#36
Even after returning home from class, there was no sign of life inside the house. In the twilight that made the house feel even lonelier, only the auxiliary light I had turned on shone dimly.
I roughly placed the carrier I received from Choi Hyun-oh in my room, then started cleaning the house, thinking Saheon hyung might have left a note. Despite thoroughly checking every nook and cranny, sweeping up even the dust in the corners, nothing was found.
It was a reality as desolate as the darkened house. The lingering excitement from the big news of Choi Hyun-oh liking Min Iseo gradually faded away.
After finishing cleaning the house while waiting for hyung, whose return time was uncertain, I tried my best not to think about him by engaging in other activities. I unpacked the neatly stacked items in the carrier one by one, did the dishes, worked on the alphabet writing assignment, and even prepared some simple side dishes.
But even after making the side dishes, I had no appetite, perhaps because Saheon hyung wasn’t there. After taking just a few bites of the food I had prepared, I went to my room to try to sleep. I repeatedly dozed off and woke up, ears perked for any sound from the entrance, but nothing changed.
Saheon hyung didn’t return even by the time I left for school the next day. The still visible red marks on my body when I undressed to prepare for school brought back the disappointment that had fermented over time.
Standing in front of the mirror, I pressed my fingertip firmly against the red mark near my collarbone. Although the reddened area didn’t hurt, I felt a dull ache inside my chest.
I stared blankly at my face in the mirror, which seemed to give off a haggard impression. While my mind tried to be understanding, pretending to be the most generous person in the world, my mouth had already spoken out.
Even without Saheon hyung, a similar day arrived as always. I attended lectures that sounded like alien language or French, ate at the school cafeteria with Choi Hyun-oh, attended more lectures, and after all classes were over, headed to an internet cafe in the neighborhood where Choi Hyun-oh lived. It was to make the course adjustments we had been eagerly waiting for.
Although we didn’t get to meet Yoo Do-jin, the friend Choi Hyun-oh had been cursing so much, we managed to successfully change our elective course by matching the time he agreed to transfer. When Choi Hyun-oh saw the notification confirming the course change, he almost threw down the mouse he was holding and clenched his fist triumphantly.
“Yes! No more fucking Schrödinger, phew.”
Choi Hyun-oh grumbled in a dying voice while stretching. I nodded in agreement with his words, as it had been a foregone conclusion that I would receive a first semester transcript with an F if we didn’t make the adjustment today. For someone like me who had lived as a liberal arts student all my life, physics that could be learned through a cat that was both alive and not alive was too distant a concept.
The newly changed course, “Gender Education for Korea University Students,” was a Thursday lecture. Although it wasn’t intentional, when Friday became a day off, I felt elated as if I had received a vacation.
After catching our breath, Choi Hyun-oh and I spent the remaining paid time playing games. We formed a team and shot around, eventually paying extra as we passed the one-hour mark.
After roughly satisfying our hunger with cup noodles from the internet cafe and continuing to play games until we felt dizzy, Choi Hyun-oh and I parted ways well past 9 PM.
The distance from Choi Hyun-oh’s neighborhood to hyung’s house wasn’t far to begin with. After getting off the bus one stop later, I saw a familiar landscape.
I walked up the low hill with my hands deep in my pockets. Perhaps because the existence of Saheon hyung, which I had forgotten due to course registration and gaming, came to mind again, I felt uneasy. Frowning slightly as the spiciness of the ramen seemed to hurt my stomach, I slowly walked up, counting the apartments visible below the complex with my finger.
First floor, second floor, third floor…. After pointing to each floor up to the eighth, I lowered my hand weakly upon confirming that the window was still dark. A white breath escaped between my parted lips.
Had Saheon hyung still not returned? If he hadn’t come back until now after leaving yesterday morning, would he return tonight or tomorrow? The red marks I saw on my body while preparing to leave in the morning seemed to press down like a branding iron.
A long sigh turned white as it met the cold air. After exhaling another puff of white breath with a “hoo,” I looked at hyung’s apartment window, which touched the star-studded sky.
“Cheongmyeong.”
A familiar voice, filled with bewilderment but joy, wrapped around my ears like an auditory hallucination. The still biting wind swept through my hair. Just as I thought I might have misheard, I heard my name being called again.
“Lee Cheongmyeong!”
I turned around quickly with wide eyes. The faint sound of a rolling carrier mixed with the strong wind could be heard. It was Saheon hyung.
His hair, neatly parted with wax, was slightly disheveled by the wind. As he approached with his angular hat placed on the carrier handle, he quickened his pace when our eyes met. The wind made his long coat flutter as he hadn’t properly fastened it.
Upon seeing Saheon hyung’s face, the disappointment that had filled my heart instantly evaporated. Only a uniform sensation of joy dominated my body. I unknowingly raised the corners of my mouth, then quickly tried to compose myself.
“Are you just coming in now?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah.”
My voice, cracked from the winter wind, came out pathetically. Saheon hyung asked with a worried look, wearing a splendid smile like an airline model.
“It’s cold, let’s go in quickly. Why were you standing out here?”
Hyung’s large hand grasped mine, which had been wandering in the air. The naturally fluid action startled only me. The warm body temperature overlapped my hand, then gently interlocked our fingers. My heart, which had been beating rapidly since hearing hyung’s voice, accelerated even more. Hyung muttered worriedly.
“You’re cold. Let’s go in quickly.”
“Huh? Yeah, yeah…”
I mumbled, sounding like someone who could only say “huh,” as I was pulled along by Saheon hyung. Our naturally joined hands remained connected as we entered the entrance and until we got into the elevator. I stared blankly at the side of Saheon hyung’s face.
Perhaps noticing my gaze fixed on his sharp features that gave a cool impression when not smiling, Saheon hyung suddenly turned and looked at me with a smile, his eyes crinkling.
“What are you looking at?”
“You’re handso- I mean, I’m glad to see you…”
I hastily swallowed the true feelings that almost slipped out without realizing. Fortunately, hyung didn’t seem to hear my mumbling and smiled lightly.
“Me too.”
The low resonance tickled my ear. Feeling oddly embarrassed, I slightly avoided Saheon hyung’s inexplicably subtle gaze. After a moment of silence, Saheon hyung spoke.
“Did you check the text I sent?”
“…Text?”
With a ding, the elevator arrived at its destination. Hyung kicked the standing carrier lightly with his foot and pressed the open button. It seemed like a gesture for me to exit first. Following hyung’s intention, I stepped into the hallway first and asked.
“My phone is broken, you know…”
“I know. I sent a text, but then remembered your phone was broken after I got to work, so I sent a message. Haven’t you installed the messenger on your laptop?”
“Huh? Oh…”
I mumbled again, sounding like someone who could only say “huh.” Until now, I hadn’t felt the need to install the messenger on my laptop, but hearing Saheon hyung’s words, I wondered why I hadn’t thought to try that method.
“I see? That’s fortunate, I guess…”
Saheon hyung chuckled lowly at the answer he could infer from my reaction and entered the passcode. The view of the apartment that appeared through the opening door after the four-digit password was entered was, surprisingly, warm-looking.
I followed Saheon hyung inside. When I was alone, I thought it was too empty, but with just one more person, it seemed to be filled again.
Hyung displayed his bad habit right on the sofa. As I watched nervously as he took off his coat and jacket and tossed them onto one side of the sofa, I noticed my mouth had been open at some point and quickly closed it.
“Have you had dinner?”
“Uh… I mean, yes.”
After making the “uh” sound once again, I intentionally changed my words. Hyung smiled broadly, raising the corners of his mouth, then lifted his collar and loosened his necktie, which was close to a light purple color.
“Good. What did you eat?”
Saheon hyung roughly folded the completely loosened necktie and placed it on the sofa. I nodded blankly and then, recalling what I had just heard, mumbled a response.
“Just ramen…”
As I gave an answer that seemed somewhat out of sorts, I suddenly realized a lack of discomfort that felt uncomfortable.
The conversation between Saheon hyung and me was no different from usual. The attitude and atmosphere between us were the same as well.
Suddenly, the anxiety I had forgotten came rushing back. Was it just an insignificant night for hyung? The night I thought could break the unbreakable wall of being the neighbor’s younger brother felt like an illusion. Or was it really just a vivid dream that felt real?
I tightly gripped the wide strap of the bag I was carrying, then slightly bent my waist to hide my gradually stiffening face as I put down the black bag next to the sofa. When I swallowed dryly, my Adam’s apple moved up and down prominently.
“…Should I tidy that up? No, I’ll tidy it up.”
“No, I’ll do it.”
“Okay. Got it. …What did you eat, hyung?”
“Well. I had a sandwich. And bibimbap too.”
As I slightly turned my gaze, I could see Saheon hyung’s shirt with the top button undone. I picked up the bag I had put down, trying to appear nonchalant as I continued speaking.
“I see… You must be tired, go rest.”
“Alright.”
Hyung responded with a voice tinged with laughter and roughly gathered the clothes he had thrown about. After lightly biting my lower lip, I headed towards my room. I could feel hyung’s gaze on my back.
Soon, I heard movement as if hyung was heading to the bathroom, followed by the sound of the shower. Sitting on the bed, I listened to the faint sound of water pouring down with a “shaa” noise.
For a long time, I sat still without thinking anything. Rather, my mind was so full of too many thoughts that none of them could continue. Only after exhaling slow, regular breaths in time with the gentle, continuous sound of water could I begin to think of other things.
After the initial joy of seeing Saheon hyung again had passed, all that remained was bewilderment. What I had thought was an enormously significant event in my life seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary for hyung.
The disappointment that had been fermenting began to raise its head subtly. I tightly gripped the sheets in my hand as I meaninglessly stared down at my knees. I could smell the scent of the sheets, which still retained their new smell.
After ruminating on that night with hyung for so long, I could now recall it like a scene from a movie. But in this quiet moment, alone with just the two of us, I couldn’t be certain.
I pulled the neckline of the sweatshirt I was wearing with both hands to look inside. Although it was dark, perhaps due to the fluorescent lighting, I could still see the numerous red and purple marks.
After staring at the marks left by hyung for a long time, I released the grip on my collar. Having gone through the bewildering situation and now confirming that it wasn’t a dream, I could be certain of what kind of relationship Saheon hyung wanted to have with me.
Just as it had always been, a close hyung-dongsaeng relationship. As if nothing had happened, like before…
Something hot choked my throat. Even trying to swallow didn’t make it go away easily. I bit my inner lip and pressed it firmly. Even recalling self-deprecating jokes like “It really happened, so what’s the big deal?” didn’t make the hot feeling disappear.
Thinking I should drink some cold water, I left the room. Hyung was still showering, as the sound of water could still be heard from the bathroom. After filling a glass with water from the water purifier and gulping it down, I filled it again and brought it to my lips.
With the rim of the cup against my still-moist lips, I closed my eyes with a sigh that sounded like a groan. The surge of emotion that I thought would subside with the cold water rose up again.
The hot feeling seemed to have spread to my eyes. As heat rushed to the area around my eyes, I tightened the corners of my tightly closed eyes, feeling like physiological tears might flow.
At that moment, I heard the sound of a door opening. I gently opened my eyes. The sound of water had already stopped. It seemed hyung had finished showering.
Dressed in comfortable home clothes, hyung approached slowly and, upon discovering me standing in the kitchen, changed direction. I tried to wipe away the moisture gathered at my eyes with my sleeve as naturally as possible. Because of this, I missed the timing to turn around, and hyung came up behind me.
“Can I have some too?”
Hyung was right behind me, almost as if embracing me from behind. I could feel the hot heat emanating from the body of someone who had just showered.
That heat spread even through the very slight gap between my clothes and hyung’s clothes. Holding the cup with both hands, I turned my head back. Perhaps because we were so close, I could see hyung’s jawline, about a hand span higher than mine.
A hand warmed by hot water gently wrapped around one side of my waist. Startled, I looked up slightly at Saheon hyung. Was it because we were so close? The scent of shampoo tickled my nose.
The hand wrapped around one side of my waist slid towards my stomach. As the other hand overlapped it, the pressure of being embraced sent a shiver down my spine. My body trembled slightly. Saheon hyung, who had naturally hugged me from behind, lowered his head slightly and kissed me simultaneously.
