#Side Story 25
“No, that’s not it. I couldn’t maintain the proper posture during landing. During our training, they warned us to be careful because quite a few people have injured their backs and had to quit.”
I smiled brightly, trying to lighten the mood. But Saheon hyung’s face was still full of guilt. Rubbing his face with a gloomy expression, a weak response escaped from between his lips.
“…I landed without wipers.”
“…Huh?”
For a moment, only the sound of the car’s engine filled the silence. I had to stare at hyung with a dumbfounded expression at the surprising news I had just heard.
“We did go around once. The wipers suddenly stopped right before landing, and I thought we might have to return, but we only had enough fuel for two landings. During the second attempt, the rain had eased a bit and visibility improved somewhat… For the third attempt, the situation might have gotten worse than now, so I just landed by feel.”
I stared at hyung, at a loss for words. Given the dark night, rain, and strong winds, I wasn’t sure whether to be amazed at hyung’s skill in landing safely despite the hard landing, or at his courage in completing what could have led to a major accident.
“That’s… impressive.”
“I should have tried a third attempt…”
“No, you made the best decision at that moment. It’s not your fault.”
I kept telling hyung calmly that it wasn’t his fault, but it didn’t seem to be getting through. I had never seen Saheon hyung blame himself this much before. I quietly reached for hyung’s hand in the dark. The warmth of our touching hands was comforting. Saheon hyung let out a heavy sigh and once again mechanically mumbled an apology.
In the end, all that remained between us on the way to the emergency room was our clasped hands and a gloomy silence. As we entered the hospital, our uniforms drew attention. Saheon hyung, ignoring the stares, searched for the reception desk. He was filled with nothing but anxiety.
The diagnosis was pain caused by a sudden impact to the lower back. In simple terms, I had strained my back. I received an injection to relax the muscles and soothe my shocked back, and was told that regular physical therapy would help me recover, but hyung’s expression remained dark.
At the hospital, upon hearing my occupation, they issued a diagnosis recommending a month of sick leave until full recovery. By the time we got the medical certificate for leave, it was already approaching midnight. Since it had been late when we arrived at the hospital, we would probably get home around dawn. Saheon hyung, with his dark expression, hailed a taxi waiting in front of the hospital.
The taxi ride was filled with silence. I tried to lighten the mood, but I was so tired that I dozed off for a moment. When I opened my eyes again, Saheon hyung was silently offering his shoulder.
In the static and quiet dawn, we quietly pulled out our carriers. I glanced at hyung on the way home, but his expression remained dark.
Our home, which we were returning to after several days, felt cozy. Yawning from the fatigue based on relief, I placed the medical certificate on the dining table where it would be clearly visible so I wouldn’t forget to call the company in the morning.
Saheon hyung was hesitating after roughly setting his carrier in a corner of the living room. I approached hyung for no particular reason and fiddled with his hand.
“Hyung, I’m really okay. Taking a month off on sick leave will be like a vacation. Don’t you think?”
However, Saheon hyung suddenly pulled me into an embrace. With his forehead buried in the crook of my neck, he breathed heavily for a while, and surprisingly, his voice was choked with emotion.
“…Should I quit?”
It was a simple combination of words, but it felt like my heart dropped. My intuition told me what he meant by quitting. I asked again in a trembling voice for confirmation.
“Wh-what?”
“…This job.”
It was such an extreme statement. I was startled and quickly tried to dissuade hyung.
“What are you saying? Why should you quit!”
“I’ve never felt this way before…”
Saheon hyung mumbled, still with his face buried in my shoulder. I quietly reached out and hugged hyung’s waist in return.
“…Today, I became afraid that you could get hurt because of me. No, you did get hurt. What if we go on a flight together and there’s an accident? Because of my actions, my momentary decisions…”
“Why are you thinking like that? I got hurt during landing because I couldn’t maintain the proper posture, and as for the wipers… You made the best decision at that moment.”
I desperately tried to dissuade hyung. Saheon hyung let out a long, heavy sigh as if conflicted. Knowing how hard hyung had worked to become a pilot for so long, I clung to him frantically.
“Hyung, please don’t be like this…”
I patted hyung’s lower back. Although it was too extreme, I could understand hyung’s self-blaming heart.
I quietly comforted hyung. It was heartbreaking to see hyung show weakness for the first time in the darkness. I lightly kissed hyung’s hair as he hung his head. Hyung squirmed and burrowed deeper into my embrace.
“…When I got the purser’s call, everything went dark. Hearing that you were hurt because of my decision. I wonder if it would have been okay if I had tried a third time, but then I get scared thinking about what might have happened to you if the visibility was still poor and we had to make an emergency landing. Thinking that what I said in London could have been my last words… I would have really regretted it.”
His mumbling voice broke within my embrace. Saheon hyung, like a vulnerable animal exposing its wounds, was pitiful.
“You asked why I acted that way in London, right?”
I remembered Saheon hyung brushing off the question, saying we’d talk about it after returning to Korea from London. The sudden talk of marriage that had been absent until now, the jealousy towards an invisible rival, the sudden possessiveness. Hyung had been hiding some inner feelings to the extent that I had to ask what was going on.
“I was worried if I could win in the competition. I want to look the coolest in your eyes, but I was also afraid if I still looked that way to you. And when I kept hearing that I was holding you back in your prime, I felt insecure.”
“Why, why are you thinking like that?”
Saheon hyung’s inner thoughts came as a surprise to me. I felt restless at the feelings he poured out as if throwing a tantrum.
To me, Saheon hyung was still cool. He was someone I wanted to be like, someone I liked. Someone I loved. I liked him enough to declare that there could be no other love in my life. I loved him.
“I’m not a kid, but when I sobered up and realized I couldn’t control myself while drunk, I wanted to die right there. I’m sorry, and I’m ashamed that I showed such petty jealousy.”
The feelings that hyung, who had always been someone I could rely on, revealed were as fragile as if they might break at any moment. But perhaps because of that,
It felt like we were looking into each other’s eyes as equals, rather than me looking up to him.
As lovers, as partners, as spouses.
“I only have you, hyung. It’s been that way until now, and it will continue to be that way.”
I comforted hyung as he revealed his insecurities. I imitated hyung’s charismatic tone exactly so that my firm feelings could be conveyed. Perhaps sensing this, Saheon hyung chuckled softly. Hyung’s arms pulled me closer.
Hyung seemed to have cheered up a little. I lightly kissed Saheon hyung’s ear and continued to comfort him in a bright voice.
“Let’s sleep for now since we’re tired. I heard that flight attendants often get herniated discs or strain their backs while working. Since it’s a common injury, don’t blame yourself too much.”
“…Okay, thanks. You must be tired. Let’s sleep now.”
“Yeah. Change your clothes. As for washing your hair…”
“You said it falls out, so tomorrow?”
“Falls out… Yeah.”
Saheon hyung chuckled. Finally raising his head to meet my eyes, hyung showed a gentle smile similar to his usual one.
I kissed hyung’s lips with a soft “chu.” His curved lips playfully responded, and we kissed a few more times. Then, without either of us initiating it, we burst into soft laughter.
***
The next morning, perhaps due to a good night’s sleep and the injection I received yesterday, my back was well enough to walk upright. It was a huge improvement compared to yesterday when I could barely walk properly until we reached the hospital.
Taking advantage of feeling better, I had to move quickly to arrange my leave of absence. To submit the leave request to the company, I put on a suit I hadn’t worn since my initial training. Unlike before when I felt like I was wearing hyung’s stolen clothes, now I looked like a proper working adult. It must be the power of social life.
While I was contemplating whether to style my bangs or not, holding hair wax in my hand, Saheon hyung, who had woken up due to the rustling sounds of my preparations, slowly got up.
“You’re awake? Sorry. Did I wake you with the noise?”
“…It’s not that… Good morning.”
Saheon hyung’s face was full of fatigue from tossing and turning all night. The dark circles under his eyes were prominent. It was obvious at a glance that he hadn’t slept well. I explained the reason for my preparations to the dazed Saheon hyung.
“I’m going to submit my leave request. I’ll get physical therapy while I’m out too.”
“Let’s… go together.”
Finishing his sentence with a huge yawn that split his mouth, Saheon hyung rubbed his eyes, clearly tired. I knew why hyung had trouble sleeping. Having seen Saheon hyung unable to easily escape his guilt as he held me last night, I pretended not to notice.
“No, it’s okay. I can just take the bus there and back. If I get physical therapy, you’ll have to wait for me.”
“Let’s go together. I’ll drive you. I have to write an incident report anyway because of that lousy landing yesterday. I can write it while waiting.”
It was the first time I had heard Saheon hyung evaluate his flying skills like that. While I was at a loss for words at hyung’s self-deprecating comment, he insisted on taking me.
“I’m worried, that’s why.”
Seeing it as hyung’s way of expressing his apology, I had no choice but to nod. As soon as I gave my permission, Saheon hyung suddenly groaned and bent over.
“My crotch itches.”
At hyung’s sudden statement, I briefly looked down. The image of the dick I had wanted to shave clean floated in my mind.
