#98
Ha-min had considered not going to school. Aside from feeling unwell, he was worried about running into hyung. Although he had run away yesterday, there was no reason to keep running. Reminding himself of this, he composed himself. Despite coming to school with difficulty while trying to calm his confused mind, his heart was pounding like a scared person’s.
“Oppa, we’re going to the library to work on assignments after class. Want to join us?”
Ha-min’s dazed consciousness, unaware that the class had ended, was suddenly awakened by Eun-soo’s voice. He turned to look at Eun-soo with a startled face. Eun-soo raised her eyebrows at his unusual reaction.
“What’s wrong with you today? You don’t look well, and you seemed to have trouble focusing in class.”
When the perceptive Eun-soo asked curiously, Ha-min forced a smile.
“I’m not feeling well… I’ll just go home today.”
“At least eat with us before you go. You look like you might collapse on your way home.”
“I’m fine…”
“Is something wrong?”
Eun-soo asked casually. Seeing Ha-min’s haggard face, it seemed like something was indeed wrong, but she brought it up without prying too much, thinking he might want to keep it to himself.
To Eun-soo, Ha-min was the kindest and most innocent person she had ever met, but he had a firm invisible line. Especially regarding his inner thoughts. He had never shown his true feelings to the point of seeming stubborn. That’s why she had never openly asked about personal matters. Everyone has things they don’t want to talk about and things they want to hide. Eun-soo tended to respect that.
Ha-min pressed his lips together, unable to easily answer Eun-soo’s worried words. Eun-soo, having already sensed it was a difficult topic to discuss, didn’t ask further and continued speaking.
“Never mind if there’s nothing. But if you ever want to talk about something to lift your mood, give me a call. I’m good at listening.”
Eun-soo patted Ha-min’s shoulder as she packed her bag and stood up. It was a gesture of concern without showing off. Ha-min stared at the place where Eun-soo had been sitting with clear eyes. For some reason, he felt uncomfortable, as if he had put up a wall.
That’s when it happened. A familiar figure caught his eye through the classroom window. He was easy to spot due to his height, standing a head taller than others. Ha-min hurriedly stood up with a suddenly stiffened face. The chair fell backward with a loud clatter, clearly showing his panic. Eun-soo, who had stood up first, turned around with surprised eyes at the loud noise.
“Oppa?”
At her gaze and call that seemed to ask what was wrong, Ha-min hurriedly opened his mouth.
“I… I’ll go first.”
“What?”
“If you happen to see hyung, tell him I left first, no, that I’m leaving… No, just don’t say anything.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
Eun-soo furrowed her brow and asked back at Ha-min’s incomprehensible words, but Ha-min rushed out the back door as if fleeing, his face as if he’d seen a ghost. Eun-soo, seeing Ha-min in such a hurry for the first time, looked at the door he had left through with a somewhat bewildered face.
Since he was always slow and only smiled foolishly, seeing such a pale face was not only surprising but also worrying. Something must really be wrong… As Eun-soo clicked her tongue and was about to move, strangely enough, she felt a chilly atmosphere and as she turned around, a long shadow fell in front of her.
“…?”
When Eun-soo looked up with surprised eyes, she saw Tae-rim’s cold appearance, making her wonder if it was the same person. Startled by his sudden appearance, Eun-soo awkwardly nodded her head.
“Ah, hello.”
The Lee Tae-rim sunbae she knew was generally difficult to get close to but was generous. He would readily pay for drinks or meals, greet juniors well, and always had a smiling face.
The perceptive Eun-soo didn’t think the smiles he wore were fake. They came from composure, not pretense. With his superior physique and looks compared to others, the enviable background and the title of a “gold spoon” – it came from the composure of someone who didn’t need to impress others or be mindful of others’ gazes.
“Where’s Ha-min?”
Eun-soo was somewhat taken aback by his chilly face devoid of any smile, making her wonder if he was a different person. After thinking that he could make such a face too, she suddenly remembered Ha-min’s request not to say anything to hyung. She had wondered what he meant at first, but now…
“Well…”
“Did he not come to class?”
“No, he did, but…”
In the unusual atmosphere, Eun-soo trailed off with a troubled face. She wanted to honor Ha-min’s request not to say anything, but she couldn’t think of how to make something up.
“Did he run away?”
Seeing Eun-soo’s difficulty in answering, he asked matter-of-factly, having guessed the situation.
“Pardon?”
“I’m asking if he ran away because he knew I was coming.”
Eun-soo was at a loss for words again. Ha-min’s retreating figure as he left the classroom had indeed looked like someone running away.
Ha, a chilly laugh fell on Eun-soo’s head as she remained silent. Feeling her hair stand on end from the coldness, Eun-soo glanced at Tae-rim cautiously.
“Always plotting to run away…”
His muttered words, like a sigh, were full of fatigue. Eun-soo couldn’t understand the situation, but she could infer that Ha-min was avoiding Tae-rim. And for some reason, the expressionless Lee Tae-rim sunbae’s appearance seemed clearly anxious. Maybe that’s why Eun-soo unconsciously opened her mouth, which had been closed.
“He didn’t look well.”
Even though Ha-min oppa said not to say anything…
Eun-soo scratched her temple.
“…”
Tae-rim stared at Eun-soo intently instead of answering.
“Ha-min oppa, I mean.”
“…”
“He looked sick…”
“…”
“Well, that’s how it seemed.”
Eun-soo shrugged and hung her bag on her shoulder. She had been vaguely curious before. Why two people with seemingly no connection stuck together, and why Tae-rim particularly took care of Ha-min, even contacting her. In fact, it was hard to explain with just being close friends, but that was their business, so she hadn’t paid much attention. But today, she couldn’t help but notice. Seeing his eyes brimming with some kind of anxious emotion made her feel uneasy too.
Having finished what she needed to say, Eun-soo nodded a greeting to Tae-rim, preparing to leave. As she was turning her body while glancing at him, a large hand urgently grabbed her arm.
“…How sick…”
At the sudden words and urgent touch, Eun-soo looked at him curiously, and there was a crack in his expressionless face. In those brief words that he couldn’t finish, emotions pouring out like waves could be felt. But as if trying to compose the rushing emotions, he rubbed his face and unconsciously released Eun-soo’s wrist that he had grabbed. A heavy sigh was heard.
“Never mind, sorry.”
“…”
“You can go.”
He responded neatly, but his appearance was clearly worried, and Eun-soo just touched her lips with an unreadable expression. It was a strange feeling, thinking that there was a day when Lee Tae-rim sunbae looked somewhat pitiful.
**
Feeling like his fever was higher than in the morning, Ha-min bought some fever reducers at a nearby pharmacy and swallowed them with difficulty without water. He felt exhausted without having done anything. His body felt limp, like someone who had fallen into water. Like when he had taken psychiatric medication.
He didn’t know how he had managed to endure until the afternoon classes. It was miserable. These situations… these emotions, seemed to be overwhelming him to the point of overload.
After the afternoon classes ended, he looked around worriedly, wondering if hyung had come looking for him again. Then suddenly, he sighed, finding it absurd that he was habitually running away. Throughout his journey to the gosiwon with his heavy body, he thought about where things had gone wrong. Was it sleeping casually with hyung? Clinging to hyung’s casual kindness? Or was it him liking hyung… No, no.
The problem is that he’s in this state. The problem is that he desperately tried to die. And the problem is that he hid everything and pretended to be fine. The problem was that he was never honest with his friends or hyung. That he had no courage, no confidence, nothing…
Ha-min scratched the scar on his wrist with his nails. The problem was that he tried to start everything anew while carrying this. While nothing was actually okay… In fact, while not wanting anyone to see, while hoping no one would know… Ha-min continuously scratched the newly formed scar with eyes hazy from the medication. Even as the skin peeled off and blood droplets formed, Ha-min didn’t stop, his face unable to feel the pain. He kept recalling hyung’s face when he discovered this scar. That face, surprised and hardening, tormented his mind like a trauma.
“You fool…”
So he shouldn’t have entered that house in the first place. He shouldn’t have let hyung discover his feelings. He shouldn’t have clung to him, begging to sleep with him.
…He shouldn’t have liked him.
“…Hyung?”
He shouldn’t have done any of that…
“Ha-min hyung…!”
His consciousness, which had been drowsy as if asleep, suddenly awoke. Ha-min opened his surprised eyes and turned around at someone’s urgent call. He almost lost his footing as someone turned him around from behind just before entering the gosiwon.
“Are you okay? No, I called you several times but you didn’t hear…”
The one who had called out to him was none other than Hee-gyeom. Seeing Ha-min’s somewhat dazed appearance, Hee-gyeom worriedly examined his complexion.
“What were you thinking about to be walking so absentmindedly?”
“Ah… I had a lot on my mind… Are you on your way home?”
“No. I came to see you.”
“Me?”
“Yes. You weren’t responding at all, so I came to find you in person.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
