#89
He let out a faint, self-deprecating laugh. Just as Ha-min was about to protest, asking what he meant, Tae-rim added as if talking to himself:
“Ah, I really am a bastard, aren’t I?”
He let out another deflated sigh.
“Ha-min, don’t apologize to hyung anymore.”
“…”
“If you say that one more time, I’ll bash my head in and die.”
Ha-min’s face turned pale at Tae-rim’s outrageous harsh words. Seeing Ha-min’s face turn ashen, Tae-rim brazenly added:
“I’m joking.”
It didn’t sound like a joke at all. Ha-min froze, pale as if his mind had stopped working. Because of this, it took him a while to realize that Tae-rim’s car was heading in the opposite direction from the gosiwon.
**
The place he took Ha-min to was neither the gosiwon nor the house he shared with Tae-in. It was a luxury villa with a full view of the Han River through floor-to-ceiling windows. The unfamiliar place had only necessary furniture, with no trace of anyone living there. Perhaps because of this, it felt cold. What was certain was that it was much larger and more luxurious than the house he shared with Tae-in.
Ha-min looked around the house with dumb eyes. The ceiling was so high it was amazing. Sitting on the sofa that seemed like no one had ever sat on it before, he felt small and hunched over with his hands clasped together.
“I haven’t gone shopping yet, so there’s only water to drink. Is that okay?”
He asked loudly while rummaging through the refrigerator.
“It’s, fine…!”
His voice cracked, probably from nervousness.
He came out to the living room, drinking water straight from the bottle.
“Want to have lunch with hyung and then go shopping?”
Tae-rim smiled gently as he put down a glass of water in front of Ha-min.
Ha-min still looked bewildered. Where was this place, why had he brought him here, and why was he so calm despite the embarrassing scene yesterday? He didn’t understand anything.
“Where is this…?”
Ha-min changed the subject instead of answering. Tae-rim put down the half-empty water bottle and surveyed the scenic view.
“How do you like it here?”
He also asked a question instead of answering. What did he mean by how? Ha-min tilted his head and this time answered obediently.
“It’s nice… and big…”
Ha-min hesitantly shared his honest impression. It was his first time seeing such large floor-to-ceiling windows. It was bigger and grander than the hotel Tae-rim had been staying at, and the outside view was overwhelming.
“I was originally going to give this place to Tae-in when I went back to America.”
He spoke peacefully while running his hand over the dust-free furniture. Ha-min looked at him with a somewhat dazed expression.
“Ah…”
He blinked and let out a small sigh.
“I’m just going to live here myself.”
“…Oh.”
“Is that all you have to say?”
Not knowing how to react, Ha-min just nodded slightly, but Tae-rim stared at him and asked again.
“Huh…?”
“We’re both equally clueless, aren’t we?”
He chuckled softly and slowly approached. He knelt on one leg in front of Ha-min, who was perched on the edge of the sofa, and gently took both of his hands. When Ha-min flinched at the sudden action, Tae-rim gripped his hands more firmly as if telling him not to be nervous. Ha-min’s brown eyes trembled slightly, instinctively sensing something unusual.
“I’ve decided not to go to America.”
“…What do you mean…”
“You told me not to go.”
Tae-rim was matter-of-fact in the face of Ha-min’s pale, almost blue complexion.
“When, when did I say that?”
His face, pale with indignation, trembled. Bewildered by Tae-rim’s sudden outrageous decision, Ha-min tried to get up, not knowing what to do, but Tae-rim didn’t let go of his hands. Because of this, Ha-min was in an awkward position, neither fully standing nor properly sitting.
“You cried so sorrowfully, telling me not to go.”
His eyes were serious, neither mocking nor sarcastic, as if genuinely asking if that hadn’t happened. Ha-min, at a loss for words, looked down at him with a foolish expression.
“Seeing you cry yesterday…”
“…”
“Hyung’s heart… felt very bad.”
After a brief pause, he frowned as if feeling quite uncomfortable.
“That’s when I finally understood everything.”
“…”
“Why you’ve been acting the way you have all this time…”
He raised one hand and brushed back Ha-min’s slightly curly hair. He smiled kindly and persistently followed Ha-min’s confused, moving eyes.
“Have you liked hyung since you were young?”
He frowned as if feeling sorry and kept caressing Ha-min’s hands. At this question, Ha-min lowered his head as if he had been expecting it. A red heat started rising from his nape. A secretive smile bloomed on Tae-rim’s lips. Seeing Ha-min’s reaction, which was clearly affirmative to anyone watching, Tae-rim let out a deep breath and brought Ha-min’s hands to his lips.
After kissing the back of Ha-min’s hands and fingers in turn, he quietly waited for Ha-min’s answer. Ha-min was at a loss, embarrassed by Tae-rim’s posture, expression, and kisses, which seemed to express submission.
“It’s, it’s an old story.”
“You cried yesterday too.”
“Yesterday… I was just reminded of the past…”
“Were you that heartbroken? Hm?”
He asked as if coaxing, rubbing his lips against Ha-min’s hands again. His worried appearance even seemed somewhat pleased. In contrast, Ha-min shook off Tae-rim’s hands as if in a panic. Brain-frozen by Tae-rim’s statement that he had decided to live here, Ha-min spoke hurriedly.
“Hyung, I… I’ve let go of my feelings.”
“…”
“I never even thought… about wanting you not to go to America. I was just upset because I suddenly heard you were leaving… You had never said anything like that before. So…”
The fact that he had changed his plans just because of those words was more than shocking; it made Ha-min’s heart tighten. Is this what he had decided after leaving silently yesterday…? Why? Ha-min stood up abruptly in bewilderment and took a few steps back, distancing himself from Tae-rim.
“…”
Tae-rim got up from his seat without a word. He slowly raised his upper body and stood up, quietly gazing at Ha-min, who was fidgeting like a cornered small animal.
“I don’t believe you.”
“I, I really mean it…”
“Everything Ha-min has said to hyung has been a lie.”
“…”
“Even that there was someone you liked.”
“…”
“I almost believed you then. You two seemed so close.”
“…”
“He was always touching you at every opportunity.”
He frowned and rubbed his eyes as if even the thought was unpleasant. The sound of his grinding molars could even be heard, making it easy to guess how distasteful the subject was to him. Ha-min touched his neck habitually, feeling awkward.
“That…”
“Thinking about it now, it’s fucking hilarious.”
“…”
“That I went crazy because some other bastard touched you.”
He frowned, feeling his temples throb. Ha-min was struck speechless at his low words mixed with a bitter laugh.
His eyes, which were staring directly at Ha-min, were particularly dark. The face that had been smiling neatly all the way from Ha-min’s family home to here now looked especially tired. Seeing this, Ha-min could vaguely tell that Tae-rim hadn’t slept properly either. It meant he had been confused too. He hadn’t been unaffected, and he too seemed somewhat disheveled, not knowing what to do.
“I didn’t mean to make you worry on purpose, I just…”
It was hard to keep being by your side like that. The feeling of going from heaven to hell in an instant every time was miserable and pitiful, and I just wanted to stop. I wanted to change. I wanted to break free from myself, who kept running away, avoiding, and clinging to a hopeless one-sided love for years. Because I felt more pathetic than anyone, always running in circles no matter how hard I tried.
Ha-min’s expression darkened as he opened his mouth. All the past events were just that – past. There was no point in making excuses indirectly.
“Let’s stop talking about this now, hyung.”
Ha-min tried to change the subject awkwardly and picked up his bag from the sofa.
“I’ll make sure not to bother you anymore from now on.”
“…”
“Yesterday, I really didn’t mean to…”
His words trailed off, having no excuse for yesterday’s events. Ha-min bit his lip hard once and then spoke again.
“It’s really not like that. Now I really… don’t like you anymore, hyung.”
“…”
“I’ve let go of my feelings. So there’s nothing for you to worry about. Don’t say strange things like suddenly not going to America because of me, or… things like that.”
Ha-min felt like he was going crazy with nausea. His whole body was tense and bewildered to the point where the scars on his wrist were itching.
“Are you trying to disappear suddenly again?”
Tae-rim shot the words like an arrow. He unconsciously revealed his sharpness, despite trying to restrain himself. Ha-min shook his head awkwardly.
“No, I’m not.”
“I can’t believe you.”
“What… would make you believe me?”
“I don’t know.”
He sprawled on the sofa with a languid voice.
“Don’t stand there, sit down.”
“…”
“I won’t do anything.”
Perhaps feeling sorry for Ha-min standing there awkwardly, he gestured to the seat next to him, coaxing him. Ha-min hesitated but eventually sat down on the sofa in an awkward posture. He sat up straight, stiffly looking only forward. He could feel Tae-rim’s gaze watching him while sitting relaxed. Tae-rim turned his body completely, resting his arm on the back of the sofa, and persistently stared at Ha-min’s side profile.
Everywhere Tae-rim’s gaze touched felt like insects were crawling. After just staring silently, he gently touched the back of Ha-min’s head, which was a bit long, reaching his nape. Not wanting to overreact to the slight touch, Ha-min tried to suppress his instinctive flinch and just gripped his innocent knees tightly.
“Ha-min.”
A pleasant call, like usual, was heard.
“How much did you like hyung?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
