#87
“If you felt hurt, I’ll apologize.”
“Ah, no…”
“Okay.”
“Hyung, I…”
Ha-min’s voice trembled pathetically. As he hesitated and avoided Tae-rim’s touch, a sharp look appeared on Tae-rim’s kind face.
“Is this not what you want?”
Tae-rim’s voice hardened slightly at Ha-min’s hesitant retreat. He soon rubbed his chin again with a thoughtful expression.
Ha-min touched his neck with a dazed face and then fiddled with his apron. He was flustered and embarrassed, not expecting Tae-rim to come apologize directly. This wasn’t his intention in coming home. He wanted to sort out his thoughts and just escape from the complications. That was all, but he didn’t expect Tae-rim to worry, let alone come to apologize, so he was quite bewildered.
“I… didn’t think you’d care.”
He gripped his apron tightly with a troubled face.
“I didn’t think you’d worry…”
Even as he spoke, sadness washed over him. Why, just why…
When you don’t even like me.
“…Hyung.”
“Yes?”
Ha-min suddenly took a deep breath. His trembling brown eyes slowly stiffened. He carefully looked at Tae-rim while breathing as if sorting out his emotions. Tae-rim immediately responded and was waiting for Ha-min’s words. He was encouraging Ha-min with a kind gaze as if telling him to speak.
“I… like men.”
Tae-rim let out a laugh at Ha-min’s resolute statement of a fact he already knew. Ha-min’s eyes were wide open solemnly, but his hands gripping the apron were shaking. Tae-rim, who unconsciously thought about wanting to hold those hands, quietly averted his gaze and nodded.
“I know.”
At this acknowledging response, Ha-min bit his lip as if frustrated even as he spoke.
“So what I mean is…”
“Yes?”
“If you do that, I might misunderstand…”
“…”
“I know you think of me as a good dongsaeng…”
“…”
“I know you don’t like me…”
Ha-min’s breath became ragged as his words tangled again. The rough breathing burst out as emotions welled up from his solar plexus, not knowing what to do. His unsorted feelings were complexly intertwined. Tears that had once started flowing easily welled up again. He thought he had cried his heart out in front of Tae-in, but apparently not, as tears gathered easily at the corners of his eyes.
“I know you’re leaving again… I know everything, but…”
Why does this fact hurt so much?
Tears finally rolled down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away, but Tae-rim, who had hesitated, grabbed Ha-min’s arm as he tried to wipe away more tears.
“…Ha-min?”
A noticeably stiff voice clearly reached his ears.
“If I misunderstand… it’ll be troublesome for you too, so…”
“Ha-min, wait a moment.”
“Sorry… this must be awkward. I’m sorry, I keep…”
Ha-min tried to make excuses with a forced awkward smile, but Tae-rim, who had frozen like a statue, didn’t move an inch.
“So I…”
“…”
“I’m fine with everything…”
Tears fell drop by drop. Once they started, it wasn’t easy to stop them. In an instant, his nose became congested and the area around his eyes reddened. Tears burst forth like a flood, filling his eyes to the point where Tae-rim’s figure became blurry. Even though he couldn’t see clearly, he could imagine how bewildered and flustered Tae-rim must be.
But it was too difficult to take back the feelings that had already burst out. Why did you come now… Stirring up emotions that hadn’t been sorted out yet. Ha-min’s words abruptly stopped as a wave of pitiful sadness came over him. Not knowing what to say, he stood still as if his brain had shut down.
This wasn’t what he had intended to say.
He kept remembering how Tae-rim had left without a trace when they were young. The bewilderment and longing he felt then always remained, piercing his insides. The letters he couldn’t send even one of kept coming to mind, constricting his chest. He wasn’t asking for much. Just, only…
Ha-min grabbed Tae-rim’s collar while choking back sobs. A voice filled with sorrow escaped with difficulty.
“…Hyung.”
His voice, slurred from crying, came out foolishly. Ha-min shook his lips while vigorously wiping away tears with the back of his hand.
“I’m really okay with everything…”
“…”
“When you go… couldn’t you at least…”
“…”
“Couldn’t you at least… let me know your address?”
His pitiful question was laced with sorrowful crying.
**
Ha-min suddenly opened his eyes wide. Wondering if it was a dream, he blinked hard again.
No, it couldn’t be a dream. How could it be a dream when he hadn’t even fallen asleep? I’m crazy, I’ve gone mad. Ha-min groaned while clutching his head.
The memory from earlier was so vivid that he couldn’t fall asleep at all. No matter how much he blamed himself, wondering why he had acted that way, he couldn’t turn back time. The image of himself clinging to his hyung and wailing like a child seemed not just pathetic, but ugly.
Ha-min let out a single sigh and dropped his arms. He could only sigh. What on earth would his hyung think? Strangely, he didn’t say much as he watched Ha-min sobbing and wiping away tears. He seemed a bit flustered, but he didn’t ask anything and calmly patted Ha-min’s back. Perhaps finding Ha-min’s attempts to hold back his crying even more pitiful, he carefully embraced him.
But Ha-min, who had neither the courage nor the desire to face him, quietly stifled his crying. He decided not to give him any more of his heart. Although he couldn’t hold back and let his emotions flow, he wasn’t trying to stop him from leaving, nor was he acting spoiled and asking him to understand his feelings.
“Ha…”
Ha-min buried his face in the bedding and let out a deep sigh. He lamented once more while squeezing his eyes shut.
“…”
Ha-min, who had pulled the blanket up to his neck, closed his eyes tightly and once again rewound to that moment earlier. What kind of face did his hyung make?
He couldn’t tell what Tae-rim was thinking from his eyes, which had lost their kind smile. He must find it bewildering and amusing. He might laugh at himself, looking back on what he had done until now. Since he’s someone who can’t even think of dating a man, he might find it disgusting. Would that be sad…?
Ha-min calmly opened his eyes again. He quietly lifted his eyelids and stared into the dark room.
But maybe it’s for the best. Maybe it’s good that he’s avoiding him like that. Because now both his hyung and he can just let it go. He no longer had any lingering feelings. Now that he had finally let out the feelings he had kept hidden for so long, he truly had no attachments left.
Ha-min’s face looked a bit relieved. Setting aside the embarrassment and awkwardness, all that remained was the feeling of relief after having confessed everything. To the point where the time he spent hesitating, worried about burdening or being hated, seemed pathetic. On the other hand, he also regretted not being honest from the start, thinking things wouldn’t have gotten so complicated. If he had just said properly that he liked him, just one word would have been enough. How stupid.
Now his hyung must have lost any affection he had for him too. He must find Ha-min creepy for lurking around him while hiding his sinister feelings. He won’t be hurt by his hyung’s casual heart anymore either. No more shallow kindness and insincere sweet words. He no longer had to fall for sugary words easily, nor did he have any reason to listen to words that easily criticized him. Yes, it was all for the best. Everything.
He had to stop self-harming now.
Ha-min, who finally fell asleep in the early hours of the morning, woke up to bustling sounds from the morning. Although he wasn’t a light sleeper, he couldn’t help but wake up to his mother’s excited voice echoing loudly from beyond the door.
Ha-min struggled to lift his heavy eyelids. He could hear the mixed sounds of his mother’s cheerful voice and an unfamiliar voice that shouldn’t be heard in their home, as if a welcome guest had arrived. Ha-min blinked in confusion. Who could it be so early in the morning…?
Rubbing his eyes that were swollen from crying so much, Ha-min got up and quietly started tidying up the messy bedding. Although he couldn’t make out what was being said, he could roughly guess that the other person was someone very welcome from his mother’s elevated tone.
Ha-min opened the door while rubbing his face dry. Centered around the not-so-spacious living room, Ha-min’s room was on the right, and the master bedroom was on the opposite side. And next to that was the bathroom. Perhaps because he had fallen asleep late, his eyes wouldn’t open easily, so he needed to wash his face first. And just as he was thinking he should politely greet his mother’s guest…
“Son, you’re up?”
His mother’s face, looking very pleased, came into view. And then.
“Did you sleep well?”
His hyung’s face…
“Hurry and wash up. Tae-rim has been waiting for you since earlier.”
His hyung was there. They were having a conversation with well-cut fruits on the table and a cup of tea in front of each of them. Ha-min let out an “Ah…” in surprise, his face showing shock. He stiffened, his face too surprised to even ask why his hyung was here.
“Take your time, I’ll wait.”
He was smiling with a more refreshed face than ever. Ha-min was the only one who was dazed and at a loss. He wondered if he wasn’t fully awake yet, but judging from his mother’s reaction, that clearly wasn’t the case.
“Why is hyung…”
“Why? He said he came to pick you up.”
Ha-min’s mother answered instead. Ha-min, equally puzzled by this answer, touched his cheek in confusion.
Pick me up…? What does that mean…? As he looked at his hyung with bewildered eyes, Tae-rim looked back and smiled kindly.
