#86
Ha-min fidgeted with his wrist.
One mistake had made those around him suffer. He had felt this many times watching his mother struggle beside him. After that day, his mother increasingly drank alcohol throughout the night and would often come to his bedside while he slept, quietly suppressing her sobs.
Seeing this made it even harder to reveal his wounds or talk about them. That’s why he felt ashamed towards Tae-in. Sharing someone else’s pain wasn’t easy for the listener either.
A heavy silence followed. Knowing that arguing about who was right or wrong was pointless, Tae-in changed the subject first.
-So when are you coming back?
“…”
-The others are worried too. I made up some excuses, but…
“…I plan to stay until the end of this week.”
Ha-min spoke up, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.
-Okay, rest well and come back. Let me know as soon as you’re back.
“…Yeah.”
Ha-min could vividly imagine Tae-in trying to act normal. He nodded. Even after saying goodbye, Tae-in didn’t hang up. He hesitated for a while, as if he had something more to say.
-By the way…
“Yeah?”
Ha-min waited patiently.
-I’m not asking out of curiosity because I’m not that way… and I’m not judging or anything…
Ha-min let out a small laugh at Tae-in’s lengthy disclaimer and listened quietly.
-About my hyung. When exactly… did you start liking him?
It was a genuinely curious voice. Although it was an uncomfortable topic between them, it felt awkward to hold back after having revealed everything. Ha-min hesitated for a moment before quietly opening his mouth.
“Ah…”
He hesitated briefly, not expecting Tae-in to ask this question. Moreover, he had never precisely defined it, so he paused to think.
“When we were young…”
The other party waited without asking further questions.
“When we were young, the first time I went to your house.”
Thinking about it, it was from that time. From the first time he saw him.
“Thinking about it… I think it was from then.”
Tae-in let out a sigh at Ha-min’s confession-like statement.
-You crazy bastard…
Ha-min let out a bitter laugh at Tae-in’s words, accompanied by an exasperated sigh.
-How many years have you liked him?
“…”
-What’s so good about a guy like that, really…
Tae-in lamented deeply.
He didn’t hold back his reproach, calling Ha-min a foolish guy in a pitying voice.
**
The aftermath of crying was significant. His emotions were wild, his eyes were swollen, and it was difficult to think rationally. It had been a long time since he had cried out loud or felt so unable to hold back, so he felt embarrassed after crying, and his nose kept tingling as if the brakes had been applied.
It seemed the news of him leaving again had a big impact on him. It was surprisingly strange how his heart could feel so heavy even though their relationship was already over. Just the thought that he would really be gone from Korea this time made his eyes sting repeatedly. He wouldn’t even be able to see his face in passing, and there would be no chance encounters using Tae-in as an excuse.
Ha-min, dressed comfortably, stepped out for the first time in a while and walked slowly. After sleeping for days on end, he felt too embarrassed in front of his mother. She was surely worrying silently again, so he thought he’d help out with work. Arriving at the supermarket, Ha-min surveyed the empty interior. His mother was sitting at the cashier’s chair, yawning. There wasn’t even a fly in sight.
“I’m here.”
As he entered through the open doorway, his mother, momentarily surprised, opened her eyes wide and then scolded him worriedly.
“Why did you come out?”
“Just to mind the store. Mom, you can go in now.”
Ha-min said nonchalantly, taking his mother’s apron and putting it on himself.
“It’s fine. Go home and rest.”
“But… I’ve been at home for days…”
“Didn’t you come home because you were tired? Just rest well.”
“It’s okay. I feel much better after sleeping a lot.”
His mother looked at Ha-min’s swollen eyes. Her wrinkled eyes curved with concern.
“Is school tough?”
Ha-min shook his head at the softly asked question.
“If it’s hard, take a break. I don’t mind, do what you want.”
“It’s not like that… Just go in now. I’ll close up and come home.”
Ha-min forcefully pushed his mother’s back.
“Oh, really.”
“Quickly. Go in and eat with dad. Dad made kimchi stew with lots of meat.”
“Have you eaten?”
“Yeah.”
As he nodded, the worry on his mother’s face finally eased a bit.
Only then did his mother put on a thin coat and gather her belongings.
“There are no customers anyway, so just tidy up a bit and come home early.”
“Okay. Go.”
Ha-min saw her off to the door. His mother looked reluctant, but she moved her feet, unable to resist his urging. As his mother’s figure disappeared around the corner, Ha-min finally went back inside the store.
Ha-min moved slowly, wandering here and there. As the son of a supermarket owner, he knew exactly what needed to be done. He started by organizing the piled-up boxes, then wiped the dust off the chilly display counters. He sorted out the wilted vegetables, putting them aside, and brought a mop from the storage to clean the floor. Ha-min seemed unable or unwilling to stay still even for a moment, busying himself frantically.
After finishing mopping, Ha-min sat quietly at the cashier’s chair and took out his phone, remembering the messages he hadn’t fully checked. The kids had apparently been told he was sick, as there were messages telling him to get well soon.
There were group messages piled up and even a message from Hee-gyeom asking if he was particularly sick, with a crying emoticon. Ha-min smiled faintly. He replied saying he just saw the messages. At that moment, footsteps were heard at the entrance. Just as he pressed send and looked up, a low voice was heard.
“You ignore all of hyung’s calls, but…”
Ha-min was visibly surprised by the gentle voice.
“You must have seen the missed calls.”
The man standing in front of the counter asked softly. His voice was somewhat playful yet had an edge to it, causing Ha-min to maintain a stiff expression.
“Ah… How did you come here?”
Ha-min stuttered, unable to hide his surprise at the man’s sudden appearance.
“I was worried.”
Though his voice was somewhat strained, his lips curved beautifully.
Ha-min stood up abruptly and smiled awkwardly at the kind gesture. Then he awkwardly changed the subject.
“How… did you know I was here?”
“I went to your house, but I ran into your mother in front.”
“…”
“She said you were here.”
He answered in a low voice. His deep voice was soft as usual, but his usually relaxed eyes were filled with fatigue.
“Ah…”
Having nothing more to say, Ha-min let out a single sigh.
“I went to the gosiwon too.”
Tae-rim broke the brief heavy silence first. Ha-min’s pupils trembled at this fact.
“…Why bother?”
As Ha-min muttered as if asking why he did such a bothersome thing, Tae-rim looked straight at him. Uncomfortable under the blatant gaze, Ha-min avoided eye contact as a direct statement came.
“Because you’re avoiding me.”
Ha-min, who had paused, slowly turned to look as Tae-rim smiled like a mask. His words, seemingly accusatory yet not, held a hint of resentment. Then, Ha-min’s eyes inadvertently caught sight of Tae-rim’s slightly dry skin. Ha-min bit his lip hard. He thought he wouldn’t care…
He thought he wouldn’t care about me anymore.
“Why did you tell Tae-in?”
As Ha-min couldn’t answer, Tae-rim naturally changed the subject. He asked casually while glancing over a nearby old display rack, causing a troubled look to cross Ha-min’s face.
“…”
Seeing Ha-min flustered, Tae-rim calmly reasoned.
“I’m not asking to blame you.”
“…”
“It’s just… strange.”
“…”
“You don’t usually talk about yourself.”
He leaned lightly against the display rack and spoke gently.
“As if trying to get rid of something.”
“…”
“By talking about it.”
He continued in a low voice, as if talking to himself. He gazed into space with a contemplative look, then slowly moved.
“And then cutting off contact.”
“…”
“Not coming to school…”
“…”
“How can hyung not worry? Right?”
He slowly took a step again. The sound of approaching footsteps was heard, and his shadow grew closer. Ha-min felt dejected at his carefully spoken words. Even though he was going to leave anyway. Again, melting him with sweet words, coaxing and soothing him to make him expect… even though he was going to leave. Probably like that time, without even giving an address. Suddenly, at some point, as if there had never been anyone there.
The dejected feeling soon turned into a miserable one.
He, who had come right in front of Ha-min, carefully brushed back Ha-min’s long, unkempt hair.
“Ha-min.”
It was a kind call like usual, different from when he had been emotional and confrontational recently.
The hand that had been stroking his hair naturally flowed down to grasp the nape of his neck. The touch on his neck sent chills down his spine.
“I’m sorry for pressuring you too much back then.”
His eyes, seemingly forcibly calmed, stared at Ha-min as if piercing through him. For some change of heart, he apologized and stroked Ha-min’s cheek with his thumb.
