#85
“…No. I can’t either.”
Tae-rim’s brow furrowed subtly at the subdued voice.
“He’s not coming to school either.”
At this unexpected statement, Tae-rim’s hand paused as he was about to start the car.
“Why?”
“Who knows.”
“You haven’t seen him since then?”
“No.”
Despite his supposedly close friend going missing, Tae-in’s voice was calmer than expected.
“But why?”
Tae-rim was momentarily at a loss for words at the unexpected turn of events when Tae-in’s questioning voice came through.
“From what Ha-min said, you two are over, right?”
“……”
“Then you have no reason to look for Ha-min, hyung.”
“I don’t understand why you’re acting like this either.”
“……”
“You seem pretty indifferent about your supposedly amazing friend not being in contact.”
Tae-rim retorted sarcastically. It was a sign that his mood had soured.
“He must have his reasons.”
The response was not just calm, but detached. Tae-rim, finding it unhelpful, roughly ended the call and threw his phone onto the dashboard.
It was literally radio silence. Ha-min wasn’t just avoiding him, but had cut off all contact.
Tae-rim started the car and immediately stepped on the accelerator. The screech of tires against the ground rang out eerily.
Tae-in was right. Whether Ha-min had gone into hiding or disappeared, there would be reasons, and if so, he should just accept that fact.
Tae-rim, steering with one hand, fumbled for his cigarette pack with the other and put one in his mouth. He lit it and opened the window. The weather had gotten warmer, and a sticky breeze clung to his skin.
He must have his reasons.
Tae-rim repeated these words as he exhaled smoke. Perhaps due to rush hour, traffic was heavy and the lights turned red whenever he tried to move. He rested his elbow on the window sill and quietly gazed beyond the car window. The lights shining from all directions pierced his eyes, and fatigue suddenly overwhelmed him. It was due to the nervousness he had been feeling for several days.
**
Tae-rim quietly looked at the gosiwon building after dropping his cigarette butt on the ground.
“……”
When he came to his senses, the car had entered an alley of one-room apartments, and upon arrival, this was where he ended up. It was a chillingly old and rundown building. It was a place he wouldn’t set foot in if it weren’t for Ha-min.
Tae-rim entered the gosiwon and naturally headed towards Ha-min’s room. He strode up the stairs and down the narrow corridor. Ha-min’s room was at the end of the second floor, and Tae-rim hesitated briefly when he reached the door. He had expected Ha-min not to be there even as he entered. Checking the window from outside the building, it was dark without a single light on. Tae-rim lingered outside the door for a moment before knocking. But as expected, there was no response.
“Ha-min.”
He knocked a couple more times out of courtesy.
“Song Ha-min.”
Of course, there was no answer.
After confirming the owner’s absence, Tae-rim naturally entered the door lock password. The password was cutely Ha-min’s birthday. 0505. It was a simple number that could be easily guessed by peeking from the side.
As soon as he opened the door, a stale air circulated. There was a dry chill that hadn’t been touched by human presence for days. He wondered why he had come into a room without its owner, questioning himself.
Tae-rim entered the suffocatingly small room and sat directly on the bed. Looking around slowly, it was clean with few belongings. As he was aimlessly scanning the room, he suddenly bent down and buried his face in the bedding that carried Ha-min’s scent.
As he breathed in deeply, Ha-min’s distinct smell permeated his nostrils. After inhaling the scent so deeply that his chest swelled, Tae-rim exhaled a heated breath. After taking a couple more deep breaths, the irritation that had been grating on his nerves mysteriously subsided. Then he quietly gazed at the area between his legs. His aroused center was now protruding above his pants. Ha, a laugh escaped involuntarily.
Well, it made sense to have built up after several days of unwanted abstinence.
Tae-rim, with a languid expression, lay down completely. He rested his head askew on the neatly placed pillow. No matter where Song Ha-min washed, he always returned to his inherent scent. When Tae-rim buried his nose deeply in Ha-min’s nape and inhaled, there was a strong milk scent. The smell of skin mixed with an unripe freshness was both pure white and lewd.
“…Shit.”
Tae-rim cursed as he unzipped his pants. The sound of the zipper echoed in the quiet room. He grabbed the bedding and pressed it to his nose. He gripped his protruding center and let out heated breaths. The scent entering his nose stimulated his entire body, causing his lower half to swell immensely. It was the first time since middle school that he had used his hand on himself. Since then, he hadn’t needed to take care of things alone. There had always been someone available.
“Ha….”
With a contorted face, he moved his hand up and down his shaft. He buried his face in the bedding and gritted his teeth. If Song Ha-min were in front of him right now, he would have forced himself on him even if Ha-min said no. He might have forcibly spread those pale, plump buttocks and raped him right there.
He would have tormented that hairless lower body, bitten and sucked those plump earlobes, kneaded and squeezed those meager breasts like pounding rice cakes, and pushed all the way into his belly. When penetrated so deeply, Ha-min would writhe in pleasure while trying to escape. He always felt awkward and afraid of the unfamiliar pleasure. That face, trembling in fear yet feeling pleasure, drove one mad.
Tae-rim breathed heavily as he greedily inhaled the scent. Cursing, he finally ejaculated a cloudy liquid. Catching his breath, he looked at the sticky fluid on his hand. The viscous liquid clung thickly between his fingers. His neat brow furrowed.
“……”
“Fuck,” a rough curse escaped involuntarily at this unprecedented sentimentality in his life.
Even after release, the thirst was still intense.
The owner’s absence grated on his nerves even more.
**
It had become a habit.
As soon as Ha-min arrived at his family home, as if escaping, he lay down on the bed. His moderately small and cozy room still had the same interior decorations from when he was young. The wallpaper with robot characters that were popular about 10 years ago, the worn-out desk and bed from long use, were all the same. This childish room that seemed stuck in the past was his only sanctuary. Perhaps because of the memory of being holed up here for over a month, it was the most comfortable place for him.
Ha-min had finally confessed everything he had been hesitating to tell Tae-in. He had wanted to tell him in advance, fearing Tae-in would feel more betrayed if he found out later. If the situation were reversed, he thought he would feel very hurt too.
So he had been thinking, I should tell him, I should tell him, but seeing Tae-in accept his hyung’s situation so calmly, Ha-min felt it wasn’t something he should hide anymore. Knowing what kind of person Tae-in was, he couldn’t not tell him.
There was something a counselor who had advised him before had said. That revealing wounds also needs practice. Of course, this doesn’t mean he was practicing on Tae-in. But he needed to get used to it, and he thought the first step had to be with Tae-in. After all, as Tae-in said, they were best friends.
When he confessed everything, Tae-in showed tears. It was unfamiliar to see Tae-in, with his mountain-like build and manly behavior, crying. Ha-min felt sorry yet grateful to Tae-in for crying. When his mother cried because of him, he only felt sad and sorry, but somehow it was comforting when his friend cried for him. Perhaps his lonely self had always needed the existence of a friend.
After coming home, Ha-min slept for over two days straight. He lay in bed, covering himself up to his head with the blanket, repeatedly falling asleep and waking up. In between, his mother knocked on the door asking him to eat. Despite this foolish behavior starting again, his mother didn’t pry. Even when he locked the door, she didn’t force him to come out. As if she was used to this pathetic state.
When Ha-min came to his senses again, it was a dim night. He sat blankly and first charged his phone which had run out of battery. As soon as the screen turned on, messages from his friends flooded in. Ha-min looked for Tae-in’s contact first. The message asked him to call when he saw it. Ha-min carefully pressed the call button. The call connected almost immediately.
“Hello?”
At the voice that seemed to have been waiting, Ha-min gripped his phone tightly.
“It’s me, Ha-min.”
“I know, man. I’ve been waiting for your call.”
It was his usual voice, trying to sound nonchalant.
“Ah, sorry.”
“…What are you sorry for.”
“Tae-in, I thought maybe I told you something too burdensome.”
Ha-min spoke while pressing his fingertips firmly.
“…If you hadn’t told me, I might have cut ties with you.”
Tae-in answered, half serious and half joking.
“And I keep telling you, stop saying sorry.”
“……”
“There’s not a single thing you’ve told me that you need to apologize for.”
His voice was quite resolute. He seemed ready to scold Ha-min if he said sorry one more time. Ha-min sighed deflated and gripped his phone tightly. The awkwardness after honestly spilling everything was a necessary hurdle to overcome. Ha-min hesitantly continued.
“It’s just, about hyung, and also…”
“Song Ha-min.”
“……”
“Back then, I was so flustered I couldn’t speak properly…”
“……”
“Actually, I was so shocked… I just couldn’t believe everything you said…”
Tae-in stumbled over his words, still seeming dazed.
“But I’m the one… who’s sorry.”
“……”
“We were only close in words. Like an idiot.”
His choked-up voice was heated. Ha-min smiled faintly with a calm face.
“What do you have to be sorry for.”
“……”
“I’m the stupid one.”
“……”
“I’m the one who’s sorry.”
