#82
“Hey… Song Ha-min.”
Tae-in’s hardened voice echoed in his ears.
“Are you… crying?”
It wasn’t his composed appearance that was sad.
It was the vivid image of him leaving again like that. Just like when they were young, disappearing without a trace, and the pathetic image of himself longing for over ten years. The fact that he was too heartless to give even a hint that he was going to leave. And because this sentimental emotion was so miserable and pitiful.
Even knowing he shouldn’t, tears fell. Once they started falling, they flowed uncontrollably. His body trembled as the tears that seemed to have been waiting turned into sobs.
The years of suppressed time, the layers of sorrowful emotions, poured out like a waterfall.
**
“Have you calmed down a bit now?”
Tae-in asked with a concerned face, more so than ever, as he handed over a tissue. Ha-min, who had been crying as if pouring out years of sorrow, finally felt embarrassed by his state and wiped his tear-stained face with a long stroke. The tissue in his hand became damp.
How long had he cried? It had been a really long time since he cried like this. Perhaps because of the tears shed as if the sorrow that had unknowingly accumulated had exploded, he even felt a bit refreshed.
Ha-min looked at Tae-in with a more refreshed and detached expression.
“Sorry, I must have surprised you.”
“Of course I was surprised, man! I thought you were going to collapse from crying.”
Tae-in stroked his chest as if he had really been shocked and surprised. Ha-min laughed awkwardly and scratched his cheek.
“Did something happen? Why did you suddenly cry like the world was ending?”
Tae-in asked with a face that showed he couldn’t understand at all. Ha-min hesitated for a moment and then shook his head.
“Then why…?”
Tae-in also paused at Ha-min’s negative response. As if something had occurred to him, he frowned with a face that seemed to say ‘no way’.
“Don’t tell me you…”
“…”
“No, it can’t be.”
Tae-in muttered to himself, making his own guesses. Even while saying it couldn’t be, Tae-in looked at Ha-min again with a questioning face.
“Don’t tell me… I’m just asking because it seems unlikely…”
“…”
“…Did you cry because my hyung said he’s going to America?”
“…”
At the moment he burst into tears, Ha-min had intended to tell everything. It was one of the reasons he had met with Tae-in today in the first place. He had planned to confess everything to Tae-in at least. The scars on his wrist, the past times. He hadn’t planned to bring up the issue with hyung, but… he thought that if he hid it even after showing this state, it might be deceiving Tae-in.
“It seems it’s true…”
Tae-in looked flustered as he watched Ha-min not responding. He had an awkward expression as if he didn’t know what to say.
“…I’m sorry.”
Ha-min bowed his head deeply like a sinner.
“Um… I’m asking because I don’t quite understand, does that mean… you, possibly, my hyung…?”
Tae-in’s words were choppy. He had a foolish expression as if he couldn’t even imagine it. The more he reacted like this, the more Ha-min shrank, his shoulders drooping and his head dropping even lower.
“…I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s not something to be sorry about.”
“…I should have said it earlier…”
Tae-in, unable to hide his shock, quickly waved his hand as he saw Ha-min unable to lift his head like a sinner.
“No… you might not have been able to say it…”
Tae-in muttered to himself, then turned around for a moment as if thinking, and slapped his own face as if trying to correct his foolish-looking appearance. His expression was completely lacking in reality.
“…Do you really like him?”
Tae-in carefully asked again, as if he couldn’t believe it. Ha-min, seeing Tae-in’s flustered state, felt even more guilty and just repeated his apologies.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m not saying you should apologize to me…”
“…”
“It’s just… unreal? Sudden?”
Tae-in scratched his temple with a dazed face, still unable to believe it, while feeling sorry for Ha-min who kept apologizing.
And then there was silence for a while. The brief moment of silence felt like an eternity to Ha-min. Tae-in seemed to be thinking deeply about what to say, pondering for a long time with a contemplative face, and then let out a long sigh. Erasing his foolish expression, he seemed to have sorted out his thoughts a bit and faced Ha-min again with a somewhat calmer face.
“I’m sorry too. I was so shocked for a moment that I couldn’t speak properly.”
Tae-in rubbed the tip of his nose awkwardly with a composed voice.
“And why are you apologizing for something like that?”
“…”
“Even if you like men… even if it happens to be my hyung? It feels a bit strange, but that’s not something you need to apologize to me for.”
Although it was shocking that Ha-min said he liked his brother, it wasn’t something that should make Ha-min feel like a sinner. He wasn’t that narrow-minded, and moreover, the person in question was Ha-min, whom he had always boasted about as his one and only best friend. He had no intention of blaming Ha-min for liking his brother. He was just surprised and it was sudden.
“So, are you… that way…?”
Tae-in asked very carefully. He spoke very cautiously, worried that it might upset Ha-min.
“…Your hyung was the only one I’ve ever liked.”
That was shocking in its own way. To have only liked that one person in over 20 years of life. Tae-in couldn’t close his open mouth.
“Does hyung know…?”
When Tae-in asked again, Ha-min immediately shook his head.
“Ah…”
“…He doesn’t know that I like him.”
…That I like ‘him’? So there’s something more? Tae-in blinked his eyes wide.
“But I…”
“…”
“I… to hyung…”
Ha-min struggled to continue his words and exhaled deeply. It was never easy to be honest. He didn’t think Tae-in would understand everything unconditionally. But he wanted to say it.
Tae-in, whom he met after a long time, was genuinely happy to see him and cared for him even in unseen places. He had earnestly asked juniors to take care of him, and even tried to mingle together by dragging him to club MT events that had nothing to do with him. He felt the existence of a friend again after years. He thought he should be honest to this guy who considered him a close friend and tried hard for him.
“I just… to hyung… just physically…”
“…”
“I suggested we just enjoy each other’s bodies…”
Ha-min just wanted to die. Even as he spoke, he wanted to run away. But he was prepared to accept whatever Tae-in might say. As he waited for Tae-in’s next words like that, it was strangely quiet. Ha-min thought it was strange and slowly raised his head to glance at Tae-in.
“It’s… weird, right?”
“…”
“Even if you’re disappointed in me… I understand…”
“No.”
“Huh?”
“It’s not that…”
“…Huh?”
Tae-in was surprised, but that wasn’t all….
“Are you saying hyung touched you?”
Tae-in furrowed his brows roughly. Come to think of it, other people’s love affairs were none of his business. But the fact that his brother, who said he cared for Ha-min like a younger brother, had touched Ha-min was not only unbelievable but also vexing.
“No, rather than touching…”
“…”
“I was the one who…”
“No matter if you made the first move, to you whom he considered like a younger brother.”
“Tae-in, that’s…”
“Even if he doesn’t discriminate between people, how could he do that to someone as innocent as you—, ah, seriously.”
Tae-in had never felt his frivolous brother to be this pathetic before. The other person was Song Ha-min. He was someone his brother considered like a younger brother, and if nothing else, Tae-in knew better than anyone how innocent and untainted Ha-min was.
The fact that he had touched such a person was not just vexing, but even angering. Tae-in, being his brother, knew best how promiscuous his brother was in relationships. He just learned for the first time that his brother was now capable of being with men too. Is this what it means to go all the way?
“And you too. Even if you’re innocent, how can you still not know what kind of person my brother is?”
“Huh…?”
“Well, I’ve never heard him say he dated men before… but hyung is the kind of person who finds these things easy, sleeping with someone, dating, breaking up. That kind of thing.”
“…”
“Even if he’s my brother, he’s really a bad guy when it comes to that stuff, okay?”
“…I know.”
Tae-in raised his voice uncharacteristically, frustrated with Ha-min’s naive behavior. Ha-min quietly answered, seeming to understand the meaning of his words fully. At that answer, Tae-in paused.
“…I know.”
“You know, and still…”
“Because I liked it.”
“…”
“I brought it up first.”
Ha-min conveyed his feelings of wanting to be close to him even in that way. He confessed to Tae-in his vile act of wanting to connect physically, if not emotionally, with someone he couldn’t reach.
“Hah…”
Tae-in let out a deep sigh as if trying to organize his momentarily excited emotions. His kind friend was even loving foolishly. That fact felt frustrating and even pitiable. Tae-in scratched his forehead with a troubled face.
“What if you get hurt doing that?”
Tae-in blurted out the words as if that was what he was most worried about. The casually uttered words were so kind that Ha-min let out a small laugh. After letting out a faint laugh, he carefully asked back with a face that had lost its smile.
In this situation, Tae-in worrying about him getting hurt was so kind and friendly that it made him laugh. It was strange that he had been so tense when Tae-in was, as always, too kind a friend. Ha-min let out a deflated laugh and then asked again in a subdued voice.
