#80
“There were a lot of photos of that senior on his feed, but he took them all down.”
“Hey, what does it matter if they broke up? Anyway, Tae-rim sunbae hardly comes to school, so it’s hard to see him.”
“Really? How do you know that? Are you stalking him?”
“Ah, my friend is in that department, so I know. It’s crazy TMI. They always talk about that senior.”
One of the chattering kids shuddered with a disgusted look. Ha-min, newly realizing his hyung’s popularity, just sipped his drink with a faint smile, saying nothing.
“But you know what?”
In the midst of this, one of them suddenly brightened up and smiled meaningfully. Perhaps due to the dim lighting at the drinking spot, it looked somewhat secretive. Ha-min, sitting in the middle, was forced to listen to the sudden topic. Everyone murmured, “What is it? What?” and focused.
“I heard he’s the one who beat up Cha Jun-seong.”
Ha-min’s eyes widened at the unexpected statement. Unlike his startled reaction, laughter and sighs erupted from all around.
“Ah, what nonsense―”
“Why would that sunbae beat him up?”
“I heard one of our classmates saw it. But they were drunk, so the memory’s a bit hazy…”
“Why would the sunbae waste his time on him? That’s ridiculous.”
The kids clinked their glasses while giggling. They chatted as if it was a joke and naturally moved on to other topics. The subject changed rapidly in just a few minutes. Ha-min was the only one who couldn’t laugh and seemed lost in thought.
Strangely, he felt uneasy. Although Ha-min also thought it was a baseless rumor, some suspicious thoughts emerged. It was true that Cha Jun-seong and his hyung were alone together at that time. It seemed reasonable to be suspicious given the timing, but he hadn’t thought anything of it then. It was when his hyung had comforted him, exhausting him in the process. They had slept peacefully together, woken up and had breakfast, watched movies… and even drank with friends.
“Hyung, aren’t you going to drink more?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. Drink up.”
While Ha-min was momentarily lost in thought, his empty glass was filled with alcohol. He forced a smile and raised his glass, trying to erase his thoughts.
“I’ll pour for you too, I’ll pour.”
Ha-min acted uncharacteristically friendly. He was stiff as a board, but it was an attempt to change.
**
When Ha-min finally reached the gosiwon entrance with difficulty, he couldn’t hold it in anymore and crouched down to retch. Forcing down a few glasses of somaek to fit in had backfired.
Eun-soo worriedly patted Ha-min’s back, while Chae-rin clicked her tongue and took out a bottle of water from her bag.
“Oppa, drink this.”
His throat burned from the refluxing stomach acid, and his eyes involuntarily reddened. Ha-min’s suddenly pale complexion contrasted sharply with his wet lips. He sat down on the steps at the gosiwon entrance, panting heavily.
“Thanks.”
He received the water bottle from Chae-rin with both hands politely and smiled sheepishly. The smell of alcohol wafted strongly from his droopy eyes and relaxed smile.
He had been stumbling since leaving the bar. Since his home was nearby, Eun-soo and Chae-rin were escorting him to the gosiwon. The whole way, Ha-min kept fumbling in his pockets. Perhaps regretting his strict diet, he kept pulling out dried snacks from his pockets endlessly. He would take them out to eat while humming songs, or muttering childish insults like “stupid idiot,” “fool” to himself.
“Oppa, go inside now.”
Eun-soo spoke gently, patting the shoulder of Ha-min, who was sitting and blinking his eyes. He seemed unusually excited today, which made her worry.
“Okay, okay.”
Ha-min nodded obediently. Seeing him look bitter even while smiling, Eun-soo looked at Chae-rin. Her gaze seemed to ask if Chae-rin knew why this oppa was acting this way, but Chae-rin just shrugged. Not getting a satisfactory answer, Eun-soo sighed deeply.
“Oppa, can you go in by yourself? Should we leave now?”
“Mm-hmm.”
Ha-min smiled innocently. Eun-soo, looking endlessly worried, hesitated for a moment before finally turning to leave with Chae-rin. The whole way, Eun-soo kept looking back with a concerned face. Ha-min waved his hand exuberantly. And when they disappeared around the corner, he lowered his hand and hung his head low. He couldn’t move easily as he felt like he might retch again from the churning in his stomach.
“Phew…”
He steadied his dizzy mind with a deep breath. His alcohol-soaked vision swayed. Objects in front of him kept switching between one and two.
“…I’m not drunk.”
Ha-min muttered to himself as he tried to put strength in his legs. But frustratingly, he couldn’t muster any strength and couldn’t even stand up. Suddenly, he felt pitiful. He hadn’t meant to drink this much. But upon overhearing that conversation, he had unconsciously kept downing drinks.
‘But I think that sunbae got a new girlfriend.’
The topic of conversation that came up occasionally was about his hyung. He was forced to hear news about his hyung that even he hadn’t known. While others chatted lightly as if gossiping about a celebrity, Ha-min alone floundered as if in a different world.
‘I saw him walking arm in arm with some noona yesterday.’
That casual remark that just passed by stabbed at his solar plexus. Ha-min thumped his chest with his fist. But the heavy lump stuck there wouldn’t easily disappear. He felt like there was a stench coming from his heart. It seemed to smell as terrible as something that had gone moldy.
“…Idiot.”
Ha-min, with his upper body slumped, muttered with his head down.
“…”
It was only natural. He had cleanly ended the relationship as he wanted, so it shouldn’t matter if the other met a woman or anyone else afterwards. Why was he feeling sad all alone? He felt pathetic, loving alone and breaking up alone.
He was always impulsive when drinking. Emotions that couldn’t be contained overflowed aimlessly, and hidden feelings raced like a horse without reins.
‘Ha-min, you’re such a slut.’
He didn’t know why those words stuck in his mind so much. They kept popping up occasionally, tormenting him. More than the forceful lovemaking that had lasted all night, more than the cold words about settling things cleanly, those words kept lingering in his chest.
“…”
I put it down because it was too heavy.
“It’s not easy at all…”
His alcohol-soaked voice resonated softly.
With hazy eyes, he stared at the flickering streetlight. The orange streetlight alternated between illuminating and hiding the dark alley. To calm his overflowing feelings, he sat there for quite a long time, lost in thought.
**
Tae-in’s house, which Ha-min visited after a long time, was cleaner than usual. Ha-min was greatly impressed by the cleanliness that seemed touched by a professional and the feast spread out on the dining table. “Wow…” As he looked around with a surprised face, Tae-in gestured for him to sit down.
Ha-min sat down across from him with a dazed expression. Tae-in had insisted he come over, so he even changed his part-time job schedule. He was worried his hyung might be there, but he had no intention of avoiding it. He had already decided to go back to how things were before, so he planned to act as usual.
He had even practiced his expressions in front of the mirror at home. He practiced smiling awkwardly, but there wasn’t even a hair of his hyung to be seen in the house. It was a relief. As he let out a small sigh of relief, he heard a reproachful voice from across the table.
“Why have you lost more weight?”
Tae-in frowned as he scrutinized Ha-min’s complexion. His cheeks, which were already sunken from dieting, looked even more hollow these days.
Ha-min blinked his round eyes and fiddled with his face. An embarrassed expression was clear on his face.
“It’s not that bad… I haven’t been able to exercise lately.”
“You’ve been looking out of it and weird lately. Anyway, just eat first.”
Tae-in said, passing over the chopsticks.
“Did you prepare all this by yourself?”
Ha-min asked with a surprised face at the more lavish meal than expected. Tae-in laughed as if to say that’s ridiculous.
“Me? No. The housekeeper made it.”
“Ah, I thought so. But is it okay for me to eat this?”
“Hey, there’s no one else to eat it at our house.”
When Ha-min asked cautiously, Tae-in waved his hand dismissively. No one else to eat it? Ha-min carefully opened his mouth with a slightly confused face.
“…What about hyung?”
“Hyung hardly ever comes home anyway.”
“Ah…”
A single exclamation escaped. Ha-min smiled faintly, changing the subject with a face that no longer seemed concerned.
“It’s delicious.”
“Want some wine?”
“Ah, sure.”
“Okay, wait a bit.”
Tae-in stood up abruptly, as if he had been waiting for this. He seemed excited, and the chair scraped loudly as it was pushed back.
Ding.
While Tae-in had momentarily gone to the wine rack, a mechanical sound was heard. Ha-min’s hand, which had been using the chopsticks, suddenly stopped.
The sound of footsteps approaching briskly could be heard. Ha-min unconsciously tensed up and stared meaninglessly at the food.
“You’re home?”
Tae-in, who had already brought the wine, greeted Tae-rim casually as he entered the house.
“Yeah.”
He answered without even looking, clearly exhausted.
“Didn’t you go to work today?”
“Just changing clothes.”
He answered leisurely and was about to head to his room when he suddenly paused. He slowly turned around.
“You should at least eat before you go.”
Tae-in said, showing concern, but his quiet eyes were fixed only on Ha-min. Feeling the direct gaze, Ha-min just fiddled with the spoon in his hand. He put on the expression he had practiced in the mirror. Just as he was about to look at Tae-rim with an awkward smile, trying to act nonchalant, Tae-rim spoke first.
“Ha-min is here.”
