#79
From messages from classmates asking why he wasn’t attending class, to Hee-gyeom’s persistent inquiries about where hyung was. Only then did he remember his dinner plans with Hee-gyeom. With his mind in a whirl, unable to sort things out, he turned off his phone screen. Then he unconsciously stared at the sleeping figure on the bed.
The bruise marks that had covered his neck were also present on his body, which hadn’t been visible before. Seeing the bruise marks on the toned body without an ounce of fat, Ha-min found himself inadvertently stroking those spots throughout the night. This seemed to stimulate him even more, causing him to frown and grind his teeth. And his movements became more violent.
His limbs shook like a powerless doll, and he thrust his hips while looking down at Ha-min like a madman. When their eyes met, he would kiss him and intertwine their tongues as if he had been waiting for it. It was so voracious that their saliva dripped out of their mouths, and the obscene, slurping sounds were almost vulgar.
Ha-min realized today that sex could be frightening. Reason was crushed and crumbled by pleasure, making him act like an idiot. His body moved solely on instinctual desires. Even knowing he shouldn’t, his hips moved on their own, and he begged for kisses.
His regrettable actions flashed before his eyes like a fleeting dream. Ha-min sighed deeply, continuously rubbing his face. He felt mortified and ashamed to the point of wanting to die. The only consolation was that today would be the last time. As he had said, it was a definitive end to their relationship.
A bitter smile crossed his lips. Somehow, his stomach churned. A lump of emotion caught in his throat like a thorn. It’s just going back to how things were before. Just an acquainted hyung, a close hyung, like a friend’s older brother.
Trying to compose his emotionally fluctuating thoughts, Ha-min left the hotel room. The door closed with a thud. It sounded like cutting off a persistent feeling.
**
Time passed quietly.
He attended classes as usual, ate with the kids, and did his part-time job. He returned to his room to work on overflowing assignments and started preparing for final exams by reviewing postponed lectures.
Naturally, there was no contact from hyung after that day. The daily communications and his frequent visits all ceased abruptly.
He had come to Ha-min’s gosiwon room several times and picked him up from the convenience store. Thinking about it, hyung always made the first move. He approached first, greeted first, and was affectionate first. It was always hyung who reached out first. Ha-min couldn’t reject his hand, nor could he approach first. It was truly a paradoxical relationship.
Although he was living as if nothing had changed, Ha-min developed a habit of staring blankly into space when alone. In the early hours, sitting at the convenience store counter when customers were scarce, he sat still like a person in a daze, unable to suppress the thoughts that kept surfacing. Only when the door chime rang did he get up from his seat as if waking from sleep.
He was feeling the absence of the person who had filled his life in such a short period.
To erase distracting thoughts, he lived busier than before and was more proactive than usual. He attended gatherings he usually avoided, visited clubs with many seniors to greet them and engage in small talk. When the kids suggested having a drink, he didn’t refuse. Today was no exception. At the suggestion of having a drink before final exam preparations, they all gathered in a noisy bar. Not only were his close friends there, but also classmates he had barely spoken to.
“Oppa, why did you come out for once?”
A girl with permed hair from the same department asked curiously as she filled Ha-min’s glass. Since he rarely participated in department gatherings, everyone he met asked similar questions. Each time, Ha-min just smiled awkwardly. After experiencing a series of events, he felt that what he needed most was change.
He was a stagnant person who hadn’t changed at all. The unrequited love of over 10 years, the scars from self-harm, the victim mentality – he had just been holding onto all of it without taking any action. Having decided to sort things out one by one, he wanted to try something.
“Just felt like having a drink.”
When Ha-min answered sheepishly, nearby girls, seeing an opportunity, offered him drinks. They said they had been wanting a chance to get closer. The male classmates also scooted closer.
“Hyung, take my glass too.”
“Ah, yes. Thanks.”
“Finally get to drink with you, hyung.”
The mixed gathering of boys and girls was boisterous from the start. Even a boy he had barely spoken to before approached with a grin.
“After always seeing those guys, drinking with oppa makes the alcohol taste better.”
“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean? We’re drinking with you too.”
The girls across from Ha-min jokingly spoke with exaggerated expressions, watching the boy pouring drinks next to him. The girls agreed while the boys grumbled, creating a playful back-and-forth. Yet they seemed to enjoy exchanging drinks.
“Hyung, come out more often from now on―. Don’t just hang out with Ha Eun-soo’s group, play with us too.”
They chattered, getting physically close in a friendly manner. Ha-min could only smile awkwardly at their welcoming words. He quietly served food onto the kids’ plates and handed water to those who were drinking too much from the start, keeping busy. Even though Ha-min didn’t say much, the kids chattered away happily among themselves. Eun-soo and Chae-rin, sitting at another table, watched as Ha-min struggled in the awkward group.
“But oppa, do you really not have a girlfriend?”
“There’s Chae-rin, isn’t there?”
“Ah, that was a lie. I heard he did that on purpose because of that idiot Cha Jun-seong?”
“Oh, right. That bastard was going around saying oppa was gay, right?”
A girl who had been speaking with a look of disdain threw a piece of popcorn at the face of a male classmate next to her and asked. Startled, the boy hastily denied it, trembling.
“What, what are you talking about~. I didn’t do that! That guy just spread rumors out of spite. I even tried to stop him.”
“You were so close like best friends before…. tsk tsk.”
“I’m telling you it’s not true! Hyung, it’s not true. I swear. I never said such things.”
The boy pleaded his innocence, even placing his hand on his heart. Ha-min awkwardly smiled and gently pushed away the body leaning in close.
“It’s okay….”
Although it stung that it wasn’t just a baseless rumor, he tried not to look flustered.
Ha-min could only smile awkwardly at the unexpected mention of Cha Jun-seong.
“They say even good-looking guys have troubles, oppa.”
The girl sitting next to him patted Ha-min’s shoulder as if to comfort him. That’s when it happened.
“Oh….”
A gasp of surprise was heard from the girl who had been laughing playfully. When Ha-min turned to look at the unexpected sound, he saw the girl staring intently at somewhere around his neck. Ha-min’s gaze followed hers. Unable to see what she was looking at, he remained puzzled. The girl leaned in and whispered in his ear with a mischievous smile.
“Oppa, pull up your hoodie.”
Blinking in confusion at the sudden advice, Ha-min saw the girl quietly tapping her own neck and speaking softly.
“It’s all visible on the back of your neck.”
As soon as she said that, Ha-min’s face turned red. He suddenly remembered the congestion marks that hadn’t faded yet. There were still a few marks that hadn’t disappeared even after several days, and they seemed to be visible beyond his clothing. Perhaps because their lovemaking had been particularly rough, when he showered, he saw reddish-purple marks all over his body as if it had been battered. It was embarrassing even to look in the mirror.
“And you said you didn’t have a girlfriend.”
She spoke playfully, just loud enough for others not to hear, and poked Ha-min’s side. Ha-min covered his neck area with his hand, unable to lift his head due to embarrassment. With nothing to say, he downed his drink. It was a poorly mixed soju and beer cocktail. After gulping it down like water, a bitter taste rose up.
“How is it possible for someone like oppa to be single?”
“Usually, handsome guys are either taken or gay.”
“It’s bleak, just bleak.”
“Oh, by the way, I heard that sunbae broke up with his girlfriend.”
They chattered away like fish in water. Ha-min pulled his collar up higher to hide the marks that hadn’t been concealed. Only then did he feel at ease and fiddle with his glass. When he turned his head absently, he saw Eun-soo and Chae-rin chatting face to face.
Eun-soo was doing most of the talking, while Chae-rin listened quietly, occasionally smirking. She was busy putting food into Eun-soo’s mouth as he talked. For some reason, Chae-rin’s face looked gentle. Her usually indifferent face had softened, making her look like a different person.
Suddenly, Ha-min remembered what Chae-rin had said when she immediately noticed his feelings upon seeing him with hyung. She had said she knew right away that he liked hyung, that she could tell just by looking. Now, he felt like he understood what she meant. As he was lost in thought, staring at them…
“Which sunbae? Ah, Lee Tae-rim?”
Ha-min’s shoulders flinched as the familiar name popped up in the conversation.
“Yeah. He had that really pretty girlfriend, remember?”
“Oh, I know that noona. She was like an Instagram star, right? I followed her too.”
“Her follower count rivaled celebrities’.”
Ha-min’s ears perked up without him realizing it.
