#74
“No.”
He answered firmly. Well, there wasn’t any medicine for bruises anyway. The only thing that could be applied was ointment, so perhaps it was fortunate. At the somewhat cold answer, Ha-min nodded and quietly hid the plastic container out of sight, then spread a blanket on the floor.
“What are you doing?”
Tae-rim asked coldly, looking at Ha-min. Huh? At that question, Ha-min looked up with a puzzled expression, and Tae-rim said with his characteristic expressionless face:
“I said I didn’t want to sleep alone tonight.”
“Ah… but still.”
“Come up.”
Though his voice was gentle, there was a somewhat forceful tone. Moreover, with his subtly lowered gaze, Ha-min couldn’t refuse and clumsily climbed onto the bed.
“Let’s sleep.”
Ha-min lay down against the wall, and Tae-rim took the outer side. The bed was so narrow that their bodies touched naturally even if they tried not to. Tae-rim closed his eyes as soon as Ha-min lay down. Whether the day had been tiring, fatigue was visible on his face that was usually relaxed.
Ha-min scanned Tae-rim’s injuries with narrowly opened eyes. The color of the bruises settling in completely was vivid. It must have hurt, but he seemed to have no interest in his own injuries. That had been pricking Ha-min’s heart since earlier.
It would be a lie to say he didn’t resent Tae-rim. But feeling he had no right to hate him, Ha-min quickly erased those feelings. It was selfish to hate the other person just because they didn’t reciprocate his one-sided love that he had started on his own. He should go back. Back to when he was content just looking at Tae-rim.
Just as Ha-min was secretly looking at Tae-rim with his eyes closed, his tightly closed lips opened.
“Since when?”
It was a quiet question. A voice low enough to resonate gently in the dark, narrow room.
At the sudden question, Ha-min caught its intent and let out an “Ah,” before giving a made-up answer.
“…Not long.”
“How long is ‘not long’?”
Ha-min’s body stiffened at the unusually subdued voice. Even then, Tae-rim didn’t open his eyes. Ha-min frowned, pondered, and then replied.
“A week…?”
“When you went to Jeju Island.”
Has it been that long already? Ha-min tilted his head and answered dazedly.
“Y-yes.”
There was no response after that. Tae-rim closed his eyes more deeply and said nothing more. In the ensuing silence, Ha-min regained his composure and carefully observed Tae-rim, who was facing him with his back against the wall.
It was the last night. The last night they would spend lying side by side like this. Ha-min took advantage of Tae-rim’s silence to stare at his face. Sometimes, looking at Tae-rim’s flawless face felt unreal. That’s why even when they hugged, kissed, or slept together, it felt like a dream. It felt like an illusion, a fantasy. Thinking it was so good, Ha-min wondered if he could really give it up, and let out a silent sneer.
What if you can’t? Do you want to date him or something? At the questions rumbling inside him, Ha-min smiled faintly as if mocking himself and closed his eyes. He turned his body towards the wall. Otherwise, he felt he might stare at Tae-rim’s face all night. Using the excuse that it was the last time.
Just as he was forcibly closing his eyes and pressing his body close to the wall, he suddenly felt a strong warmth behind his back. Tae-rim, whom he thought was asleep, pressed his body close and buried his face in Ha-min’s nape. Ha-min’s body stiffened at the sudden intense contact. Tae-rim traced Ha-min’s neck with the tip of his nose and brought his lips to Ha-min’s ear. A thick voice matching his deep breathing spread out.
“Should we just do it once?”
“……”
“Don’t you want to?”
His subtle voice was somewhat suppressed. Ha-min’s eyes widened in surprise at the tone that had a raw edge to it. Perhaps sensing Ha-min’s startled trembling, Tae-rim wrapped his arm around Ha-min’s waist and pulled him into his embrace as if to say don’t be tense.
“Come to think of it, I feel wronged.”
“……”
“You’re throwing hyung away because of some guy you’ve only known for a week.”
His voice, mixed with laughter but with a raw edge, resonated as if teasing Ha-min. There was playfulness in it, but it was an extremely displeased tone. His mood, which had seemed unaffected, was now thoroughly twisted.
“It’s, it’s not like that.”
“If it is, wouldn’t it be less unfair to just do it once when I’m offering, and then end it?”
Ha-min bit his lower lip hard at Tae-rim’s malicious words. It’s not like that… You don’t know anything. Even though he didn’t want to, feelings of blaming Tae-rim surfaced. With his emotions welling up, Ha-min didn’t turn around and kept his mouth shut.
“Look at me.”
Tae-rim commanded Ha-min, who was lying still facing the wall. At the forceful tone, Ha-min couldn’t easily turn around and just kept biting his lips. You don’t even know how I feel… You don’t know anything. How many days and nights I couldn’t sleep well, worrying and agonizing until I could bring this up. You don’t know anything…
…You don’t even know how much I like you. Even though you won’t like me back.
Ha-min’s heart twisted at the petty thoughts that finally emerged.
“Ha-min, look at hyung.”
As Ha-min remained uncharacteristically motionless, Tae-rim swallowed his raw tone and called out to him as if coaxing. Ha-min didn’t want to turn around. He felt that if he saw Tae-rim’s distorted expression, his emotions would jump around, making his insides sting.
“…Just.”
“…”
“I just… want to sleep.”
Ha-min barely managed to speak in a thin voice, swallowing down his emotions.
“…I’m sorry.”
Ha-min closed his eyes tightly again. Then silence fell once more. Ha-min curled up, clutching his aching stomach. The warm heat that had been against his back disappeared. Soon after, the bed rippled. It was the rebound as Tae-rim, who had been lying down, got up. Sitting on the edge of the bed after getting up, Tae-rim let out a low sigh.
“Ha…”
After exhaling deeply as if to clear his complicated feelings, Tae-rim abruptly got up and left the room. When Ha-min heard the considerably loud door sound, he felt all the muscles in his body relax. Along with it, the compressed tension was released. Ha-min scanned the room with a tired face. Did he just leave? As he looked around wondering this, Tae-rim’s belongings were still there. Ha-min let out a deflated laugh, finding it funny that he was worrying whether Tae-rim had just left in this situation.
Ha-min tightly closed his eyes, really wanting to fall asleep before Tae-rim returned. To calm his churning insides, he thought of other things.
Just as he was reciting to himself thoughts of ordinary daily life like upcoming assignments and final exams, the door opened again with a beep. Tae-rim, who came in after about 10 minutes, smelled of wind and cigarettes. The bed rippled again, and there was a sign of him lying down in the same place. Ha-min lay still, pretending to be asleep.
“…Ha-min.”
Lying diagonally with his chin propped up, Tae-rim looked down at Ha-min’s sleeping face and called out in a soft voice. It wasn’t a call that particularly expected an answer. Even though Ha-min didn’t respond, persistently pretending to be asleep, Tae-rim just looked down quietly and carefully brushed aside the bangs covering Ha-min’s face.
It was a gentle touch, as if he was atoning for saying something bad, perhaps having sorted out his emotions while smoking. It was a touch that even felt affectionate.
But even that must be a misunderstanding. Ha-min suppressed the urge to embrace and kiss Tae-rim, inwardly self-deprecating. His entire heart was shaken just by that one gentle touch.
He was far from ready. That’s why he needed distance, and that’s why he needed lies. Maybe someday, this feeling would become dull again. Maybe he could cut off even a little of this tenacious feeling. Only such desperate wishes swirled in his mind.
**
“Oppa, are you sick somewhere?”
While eating in the student cafeteria, Eun-soo stared at Ha-min. Ha-min, who never missed a meal, was strangely picking at his food today. The first to notice this was Eun-soo, the most perceptive one. Ha-min waved his hand with a pale complexion.
“No, why?”
As he touched his face with a stiff smile, Eun-soo drew in a breath and watched him with suspicious eyes.
“You don’t look well.”
“I just didn’t sleep well.”
“Nothing’s wrong, right?”
Eun-soo asked worriedly once more. Ha-min shook his head with an awkward smile. There really wasn’t anything wrong. He just looked unwell because he couldn’t sleep all night.
Tae-rim had looked at him for a long time before getting up before dawn. There was the sound of him gathering and putting on his clothes, and he carefully left the room so as not to wake Ha-min. Even though he had said he didn’t want to sleep alone, he didn’t sleep at all. Of course, it was the same for Ha-min. Neither of them had been able to sleep.
“But why does this guy keep hanging around here these days?”
Woo-kyung, who had been keeping quiet as if reflecting on the Jeju incident, finally blurted out. What Woo-kyung was pointing at was Hee-gyeom, who was sitting next to Ha-min and eating his meal heartily.
“What. Can’t we eat together?”
Hee-gyeom retorted discontentedly at the finger pointed at him.
“It’s not just once or twice, why do you eat with us every single day? Don’t you have friends?”
“No, I don’t. I’m a loner.”
“A class representative saying he’s a loner. What a joke. If you say that in front of real loners, you’ll get cursed at.”
Woo-kyung grumbled with an exasperated face at Hee-gyeom’s reckless answer. They seemed comfortable with each other, probably because they were in the same club. At their conversation, Ha-min looked at Hee-gyeom with a surprised face.
“Hee-gyeom, you’re the class representative?”
