#72
“I’ll have an iced chocolate.”
No matter how hard he tried to diet, he couldn’t give up sweet things. Chocolate was a prime example. Whenever he went to a cafe, he always ordered chocolate drinks.
“Do you like sweet things?”
“Yeah… I gained a lot of weight because I like sweets so much.”
“Hyung, you must be really tough, unlike your appearance.”
“Huh?”
“People who succeed in dieting are really tough. Especially if you were really overweight, that says it all.”
Is that so… Ha-min just smiled as he listened quietly.
After finishing their small talk, Ha-min took a sip of his drink to wet his throat. Then he gently broached the subject.
“Hee-gyeom.”
At the soft call, Hee-gyeom looked up from his phone. His face was bright with a grin.
“You don’t have to keep taking care of me like this.”
There had been several instances of him hovering around since Jeju Island. Although Ha-min knew the reason and pretended not to notice, he brought it up first as it seemed Hee-gyeom was still concerned.
“It’s the first time I’ve seen something like this… I think it’s a bit surprising and worrying…”
“You’re right.”
Hee-gyeom answered surprisingly calmly. His face had lost its usual lighthearted expression.
“I keep worrying about it.”
“…”
“I keep thinking about how hard it must have been for you… That’s why I did it. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable.”
Hee-gyeom spoke straightforwardly without making excuses.
“But it’s not like pity or anything like that!”
“Mm-hmm.”
“It’s not just because of that, I also want to get closer to you, so…”
Hee-gyeom stumbled over his words, afraid his true feelings might be misunderstood. Understanding his intentions well enough, Ha-min nodded with a smile.
“I want to be close with Hee-gyeom too.”
“Ah, yes. Me too.”
Hee-gyeom also smiled brightly and nodded vigorously at Ha-min’s words, spoken with a bright smile.
“But… don’t worry about that anymore.”
“…”
“Just treat it as something insignificant.”
“…”
“Just think of it as a wound from falling down… Think of it like that.”
Ha-min spoke calmly while maintaining a faint smile.
At Ha-min’s words that sounded like a request, Hee-gyeom nodded obediently. Ha-min smiled slightly at his nodding, like an obedient dog. Then, to change the mood, he casually asked, “Do you want to have dessert too?” Hee-gyeom cheerfully answered, “Yes,” without hesitation.
It felt like the heavily piled-up feelings were crumbling like a sandcastle. A wound from falling down. Looking back, it really was like that… But the emotions had run so deep that it became something grand. The more self-pity grew, the more one sank into the swamp. Whether it was a wound or love, it was all the same.
**
“Have you eaten?”
A caring voice came through the phone.
“Yeah.”
Ha-min continued his conversation with Tae-rim while organizing items at the convenience store.
“I didn’t see you at lunch, did you eat something other than the school cafeteria?”
Knowing that Ha-min usually ate at the school cafeteria, he asked naturally.
“Ah, yes. I had blood sausage soup.”
“With the others?”
“No, with Hee-gyeom…”
Ha-min answered without any particular hesitation, as the misunderstanding about him and Hee-gyeom had ended as a simple incident. He also knew that Tae-rim was no longer concerned about it.
“You’ve been meeting quite often lately.”
It seemed that way because they had been having lunch together frequently. Ha-min struggled to answer while busily moving boxes.
“Yeah. He’s a good kid.”
He was a good kid who kept trying to take care of Ha-min.
“Do you like kind people?”
The casually uttered words came back as a question. At the unexpected query, Ha-min blinked for a moment.
“Yeah… I guess so.”
“And?”
“Huh?”
“What else do you like?”
Not understanding the intent of the question, Ha-min blinked slowly again with a dumb expression. Kind people. No, just hyung. Swallowing the words lingering in his mouth, he only gave an obvious answer.
“Nothing in particular… I just like it when people are kind.”
There was silence for a moment at the vague, casual answer. Ha-min asked for understanding as he needed to finish organizing the remaining items.
“Hyung, I need to finish working… I’ll hang up first, good night.”
After politely ending the call, Ha-min diligently put his phone in his uniform vest pocket and then lifted a box as big as his upper body. Even for a man, it was heavy, and he staggered for a moment. Whenever Ha-min worked his part-time job, items would pile up like mountains. As he was moving, barely able to see in front of him, the entrance bell rang.
“Welcome.”
Just as he quickly greeted without being able to see, someone taller than him by a hand’s width stood in front. The outside air was clearly felt. As soon as he realized who it was, a caring voice was heard.
“You’ll get hurt.”
“…?”
“Give it to hyung.”
A leisurely voice fell from above his head. And in an instant, the boxes in his hands were transferred to the other’s grasp.
“Where should I put them?”
For some reason, seeing him in the convenience store felt unfamiliar. Although he always appeared suddenly, today was particularly surprising. Ha-min hurriedly opened the storage room door with a dazed expression. The boxes that he had struggled to lift seemed so light in the other’s hands.
“He-here…”
He put them down easily and smiled brightly.
“Ha-min’s arms might break.”
“…”
“It’s really heavy.”
He joked with a playful smile, swinging his arms. Ha-min apologized with a startled face.
“Ah, sorry… I should have done it…”
“How about it, does hyung look a bit kind?”
He smiled charmingly. As Ha-min was vaguely staring, not catching the sudden intent of his words, something shocking came into view. Ha-min’s calm pupils suddenly dilated.
“Hyung, your face…”
There were bruises on his jade-like skin. One cheek was red and swollen, and from his collarbone to his jaw, there were red and blue bruises just starting to form, like a snake. Ha-min was at a loss for words, his mouth hanging open at the severe injuries.
“Your face…, the injuries, why…?”
Ha-min’s eyes, which had changed from bewildered to shocked, met Tae-rim’s naturally rising corners of his mouth.
“I was hit.”
At the words spoken as if complaining, Ha-min’s eyes grew even wider.
“Wh-who hit you?”
“Mom and Dad?”
“Huh?”
The answer he heard was even more surprising. In Ha-min’s memory, those two weren’t the type to resort to physical violence.
“Why?”
No matter what, to this extent…
Ha-min’s eyes furrowed. He looked pained, unable to even touch the injuries for fear of hurting Tae-rim. Tae-rim looked down at that face as if appreciating it and spoke in a childish tone as if tattling.
“They hit me for not listening.”
“…”
“Ah, does saying it like this make me sound like a bad kid?”
Ha-min knows how painful injuries like that must be. He replied jokingly with a voice mixed with laughter, as if it didn’t hurt at all.
“What didn’t you listen to that warranted this…”
Ha-min unconsciously frowned. Violence was what Ha-min hated and feared most in the world. However, Tae-rim seemed unaffected.
“I didn’t go to an important event.”
He said calmly, sitting on a convenience store chair and tapping his feet. Ha-min let out a small sigh at the words spoken as if talking about someone else’s business. Tae-rim’s leisurely voice flowed out again.
“The old man who said he was in pain was in such high spirits.”
Tae-rim blurted out nonchalantly, as if finding it quite funny.
“Did they… always hit you?”
“Only when I deserved it.”
He continued speaking calmly, as if it was nothing. His bright smile was even playful. How can he smile… Ha-min looked down at his injuries with furrowed brows.
At Ha-min’s uncharacteristically persistent gaze, Tae-rim smirked and naturally wrapped his arm around Ha-min’s waist. When he pulled him close, their eye levels matched exactly. Ha-min looked at him with a surprised face at the force suddenly pulling his body. Tae-rim’s subtle gaze and Ha-min’s startled gaze collided in mid-air.
“Ha-min, hyung is in pain.”
Tae-rim said as if whining. Sometimes he would act childishly unlike himself, and when he did, he looked like a large child.
“I don’t want to go home.”
He whined while caressing Ha-min’s waist. Even though it sounded like a simple complaint, his hand had already made its way inside Ha-min’s uniform. Ha-min’s back began to stiffen.
“Can hyung sleep in Ha-min’s room tonight?”
He smiled gently. By now, Ha-min knew that the question wasn’t simply about sleeping over. He smiled as if always hinting at a secret meaning and urging Ha-min. Always making him give in reluctantly.
Ha-min tried hard to avoid his gaze. He felt pathetic for almost agreeing right away. After setting his mind like that… He wanted to stop this same old routine now. Being swayed this way and that, he didn’t know where it would end up. He now knew too well that his overflowing kindness was ultimately poison to him.
“Um…”
“Yes?”
“I don’t think… that will work.”
Ha-min looked past him into the empty space. The words of refusal leaked out with difficulty.
“Why?”
Perhaps taking Ha-min’s answer as just a light protest, he asked back with a smirk.
Before opening his mouth, Ha-min felt like his throat was burning up. Every cell in his body reacted sensitively, to the point where he even had the illusion that his scars were hurting.
He didn’t know how much he had agonized over this for days. Since returning from Jeju Island, he had thought about it every day. How to sort out this relationship that he had twisted. How to use the time limit Tae-rim had set.
Should he meet with him a few more times and live like lovers, falling into an impossible fantasy, or should he bring up right away that he wanted to stop? He had stayed up all night thinking and rethinking about how to hide his impatient and anxious feelings, how not to show his hurt feelings. But no matter how much he thought about it, there was only one way.
