#62
“Why are you looking at me so beautifully?”
Perhaps because my gaze unconsciously filled with affection as I looked at him, he looked down at me and whispered sweet words. His voice was choked and interrupted by his hip movements, but it was mixed with laughter.
“Ha… uh.”
“Do you like it when we’re face to face like this?”
“Hy-hyung.”
“Do you like it when you’re looking at hyung while doing this? Hm?”
He asked persistently while thrusting his lower body vigorously. Ha-min, who had been shaking his head the whole time, nodded with a deeply furrowed brow. Although it seemed like a reluctant nod, Ha-min was sincere.
He liked everything – their bodies pressed so close together in the narrow car as if they were the only two left in the world, and that urgent expression that only showed when their bodies were intertwined. No, the truth was, he simply liked hyung.
Even when he pushed him with such lewd words, even when he blurted out words that made him uncomfortable, he liked hyung. He liked him so much for spending the whole day with him, trying to match his mood. He liked the gaze that kept watching him at the drinking party, and he liked the hand that held his in the movie theater.
Ha-min swallowed the overwhelming emotions and wrapped his trembling arms around his neck. Then, with broken breaths, he difficultly uttered words he could never say under normal circumstances.
“I… I like it. Haa, I like it…”
I was vile, cowardly, and pathetic for only being able to say these words by taking advantage of this opportunity.
“I like it…”
Ha-min murmured softly while tightly hugging his neck. Once unleashed, the words kept spilling out. The shameful feeling that everything would be allowed right now kept leaking out. Pulling out the heavy feelings that had been locked and caged inside made him feel infinitely lighter. He thought that if he became this light, hyung might accept him, even if just lightly.
“You become honest when you drink, huh.”
As if confirming his expectation, a pleasant voice leaked through his lips that were pressed against Ha-min’s ear. Unlike the voice mixed with laughter, the organ pounding his hole was still violent. As he endured his thrusts, suddenly Ha-min’s eyes stung. Indescribable emotions rushed in, piercing his lungs and stabbing his heart.
“I like you too.”
“Hnng…”
“Haa… I like you, Ha-min.”
He moved more vigorously while letting out a voice thick with lust. Both Ha-min’s body and the large car shook with each pounding thrust. Through his narrowly opened eyes, he could see his legs shaking like a doll’s. As he stared blankly at the sight that looked just like himself, swaying without will, a sudden impulse arose at the sound of the other’s voice letting out suppressed moans along with his own. He wanted to ask back.
Do you really like me?
You… me too…?
Emotions kept jumping amidst the hot pleasure. He felt pathetic for expecting such an impossible wish. Because he liked hyung so much… Because I like hyung so much. He felt sad as childish hopes kept overwhelming him. To overcome the sadness, he hugged him even tighter.
He prayed that this much would be allowed at this time.
**
The wound on his hand healed quickly. He didn’t like how new skin was starting to form over the wound. On the other hand, he wished this wound would heal a bit more slowly. Because the warmth hyung had blown on it still remained there. Even knowing it was an illusory sensation, everything hyung left behind felt precious.
I should have kept the movie tickets… Ha-min made a small regret as he scribbled on his notebook with the pen he had been writing with. There was almost nothing he could keep. The gaze that had been watching him throughout the drinking party, the warmth of the hand held in the movie theater, the kiss and intimacy in the car. All of these would only remain as sensations in his memory.
Although they had only done it twice, it was clearly different from before. His bottom was sore and his waist hurt, but it was on a different level from the pain of the first time. Back then, it really hurt just to put his feet on the ground, his legs were trembling, and he even had a fever.
Moreover, hyung had made him lie face down in the car and carefully removed everything he had released inside him. He wiped away everything that flowed between his legs and briefly kissed his forehead as he struggled. His heart tingled so much that he couldn’t even open his eyes properly.
It’s a childish sentiment, but… it felt like a dream. And he couldn’t help but imagine. Is this what it’s like to date someone? Ha-min let out a self-deprecating laugh and kept scribbling with his pen for no reason.
“What are you thinking about, smiling to yourself like that?”
Suddenly, Tae-in’s voice was heard. When he raised his head, which had been lowered, he saw Tae-in appearing with an Americano in a takeout cup.
“Oh, it’s nothing. What brings you here?”
“What do you mean? I came to see Song Ha-min, why?”
Tae-in smirked at the unexpected question and sat down across from him. Perhaps because it was before lunchtime, the cafe on campus was quiet. He was waiting for his next class.
“How did you know I was here…”
Ha-min muttered with a curious expression at Tae-in’s ghostly appearance.
“Woo-kyung told me?”
He had just parted ways with Woo-kyung. It was surprising that they had contacted each other so quickly.
“How are you already studying when your exams just ended?”
Tae-in chuckled and scolded, looking at the major textbook spread out on the table.
“You should study a bit…”
Ha-min retorted with a genuinely worried face. He was already in his third year, and Ha-min was shocked by his barely passing grades. He nagged every time he saw him, but Tae-in didn’t budge.
“I’m just going to graduate and go my own way.”
“You’re not going to get a job?”
“Nope. Hyung is setting up a studio for me, so I’m going to try doing it seriously. I’m not ambitious about performing on stage, but I want to keep composing.”
“Oh…”
Ha-min stared at Tae-in with widened eyes. He felt strange at his suddenly serious appearance. He looked quite manly with his clear dream.
“On that note, let’s go on a trip.”
“Huh?”
Why did the conversation suddenly turn there? Ha-min tilted his head at the unexpected words. What he heard next was even more surprising.
“To Jeju Island.”
“Jeju Island?”
“Our club is going on an MT.”
“You’re going to Jeju for an MT…?”
This was the first time he had heard of this. As far as he knew, an MT usually involved renting a tour bus and booking a few rooms at a youth hostel in the closest possible location.
“You know I’m the club president, right?”
“I didn’t know…”
“You’re never interested in anything. Anyway, that’s not important. A really nice resort just opened in Jeju.”
“Okay.”
Ha-min nodded with wide, round eyes.
“My hyung has shares in it. It was originally grandfather’s shares, but hyung inherited them, so they’re his now. Apparently, hyung is taking his friends there for the opening celebration. His share must be quite big because invitations came, and it’s all free. So I asked him to lend us some rooms too.”
“Ah…”
“So I’m thinking of taking the kids there as an MT concept, and I want you to come with us.”
“But I’m not even a member of your club…”
“What does that matter? It’s just a pretext so we can get club funds―”
“I have a part-time job too…”
“Don’t worry. Eun-soo said she’d find someone to cover for you.”
“Eun-soo is going too?”
“Would she miss out on something like this? She hangs around our club room so much that she’s friends with everyone.”
Ha-min hesitated for a moment. His face looked bewildered at the suddenly progressing conversation.
“Hey, that resort has a swimming pool, a golf course, and a horse riding area. Let’s try them all, okay? They’ll even do a barbecue for us at night. If we mention hyung’s name, they’ll set out all the imported liquor. Huh? Huh?”
Tae-in pleaded like a child at Ha-min’s hesitant attitude.
“I’m not even close with your club members…”
“Come on, I’ll be there, Chae-rin will be there, Woo-kyung will be there, and Eun-soo too. What’s the problem?”
“If I join, I’ll just be a bother…”
“You’re talking nonsense again. It’s only a bother if someone who wasn’t invited comes, you idiot.”
Tae-in interrupted and scolded before Ha-min could finish speaking.
Don’t you know what a bother means? Are you stupid? You’re good at studying, but you don’t know what being a bother means?
Ha-min waved his hands with a flustered face at the barrage of questions.
“Okay, okay, stop.”
“Okay! It’s decided!”
When Ha-min answered, unable to hide his bewilderment at the rapid-fire words, Tae-in slammed the table as if he had been waiting for this.
“This is overwhelming…”
Ha-min pressed his temples, looking dazed. Even though he was his friend, he was really overwhelming and noisy.
Tae-in, seemingly satisfied, moved closer and put his arm around Ha-min’s shoulders in a friendly manner.
“Hey, this is our first time going on a trip together.”
“It’s my first time traveling at all.”
“What? You didn’t go even in high school?”
“Uh… yeah. I was busy studying.”
Ha-min hurriedly made up an excuse, trying not to show it. Tae-in nodded in agreement.
“I guess so. I couldn’t go either. They wouldn’t let me leave the house until I recovered from surgery.”
“Was it that serious?”
“Yeah. The only times I left were when I went to America with my parents to see hyung a few times. I barely went to school because of hyung. I told mom and dad that if they didn’t want to raise an incompetent who couldn’t do anything, they should send me to school. It’s funny when you think about it, even my parents can’t say a word against hyung.”
Tae-in’s lips curved into a smile as if remembering that time was quite amusing. In Ha-min’s memory, Tae-in’s parents were quite strict. They were always busy and seemed impeccable every time he saw them. If anything, they were very similar to hyung. That perfect feeling from head to toe. As Ha-min was briefly recalling his memories, Tae-in spoke again.
“Anyway, let’s have a blast when we go. You should have fun in your first year, you won’t be able to later, you know?”
“But you’re a third-year…”
“Fuck off.”
Tae-in gritted his teeth and snapped at the pointed remark. Ha-min quietly nodded his head, softly responding, “Alright…”
