#127
When they were drinking with his mother, Tae-rim, who seemed to have taken his mother’s invitation to stay overnight as an opportunity, was reading a letter he had somehow produced again.
“Then are you going home alone, hyung?”
“No… It seems uncomfortable, so I won’t.”
“I’m drunk, I can’t drive.”
He spoke as if throwing a childish tantrum.
“There’s… designated drivers, you know.”
“Do you want to send your drunk hyung home alone?”
Ha- Ha-min burst into laughter. He had no way to win against his insistent hyung. Ha-min sighed shortly as if he had no choice.
“And can’t you… stop reading that?”
Ha-min felt uncomfortable seeing Tae-rim lying down like a child, reading and re-reading the letter. Although he couldn’t hide it now that the letters had been discovered, it was embarrassing to see him reading them over and over.
“Didn’t you write them for me to read?”
“I wrote them… not knowing they’d be read.”
“But I’m the owner, aren’t I?”
He wasn’t wrong. All the letters started with ‘To Tae-rim hyung.’
“They’re all mine, so don’t complain.”
He smiled mischievously and hugged the box containing the letters. Huh, Ha-min, left with nothing more to say again, turned to leave the room. Then Tae-rim asked curiously,
“Where are you going?”
At the urgent voice trying to stop him, Ha-min opened his eyes wide and tilted his head as he answered.
“To get a blanket…?”
“Why a blanket?”
“Hm…? I need to lay it on the floor for me to sleep…”
“Come here.”
He had thought the narrow bed would naturally be for Tae-rim and was going to bring bedding to lay on the floor. But Tae-rim patted the space next to him as if it wasn’t necessary. Ha-min glanced at the door awkwardly. Although his mother had long since passed out in the master bedroom, he felt a pang of conscience.
“The space is too small… Just sleep comfortably, hyung.”
“I want to sleep together.”
Does he become more affectionate when he drinks?
Once again, at the childish tone in his voice, Ha-min’s heart fluttered for no reason.
“But… Mom might come in…”
At Ha-min’s excuse, Tae-rim got up abruptly and locked the door. Click, the sound of it locking somehow sounded a bit obscene, making Ha-min fidget with the back of his neck.
“Now it’s fine, right?”
And standing behind Ha-min who was standing blankly, he whispered intimately in his ear. At the low baritone voice, Ha-min felt a tingling in his lower abdomen. In an instant, tension rushed over him and Ha-min’s shoulders stiffened. Gently embracing those shoulders, he slowly pulled Ha-min to lie down on the bed. After laying Ha-min against the wall, he lay down on the edge of the cramped bed, barely avoiding falling off.
“What if you fall…”
Ha-min looked at him worriedly, afraid he might fall off the bed. Tae-rim smiled and whispered softly,
“Then should I move closer?”
No sooner had he finished speaking than he moved in abruptly. Suddenly finding himself in an embrace, Ha-min’s eyes widened in surprise as Tae-rim’s firm chest touched his face. Moreover, his scent mixed with the smell of alcohol approached intensely, stimulating all five senses.
Even though they had kissed and pressed their bodies together before, why was he trembling like this…? As if he couldn’t easily build up a tolerance, his heart pounded like a drum. Worried that this noisy sound might be heard, Ha-min squirmed in his arms, trying to pull his hips back as much as possible.
“It, it seems too close…”
“Are you nervous?”
“Huh?”
At the sudden question, Ha-min lifted his head slightly to look at him. As he opened his eyes wide like a rabbit, seemingly surprised at having revealed his inner thoughts without filter, Tae-rim, who was looking down at him slightly, gently brushed away the hair tickling Ha-min’s forehead and added,
“I’m nervous too.”
He candidly confessed his feelings.
“……”
“……”
A moment of silence fell. Being a quiet alley, there was not a sound of people outside, and in the narrow room, only their breathing could be heard. Ha-min felt as if only he and his hyung existed in the world. Overwhelmed by this thought, Ha-min, who was breathing heavily, bit his quivering lips hard once. Then, silently, he slowly raised his head and pressed his lips against Tae-rim’s, which had come into view.
Smack.
It was a very brief kiss, lasting only about a second. Ha-min, as if surprised by his own inability to control his impulse, quickly detached his lips and turned his body towards the wall. As he turned his back, this time Tae-rim embraced him more deeply from behind. He could strongly feel Tae-rim’s warmth on his back.
“Ha…”
A mix of laughter and hot breath flowed from his lips simultaneously. He bound Ha-min’s waist with one arm and his chest with the other, burying his face in Ha-min’s nape.
“You really seem like a pro.”
His voice, tinged with laughter, sounded pleasant. As Ha-min flinched from the ticklish laughter, Tae-rim embraced him more strongly as if not allowing even an inch of movement. There was not a single gap between their touching bodies.
“…I can’t breathe.”
As Ha-min quietly mumbled due to how strongly he was being embraced, Tae-rim let out a soft laugh. Whether it was due to the effects of alcohol or because he was in a particularly good mood today, he was showing his smile more often than usual.
“Bear with it a little.”
He whispered, pressing his lips against Ha-min’s earlobe, and suddenly spoke up.
“…Why did you write so many letters?”
As the embarrassing topic came up again, Ha-min hesitated for a moment. It wasn’t a subject he particularly wanted to discuss, but now that it had been discovered, there was nothing to be ashamed of anymore.
“Just… At first, I really wrote them thinking I’d send them to you…”
“……”
“Later, I wrote them like I was writing a diary.”
“……”
“While writing, imagining how you might be living… what kind of person you might have become… I enjoyed that.”
Ha-min’s voice gradually became quieter as he spoke, seemingly shy.
“And?”
He added a question as if there was something more he wanted to ask. …And? Ha-min thought for a moment and then continued, still in Tae-rim’s embrace.
“…And when I was writing the letters, somehow… it was comforting.”
“……”
“When times were tough… while writing letters, I could forget a little, about reality.”
“……”
“Even though it was just escapism in the end…”
“……”
“Still, it was good… Being able to forget the hardships even a little, it meant a lot to me back then…”
As Ha-min spoke calmly despite his hesitation, Tae-rim, who had been listening quietly, kissed Ha-min’s shoulder. He kissed repeatedly, moving up to the nape of his neck, over his clothes. As if comforting him, like grooming.
“I shouldn’t have gone to America or anywhere.”
And he breathed out words mixed with regret, like a sigh.
“I regret it.”
Although Ha-min couldn’t see his expression, he could feel Tae-rim’s emotions just from his voice. He really was regretting it. But this wasn’t something for him to regret. Ha-min wanted to tell him not to say such things, but instead of words, he turned his body again.
In the dark room with all the lights off, Tae-rim’s face wasn’t clearly visible, but his dark eyes shone clearly in the night light coming through the small window. Ha-min felt the urge to kiss those eyes. It was amazing how his feelings were growing deeper day by day, wondering if there were even deeper emotions to be felt.
“…A-actually, I still can’t believe it.”
“……”
“Being like this, with you…”
“……”
“Because even while writing letters for years… I never even imagined this.”
Ha-min looked straight into his eyes.
“Because you made something happen that I couldn’t even imagine…”
“……”
“…Don’t think like that.”
At each of Ha-min’s comforting words, Tae-rim seemed to feel a strong impulse. He hugged Ha-min tightly to his chest, firmly kissed the top of his head, and let out a deflated sigh.
Like that, he held Ha-min deep in his arms, kissing various parts of his hair while letting out deep sighs of regret.
“Should we just go home now…?”
He whispered as if he was going crazy, rubbing his whole body against Ha-min. Ha-min chuckled softly at his words.
“…This is driving me crazy.”
At his impatient voice without a hint of playfulness, Ha-min just let out a faint laugh. He was amazed at himself for laughing. Just a short while ago, he had been so tense, finding such closeness and affection difficult.
Like that, Ha-min was personally feeling that the anxiety and unease that had always filled him were gradually disappearing. Although he knew that all the negative knots inside him couldn’t completely vanish, Ha-min was feeling at ease just by peeling them away one by one like this.
Ha-min, who smiled without any haze, voluntarily nestled into his arms. At last, the heart he had gained was slowly becoming more solid.
**
After that, he carefully folded a few of the letters and carried them in his wallet like a charm. It seemed really difficult for him to choose which letters to keep out of hundreds, as he agonized over it for days. Ha-min secretly smiled at his serious demeanor. He even thought that if he had known he would like them this much, he should have shown them earlier. In these small moments, Ha-min began to realize bit by bit.
Ah, hyung really does like me.
Sometimes when he opened his eyes, he wondered if it was a dream. There were times when his hyung’s face that he saw upon waking, the space they were living in together, felt too unfamiliar. But each time, as soon as Ha-min woke up, his hyung would look at him and gently kiss him, whispering sweet words that anyone would fall for.
Moreover, while at home, he didn’t think about being apart. When Ha-min sat down to do assignments, he would sit next to him saying he also had work to do, and when Ha-min was cooking, he would stick close under the pretext of helping, often interfering. However, the peaceful daily life began to feel a bit rigid when the exam period finally approached.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
