#122
“Or are you acting like an idiot, not knowing anything about how you’ve been living?”
“Don’t say it like that…!”
“Why? It’s true. Even now, I’m forcibly holding onto you when you actually dislike it.”
“Do you think I’m staying by your side against my will?”
“If I don’t make up some pathetic reason, there’s no way you’d stay with me.”
“…”
“You’ll obviously run away again. You’ll leave again, even if you have to lie about not liking me anymore or having found someone else.”
He ran his hand over his face, full of anguish. Ha-min’s lips trembled, his face even more confused at Tae-rim’s exposed sincerity that stripped away everything hidden. Tae-rim placed his hands on his waist and tilted his head up and down, letting out a long breath to calm his excited emotions. He chewed his teeth with an uncharacteristically anxious face, seemingly lost in thought.
“No… maybe it’s not a lie. You must be sick of me now. With what I’ve done to you, I have nothing to say even if you say you hate me.”
He ran his hand through his hair, letting his words trail off in a resigned voice.
“But it can’t be. Call me selfish, call me crazy, I have nothing to say. Whatever reason I have to give, even if it’s nonsense, I’ll keep you by my side.”
“…”
“You still can’t believe it? You can’t believe me even when I say such crazy things?”
“…”
“If you can’t believe it, I said I’d wait. I am waiting. But why, why are you suddenly doing this again? I asked you not to avoid me. I said I’d just wait because it was all my fault, so why are you trying to run away again?”
His voice was hoarse. He was gripping Ha-min’s wrist so tightly it might break, with a face burning with impatience and anxiety. Ha-min was breathing heavily, his lips moving as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t quite get it out. After biting his dry lips a couple of times and hesitating for a while, Ha-min slowly opened his mouth.
“I also…”
As he difficultly began to speak, Tae-rim gripped Ha-min’s wrist even more tightly. It was a gesture of tension.
“I also… slept with you for an absurd excuse.”
Ha-min, for the first time, didn’t hide his painfully contorted face and began to peel away the layers of emotions he had been suppressing.
“Actually, I didn’t even have any friends… I approached you with ridiculous lies about having done it with friends.”
Ha-min slowly uttered each word in a calmer voice than before.
“Even going so far as to tell such outrageous lies…”
“…”
“Because I was that desperate and liked you so much. But for you… everything was easy.”
“…”
“Sleeping with me, dating someone… But I’m not like that… Every little thing is difficult and scary for me.”
“…”
“What if I get tired of you…? What if you come to like someone else later…? What if you leave for somewhere again…?”
Ha-min poured out words that might sound petty. The anxiety based on affection was always eating away at him. His confused eyes couldn’t focus on one spot and moved restlessly. Although he had managed to express his honest feelings, it was difficult to fully express his even more complex emotions. Ha-min continued speaking intermittently.
“If your feelings are just simple pity.”
“…”
“If your feelings are just momentary sympathy… or curiosity.”
“…”
“If we were to break up later, if you leave without any lingering attachment… You… You might be fine… but I won’t be able to handle it.”
“…”
“I… I might do something crazy again.”
Ha-min let out a hollow laugh with a face that was neither smiling nor sobbing.
“That’s why I did it. It’s not that I don’t want to believe, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it. I’m scared… Scared of myself who likes you too much. So…”
Ha-min covered his miserable face and stuttered out the words he had been holding back. It was a weak complaint, a pathetic feeling. But it was more honest than ever. It was always a lump in his throat, an inherent anxiety, the remnants of a long-standing unrequited love.
Tae-rim’s face twisted painfully at the agonizing confession. It was the most desperate confession of his life. Although it was a burning and passionate confession, Tae-rim felt pain as if one side of his chest was being squeezed. For the first time, Tae-rim regretted his past. He felt pathetic about his past of just fooling around and wasting time. The actions of casually mentioning sex and such to Ha-min now seemed stupid. They were such light actions compared to this heavy heart.
“What should I do?”
Tae-rim lowered his hand from Ha-min’s wrist and held his hand instead. Like someone anxious that Ha-min might go somewhere, he gripped Ha-min’s hand and continued speaking.
“I’m struggling too. I feel like I’m going crazy. Nothing goes my way. Just when I think we’ve gotten closer, you distance yourself, draw a line, act like you like me but then say you don’t. Even when I pretend not to care, I feel like I’m going crazy with anxiety. If you end up pushing me away, if you say it’s all over.”
“…”
“I’m the one who might do something crazy.”
Although his eyes with a strange glint and his low voice were intimidating, they felt more sincere than ever, which made Ha-min even more distressed. Then why… why was he trying to leave again without saying anything? Ha-min couldn’t contain his confused emotions and blurted out.
“Then why…”
Ha-min’s voice came out choked up without him realizing it.
“Then why are you leaving?”
“What?”
Tae-rim’s brows furrowed at the sound tinged with resentment. Ha-min looked up at him with a wronged expression and continued speaking. His eyes, wavering with resentment, were filled with moisture.
“You said you’re leaving… You said you’re going back. Next month… you said you’re leaving next month.”
“Don’t tell me… you’re talking about me going to America next month?”
Ha-min’s lips trembled as he spilled out everything that had been swirling in his mind, not even knowing what he was saying.
“Ha.”
Tae-rim let out a breath that was more than just dejected, it was empty, as he wiped his mouth. After being dumbfounded, he suddenly burst into laughter.
Ha-min instantly became dumbstruck at his unexpected reaction. Caught off guard by this unforeseen response, he opened his mouth again in confusion.
“You said earlier that you were leaving.”
“…”
“You said the same thing inside too. That you won’t be here anymore…”
“That was just an excuse.”
“…”
“Should I have given them my number there?”
“That’s not what I meant…”
Tae-rim finally relaxed his worried expression.
“You really…”
He kept letting out a deeply sunken laugh as he ran his hand over his face once again. Bewildered by his unexpected reaction, Ha-min stared at him blankly with a dazed expression. Tae-rim gently caressed Ha-min’s face, which looked foolishly stunned, and softly opened his mouth.
“I…”
“…”
“Where would I go, Ha-min?”
He uttered words that were like a long sigh of relief. Then, holding both of Ha-min’s hands, he dropped his face onto Ha-min’s confused shoulder.
“Ha…”
He let out another low sigh, trying to calm his boiling emotions.
“I’m the one who’s holding onto you, where would I go?”
“…”
“Where would I go, leaving you behind?”
Still seeming unable to process it, Ha-min momentarily pulled away from him and stared at him with trembling eyes.
“Then what you said earlier about leaving… Tae-in also said you were leaving…”
“Going next month is just a short trip because I have a lot to sort out where I used to live.”
“…”
“I’ll be here from now on.”
At those words, Ha-min’s face immediately turned bright red as if he had been burned. Realizing it was entirely his misunderstanding, he wanted to hide in a mouse hole. Remembering the raw emotions he had spilled out of a sense of betrayal made him doubly embarrassed and shy, and he covered his eyes and let out a deep sigh.
What have I just done? Ha-min tried to cool down the heat rising to his face by touching his covered eyes and forehead. The embarrassment was short-lived as Tae-rim stepped closer and spoke again.
“I told you I wasn’t leaving.”
“…”
“I was planning to talk to you properly after your exams were over, but I had already decided not to go. I’m going to settle down in Korea again, and even if I go, I’ll take you with me somehow.”
Tae-rim finally took a deep breath as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He wrapped his hand around Ha-min’s slightly trembling hand and quickly pulled him into an embrace, holding the back of Ha-min’s neck. He bent down to bury his face in Ha-min’s neck, hugging Ha-min’s waist so tightly it might crush him. He let out a long sigh of relief a couple of times, intentionally pressing his moist lips against Ha-min’s skin.
“I thought you hated me again.”
“…”
“This time… I really thought you were abandoning me.”
Tae-rim whispered in Ha-min’s ear, hugging his waist even tighter as if anxious. It was an unfamiliar feeling again. An extreme anxiety that Ha-min had never felt from him was palpably transmitted.
He felt the same way too. The fact that they both had been carrying the same anxiety made him feel somewhat deflated and at the same time, made him want to laugh.
Ha-min, who had been awkwardly embraced with Tae-rim forcibly holding onto his neck, finally properly hugged Tae-rim’s neck. Very slowly applying force, this time Ha-min also deeply nestled into Tae-rim’s arms. For the first time, he held onto him tightly without any worries or anxieties.
“Me too…”
Ha-min opened his mouth with difficulty and naively conveyed his true feelings.
“I thought you were leaving again…”
At the affectionate voice, Tae-rim, as if unable to tolerate even a small space between them, squeezed Ha-min even tighter and pressed his lips against the line of Ha-min’s jaw. With a light touch, he moved his lips again to nuzzle Ha-min’s cheek, then the corner of Ha-min’s mouth, and finally Ha-min’s plump lips that had become swollen from being bitten so much.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
