#121
Ha-min froze at the sound of the younger juniors’ disappointment. It was true… Really… Ha. How… How could this happen? Why again without a word…
Ha-min let out a frustrated sigh and then bit his lower lip hard. Biting until the color drained from it, Ha-min approached Tae-rim quickly with an angry face. Tae-rim, who had been casually chatting with the juniors, spotted Ha-min and immediately wiped away his polite smile, his eyes curving prettily.
“You came? Hyung was going to get juice…”
“…Hyung.”
Ha-min stared at Tae-rim with a somewhat solemn face. Sensing the more subdued atmosphere than before, Tae-rim furrowed his brow in confusion.
“Yes?”
“Let’s talk… Let’s talk.”
Noticing Ha-min’s confused appearance and sensing something was off, Tae-rim leaned in worriedly to examine Ha-min’s expression.
“What’s wrong, Ha-min?”
“…”
At the gentle question, Ha-min bit his lower lip with all his might and stared at Tae-rim as if glaring. His large eyes were brimming with indignation.
Reading Ha-min’s gaze, Tae-rim realized they couldn’t talk here and grabbed Ha-min’s wrist.
“We’re going to get some fresh air and come back.”
Tae-rim politely greeted the juniors standing behind them and hurriedly pulled Ha-min out of the building. Ha-min followed silently with his head bowed low. As he was being led out, he observed Tae-rim’s side profile as he urgently took him outside the building. Tae-rim’s face was full of concern, seemingly worried about Ha-min’s sudden behavior. Seeing how his face changed so much just from Ha-min’s attitude made Ha-min’s heart even more confused.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
Tae-rim took Ha-min to a secluded spot and worriedly stroked his face. Ha-min couldn’t easily open his mouth and just kept biting his lips. He had bitten them so hard that blood was pooling.
“Hm? Ha-min, what’s wrong?”
Tae-rim first examined Ha-min’s condition. The subdued atmosphere, the bloodied lips, and the gaze that seemed almost angry at a glance. Tae-rim, seeing this unfamiliar side of Ha-min, kept pressing for an answer with a worried face.
Ha-min’s silent, tightly closed mouth showed an expression of anger and deep resentment. Tae-rim sat Ha-min down on a bench and crouched right in front of him to meet his eye level, holding both of Ha-min’s hands. The night breeze passed between them, and as Tae-rim was looking at Ha-min worriedly for a while, Ha-min’s tightly closed mouth slowly opened.
“When are you going…?”
Tae-rim’s brow furrowed slightly at the sudden question.
“Where…?”
“When did you decide to go to America?”
“Ah… You heard? I was going to tell you first.”
Now that it was truly confirmed, Ha-min was greatly shocked and immediately lost his words.
“Next month.”
Thump, his heart sank. Hearing the confirmation with his own ears right in front of him made it even more vivid, making him dizzy. He couldn’t understand. He knew he would eventually go back, but he didn’t know it would be so soon, so quickly.
Then why did you do it? Why did you say you liked me? Why were you jealous? Why did you shake me up again…
“First, I’ll go and…”
Slap!
Ha-min unknowingly slapped away the hands trying to grab his arms. It was the first time he felt betrayed, and for the first time, he really hated him. Whether it was because of the alcohol or the shock, his mind was in turmoil like crashing waves. So even though he was right in front of him, looking at him with surprised eyes, Ha-min couldn’t recognize it.
“How…”
“Yes?”
“You clearly told me…”
Ha-min’s lips trembled as he stumbled over his words. Not knowing what he was saying, he mumbled and started to stagger a bit. Just as Tae-rim was about to grab him in surprise, Ha-min pushed his hand away as if having a seizure. Tae-rim looked at Ha-min with incomprehension, his face looking as if he’d been slapped again, but Ha-min stepped back, pressing his hand to his forehead as a headache came on.
“I just…”
“…”
“I’ll go first.”
Ha-min just wanted to leave this place quickly and rest. He wanted to collapse somewhere without him and cry his eyes out. Had there ever been a time when he wanted to cry this badly? He felt even more miserable than when he had said he was going to America without a word, just like before. If you were going to do this, why did you do that to me? Why to me…
A person who has fallen once falls easily a second time, and that was what he feared most. If he were to fall because of hyung, he probably wouldn’t be able to get up again on his own… That’s why he pushed him away several times and couldn’t easily accept the fact that he liked him.
“Ha-min… Wait, just a moment. Where are you saying you’re going now?”
Tae-rim’s face was troubled, beyond bewildered by Ha-min’s incomprehensible attitude. Seeing not only his hands being pushed away, but also Ha-min’s staggering steps as he suddenly said he was leaving, Tae-rim sensed something was seriously wrong.
“Wait, Ha-min. Talk to hyung for a bit.”
Tae-rim urgently tried to grab Ha-min, but Ha-min pushed him away every time he was caught, whether by the wrist or arm. With no response and the sudden hostility towards Tae-rim, he raised his voice in frustration.
“You said you had something to say.”
“…I want to go.”
“Talk and then go. You’re the one who said you wanted to talk.”
“It’s gone. I have… nothing to say anymore.”
“Ha-min… please.”
Tae-rim felt frustration welling up at the incomprehensible situation, his neck veins bulging.
“I can’t let you go like this.”
“…”
“Talk properly before you go.”
At the stiff voice that could no longer hold back, Ha-min stopped in his tracks.
“I can’t let you go like this now.”
Suddenly feeling anxious at the sight of Ha-min turning away as if they’d never see each other again, Tae-rim held onto Ha-min more persistently than usual.
“Are you angry?”
“…No.”
“Don’t lie.”
“…Please move.”
“You are angry, now. Tell me. Why you’re angry. What I’ve done again.”
“…I don’t want to.”
Rarely, Ha-min also refused firmly. At this, Tae-rim’s veins bulged even more as his voice rose.
“I don’t like sending you off like this either.”
Ha-min bit his lower lip hard enough to draw blood. Countless words swirled in his mouth, ready to burst out aimlessly, but actually saying them was not easy. It was the hardest thing to do.
Was it even something he should be angry about in the first place? After all, America was where he originally lived, and all his life would be there, so could he be angry about that?
“No. It’s not, so just…!”
Ha-min felt like he was going crazy at this moment of collision between reason and emotion. The hyung who said he liked him and the hyung who was kind and seemed to give his all. Yet someone who might leave again at any time. Someone who doesn’t actually live here. His own desire to not act selfishly despite being angry. Tae-rim in front of him was looking at him like he was about to explode, but in reality, it was himself who felt like he was about to burst from complexity.
“I’m not thinking of letting you go like this again.”
“…I need time to think too. Let me go, please.”
Ha-min looked at Tae-rim pleadingly, frowning. Seeing his emotional state, Tae-rim couldn’t just let him go. Tae-rim was equally frustrated. He had thought everything was peaceful until just a moment ago. He was still waiting for Ha-min’s answer, but he thought it would be okay like this… Suddenly seeing Ha-min trying to avoid and run away from him again, Tae-rim’s reason was also shaking.
“I don’t like letting you go like this either. Tell me. No, speak. Don’t go running away like this again!”
Finally, as Tae-rim’s suppressed anger burst out, Ha-min also couldn’t hide his frustration and managed to speak in a trembling voice.
“Why are you…”
Ha-min barely swallowed the breath that momentarily caught in his throat and continued.
“Why are you getting angry…?”
Ha-min’s face contorted more than ever.
“Because I feel like I’m going crazy when you’re like this. Because it feels like you’re always trying to run away from me, it’s driving me insane.”
“…”
“If you’re angry, be angry. Please stop thinking about distancing yourself…!”
“You’re the one…!”
At the shouting, Ha-min finally opened his mouth and glared at Tae-rim. Two gazes, one full of resentment and the other brimming with heat, clashed.
“Are you serious about liking me…?”
Ha-min asked with difficulty, suppressing his agitated emotions. Ha-min painfully spat out this one question, enduring all sorts of miserable and suffocating emotions.
Unlike Ha-min, who had spoken with difficulty, Tae-rim let out a frustrated sigh. He asked back, rubbing his forehead as if dumbfounded.
“You still can’t believe it?”
His voice was deflated.
“What should I do? Should I get on my knees? Or should I pretend to die right here? Will you believe me then?”
Every word he uttered, having thrown away his usual composure, seemed like his bare face. The thought occurred to Ha-min that this person casually saying mean and bad things was actually hyung’s true self. As soon as this thought crossed his mind, Ha-min felt somewhat relieved. He, too, was the same. He revealed his anxious and frightened bare face.
“I never wanted that!”
“Then what do I need to do for you to believe?”
“I tried to believe.”
“Then what’s the problem, is it because of what I’ve done to you until now?”
His eyes flickered coldly, and his face was painfully contorted with agitated emotions.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
