#118
“Is that so? You’ve been looking good lately.”
Does it show? Ha-min unconsciously touched his face.
“Besides, Lee Tae-rim sunbae has been giving you rides to school often.”
“You saw?”
“That sunbae’s car is expensive, so it really stands out.”
“Ah…”
“I mean, why is a Business School senior showing up at our department so often?”
The reason is obvious. Chae-rin glanced at Ha-min with a smirk. Ha-min laughed awkwardly, his ears turning red from embarrassment. Feeling like some secret part of him had been exposed, he fidgeted with the back of his neck. Chae-rin, walking beside him, continued casually.
“You’re amazing too, oppa.”
“Huh?”
“You didn’t give up in the end.”
Ha-min looked at her quizzically, noticing the subtly self-deprecating tone in her voice.
“I wonder if I shouldn’t give up either.”
Ha-min let out a small sigh at her somewhat self-deprecating tone. Understanding what Chae-rin meant, Ha-min hesitated to answer. Knowing it wasn’t his place to give careless advice, he thought carefully before speaking slowly.
“Giving up isn’t something you can just decide to do.”
“…”
“The heart is fickle. In the end, things tend to flow the way you want them to.”
Ha-min’s voice was calm as it flowed out softly like water. It was a statement born purely from experience. He had talked about giving up for his own sake or for others, but in the end, everything flowed according to his emotions. People were ultimately selfish.
“What if you lose something by being selfish?”
“Even if you try to hold back… can you really hold back?”
Ha-min answered thoughtfully. Looking back, he realized he had never really held back. He had always been the one to reach out first in relationships. In the end, he had acted according to his heart. He had been swept away by his feelings of love, regardless of reason.
“So what did you do, oppa?”
“Huh?”
“How did you start dating that sunbae?”
“W-what? We’re not d-dating.”
“Then you’re in the talking stage?”
Is that what it is? Ha-min scratched his forehead with a puzzled expression.
“It’s more like… we’re just getting to know each other…”
Even though we’ve already slept together…
“Come on. What’s there left to know?”
“Anyway… we’re not dating yet.”
Ha-min mumbled quietly with an embarrassed face.
“Still, I’m envious.”
“Huh?”
“At least things are going well with the person you like.”
Ha-min didn’t specifically agree or disagree with Chae-rin’s casual remark. Hearing it put this way made him realize anew that he needed to define his relationship with hyung. Though the atmosphere between them was better than usual, and they were improving their relationship without lies or secrets, he and hyung were still in an ambiguous state. Hyung had said he liked him, but Ha-min still couldn’t easily accept those words, thinking it might just be feelings swept up in sympathy and pity. While his mind thought this way, the truth was he enjoyed it. The time spent with hyung… being together.
Shallow Song Ha-min. He was truly shallow beyond compare.
**
Thanks to his conversation with Chae-rin, Ha-min found it hard to concentrate during class. Talking stage? Was this ticklish word the right term to describe his relationship with hyung? The undefinable state left him a bit confused. Was it just up to him to make up his mind? Hyung had already expressed his feelings and held onto him, but it felt like emotions swept up in a heated moment.
Even if they did start dating, could it really end with such a casual term as “dating”? Hyung had probably dated women before, and might meet someone else in the future. That’s the kind of person hyung generally was. Someone who found it easy to meet people and break up. Could he handle these things that might be hyung’s nature? He was the complete opposite. Meeting someone, breaking up, giving his heart – none of these things were easy for him. He was almost frustratingly reserved.
If his relationship with hyung progressed, then what? As the class ended and the lecture hall became noisy, Ha-min realized that a part of his notebook was full of question marks. He had unknowingly doodled all over his textbook.
After these classes where he couldn’t concentrate at all, he headed to the area near Tae-in’s studio. The reason was that there was an amazing restaurant nearby. Feeling like he owed Tae-in in many ways, Ha-min had insisted on treating him to dinner tonight. Tae-in said he was fine with it and ordered not just the main dish but several side dishes as well, eating heartily.
It had been a while since he’d had a lunch that wasn’t from the school cafeteria, so he ate quite well. Afterwards, they headed to the studio with a cup of coffee each. It was comfortable to talk there since it was entirely Tae-in’s space, and when Tae-in said he needed some advice on video editing, Ha-min readily agreed.
Also, the soundproof studio was perfect for talking about his current situation, rather than out in the open. Ever since Ha-min had told him about moving back into hyung’s house, Tae-in had made no effort to hide his curiosity about Ha-min and hyung’s relationship.
“I’ve decided to film my birthday party as content to upload.”
Tae-in said as he entered the studio, putting down his hip pack. These days, Tae-in’s biggest interests were Ha-min’s love life and content to upload as videos.
“Ah right, your birthday is coming up.”
“So, I was wondering if you could appear in the video instead of giving me a gift?”
“Huh?”
“I’m just going to upload us naturally drinking and chatting, vlog-style. I’ll give a little preview of my original song too. All my friends will be appearing, so can’t you join in too?”
Caught off guard by the sudden proposal, Ha-min hadn’t thought about it before and couldn’t answer right away.
“But I’m not good at talking…”
Ha-min said with a face that seemed to ask why him, of all people. Tae-in let out a laugh.
“You don’t have to talk. Just breathing is enough.”
“Then there’s no need for me to be there, right…?”
“No. You’re absolutely necessary.”
Tae-in’s eyes widened as he grabbed Ha-min’s hand.
“You’ll do it, right?”
“Well… Wouldn’t I be a nuisance if I appear…?”
“There you go being humble again. Good-looking people have a huge impact even if they appear for just a moment.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Anyway. Just appear once. I have it all planned out.”
“…I really don’t have to say anything?”
“That’s what I’m saying. Just trust hyung. I’ll even pay you.”
“What payment? No need.”
“Oh? Really? Don’t change your mind later.”
Ha-min nodded with a soft smile. Seeing him readily agree, Tae-in smiled with satisfaction and leaned back in the rocking chair, changing the subject as if he had said all he needed to say.
“So.”
“Yeah?”
“How are things with you lately?”
Tae-in asked, gulping down about a third of his Americano at once. Ha-min could immediately tell that the subject of the question was about him and hyung, so he fidgeted with the tip of his nose.
“You’ve made up with hyung, right?”
Seeing Ha-min struggle to start talking, Tae-in opened with a leading question. Ha-min scratched his cheek with an awkward expression, seeming embarrassed.
“I heard he comes to pick you up at school every day.”
“How do you know?”
“Why wouldn’t I know? Our hyung stands out wherever he goes, so it all reaches my ears.”
“Ah…”
“Besides, I have a spy among your friends.”
Ha-min looked at him with wide, innocent eyes, and Tae-in laughed playfully.
“I won’t tell you who. It’s a secret, of course, since they’re a spy.”
“Come on.”
Ha-min let out a hollow laugh as if to say it wasn’t funny.
“Anyway, there’s a group hoping you two work out. I’m the president, and the spy is my first member.”
“Are you saying there’s someone else besides you who knows about me and hyung?”
“Well… They’re very perceptive. I didn’t say anything, okay?”
There was Chae-rin who seemed to have guessed, but someone else too? Seeing Ha-min’s expression harden for a moment, Tae-in made a sound and lightly hit him.
“Hey, don’t worry. It won’t spread as a rumor. Even if it does, people won’t believe it. How many women has hyung dated? Who would believe…”
“…”
“…Forget what I just said.”
Tae-in suddenly covered his mouth with his hand and glanced at Ha-min’s reaction. Ha-min let out a deflated laugh and continued speaking.
“Things are going well with hyung… I think.”
“What do you mean, ‘I think’?”
Things were going well. It was peaceful, and they were spending more stable time together than ever before. Without demanding or rushing anything from him, they were talking and getting to know each other bit by bit. Ha-min knew that hyung’s actions were meant to gain his trust, and that’s why it was more ambiguous.
They were living together, acting together, spending good times together, but that was it. Hyung didn’t receive or ask for anything more than that. This situation was new and awkward for Ha-min, and he didn’t know how to proceed beyond this point. An ambiguous relationship. They weren’t physically intimate like before, but it felt like they had become even more ambiguous than before. Once again, his conversation with Chae-rin came to mind. Talking stage? Relationship progress? And then?
“Aren’t you dating?”
Ha-min scratched his cheek again with a troubled expression.
“You’re still not dating?”
“Well… Not yet. We’re getting along well, but…”
Tae-in opened his mouth as if impressed, then let out a frustrated sigh.
“There’s still been no progress?”
Ha-min couldn’t give a definite answer. They hadn’t officially agreed that they were dating, but they weren’t being physically intimate like before either, so it was hard to define their relationship.
“What does hyung think about it?”
“…”
“Shouldn’t you two talk it out before he goes to America?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
