#115
Unlike Ha-min, who was somewhat stiff, he remained expressionless as he directly fastened the seatbelt for him. He quickly returned to his seat, and the car started while Ha-min was still caught up in the aftermath. Ha-min silently swallowed and deliberately turned his gaze to the window, pretending nothing had happened. This is driving me crazy… His heartbeat quickened at the sudden stimulation. Worried that the sound might be audible, he moved his body as far away from the driver’s seat as possible.
“What’s with all the affection?”
Ha-min blinked his clear eyes at the sudden question from the silent driver. The question was so unexpected that Ha-min couldn’t even ask what he meant.
“Earlier, I mean.”
With this additional explanation, Ha-min finally realized he was talking about Hee-gyeom. It seemed he had indeed been watching everything. And knowing that he became sensitive whenever Hee-gyeom was mentioned, Ha-min started to feel uneasy.
“It’s not like that.”
Ha-min replied as if he didn’t know what he was talking about.
“You couldn’t take your eyes off him.”
“That’s just…”
For a moment, Ha-min was at a loss for words, unable to explain.
“…There’s been some stuff going on.”
“What kind of stuff.”
“…”
“Does he like you?”
Ha-min couldn’t hide his agitation and turned to look at him with a surprised face. As if asking how he knew, Ha-min’s bewildered gaze was met with Tae-rim’s cold smile, pulling up one corner of his mouth.
“Did he confess to you or something?”
“Ah, no, that’s not…”
“It’s written all over your face.”
Seeing this cold attitude after so long, Ha-min instinctively started to watch his reactions.
“It’s not like that…”
“Are you sure it’s not?”
“…”
“I know that bastard was hugging you in front of Lee Tae-in’s studio too.”
Ha-min felt a sense of déjà vu at the increasingly harsh tone. Whenever he was with Hee-gyeom, Tae-rim always became sharp and interrogated him. The same thing had been repeating over and over.
“That time… Hee-gyeom was drunk.”
“Even if he’s drunk, you shouldn’t let him touch you.”
“He didn’t mean any harm. Hee-gyeom is a good kid, hyung.”
Ha-min calmly retorted, trying to persuade him. As Ha-min defended Hee-gyeom, saying it was no big deal, a chilling laugh escaped from between Tae-rim’s lips.
“Have you been giving him chances like this all along?”
Just then, the traffic light turned red, and raindrops fell like hailstones beyond the car window.
The words that stabbed like a dagger remained the same. The habit of interrogating him, treating him as if he were having an affair – it was all the same as before. Ha-min furrowed his brow with slightly saddened eyes.
“Don’t… don’t say it like that.”
Even though he knew full well who Ha-min had liked all this time. Ha-min suddenly felt a wave of sadness. He had even been mean to Hee-gyeom because he was so preoccupied with thoughts of his hyung. He had drawn a line and prevented anything from starting, pretending not to know, but now his hyung was talking as if all of this was Ha-min’s fault.
“I don’t understand why you always get angry whenever Hee-gyeom is mentioned…”
Ha-min said quietly, in a somewhat tired tone. At that moment, Tae-rim sharply turned the steering wheel and suddenly pulled over to the side of the road.
Startled by the sudden stop, Ha-min’s body lurched forward, his face bewildered. As he tried to grasp what had just happened, a low voice resonated in the isolated car.
“You really don’t know?”
A bitter laugh could be heard. Ha-min slowly turned to look at him.
“It’s been since Jeju. That bastard has been hovering around you.”
“…”
“Do you know how you two were always together whenever I looked away? Moreover, when I was looking for you all night, you were with him, and you even hid it.”
“…”
“What pisses me off the most is…”
The muscles in his jaw tightened, veins popping. And his eyes, filled with pain rather than anger, stared directly at Ha-min.
“That bastard knew something about you that even I didn’t know.”
“…”
“Do you really not know why I’m like this?”
Ha-min was momentarily stunned by the barrage of words. The unexpected conversation was even shocking. He never thought Tae-rim would think this far, and he couldn’t find his voice to make any excuses, even though he felt he should.
“…”
Tae-rim, perhaps regretting his momentary outburst of emotion, briefly caught his breath and ran his hand through his hair.
Then, as if trying to suppress his emotions, he rubbed his forehead and between his eyebrows. As his painful words, like a sigh, ended, a terrifying silence fell. Only the harsh sound of rain hitting the window could be heard.
“…”
“…”
The silence remained unbroken. Tae-rim seemed about to say something, his mouth moving slightly, but he closed it firmly and turned the steering wheel again, entering the lane and stepping on the accelerator. Even the sound of the moving car was so quiet that Ha-min felt his airways constricting.
**
They arrived home without exchanging any more words. Both Ha-min and Tae-rim seemed uncomfortable with the silence, acting awkwardly even as they entered the house. Ha-min went in first, and Tae-rim followed, putting his umbrella in the stand. Ha-min didn’t immediately walk down the hallway, instead putting on his slippers and waiting for Tae-rim. Once Tae-rim also put on his slippers and crossed the hallway, Ha-min finally started walking.
They both stopped simultaneously in the center of the living room, where their rooms branched off in opposite directions.
“Um…”
They both started to speak at the same time, but Ha-min was a beat faster.
“Have you… eaten dinner?”
It was a late question to ask at this hour, but he thought it appropriate to break the awkwardness. Tae-rim gazed at Ha-min intently before nodding.
“Yeah, you?”
He answered docilely and immediately asked back.
“I’ve eaten too.”
When working at the convenience store, his main meals were the nearly expired lunchboxes.
As the perfunctory conversation ended briefly, it became quiet again. But Ha-min, unable to just ignore it and go to his room, was about to speak up again when…
“About earlier…”
This time, Tae-rim was faster. Ha-min’s attempt to speak was abruptly halted.
“…I’m sorry for raising my voice.”
“…”
“I know I don’t have the right to say such things to you right now.”
His voice, much lower now, was uncharacteristically self-deprecating.
“But… I can’t seem to control it.”
He sighed bitterly, rubbing his face and averting his gaze.
“…”
“You must be tired after working hard today. Go in and rest.”
He seemed to want to escape this situation quickly, having said what he needed to say. As he turned away, avoiding Ha-min’s gaze, Ha-min clenched his fists near his thighs.
“In Jeju… my watch strap broke.”
Ha-min began, addressing Tae-rim’s back as he was turning away.
“I was running away in panic when I suddenly ran into you.”
“…”
“I was frozen in shock, and that’s when Hee-gyeom happened to help. That’s how he found out by chance.”
He slowly turned back to face Ha-min.
“It’s not because Hee-gyeom is special or closer to me that he knew first.”
“…”
“I didn’t know you thought that way. …I didn’t even know you cared.”
Ha-min spoke each syllable clearly and deliberately. He felt he needed to explain properly and had been thinking about how to bring it up the entire way home from the car.
“But Hee-gyeom isn’t a bad person.”
“…”
“That’s really true. Rather…”
Rather, it was Ha-min who had hurt him. But feeling it wasn’t something he should bring up, Ha-min let his words trail off.
“I hope you won’t misunderstand anymore.”
“…”
“I hope you won’t get angry.”
“…”
“…Don’t be angry, hyung.”
His sharpness every time was now almost pitiful. Ha-min pleaded with him, his eyebrows drooping.
“…”
Tae-rim, who had been listening silently, slowly approached him. He reached out his hand, but hesitated in mid-air and suddenly spoke.
“…Can I touch you?”
Huh? Ha-min looked up at him with a dumbfounded expression.
“…I want to hug you right now.”
“…”
“Is that okay?”
It seemed his promise not to lay a finger on him had been sincere, as he was now hesitantly asking for permission. Ha-min couldn’t answer, his face bewildered. The situation was too ambiguous to simply say yes, but also not clear enough to say no. Above all, his thought process seemed to have stopped, and he couldn’t think of anything to say.
“Ah…”
He only let out a single exclamation, but Tae-rim seemed to take the silence as not being a refusal. He moved a little closer and gently embraced Ha-min’s shoulders. Finding himself suddenly pressed against Tae-rim’s broad chest, Ha-min’s breathing began to quicken. The warmth of Tae-rim’s cheek against his own, the scent at the tip of his nose, all stimulated every cell in his body.
“Ha…”
Tae-rim exhaled deeply, as if he could finally breathe, and embraced Ha-min more tightly. His large hand cupped the back of Ha-min’s head, pressing them together until there was no space left between them. At the same time, Tae-rim’s lips touched the tip of Ha-min’s ear. His slightly ragged breathing, like Ha-min’s own, penetrated clearly.
“…Don’t let anyone touch you.”
He whispered, holding Ha-min as if to constrain him.
“Only me.”
“…”
“Allow only me.”
With a yearning breath, he nuzzled Ha-min’s neck and embraced him even more tightly, though there was no room left between them. Ha-min, held like a doll, couldn’t bring himself to either hug back or push away. While the pleading voice made him want to embrace Tae-rim too, he hesitated. That final bit of courage wasn’t so easy to muster.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
