#112
It was a ridiculous situation. He came to visit a sick person, only to collapse and receive care himself. Ha-min rubbed his forehead, feeling embarrassed and awkward. He kept sighing as he recalled what he must have looked like just before collapsing. He hadn’t had an attack for a while…
He thought he had gotten much better after taking medication and having several psychological therapy sessions before the semester started. He never expected to have a sudden burnout like this. After a moment, the door opened carefully with a click.
“…Are you awake?”
It was Tae-rim who entered the room. Seeming a bit surprised to see Ha-min awake, he approached and sat on the edge of the bed, checking Ha-min’s condition.
“Are you okay?”
“Ah… yeah.”
Ha-min momentarily held his breath at the suddenly close distance, then managed to answer. Despite the affirmative response, Tae-rim couldn’t take his eyes off Ha-min, intently examining him from head to toe.
“Tell me if anything’s uncomfortable.”
“No, I’m really fine…”
“I’ll remove the IV drip in a bit, so keep lying down for now.”
You’re the one who’s sick, hyung… He tended to Ha-min’s condition as if he didn’t know he was sick himself. Faced with this somewhat excessive care, Ha-min couldn’t do much but lie back down on the bed as told. Feeling embarrassed about his situation, Ha-min hesitantly spoke up.
“Sorry, you saw me in a pitiful state…”
Ha-min couldn’t hide his embarrassment and rubbed his forehead as if to cover his face.
“I was scared.”
“…”
“…I thought something terrible was happening to you.”
He ran his hand over his face deeply, either relieved or overwhelmed with fatigue.
“I didn’t know you had panic attacks…”
“Before… it was a bit like that. I thought I had recovered completely…”
Ha-min continued speaking, unable to look at him directly.
“Was what I said that shocking…?”
He let out a self-deprecating tone.
Only then did the earlier situation come back to him. Ha-min suddenly remembered what he had said and what it meant, and he stiffened. He still couldn’t understand it. And he felt scared. Whether he said those things out of pity to comfort him… or if he expressed his apology that way because he felt sorry for him, Ha-min already knew too well how great the price of misunderstanding could be to take his words at face value.
“…Hyung, you’re misunderstanding.”
Ha-min quietly opened his mouth. More calmly than before, he spoke from his emotions.
“No.”
An even more resolute answer came back than Ha-min’s fairly firm voice. He looked down at Ha-min worriedly and carefully brushed aside Ha-min’s messy bangs as if they might break.
“I’ve been misunderstanding all this time.”
“…”
“About you.”
“…”
“Now, it’s rather become clearer.”
His voice had become even firmer.
“You might… be confused.”
But Ha-min stubbornly continued.
“You just… feel sorry for me.”
“Ha-min.”
“Otherwise…”
Otherwise, this couldn’t be happening.
It was always hyung who made him misunderstand using kindness as a weapon, and after causing the misunderstanding, drew the line with a smiling face.
Seeing Ha-min’s gaze that showed he absolutely couldn’t understand, Tae-rim let out a heavily suppressed voice.
“I understand that it’s hard for you to believe easily.”
“…”
“I won’t ask you to understand right away.”
The gaze looking at him had become more affectionate than before, and the overwhelming kindness made his fingertips tingle. He had always been kind, but this felt different in its depth.
“You need to sleep a bit more now.”
“…”
“You have a slight fever too.”
He said this while pulling up the blanket as if tucking in his own child. Feeling somewhat ticklish inside at being cared for, Ha-min looked up at him blankly, gripping the blanket tightly, not knowing what to do. They both had fevers, but for some reason, Ha-min felt embarrassed to be the one lying down.
“Hyung…”
“Yes?”
“Did you take your medicine?”
At the careful question, Tae-rim let out a faint smile. Looking down at Ha-min with a gaze that seemed to say he was adorably crazy for still worrying about him in this situation, he nodded obediently.
“Yes.”
“…Are you, feeling a bit better?”
“Yes, much better.”
That’s a relief… Ha-min muttered, seeming somewhat relieved, and his stiff face relaxed a little.
“Are you okay now too?”
At the returned question, Ha-min stiffened again, but he also nodded more obediently than before.
“…I’m okay.”
“That’s a relief.”
“I was actually all better… I was just a bit shocked earlier…”
For a moment, his scarred wrist seemed to throb. It felt as if the trauma was stirring, like the newly healed wound was wriggling like a worm. Perhaps sensing Ha-min’s discomfort, Tae-rim suddenly gently grasped Ha-min’s wrist. Ha-min flinched even more, but unable to avoid the touch that seemed to say it was okay, he looked at him with a stiff face.
He could feel Tae-rim’s touch on the raised scar tissue. The touch that gently caressed like it was floating was so careful that Ha-min felt ticklish in his lower abdomen.
“Did it hurt?”
He asked quietly, furrowing his brow as if he too was pained by the scar. It was a somewhat direct question, but Ha-min, who no longer had anything to hide or be ashamed of, hesitated before awkwardly smiling.
“I just… didn’t really feel it.”
When he cut his wrist, and even after cutting it, he didn’t really feel anything. No pain, no ache. He just felt like he was sinking below the surface.
As Tae-rim’s mood darkened at Ha-min’s answer, Ha-min smiled even more awkwardly to try to lighten the heavy air.
“It’s nothing, nothing now.”
“…”
“It’s just gross to look at… so I keep it hidden…”
Suddenly, Tae-rim’s face hardened coldly. For a moment, Ha-min was startled, thinking he had misspoken, but soon Tae-rim spoke again.
“How can it be nothing?”
“…”
“How can something that almost killed you be nothing?”
The grip on his wrist tightened. His stiff voice was mixed with self-blame, regret, and a sigh.
“Don’t hide it in front of me anymore.”
“…”
“I don’t know how you think about it.”
“…”
“But because of this, I’ve become even more certain.”
“…”
“That I, more than I imagined…”
He trailed off, unable to hide his somewhat agitated emotions, and gripped Ha-min’s wrist even more tightly. At his heavy emotions, Ha-min stared at him with a dumbfounded face, at a loss for words. This unfamiliar side of him that he hadn’t seen before was strange, yet somehow thrilling, making his chest tighten.
He stopped speaking without finishing his sentence. As if trying to organize or refine his overflowing emotions, he swallowed his words and gently stroked Ha-min’s hair again.
“…You must be tired.”
“…”
“I won’t bother you anymore now. Sleep.”
He calmly changed the subject, trying hard not to burden Ha-min. Ha-min found this side of him unfamiliar and confusing, so he too didn’t say anything more. He closed his eyes to try to sleep as Tae-rim said, but sleep wouldn’t come. He could only hear Tae-rim’s breathing as he waited for Ha-min to fall asleep, but he couldn’t sleep. His emotions, which hadn’t been tangible before, now seemed sincere, only intensifying his confused feelings.
**
When he opened his eyes, not knowing when he had fallen asleep, bright sunlight was coming through the window, making it impossible to tell if it was morning or midday. The weather was so clear it made a mockery of the rainy season. Ha-min got up sluggishly and looked around. The needle and IV drip he had been connected to in the early morning were gone. The peaceful atmosphere, as if nothing had happened, made Ha-min feel more refreshed than usual.
He had said it was as good as Ha-min’s own house, but Ha-min hadn’t adapted to this spacious house. As he quietly came out to the living room with the steps of a thief, he heard the beep of the front door opening.
The one coming in through the entrance hallway was none other than Tae-rim, and he was entering in workout clothes, drenched in sweat as if he had never been sick. Seeing his complexion looking much better than yesterday, Ha-min felt a bit relieved.
“…Did you go work out?”
Ha-min struggled to speak, not knowing how to greet him in the morning. Only then noticing Ha-min’s presence, Tae-rim turned around while wiping his sweat.
“You’re up?”
For some reason, he seemed like his usual self, and Ha-min’s uncomfortable feelings subsided a little.
“…Yeah.”
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m, I’m fine. Thanks to you, hyung…”
He approached quickly and placed his hand on Ha-min’s forehead. Ha-min was startled by the suddenly close distance and the touch on his body, but seeing Tae-rim’s seemingly unintentional action, he stood still. Tae-rim’s strong neckline, covered in sweat, came into view, and the heavy scent that always emanated from him lingered at the tip of Ha-min’s nose. He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling inexplicably itchy.
“Fortunately, your fever has gone down.”
“Ah…”
“Let’s have breakfast now. Go wash up and come out.”
He was nonchalant as if nothing had happened, which made Ha-min a bit bewildered. Feeling awkward at the scene that seemed to have returned to normal, Ha-min changed the subject.
“I… I should get going now.”
“…”
“I’ve already imposed on you all night, it’s too much to eat breakfast too…”
As Ha-min hesitantly refused his offer, Tae-rim’s previously calm expression stiffened slightly, but surprisingly, a compliant answer came from his lips.
“Alright.”
“Huh?”
Taken aback by the unexpectedly easy agreement, Ha-min asked again, and Tae-rim let out a deflated laugh.
“I understand, do as you like.”
“…Ah, okay.”
“Shall I give you a ride?”
“Ah… no. It’s fine.”
“Alright.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
