#107
“…”
“…”
He was standing there, as if Tae-in’s message telling him not to come hadn’t reached him. Ha-min saw Tae-rim looking at him, staring at this exact scene. Ha-min froze, unable to close his open mouth, as if his breath had stopped. Just as he regained his senses and tried to push Hee-gyeom away, to make matters worse, Hee-gyeom dropped his head onto Ha-min’s face, seemingly asleep.
The first thought that came to mind was that he would get angry seeing this. He always acted irritated when he saw Ha-min with Hee-gyeom.
In Jeju Island, in front of the school, and recently too. He was always kind, but when he saw Ha-min with Hee-gyeom, he acted like a different person. So this time too, Ha-min thought he would get angry. The gaze they exchanged from not too far away seemed more rigid than usual, colder, so Ha-min thought it would be the same this time…
“…”
He turned away as he watched. Even though their eyes had clearly met, he turned away as if he hadn’t seen Ha-min, as if he didn’t know him.
“…”
And without saying a word, he slowly walked away. Ha-min stood there frozen, as if he had forgotten to breathe, just watching his retreating figure. There was nothing he could do but watch.
**
Who knows how long he had been like that, Ha-min sat there for a long time with the sleeping Hee-gyeom’s face resting on his lap. He stared blankly into space, wasting time with meaningless thoughts like whether that person was really hyung, or if it might not have been him.
Suddenly, he worried if there had been a misunderstanding… If there had been a misunderstanding… would hyung not even be angry anymore? No, he might have gotten fed up instead. Was that why he turned away pretending not to see?
While Ha-min was unable to break free from these spiraling thoughts, he heard someone approaching from behind the bench.
“What are you doing out here, not coming in?”
It was Tae-in. He seemed to have come looking for Ha-min, worried that he hadn’t come in for so long. Upon discovering Hee-gyeom as well, Tae-in frowned, puzzled.
“What’s he doing here? Hey― Hey, Park Hee-gyeom.”
Tae-in poked the soundly sleeping Hee-gyeom to wake him up.
“He seems pretty drunk. Let’s just leave him.”
Hee-gyeom was clearly very drunk. Otherwise, what happened earlier couldn’t be explained.
“He should sleep inside if he’s going to sleep.”
“…”
“But you. Are you out here because of him?”
Tae-in asked why Ha-min had been outside in the chilly night air for so long. Ha-min furrowed his brow slightly, hesitating.
“Tae-in, hyung…”
Huh? As Ha-min trailed off, Tae-in opened his eyes wide and asked again. Ha-min hesitated for a moment before speaking again.
“I think hyung came.”
“Hyung?”
Tae-in raised his eyebrows and tilted his head.
“I told him not to come.”
“…”
“Because you were here… I told him to come later.”
Yet he came, and what did he intend to do by coming? What was he thinking?
“…”
Suddenly, Ha-min wondered if he was hurting him. Even as he laughed it off, thinking the hyung he knew wouldn’t be like that, a corner of his heart felt very uncomfortable.
Was he really waiting for Ha-min to contact him?
As always, it might have just been kind words. He didn’t think Tae-rim was anxiously waiting for his contact. Even if he was waiting… it was probably just out of guilt. Guilty about that day when he pushed Ha-min, because even hyung couldn’t ignore the scars on his wrist.
Even though he thought this, why did he keep thinking about Tae-rim turning away? Why did he keep feeling like things were going wrong? Even knowing it was a relationship that would end anyway. Knowing this but unable to shake off the discomfort, Ha-min couldn’t leave that place for a long time even after Tae-in took Hee-gyeom inside. Even though he knew there was no one there now where he had seen him.
**
Ha-min couldn’t see even a hair of Tae-rim, making their frequent meetings seem like a lie. Thinking about it, they had rarely met by chance. Every time, Tae-rim would come to the medical school building, or to his house, or show up at the convenience store where he worked. With him not coming to find Ha-min anymore, it really wasn’t easy to see his face.
As his thoughts reached this point, Ha-min suddenly realized that it had always been hyung who came to find him. Perhaps because of this, Ha-min, who had started working at his old convenience store job again, found himself unconsciously looking at the entrance for no reason these days.
With final exams approaching, he couldn’t work nights like before, but he started working short part-time shifts to earn some money occasionally. He had been worried about finding a good place, but when the store owner heard Ha-min was looking for work, he offered to take him back for old times’ sake. It was fortunate. He could start work right away without needing any training.
Something started to change gradually after that day at Tae-in’s studio. He felt a bit closer to Tae-in, and there was a strange atmosphere with Hee-gyeom. Hee-gyeom would act awkward when they met, and he would hesitate for a long time in front of Ha-min as if he had something to say. Ha-min purposely didn’t acknowledge it and didn’t bring up what happened that day. After all, it was just a drunken incident. He felt that bringing it up would only make things uncomfortable for both of them.
Lately, he felt like he was having hallucinations sometimes. Whenever he got close to his goshiwon, if he saw even just a person’s silhouette in front, he would instinctively flinch, thinking it might be hyung. It wasn’t just in front of the goshiwon. Sometimes it happened at school too.
His heart would race when he saw a man with a similar build from behind, wondering if it was hyung. One thing was certain. He missed hyung. Maybe it was because this was the first time in recent memory that he hadn’t seen him for so long, or maybe he had gotten used to him in that time.
Ha-min’s racing thoughts were interrupted by the vibration of his phone. Slightly startled by the buzzing sensation, Ha-min checked the screen with a surprised look. Seeing Hee-gyeom’s name displayed, Ha-min hesitated for a moment before answering the call.
“Hello.”
“Hyung, it’s… Hee-gyeom.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Ha-min let out a small laugh at the unnecessary self-introduction.
“Ah, right. Of course you do.”
Hee-gyeom’s voice was full of tension.
“What’s up?”
In truth, Ha-min had considered not answering, but felt that would be impolite. Seeing how Hee-gyeom had been acting around him lately, it was clear he was having a hard time, so Ha-min couldn’t easily ignore him.
“Hyung, um… what are you doing?”
“I’m at work. I started working at the convenience store again.”
“Ah, right. I think I heard that from Eun-soo.”
“Yeah.”
They exchanged meaningless conversation. Hee-gyeom seemed to want to ease the tension but couldn’t get to the point, beating around the bush. What are you doing now? Are you preparing well for finals? Has anything happened lately? Ha-min answered each question diligently as Hee-gyeom asked about even the most trivial things. It was possible because there were no customers.
“I had pork cutlet from the school cafeteria for lunch.”
“Ah, that’s not good. I know a really delicious place, let’s go together next time.”
“Sure.”
Ha-min answered with a faint smile, hearing Hee-gyeom’s voice which seemed more relaxed than at first. After about ten minutes of this, Hee-gyeom seemed to realize he was forcing the conversation and hesitated for a moment.
“Um, hyung.”
Realizing the preamble had been long enough, Hee-gyeom continued speaking with obvious embarrassment.
“That time. The day we drank at Tae-in hyung’s studio.”
Ha-min’s faint smile stiffened slightly. An uncomfortable topic had come up.
“Actually, I remember everything…”
“…”
“…I’m sorry.”
“Huh?”
“I’m not that kind of person. Forcibly hugging someone who says no and…”
Hee-gyeom sighed throughout his speech, seeming to regret his actions that day. Ha-min listened silently, not knowing how to respond.
“You were surprised that day, right? I had a lot on my mind that day…”
“…It’s okay. These things can happen when you’re drunk.”
Ha-min comforted Hee-gyeom, saying it was fine to alleviate his guilt. Despite the reassurance, Hee-gyeom suddenly stopped speaking. The sound of him catching his breath could be heard over the phone. He was hesitating and struggling to say something again.
“But, hyung.”
“…”
“I know I was rude. I know but… it wasn’t just because of the alcohol that day.”
“…”
“So I’m sorry.”
Ha-min could clearly hear how much tension was flowing through Hee-gyeom’s slightly trembling voice, but he was at a loss for words and abruptly stopped what he was doing. He couldn’t help but understand what Hee-gyeom was implying, but Ha-min couldn’t bring himself to say anything in response. As a result, a long silence flowed between them over the phone.
“…I don’t intend to make you uncomfortable.”
“…”
“I just… really wanted to say this…”
Ha-min now fully understood why Hee-gyeom had been hesitating and fidgeting around him as if he had something to say. Hee-gyeom, who didn’t want to dismiss that day’s events as drunken behavior, wanted to plant a small seed in Ha-min’s mind. For Ha-min, who was at a loss for words due to the awkwardness, Hee-gyeom tried to finish his words with a forced laugh.
“Then I’ll see you at school tomorrow, hyung.”
“…”
“I’ll buy you lunch tomorrow.”
Hee-gyeom ended the call with a laugh that sounded like his usual self, as if nothing had happened. Even after hearing the call disconnect, Ha-min couldn’t take the phone away from his ear for a long time. He had no room to think about anyone else right now. He wondered if he could truly accept someone else when he found himself turning to look at any man with a similar build, just in case it might be him.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
