#106
“So I… I just want to support you in everything. No matter what you do, no matter what choices you make.”
“…”
“Even though I’m family, I can’t say our hyung is a good guy. He’s a bit… lacking in human aspects. He’s very different from you.”
“…”
“But I can feel that you really like him a lot… so I can’t even try to stop you by saying he’s not a good guy. Instead, I’d rather hope things work out well… I know I shouldn’t meddle in other people’s relationships, but I guess I overstepped.”
Tae-in scratched his temple as if embarrassed. He laughed, then cleared his throat repeatedly, and as if he still had more to say, he rubbed the tip of his nose and continued.
“I had no idea you were thinking those things. Hey, what’s so terrible about it? Life is hard for everyone, and everyone has their own pain. I wanted to die until I had my surgery. Thinking, ‘What’s the point of having this miserable body?’ Even though there might be kids who want it more desperately, I had those pathetic thoughts too.”
“…”
“So whatever happened to you, whatever thoughts you had, there’s no one here to blame you.”
Tae-in continued, suddenly sounding mature. He didn’t joke around as usual, nor did he brush it off lightly. Every word was sincerely for Ha-min.
“Of course, I’m not arrogantly saying I understand all your feelings or anything. I just want to say…”
“…”
“I’ll support you in whatever you do.”
“…”
“After all, we’re best friends.”
Even as Tae-in spoke casually, he blinked rapidly as if he was about to cry. He sniffled, pretending not to notice, and nonchalantly turned his gaze away. Feeling awkward but also cringing at his own words, he shrugged his shoulders and suddenly patted Ha-min’s shoulder.
He then nodded, saying he’d go out, and pinched the tip of his itchy nose before leaving the practice room. Left alone in the practice room, Ha-min let out a deflated laugh for some reason. And at the same time, his eyes began to burn.
Standing there blankly, Ha-min covered his hot eyes and remained there for a long time. Hot emotions welled up in his throat, overwhelming him. To keep from crying, Ha-min pinched the tip of his nose, which was becoming sore, and let out a long breath. Tae-in had told him one thing: that Lee Tae-in was on his side. That he was no longer alone.
That’s what he was telling him.
**
Ha-min, who came out of the practice room belatedly, went outside the building to really get some fresh air. He felt he needed the cold air to compose his emotions. He hadn’t known that Tae-in was thinking that way, and that he was worrying about him more than he had expected. Tae-in had told him not to say sorry, but Ha-min was sorry, and as Tae-in said, he was grateful too. He was even more grateful that his heavy heart seemed to have lightened a bit. He was also grateful that Tae-in had expressed all those feelings. The words of support for his struggles felt too good for him.
Sitting on a bench in front of the building, Ha-min quietly stared at his silent phone.
He could understand why Tae-in had said those things to him. It meant not to be scared unnecessarily. No matter who the other person was, it meant not to make himself small because of those scars. Because he was no longer the pathetic loner from the past. So there was no need to make himself small in front of hyung, no need to hide from him.
Even in this short moment, countless worries came to mind. Should he honestly tell him about his feelings and all the past events, and cleanly settle things?
Would he be waiting for his call too? We’re not even in any kind of relationship anyway… He’s going back to America anyway. He’s someone with thoughts and feelings so different from mine.
His hand hesitated to touch the phone, blocked by the fear of not wanting to get hurt anymore, like a wall.
“What are you doing?”
Just as hundreds of worries were swirling in his mind, a friendly voice was heard.
“Ah, nothing. I’m not doing anything.”
Ha-min startled like a guilty person and quickly stuffed his phone into his clothes.
“Are you waiting for someone’s call?”
Having seen Ha-min staring blankly at his phone, Hee-gyeom asked with a weak smile. He seemed quite drunk, his face flushed, and the smell of alcohol was evident in his laughter, which he let out for no reason.
“No… just. Why did you come out?”
“I couldn’t see you, hyung.”
“Go hang out with the others.”
“I see them every day, you know.”
Hee-gyeom shook his head with a bored expression. His bored face looked so convincing that Ha-min let out a silly laugh. At the innocent laughter, Hee-gyeom suddenly stared at Ha-min quietly. At the gaze that seemed somewhat intense, Ha-min stopped laughing and looked back at Hee-gyeom innocently, saying “Huh?” Without averting his direct gaze, Hee-gyeom asked kindly as always.
“Do you know something, hyung?”
“Huh?”
“Your smile is really pretty.”
“…Huh?”
At Hee-gyeom’s sudden words, Ha-min, who had been laughing, blinked with a slightly stiff face. Either not reading Ha-min’s confusion or ignoring it, Hee-gyeom continued.
“Is it weird to call a guy pretty?”
“…”
“But hyung, you’re handsome… but sometimes you’re pretty.”
Even though his words were mixed with playfulness, his gaze was a bit intense, causing Ha-min to unconsciously avoid eye contact. In the face of the suddenly ambiguous atmosphere, Ha-min rubbed his nape with his hand. It was a gesture full of awkwardness.
“Are you drunk?”
“…Yes, a bit. I drank too much penalty drinks earlier.”
“Ah…”
Relieved that he was just talking nonsense because he was drunk, Ha-min nodded with a slightly relaxed face. Then, as if something suddenly occurred to him, Hee-gyeom spoke again with a serious expression.
“But hyung.”
“…”
“Do you think I’m obsessed with you?”
“Huh?”
Hee-gyeom’s eyes sparkled as if he was really curious.
“No, earlier… Ha Eun-soo said that, and I was wondering… if it might be true.”
“What are you… No. It’s not like that.”
Ha-min let out a frustrated sigh and shook his head at the absurd sudden statement. However, Hee-gyeom’s troubled expression didn’t clear.
“But… I think it might be a bit true.”
“What?”
“I keep… thinking about you…”
Hee-gyeom mumbled, his voice becoming increasingly unclear, as if he really was drunk. Then he suddenly lifted his lowered head and stared at Ha-min. His eyes, wavering with the effects of alcohol, seemed somewhat stubborn.
“…I keep thinking about you.”
“…”
“I want to treat you well…”
Ha-min instinctively felt the need to leave the situation.
“You seem really drunk… Should I call you a taxi?”
Ha-min quickly changed the subject with an awkward smile. He didn’t want things to get any more uncomfortable. But Hee-gyeom suddenly lowered his head and let out even more uncomfortable words.
“When you don’t contact me, I feel strangely upset…”
“…”
“I feel good when I see you…”
Hee-gyeom continued to mumble as if talking to himself. Ha-min, with a clearly troubled expression, didn’t know what to do and was about to get up to leave the situation when suddenly his wrist was grabbed.
“Hyung.”
Hee-gyeom slowly raised his head and looked up with slightly unfocused eyes.
“Can I… ask you for one favor?”
He asked clearly despite being drunk. Ha-min, unable to sit down or stand up due to his confusion, just stared at Hee-gyeom blankly, unable to answer.
“I’m… curious about something…”
“…”
“I’ve been curious… about this…”
“…”
“Just once… can I hug you?”
What is he saying now? Ha-min blinked with a dazed expression. Was this why? Why this child kept making him uncomfortable somewhere? Why the goodwill without reason wasn’t entirely comfortable?
“Just… once.”
Even in his drunken state, Hee-gyeom’s manner of asking as politely as possible revealed his desperation.
“Just like friends hugging… like that.”
Ha-min could only open and close his mouth, unable to answer. Of course, it wasn’t something he couldn’t do. What’s so difficult about two guys, close friends of the same sex, hugging each other…? But Hee-gyeom’s gaze and words made him feel uneasy.
But he couldn’t coldly reject him. Ha-min’s heart was too soft to sensitively reject such an easy request from a child who had been good to him all this time. He didn’t know what sudden wind had blown to make him consider this, but Ha-min couldn’t avoid Hee-gyeom slowly approaching him. Because the pleading look on his face made him look so young.
“…Hee-gyeom.”
Ha-min called him carefully. However, without answering, Hee-gyeom very slowly embraced Ha-min. Being an athletic guy, Hee-gyeom’s build was big, and his embrace felt too ample. The firm arms that Woo-kyung called “muscle pig” wrapped around his waist and the back of his neck, and a strange feeling crept up from the tips of his toes.
“Hee-gyeom…”
Feeling that this strange atmosphere would intensify if he stayed any longer, Ha-min called him with a slightly uncomfortable voice. But Hee-gyeom didn’t budge.
“…Just a little longer.”
As Ha-min tried to push him away, Hee-gyeom whispered softly while hugging him even tighter. Ha-min couldn’t see what kind of face Hee-gyeom was making, but he could feel that the breath touching his ear was a bit excited. This Hee-gyeom felt so unfamiliar and strange that Ha-min tried to push him away again, but suddenly he saw a human figure over Hee-gyeom’s shoulder. Someone standing not far away.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
