#102
It was only later that he realized how much that child had followed him back then, and he also remembered that he had left that place without saying a word. It wasn’t a big deal to him, it was natural, but if it had been that child… He suddenly wondered if it might have hurt their feelings.
When he saw that child again, whom he had purely wanted to see, there was a distinctly different feeling. Seeing how he had grown tall and slender, with his chubby belly and baby fat completely gone, now an proper man, he secretly felt confused about who he had wanted to see.
But that feeling was fleeting, as he quickly realized that the grown-up Song Ha-min was no different from that young child. The clear eyes untainted by the world, the undisguised kindness, even the foolishly naive demeanor. He was just like that child from years ago, but as time had passed, there were certainly things that differed from his expectations.
Suddenly, that incident where the child clumsily tried to help with his sexual release. It was surprising enough that two men touched each other’s genitals, but it was shocking in another way that Ha-min had played with another man’s cock.
Of course, the child was well past the age of adulthood, but the fact that he had played with a man’s cock with those innocent eyes was unimaginable no matter how much he tried to picture it. That’s why he accepted that absurd proposal. In that shock, Tae-rim unknowingly felt a sense of spite and a strange sadism. Unfortunately, unlike Song Ha-min, he wasn’t a kind person.
Ha-min’s face as he sucked his cock was enough to arouse his sexual curiosity, and the satisfaction until he ejaculated was beyond imagination. Despite being incredibly clumsy and Ha-min’s canine teeth scraping against his shaft, his lower abdomen felt tight and the blood vessels throughout his body heated up.
It was the first time in recent memory he had felt such satisfaction, and seeing that clear face smeared with semen gave him a strange sense of perversion that made his insides squirm. Perhaps the child who might have been sacred to him was sucking his cock and receiving his semen, and a tingling sensation seemed to flow through him from head to toe.
As he repeated the act, attaching a clumsy justification to it, what he thought about was his own casual feelings, as always. A light sexual act enjoyed with a beloved younger brother. After a drink and even a fleeting secretive glance, he would kiss, undress, and enjoy sex. To him, it was more ridiculous than a casual game of poker.
He intended to treat him well and enjoy it, at least while in Korea. He planned to treat him well and cherish him as much as he enjoyed it. That was his repayment for the sexual acts, and it was the basic courtesy he always extended. Rather than holding someone intimately like a lover after sex, it was more convenient and easier to give them excessive money under the pretense of transportation fare.
While some were satisfied, others would slap him. Then he’d just take the slap and that would be it. Tae-rim considered these things to be a kind of chivalry, but Song Ha-min didn’t welcome any of it. It must have been from that point. When his emotions, which he thought were the same as always, started to twist.
Ironically, the person he thought would be the easiest to handle always defied his expectations. From the absurd talk of not needing birthday gifts or watches, just wanting to be there when needed, to the sudden declaration of having found someone he liked. Even though until recently, he had been writhing in pleasure during sex and kissing breathlessly, despite that, Tae-rim was at a loss for words when Ha-min seemed to think of sexual partners and platonic relationships as separate things.
Although it was Tae-rim who had set the boundaries for such a relationship, he realized he was being completely played when Ha-min calmly proceeded to end their relationship more neatly than anyone. He felt angry, spiteful, couldn’t comprehend it, and stubbornly embraced Ha-min as if taking out his frustrations on him. He was completely off track with an unidentifiable desire for exclusivity.
“Well, he did seem innocent.”
Hee-jae’s words broke the silence between them, addressing Tae-rim, who had been so quiet that the surrounding noise had settled. Tae-rim’s gaze, which had been lost in completely different thoughts, flinched as if waking from a dream. He suddenly stared at Hee-jae as if to ask what she meant.
“He just doesn’t match your style at all.”
“…”
“How does such a normal kid handle someone like you?”
Hee-jae shook her head gently as she chided him.
“It’s obvious.”
“…”
“You probably acted as you pleased, without any interest in what the other person was thinking or wanting.”
“It’s different from that.”
Tae-rim retorted firmly. It wasn’t about such simple things. Hee-jae let out a mocking laugh at his resolute answer. It was clearly scornful.
“How is it different?”
“…”
“I’m sorry, but I can clearly see how you must have acted.”
Although it seemed like she was chiding him, it wasn’t a sneering criticism. Hee-jae gradually removed the laughter from her voice and spoke softly again.
“You probably didn’t care at all about what the other person wanted or what they were thinking.”
The voice saying it was obvious grated on Tae-rim’s nerves.
“You just did whatever you felt like, as always, right?”
“…”
“Even when people around you left, you never cared. Sometimes I thought you were like a sociopath back then.”
Hee-jae burst into a light laugh and playfully struck a nerve, but Tae-rim didn’t flinch. He had heard such jokes several times before, so it wasn’t something to get upset about.
“Your ex must be happy being a crazy psycho.”
Tae-rim spat out the joke with a straight face.
“Yeah, you should have lived a bit more kindly.”
“You should go now.”
As Tae-rim, who was starting to find it uncomfortable to play along with the jokes, spoke without hiding his displeasure, Hee-jae paid no mind and continued to lean on him with her arms crossed.
“I told you, didn’t I? That you’d regret it someday.”
Regret? The sudden words struck Tae-rim’s mind. His face visibly hardened at the words that hit him like thunder.
“How can you have a normal relationship when you’ve never even tried or made an effort to date someone?”
“…”
“Give it up. He’ll only get hurt anyway.”
Hee-jae spoke clearly, in a tone that seemed like sincere advice rather than teasing or sneering. How could someone who had never yearned for anyone’s interest or affection date? The sincere advice to truly give up was for the sake of the other person.
Hee-jae said her final goodbye, telling Tae-rim to contact her when he came back to the family home, and then quietly disappeared. Tae-rim, who remained rooted to the spot, let out a deep sigh and ran his hand over his face. He could only laugh bitterly as there was nothing wrong with what Hee-jae had said. He finally understood why he felt so frustrated.
He didn’t know what to do. He had no idea what he should do for Ha-min right now. For the first time in his life, he felt like an idiot and gritted his teeth. You’ve become a real moron. Tae-rim ruffled his wet hair and got up. His head felt like it was about to explode, and he thought he needed to douse himself with cold water to clear his thoughts. Meanwhile, Tae-rim stared intently at the black screen of his phone, which showed no notifications.
**
After entering the house, Tae-rim washed his body with cold water, then took out a bottle of alcohol from the display cabinet and filled a glass to the brim. Before the golden liquid could even ripple, Tae-rim had already downed half of it. When he postponed his schedule to enter the U.S. and bought a house, his parents were furious. It was because all the business schedules had been overturned.
In fact, Tae-rim wasn’t particularly interested in inheriting his parents’ position. He had lived as if that position had always been his from birth, and everyone around him thought the same, so Tae-rim, who had grown up indolently without any particular dreams or hopes, just thought he would receive what was given to him. Going back to the U.S. was just like returning to his rightful place, just an ordinary thing. That’s why he never thought there would be someone who would be hurt by that fact. He had no idea that returning to where he was supposed to go would hurt that child.
He immediately canceled his schedule. There was no hesitation when he saw that face crying like a child. He didn’t have to go. When he postponed his departure date, his father raged as usual, and if he had been in front of him, he might have picked up a golf club right away. He was already displeased that Tae-rim had come to Korea in the first place, and now that it seemed he might settle down, his father was anxious.
But knowing that he would have to return someday, he had planned to persuade Ha-min well and take him to the U.S. together after he graduated from university. He thought there was enough possibility with that soft-hearted child, but looking back, all of this was just his own willfulness.
That child never told him not to go to the U.S., never said he wanted to live together, and was really ending his feelings for him. He had arrogantly thought there was still enough possibility to turn things around, albeit belatedly.
Whether these feelings of his were possessiveness or love was secondary. He wanted to pin Song Ha-min down in front of him right now, and he was getting impatient to change his mind. And all of this burst out, causing him to lose his reason, on that night when Ha-min didn’t answer his calls all night.
“…”
As Tae-rim finished the remaining alcohol, his gaze suddenly stopped on Ha-min’s closed door. He slowly moved his steps.
When he opened the door, this place was still filled with the smell of new furniture. Thanks to it still being daytime, sunlight from beyond the window fell evenly on the new bedding. He had deliberately chosen a room with good sunlight for Ha-min’s room. Simply because it suited him well.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
