“Go inside.”
Those were the only words Cha Jae-woo uttered, breaking his silence. A brief command. I was very familiar with his tone. I knew I had to go inside because he commanded it. This was the natural order of things.
No, no it wasn’t. Why should I obey Cha Jae-woo’s commands? Our contract was over. In fact, it was Cha Jae-woo who ended the contract, not me.
“……It’s up to me.”
I stubbornly planted my feet on the ground and said to Cha Jae-woo. Of course, even if the contract was over, I couldn’t just do as I pleased with him. I knew too well what kind of person he was.
But why was it that now, none of that scared me? Even though I had been desperate to escape him, even though I had felt relieved at even the slightest distance, I ultimately realized I was still in the palm of his hand. Did that realization make me brave?
Cha Jae-woo was looking at me. And I couldn’t escape him. Now that I knew this, did I really need to cower?
‘He’ll do whatever he wants anyway.’
Cha Jae-woo had already decided the outcome of everything. It meant that no matter what I did, it wouldn’t matter. Everything would go according to his will. My actions wouldn’t affect him at all.
“Whether I go in or not, what does it matter?”
But that didn’t mean I could be reckless. Cha Jae-woo might suddenly get angry at my attitude. Yet, I still wasn’t scared. It wasn’t that I no longer valued my life, nor was it that I was drunk and out of my mind. I was just believing what I saw.
Cha Jae-woo was right in front of me. And I could see his wave, which I had suddenly sensed before. Cha Jae-woo’s wave was very unstable. In other words, he needed me desperately.
Somehow, I was the only Guide again. So, he wouldn’t put me in danger. That’s why I could be a little more confident.
But something was a bit strange.
Normally, waves aren’t visible to the eye. I had only seen it when I first met him. Had his condition gotten this bad in the meantime?
That didn’t make sense. Cha Jae-woo had only gone without proper guiding for about half a year. Yet, it was much clearer now than when he had never received proper guiding for years. Why was that?
Maybe he was deliberately letting it show? To make me feel pity. To show me that his condition was very bad.
Well, that could be possible. Cha Jae-woo knew me well. He might know that I had searched for his name when I sensed his wave and worried about him, even if it was just a little.
“Do you need guiding? From me?”
So, I asked with a slightly sarcastic tone, leaning against the front door. It was ridiculous that he came to me for guiding. If he needed me, why did he tell me to leave as if I would never see him again? It was laughable that I had even felt grateful to him for letting me out, even if it was just for a moment.
“I still can’t do it.”
“…….”
“No, I probably never will.”
I shook my head seriously. Just a moment ago, I was in tears, but now, seeing Cha Jae-woo’s face, it was as if my tear ducts had dried up completely.
Cha Jae-woo didn’t respond. But I could see his wave flickering in front of me, so I didn’t feel like I needed his answer.
It was strange. I could see the wave, but I couldn’t feel it. But with my eyes, I could clearly see the wave, twisted in agony. Even though I knew waves couldn’t have emotions, it felt like it was expressing a miserable feeling.
But why couldn’t I feel it when I could see it so clearly? It was strange. It should have been the other way around…
I had questions, but they didn’t last long. Did I need to find a reason? It was all none of my business now.
“I can’t guide. If you came to take me, give up. I can’t guide Cha Jae-woo ever again. No, I won’t.”
I shook my head firmly, but Cha Jae-woo still didn’t respond. It was unfair. Did Cha Jae-woo have to be so composed right now?
If I don’t guide, he can’t do anything. It’s impossible for an Esper to drain mana from a Guide. Unless the guiding is improperly blocked, I can prevent any of my mana from leaking out.
From the start, I couldn’t guide even if I wanted to. Kim Sol was right. I didn’t want to guide Cha Jae-woo. I even thought that if the reason Cha Jae-woo had been quiet lately was because he wasn’t receiving guiding, then maybe it was better that way.
Strong power is a luxury for Cha Jae-woo. He doesn’t protect people; he just watches and pushes them away. So, does he really need that power?
“Do you want to experience it yourself? Whether I can do it or not? Then will you believe me?”
My solitary muttering echoed loudly in the hallway. The building had poor soundproofing, so my voice would probably carry into every apartment.
The fact that I was talking about guiding in such a place showed how much my mind was in disarray. But the important thing right now was Cha Jae-woo standing in front of me.
“Yes. If you try, you’ll see.”
As always, Cha Jae-woo looked at me with an expression that gave no hint of his thoughts. Frustrated, I stepped towards him.
But before I could take more than a few steps, I was blocked by something. There was clearly nothing there, but it felt like a wall had been erected right in front of me. Cha Jae-woo must have put up a barrier to keep me from approaching.
“This is—!”
“No.”
Cha Jae-woo spoke just as I was about to shout in frustration, banging on the invisible wall. His voice was not loud, but it was surprisingly clear. Such a simple word echoed in my ears.
“I didn’t come here to ask for guiding.”
Cha Jae-woo’s brow furrowed slightly. I stopped banging on the wall and clenched my jaw.
If not for guiding, then why did he come?
I wanted to ask, but the words wouldn’t come out. I didn’t want to hear whatever answer he might give. If he didn’t need guiding, there was no reason for him to seek me out. In the end, the only thing he wanted from me was guiding.
But I knew Cha Jae-woo was capable of deceiving me to get what he wanted. Maybe, just maybe, even the wave of sorrow and regret I saw was something he created.
Yes, Cha Jae-woo was capable of that. He could manipulate my feelings just to make guiding easier for himself.
“Ha…….”
Cha Jae-woo must have found it so convenient that I loved him. I was always eager to do more for him, so of course, it was easy for him.
That’s why, when I started to doubt and fear him, Cha Jae-woo hypnotized me and pretended we were still lovers.
He liked that kind of relationship. Had his feelings changed now? If so, what could he possibly do?
“……Do you feel sorry for me?”
There was only one thing I could think of. He would pretend to be sorry and reflect on his actions, acting as if he loved me, all to restore our old relationship.
People’s tendency to cling to hope can be a good thing. I thought, looking at Cha Jae-woo, who still gave no answer.
If I hadn’t imagined Cha Jae-woo coming to me, saying he was sorry, that he had loved me all along, I wouldn’t be thinking this way.
Would I forgive him then? If he said he truly loved me, the part of my heart that still held onto that hope would whisper to me to believe him.
But how could I trust him? What if it was all a lie? Could Cha Jae-woo really love me?
But the brief illusion quickly faded. Cha Jae-woo couldn’t love me. So, if he said he was sorry and came to me, it would all be an act. An act to return to that moment.
So, I must never fall for it. Even if it never happens, I need to be prepared. Yes, I was foolish enough to cling to that hope, to imagine that scenario.
“……I’m sorry.”
Was it a good thing, in the end? At least I didn’t crumble at his words, even if they seemed hard for him to say. Even if my heart felt like it was shattering, I didn’t show it.
“Ha ha.”
I laughed at Cha Jae-woo’s apology. Even though I had predicted his actions, I couldn’t hide the emptiness that washed over me.
“What are you sorry for?”
The smile vanished from my lips. I looked straight at Cha Jae-woo and asked.
The emptiness gave way to a sense of injustice. It was infuriating to think that I would continue to be used like this.
“Does saying ‘I’m sorry’ make everything okay?”
In that moment, I wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt me. No, I wanted to make him suffer.
“……No, it doesn’t.”
Well.
Is that cruel?
