“Are you okay?”
“Of course, I am.”
His vision was blurry. Truthfully, he wasn’t okay, but before he could even think about it, the words “I’m fine” came out. It was a habit of sorts. He knew the other person was worried.
“Sure you are.”
Of course, he usually got caught in the lie.
He didn’t need to force himself to lie, but it had become a habit that was hard to break. He knew the other person was endlessly worried about him, so it was inevitable.
“Uh, uh, uh. I’m not okay. So, just go now.”
He shook his head and sprawled out on the bed.
The semester opening party must be in full swing by now, but since he hadn’t had a drink in a while, he got drunk quickly and ended up being taken care of by Kim Geon-ung.
He regretted going, but he needed an excuse like this to drink and chat with others.
In fact, he had talked to new people for the first time in a while. Mostly freshmen.
“Hi. I don’t think we’ve met before. Didn’t you come to the orientation?”
“Huh?”
“Your face is so bright, I don’t think I would have missed you.”
He remembered the face of the person who had approached him while Kim Geon-ung was greeting a close senior. No matter how he looked at them, they seemed like a new freshman, but they spoke informally right away, so he must have looked like a freshman too.
He didn’t know whether to be happy about that or not. Even now, he was confused, but it was just funny.
“What’s so good about it?”
“It’s not good, it’s funny.”
“Do you like being treated like a kid?”
Kim Geon-ung asked, as if it was ridiculous, seeing him giggling without realizing it. He always found fault with everything.
“Don’t nitpick and just go now.”
He waved his hand at him. The alcohol was making him dizzy, and he felt like he could fall asleep right away.
“Are you really going to be okay alone?”
But Kim Geon-ung didn’t leave right away. He just stood there, looking worried.
He wasn’t a child left by the water.
Of course, he understood his feelings. When he left his hometown, Kim Geon-ung had been very worried. And today, he had drunk a lot, so it made sense.
But it was unnecessary worry. Sometimes it felt like Kim Geon-ung was more affected by Cha Jae-woo’s aftermath than he was.
“I’m sleepy. So go.”
He said it more firmly on purpose, and Kim Geon-ung looked reluctant but eventually nodded. He couldn’t keep insisting if he said he was fine.
Actually, the relationship between Kim Geon-ung and him had changed a lot. They had been friends for a long time, and Kim Geon-ung was the one who had taken him out of Cha Jae-woo’s house, but there was a slight awkwardness between them.
It was because Kim Geon-ung liked him and he knew it. Not only that, but Kim Geon-ung also knew that he was aware of his feelings.
Kim Geon-ung hadn’t confessed, but from the moment he realized it, they couldn’t be as close as before. It was inevitable.
“Okay. Get some sleep… If anything happens, call me.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
He wrapped himself in the blanket and replied vaguely. Kim Geon-ung hesitated for a moment but soon opened the front door, said a short goodbye, and left the house.
Noise from outside flooded into the house. It had been so quiet before the semester started that he wondered if anyone lived there, but now it was unusually loud.
If he had to choose, he preferred the noise. He never liked places that were too quiet. That’s why he often talked to himself.
He tried to turn on the TV but felt too lazy and just closed his eyes. However, despite the alcohol, sleep wouldn’t come.
A stifling feeling crept over him. Lately, he had been feeling this way often.
‘But usually, it’s okay.’
Today, for some reason, he felt particularly stifled. He felt like he couldn’t sleep unless he did something about it right away.
He lay there for a long time, trying to sleep, but it was no use. Instead, his chest felt like it was about to burst.
“……Cha Jae-woo.”
He muttered the name of someone he hadn’t spoken of in a long time.
Actually, ever since he sensed his presence, he had been on his mind. Cha Jae-woo’s face kept appearing in his mind, and he couldn’t get it out of his head. Especially today, it was worse. Maybe it was because he was drunk.
Of course, he had no reason to worry about Cha Jae-woo. He couldn’t feel his presence anymore. If he had to pinpoint the moment, it was when he sensed his presence and ran out of the house.
“Cha Jae-woo.”
If he had felt it even a little after that day, he might have thought he was imagining it. But because the presence disappeared as soon as he reacted, he couldn’t help but be sure. Cha Jae-woo had really been nearby.
“Are you here?”
At that time, Cha Jae-woo’s presence was completely distorted. It felt more gloomy than sharp.
Of course, he wasn’t saying he was worried about him. He was just curious. Why was he lingering around in that state?
Actually, the reason was simple if he thought about it. It was because he didn’t have a Guide. In the end, he was the only one who could provide guiding.
But there was something strange about that. If he needed guiding and there was no Guide, Cha Jae-woo would have come to him right away, regardless of his circumstances. He wasn’t the type to consider his situation.
So why didn’t Cha Jae-woo appear? Why was he just lingering around? It was as if he was hesitating.
“You’re here again, aren’t you?”
It was a ridiculous thought. He couldn’t understand Cha Jae-woo at all.
He was curious about what Cha Jae-woo was thinking. At first, he thought he didn’t need to know. But once the curiosity took hold, it stayed in the back of his mind.
There was also a sense of anxiety. Cha Jae-woo was nearby. He could take him away at any moment. It was an unsettling thought.
“Do you need guiding?”
He rubbed his face roughly. He kept talking to Cha Jae-woo, who might not even be there.
“Is that why you came to get me?”
Whether it was the alcohol making him brave or the fact that Cha Jae-woo wasn’t in front of him, he had no trouble speaking his mind.
He raised his voice even more. He was shouting into the void.
“Why don’t you show yourself? Why? Why don’t you just demand guiding? Why are you just lurking there silently?”
Strangely, the more he shouted, the more stifled he felt. He pounded his chest with his fist. It didn’t help.
“You never used to be like this! You said you don’t have a Guide now! You need guiding, so you came to me! So why don’t you show yourself? Why don’t you just do what you always do?”
He thought he was fine, but the frustration had been building up, and the words poured out. At the same time, his eyes stung.
He knew he was making a scene. Truthfully, he was still afraid to face Cha Jae-woo. He had no idea what he would do if he actually appeared. He just had to say what he had been holding back for so long.
“Come out! Come out and see for yourself! See that I can’t provide guiding, ugh, see it again! Then, then…!”
Then you won’t come anymore?
The words caught in his throat. Instead, tears welled up in his eyes.
He had cried a lot at Cha Jae-woo’s house. But he couldn’t do that in front of Kim Geon-ung’s family, so he had held it back. It seemed like it was all coming out now.
“Why, sob, why won’t you come out…!”
He roughly wiped away the tears and got out of bed. Then he threw open the front door. The doorway was empty.
“You bastard!”
Still, he couldn’t stop talking to him.
“I told you to come out….”
His voice, choked with sobs, echoed down the empty hallway. He slumped against the open door and slid to the floor.
He knew Cha Jae-woo shouldn’t appear. But the fact that he didn’t made him even more frustrated.
He always did whatever he wanted, but he was still powerless. If only he could use guiding as an excuse to control him, things might be different.
If he had been sober, he never would have thought like this. He sat there, hugging his knees to his chest. It was only March, and the cold from the marble floor seeped into him, but he didn’t care.
He didn’t know what he wanted. Did he want Cha Jae-woo to come? Did he really think he could control him, that he could get revenge for the pain he had caused?
It was a ridiculous thought. He should be grateful that Cha Jae-woo had let him go. He knew that.
“…….”
But he didn’t move. There was no excuse. He was waiting for Cha Jae-woo.
“…….”
He didn’t know how much time had passed. His coat was thrown off, and his shoes were barely on as he sat hunched over, feeling his body gradually cooling down.
He hugged himself tighter as his body shivered. Unfortunately, he had no intention of going back inside.
Why was that?
“……Lim Haeyul.”
What did he want from Cha Jae-woo that made him wait like this?
“……I knew it.”
He faced Cha Jae-woo, who appeared in front of him with an unreadable expression. A self-deprecating mutter escaped his lips.
“I knew you were watching.”
Ha, a short laugh escaped him.
Surprisingly, now that he was face to face with Cha Jae-woo, he felt neither shock nor fear. The dominant emotion in his mind was a sense of emptiness.
He knew Cha Jae-woo wouldn’t have let him go so easily. Yes, he had just given him some time. Just enough time to be able to guide properly, and during that time, he had been lurking around him, waiting.
He had ignored him as he struggled to escape, and had done it all for himself.
