In the end, he did not hear Cha Jae-woo’s answer. Whether Cha Jae-woo felt he was not worth engaging with, or if it was because he had blurted out the question and then locked the door in fear, he wasn’t sure.
It didn’t matter whether he heard it or not. If it were possible, he would have tried it already. If Cha Jae-woo could, he would want it more than him. How much of a burden was he to Cha Jae-woo now? He felt he could see right through Cha Jae-woo’s thoughts at that moment.
He had said unnecessary things. Even if he complained to Cha Jae-woo about his suffering, nothing would change. He would only upset Cha Jae-woo again.
“……Why didn’t you eat more?”
As soon as he put down his spoon, he heard the lady’s worried voice.
He was the one who had tried to protect him from Lee Jae-hoon. He was glad he was alive. That was all he thought. He didn’t consider who else might have disappeared.
“…….”
He shook his head instead of answering. The lady sighed deeply, looking worried.
“You barely ate anything…….”
She looked very upset as she stared at the unfinished porridge.
He had been eating porridge for weeks, even though there was nothing wrong with his digestive system. Anything else he ate, he would vomit. Perhaps the nutrients he lacked were being supplied through the IV he was constantly hooked up to. He could only guess.
“I’ve had enough.”
He expressed his intention not to eat anymore and turned his head away. The lady seemed to want to say more, but he didn’t want to hear it.
‘……It’s all because of the guiding anyway.’
He knew that she was not really worried about him, but about Cha Jae-woo.
He also wanted to guide Cha Jae-woo. He just wanted to do it and escape from their attention. But since it wasn’t going as he wanted, he was the one getting frustrated.
Cha Jae-woo had not appeared for a while, but he knew he would be tense the moment he showed up. If he could at least face him in a sane state, that would be fortunate. Guiding was, of course, impossible.
The more this went on, the worse the situation would get. How long would Cha Jae-woo watch over a guide who couldn’t guide properly?
His life might be in danger. He might be discarded for not functioning properly. Yet, somehow, he felt the possibility of the opposite was greater.
He had once thought he knew Cha Jae-woo well. He thought Cha Jae-woo was not a bad person, that people misunderstood him.
But from the moment he realized all those moments were his own delusions, Cha Jae-woo became someone he could not predict. Beyond not loving him, Cha Jae-woo became someone who could kill him at any moment.
Even though they stood on the same ground, the lives of Esper and ordinary humans were too different. The morals he knew meant nothing to them. So, perhaps his worries were not just baseless fears?
“……Ugh.”
His stomach churned again. Seeing this, the lady quickly cleared the table. It happened often.
“I’m fine.”
He quickly waved his hand to avoid the hassle of a doctor’s visit. Fortunately, the lady nodded in agreement.
He was alone again. Of course, in a space where he couldn’t speak freely.
‘……It’s frustrating.’
How long would he have to live like this?
Cha Jae-woo had never told him not to go anywhere. But he didn’t want to try anything. He didn’t have the courage to face Cha Jae-woo and talk to him.
* * *
“……He barely eats anything. We can’t force him to eat when he’s struggling.”
Lee Hyeong-sook, who had been taking care of Lim Haeyul lately, shook her head.
Every day, after Lim Haeyul finished his meal, Cha Jae-woo would stand in the kitchen. She was sure it was to check if he was eating properly.
“He’s losing weight because he’s not eating. He was already thin, and now he’s just skin and bones…….”
Lee Hyeong-sook was used to Cha Jae-woo’s silence. She had been taking care of him ever since he stopped living with Cha Seong-ju. Although she couldn’t understand all of his unspoken thoughts, she knew that Cha Jae-woo was worried about Lim Haeyul.
“Aren’t you going to check on him?”
She felt a bit frustrated. Lim Haeyul was rejecting Cha Jae-woo, so she understood the need for caution. Naturally, Lim Haeyul would be afraid of Cha Jae-woo. Even she was sometimes frightened by Cha Jae-woo’s strange abilities and his indifference to the deaths of others.
But there was always a reason behind his actions. While it didn’t excuse everything he did, she believed that if Cha Jae-woo shared his experiences and growth, Lim Haeyul might understand a little. At least, he wouldn’t be suffering so much.
“If you could just talk to him…….”
She was worried about Cha Jae-woo, but she was more concerned about Lim Haeyul. His health was deteriorating, but more importantly, his mental state was worsening.
Although he seemed fine on the surface, he sometimes struggled to breathe, muttered to himself, and often stared blankly out the window. Cha Jae-woo must have noticed this.
“Get some rest.”
She had said this many times before, and as always, Cha Jae-woo left without a word.
Lee Hyeong-sook sighed but didn’t stop him. The one who looked helpless was not her, but Cha Jae-woo.
* * *
As soon as Cha Jae-woo left the kitchen, he found himself standing in front of Lim Haeyul’s room. He had no intention of going in. He knew that his mere presence caused Lim Haeyul distress.
There was no reason for him to be standing there. Even from his own room, Cha Jae-woo could sense Lim Haeyul’s breathing. Yet, he felt more at ease being near his door.
Why was he so anxious? He couldn’t find an answer. Was it because Lim Haeyul wasn’t giving proper guiding? But if that were the case, he should feel weakened and dulled, not on edge like this.
He had spent 18 years without a guide. A few weeks without guiding shouldn’t cause any problems, even if he had been using his abilities a lot.
“Just one more time…….”
“Can you hypnotize me again? Maybe this time…… it will work…….”
Cha Jae-woo slowly closed and opened his eyes. The trembling voice was vivid in his mind—a voice desperate to find a way out, pleading.
He couldn’t pretend he didn’t know what had driven Lim Haeyul to such desperation. Lim Haeyul had said it many times: he hated it, he was scared, he was terrified. Cha Jae-woo had ignored all of it.
Cha Jae-woo’s eyes were lifeless as he stared at the doorknob. He didn’t care what anyone thought. He believed Lim Haeyul would understand him. Or perhaps he believed in the feelings Lim Haeyul had for him, even if they were just a side effect.
“…….”
He needed to be guided. So that Lim Haeyul would love him again. So that all the unnecessary thoughts would be erased, and Lim Haeyul would focus only on him…….
His thoughts naturally flowed in a selfish direction. Cha Jae-woo was always like that. He had never focused on anyone else. He didn’t know how to interact with others to get the results he wanted.
Usually, a little kindness was enough to win someone’s affection. Lim Haeyul had been particularly easy, and that had made things simple. But now, no one was more difficult than Lim Haeyul.
He wanted to turn back time. He wanted to return Lim Haeyul to the way he was before. But the only way he could think of was to force the guiding, to make the side effects stronger.
He knew Lim Haeyul didn’t want that. But as time passed, he found himself thinking that he might have to force the guiding anyway.
But once again, Cha Jae-woo couldn’t act on his thoughts. It wasn’t because he had regained his rationality. Something about Lim Haeyul’s movements seemed off.
He moved towards the window. Then, he seemed to fall to the floor. Before Cha Jae-woo could even process what was happening, he rushed into the room.
“Lim Haeyul!”
He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He couldn’t accept that Lim Haeyul had tried to jump out the window.
Blood dripped from the arm where the IV had been. Lim Haeyul was in Cha Jae-woo’s arms, just moments away from falling out the window. He didn’t struggle or seem surprised. He just breathed quietly.
“……What are you doing…….”
Cha Jae-woo couldn’t bring himself to be angry. Even if the situation had been different, he wouldn’t have been able to.
Lim Haeyul slowly looked up. Lately, he had been acting strangely, staring blankly and muttering to himself. This seemed to be another one of those episodes.
“I was feeling suffocated…… so I wanted to go outside…….”
Lim Haeyul murmured, not seeming to recognize that he was talking to Cha Jae-woo.
“……I wanted to see my friends…….”
“…….”
“I need to prepare for the start of the semester…….”
Cha Jae-woo was at a loss for words.
What could he say? He had been thinking about using the side effects to force the guiding, and now he was faced with this.
“I just…… want to go home now…….”
“…….”
“……I’m sorry…….”
As Lim Haeyul apologized, Cha Jae-woo was reminded of the day he had killed his own parents 18 years ago. He felt a horrible sense of déjà vu, as if he was reliving that moment, destroying someone precious to him.
