―You’re really… I was going to hit you when we meet next, but what? You just start crying out of nowhere?
“Hic, damn… I can’t help it if the tears just start flowing…”
―Damn? Damn?!
“I’m sorry…”
After crying his heart out, Lim Haeyul was left feeling embarrassed. He wiped his tear-streaked face with his phone still in hand. Kim Sol was annoyed, but it was clear he was also worried. At least, that’s how Lim Haeyul felt.
“It’s just… there’s been a lot of confusing stuff happening…”
Kim Sol sighed audibly at Lim Haeyul’s hesitant words.
―What is it? Did something happen? Is Cha Jae-woo giving you a hard time?
Lim Haeyul was about to agree but paused, realizing that what Kim Sol was implying might be different from what he was thinking.
“No, Cha Jae-woo has been really nice to me. He’s considerate and not violent like the news says. He’s been really good to me…”
Actually, he wasn’t that great, but wasn’t this good enough? …No, what am I saying! Lim Haeyul realized he was defending Cha Jae-woo and roughly rubbed his cheek.
―You’re really going out of your way to defend Cha Jae-woo, huh?
Apparently, Lim Haeyul wasn’t the only one who noticed. Kim Sol’s tone had a hint of disapproval.
“No, I’m not taking his side.”
―But you are.
“I’m not.”
―Yes, you are.
“Ugh, come on…”
But as he listened, Lim Haeyul realized Kim Sol wasn’t being harsh because he was defending Cha Jae-woo. He just seemed to want to give him a hard time for suddenly going silent.
Thinking about it that way made Lim Haeyul feel a bit guilty. He didn’t want his guiding method to be exposed, so he thought it was best not to contact Kim Sol.
Actually, he still felt the same way. But the desire to vent about his situation was stronger.
“I really missed you. I wanted to talk to you so badly! But I lost my phone… It’s not like I did it on purpose.”
But he didn’t want to upset Kim Sol, and he felt like Kim Sol might understand, so Lim Haeyul quickly started pleading with him over the phone. His face, wet from tears and now dry, stung as he forced a smile, but he didn’t care.
―Oh, really?
It didn’t seem like Kim Sol was buying it, though.
The coldness in his voice made Lim Haeyul laugh nervously.
“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
―…Right.
“Come on, please? I’m sorry…”
―Fine, what’s up?
“Huh?”
―Tell me why you called. You didn’t just call out of the blue and start crying for no reason, right?
Fortunately, Kim Sol didn’t dwell on it for too long. He seemed to be letting it go, which was good enough for Lim Haeyul.
Lim Haeyul eagerly began explaining his situation to Kim Sol. He talked about the strange sensations he had been feeling around Cha Jae-woo and briefly mentioned what had happened the night before.
He left out the details of how he guided but shared almost everything else. Maybe that’s why he felt a sense of relief.
―So, you had a dream about Cha Jae-woo in the middle of the night—
“Ah! Don’t say it! Just hint at it!”
―What? Really? You actually had a dream—
“I told you not to say it! Yes! I did that! That thing! So don’t be so direct. Please? I’m already going crazy here!”
My desperate efforts seemed to work, as Kim Sol fell silent. However, the embarrassment that had already flushed over me didn’t fade easily. I squirmed, rubbing my face, which must have been bright red.
It was truly unbelievable. So, naturally, I hoped someone could explain why this was happening to me. Why I was feeling this way, why I was acting like this, anyone, please.
But now that I’d said it out loud, I regretted it. It was basically admitting I had feelings for Cha Jae-woo.
He’s a guy, and so am I! I can’t believe I’m discussing this with Kim Sol! Too late, I realized I’d chosen the wrong person to confide in. Maybe I should have just posted about it on some internet forum.
―Haeyul, have you been guiding a lot lately?
It was too late for regrets. But I couldn’t dwell on that now. Kim Sol had brought up guiding, and I needed to focus.
“Uh… yeah, about once a day…”
I couldn’t say I hadn’t been doing it. As long as I didn’t reveal the exact method, it should be fine. There was no way Kim Sol could find out how I guided unless I told him.
―Is that so?
His voice sounded skeptical, and I rolled my eyes nervously. I quickly added,
“I have to, right? I mean, you’ve been going into gates and all, so it must be going well, right?”
Even to my own ears, it sounded like I was rambling nervously.
―Seems like it.
Kim Sol agreed half-heartedly, but the skepticism in his voice remained. I swallowed hard and chose to stay quiet. Overreacting would only make things worse.
―Anyway, you’re still guiding, right?
Why does he keep asking about this? My legs trembled with anxiety. I tried to sound as calm as possible.
“Yes. It’s my job, after all…”
―Then you should know why this is happening. Why don’t you?
“…What?”
―I told you this several times, don’t you remember?
Kim Sol’s voice was tinged with exasperation. Now that I thought about it, he wasn’t trying to pry into what I was hiding; he seemed genuinely concerned.
But I couldn’t think of anything. Why this was happening, what I was supposed to know…
―I told you that you might start to like him.
“…What?”
―No, let me rephrase that. I told you that guiding might make you think you have feelings for your subject.
“Whatever you feel for Cha Jae-woo, it’s because of the guiding. It’s all just an illusion.”
Kim Sol’s words brought back a memory I had almost forgotten. During my training, he had warned me about this.
Guides often think they have feelings for their Espers. He had cautioned me, several times, to be careful.
At the time, I thought it was nonsense. Of course, a guide would worry about their Esper; it’s a natural part of the job. But I also knew that if it were true, it was something I should take seriously.
Or so I thought.
Turns out, I had completely forgotten about it. I was so focused on the situation at hand that I hadn’t even remembered our conversation.
“Ah!”
The moment I understood what Kim Sol was saying, I jumped to my feet. My legs were numb from sitting, but I didn’t care.
Everything made sense now—the racing heart, the trembling, the confusion from last night. It was all because of the guiding. It wasn’t that I was going crazy; this was a normal side effect that any guide might experience.
“Thank you so much. I completely forgot about that!”
―I figured as much.
“I love you. You’re the best. I feel so much better now. So, this is just a side effect of guiding, right? From guiding too much!”
―Well, yes, but—
“I thought I was going crazy. I was so worried about how to face Cha Jae-woo. But if it’s just a side effect, I don’t have to feel so guilty. Right?”
―Well, I wouldn’t go that far…
Kim Sol sounded a bit taken aback, but I was too relieved to notice.
I had been feeling guilty about avoiding Cha Jae-woo. I knew it was rude, but I couldn’t help it. I thought I was afraid of him, that my body’s reactions were because of fear. But now I knew it was because of these feelings, these side effects. It all made so much more sense.
I’ve never been in love before, so I didn’t recognize the signs. But now that I know, I feel so much better.
I quickly left the alley, feeling as light as a feather, the heaviness from before completely gone.
“I’ll call you back later!” I said to Kim Sol.
―Wait, Haeyul. Calm down for a second. What are you planning to do?
“What do you mean? I have to tell Cha Jae-woo! I have to go, so I’ll hang up now! I’ll call you back later, okay? Sorry!”
―Hey, Lim Haeyul!
I heard Kim Sol calling my name, but I didn’t have time to respond. I hung up the phone and rushed back to Kim Geon-ung’s house. I tossed the phone onto the bed where he was still sprawled out sleeping and hurried outside to the waiting car.
Just this morning, I had been desperate to avoid Cha Jae-woo, but now I felt fine. In fact, I felt like I could face him confidently.
I have nothing to be ashamed of.
The way I’m feeling is just a side effect of guiding Cha Jae-woo too much. The dream I had last night, the sudden need to do laundry in the middle of the night—it was all because of this side effect.
If I genuinely had feelings for Cha Jae-woo, it might be different, but this is just a result of guiding. So, I have nothing to feel guilty about.
A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. I was relieved that I no longer had to avoid Cha Jae-woo. I no longer had a reason to, and that thought made me feel a little excited.
