After waking up, I sat on the bed with a blank expression, staring at the ceiling. My mind was racing, trying to figure out what had gone wrong since the early morning.
This can’t be happening. There’s no way this could have happened. I swear, I’ve never woken up from a dream like this and done laundry for such a reason.
‘But is that really the problem?’
It’s not an unusual phenomenon, so the fact that it’s the first time isn’t the issue.
The problem is that I dreamt about Cha Jae-woo. Cha Jae-woo appeared in my dream. I saw Cha Jae-woo in my dream and…!
“Ugh!”
I was sitting cross-legged and suddenly collapsed onto the bed. I was exhausted but couldn’t fall asleep. My mind was so chaotic that I felt like I might go crazy, making it impossible to sleep again.
‘How did this happen?’
The question that had been on my mind since early morning resurfaced.
Was it because I had some pent-up desires, and Cha Jae-woo was the only person I had seen recently? That explanation didn’t make sense. It was a ridiculous thought.
While others were passionate about the opposite sex, I was indifferent, barely hiding my boredom.
I liked women, but I wasn’t the type to lust after them. I was more laid-back. That’s why I had never experienced anything like yesterday until I was twenty-three.
But for my first time to be Cha Jae-woo…
Even if he was the only person I had seen recently, it didn’t make sense. If that were the case, there were plenty of other people who should have appeared in my dreams first.
“……..”
So, what went wrong? Why did this happen to me?
I glared at the innocent door, breathing heavily.
I didn’t know if Cha Jae-woo had left or not. Even without the gate, he seemed to have so much to do that he was rarely home during the day. It was surprising how such an active person could stay home for over a year without any outside activities.
But that’s not the point.
The problem is that I’m so bothered by what happened this morning that I can’t even step out of my room. I don’t know if Cha Jae-woo has left or not.
I couldn’t face Cha Jae-woo. I felt guilty, like I had done something wrong. Well, I had, in a way. I touched him without permission. In my dream, I touched him even more. And then…
“Ugh, I’m going crazy.”
I muttered to myself, something I had been holding back. I had been quiet because Cha Jae-woo might hear, but the situation was too much to bear.
I clenched my jaw and pounded the bed in frustration. I felt suffocated. I couldn’t talk to myself, and I couldn’t share my situation with anyone.
It’s not just about what happened this morning. I had always thought Cha Jae-woo’s behavior was due to fear and terror, but now it seemed strange.
‘When we first met, it wasn’t this bad, was it? Isn’t it too much lately?’
Rumors about Cha Jae-woo’s terrible personality had been around even before I became his Guide. It didn’t make sense that I would suddenly be terrified of him now.
Everything seemed off. I ran my hands through my hair, rubbed my face, and finally got up. I felt like I needed another shower, even though I had already taken one in the morning.
Knock, knock.
“Uh, yes…!”
But before I could take a few steps towards the bathroom, I froze. The thought of Cha Jae-woo knocking on my door made my heart sink.
If I had thought about it a little, I would have remembered that Cha Jae-woo never knocks. However, my confused mind couldn’t process that information.
“I thought you might want something to eat. You didn’t come down for breakfast, and there was no sign of you at lunch either.”
The tension immediately vanished. It was the lady who prepared meals, not Cha Jae-woo. Strangely, I felt a bit disappointed. Why was I disappointed? I couldn’t even understand my own feelings.
“I…….”
I hesitated, not knowing what to say. I was hungry, but I didn’t have the courage to face Cha Jae-woo. I felt like I would blush and want to hide in a mouse hole the moment I saw him.
However, I couldn’t express my feelings honestly. If only there was someone I could confide in. But it was a difficult topic to discuss. It was such an absurd situation.
“Cha Jae-woo has gone out. I was going to set the table, but I’ll tell them not to if you’re not eating.”
“Ah…….”
Fortunately, I didn’t have to worry for long. The lady seemed to understand my situation and added that Cha Jae-woo was not home.
“I’ll come down.”
“Alright, I’ll get everything ready.”
I nodded eagerly.
As soon as I realized Cha Jae-woo was not home, I felt a sense of relief. I dove back onto the bed and muttered to myself, as if to vent my frustration.
“What is this? Why did I have such a dream…?”
I banged my head against the headboard in rhythm with my muttering. I hoped it would make this strange feeling go away, but it only made my heartbeat louder.
I wanted to talk to someone, anyone, about this absurd situation.
I couldn’t hold it in anymore and grabbed my phone. But as I scrolled through my limited, or rather, narrow contacts, I furrowed my brow in frustration.
There was no one. Literally, no one.
I had no one to confide in.
I regretted not having someone to talk to in times like this. Even if I had friends, I wouldn’t have been able to share this. I felt a wave of self-pity.
Thud, thud.
My head hit the headboard a few more times, making a loud noise. Suddenly, a name popped into my mind.
“……..Ah.”
I let out a stupid sigh and quickly got off the bed. I felt a sense of urgency. I had thought of someone suitable to confide in, and my heart raced with anticipation.
Kim Sol.
Yes, Kim Sol. He would be better than my friends. At least Kim Sol would understand what I was going through.
And I trusted him to give me sincere advice. Even if I sounded crazy, he would listen.
Of course, he would be better than anyone else. I got out of bed, left my room, and nodded to myself as I looked around.
To ask Kim Sol, I needed his number. And his number was saved in my old phone, so I had to find my phone first.
I moved quickly, feeling like a bulldozer with a single focus. I hoped Cha Jae-woo hadn’t thrown away my phone.
I cautiously made my way to Cha Jae-woo’s empty room. My heart pounded with the thrill of doing something forbidden for the first time.
* * *
In short, I failed.
I searched Cha Jae-woo’s room, study, and other rooms I didn’t even know existed, but I couldn’t find my phone.
I was nervous about Cha Jae-woo returning or someone else catching me, so I couldn’t search properly. Or maybe Cha Jae-woo really had thrown away my phone. Either way, I couldn’t find it.
But I didn’t give up. I quickly came up with another plan. Cha Jae-woo would not be happy if he found out. Actually, the idea of contacting Kim Sol was wrong from the start.
But I had no choice. I needed someone to talk to, and Kim Sol was the best option. Once I made up my mind, nothing else mattered.
“Phew…….”
So, I ended up here.
Not just anywhere, but at Kim Geon-ung’s place. I knew the passcode since I visited often, so getting in was easy. Plus, he was passed out drunk from last night, making my task even simpler.
I stole Kim Geon-ung’s phone without hesitation and left the house.
I considered using a payphone, but that would have drawn too much attention. I planned to give Kim Sol Kim Geon-ung’s number as my own. I could explain it to Kim Geon-ung later.
“……..”
I let out a long sigh.
Things seemed to be going smoothly. On the way to Kim Geon-ung’s house, I stopped at an old, barely used payphone and called the Guide Association. After giving my name, I asked for Kim Sol’s number, and they gave it to me right away. It was so easy that it felt strange.
Maybe it was because I was also a Guide. It felt like personal information was being handled too lightly, but I decided to ignore it. That wasn’t important right now. Maybe my desperation came through.
Soon, I dialed Kim Sol’s number on Kim Geon-ung’s phone and made the call. I leaned against a telephone pole and squatted down, about 100 meters away from Kim Geon-ung’s house.
With each ring, my legs trembled. What should I ask first? Should I start with a greeting? Or maybe an apology…
―Hello?
“……..Hyung…….”
Despite all my thoughts, what came out first wasn’t a question, a greeting, or an apology.
―What’s wrong? Is that you, Haeyul? Are you crying?
“Waaah, hyung, I, sob, what do I do……!”
To my surprise, as soon as I heard Kim Sol’s voice, all the struggles I had been through flashed before my eyes, and I was overwhelmed with sadness.
In the end, my first greeting was a burst of tears.
