63.
#I’m sorry
After missing school for two full days, Ui-hyeon called, seemingly concerned.
[How sick are you to keep skipping school? You’re the guy who would come to school with a mask on even with a raging fever.]
Knowing that Dawoon wasn’t one to fake illness, Ui-hyeon’s worry grew.
[Don’t tell me you’re seriously ill and had to get surgery or something?]
“As if that would happen.”
A weary laugh escaped at the absurd suggestion.
[With you, I feel like you wouldn’t tell even if you did have surgery.]
Ui-hyeon’s voice sounded grumpy. Dawoon thought he was being relatively open with him, but it seemed Ui-hyeon felt it wasn’t enough.
“If I ever need surgery, I promise I’ll call you first.”
[Shouldn’t you be hoping not to need surgery at all?]
He got serious at the thought of it actually happening, even though he was the one who brought it up.
[What’s really wrong with you? The exams are coming up soon, won’t you be affected if you keep missing lectures? Na-eun even summarized all the lecture content for you.]
“Just. A bad cold.”
There was no way he could tell the truth. Even to himself, it seemed ridiculous to say it was after-effects of sex.
[Seems like you caught a proper cold. You’ll come tomorrow, right?]
“Yeah.”
[If it’s hard, ask the driver to give you a ride. Or ask your brother.]
With exams right around the corner, he couldn’t keep missing school. As things were now, taking the subway to school seemed like it would be torture. Still, he didn’t want to bring the driver along. He disliked the idea of Hayun dropping him off even more. His heart and circumstances were at odds, making everything exhausting.
After ending the call, Dawoon stroked Haram’s head, who was sleeping with his head on Dawoon’s leg. Since yesterday, Haram had refused to leave Dawoon’s side. He even threw a tantrum, refusing his tutor’s lessons to stay by Dawoon’s side, causing trouble for the housekeeper.
‘It’s just this once, so let it be.’
Just as Hayun had done when Dawoon used to throw tantrums about not wanting to study, Dawoon took Haram’s side and had the tutor’s lesson postponed. When he said he’d take responsibility if anyone complained, the housekeeper withdrew without further comment.
‘Brother, does it hurt here?’
When Haram had entered the room before Dawoon changed his shirt, he was shocked to see the marks on Dawoon’s neck. To the child’s eyes, the mottled bruises must have looked serious enough, even without knowing their cause. He even started to tear up, asking if it hurt a lot.
‘It’s okay. It doesn’t hurt.’
He must have said it was fine at least ten times. Still, Haram couldn’t take his eyes off Dawoon’s neck. Only after Dawoon changed into a turtleneck shirt that completely covered his neck did Haram’s gaze finally shift.
Even though the bruises were no longer visible, having already seen them, Haram’s worry didn’t subside. Even when going to the bathroom briefly, he turned back to look at Dawoon and insisted that he should stay lying down. Saying that eating well would help him recover, Haram even insisted on spoon-feeding Dawoon the porridge the housekeeper had left, which led to Dawoon finishing a whole bowl he thought he wouldn’t be able to eat.
Even after that, as if still anxious, Haram tried to stay physically close to Dawoon. It was as if he knew Dawoon had tried to leave this house, which made Dawoon feel bitter.
“I’m sorry.”
The words slipped out as he stroked the sleeping child’s hair. It was a different kind of guilt from what he felt towards Hayun. Haram barely remembered his mother and father’s faces. Although they had shown him photos, perhaps because he had no memories, he didn’t seem to feel any particular attachment.
Sometimes, when they were out, Haram would stare intently at children walking hand in hand with their parents. But then, if Dawoon and Hayun were beside him, he would turn back, grin, and grab both their hands.
If only I hadn’t…
If he hadn’t been born, would Hayun have been spared from being hurt? Their father’s affair might have been inevitable, but at least the ridiculous incident of bringing the child from that affair home on Hayun’s birthday wouldn’t have happened. Even if their father had remarried Dawoon’s mother after Hayun’s mother passed away, Haram, born later, would have grown up loved by their grandfather just as he was now.
It felt like he was the root of all problems. Maybe, because he was born, his father had maintained the relationship with his mother for longer. At least, the accident where both his parents died after his mother went to confront his father because of something Dawoon said wouldn’t have happened.
Perhaps because both his body and mind were so exhausted, his thoughts kept spiraling in negative directions. Even knowing that what’s past cannot be changed, the same thoughts kept repeating to the point of tedium.
His vision blurred, and then teardrops began to fall. When a tear fell on Haram’s face, Dawoon quickly lifted his head to look at the ceiling. He took a deep breath to suppress the surging emotions and wiped away the tears that had fallen on Haram’s face.
I’m sorry. For only thinking about myself.
When he had thought about leaving this house, about not wanting to face Hayun, he hadn’t considered Haram. In that moment, with all his emotions tangled up and his head overwhelmed, he hadn’t had the capacity to think about the Haram he would be leaving behind.
It’s okay. It’s not a big deal.
He had learned, as if it was being carved into his bones, that Hayun didn’t intend to stop at once when he kept embracing him countless times after leaving the bathroom. Probably, he would continue trying to embrace him in the future.
Because Jeong Dawoon belongs to Jeong Hayun.
He hadn’t understood what that meant when he first heard it, but now he was slowly beginning to comprehend. Dawoon was the compensation for what had been taken from Hayun – thinking of it that way, he felt he could somewhat understand Hayun’s actions. This was understanding with his head, not accepting it emotionally. That would be impossible no matter what.
But he had no choice. To stay by Haram’s side, he couldn’t refuse Hayun, whether he liked it or not.
***
He asked for breakfast to be brought to his room. Since he had been having every meal in his room for several days, the housekeeper didn’t ask why. Hayun, who knew the reason, also said nothing. As a result, only Haram insisted on eating with Dawoon, so they had their meal together in Dawoon’s room.
Intending to go to school today, he changed clothes after eating. He chose clothes that could fully cover his neck, but he was still worried that the marks might be visible when he moved.
At this rate, shouldn’t I be wrapped in bandages instead of just wearing a turtleneck?
A bitter smile crossed his face at his reflection in the mirror. If there was any consolation, it was that the marks had faded a bit compared to the first day.
He was already late for broadcasting club activities, but he didn’t rush. He was even considering whether to continue with the club. Even if he had no personal interest in Choi Yu-na, if their grandfathers were trying to match them up, it would be better to avoid any points of contact as much as possible.
Hayun was also on his mind. Thinking back carefully, Hayun had acted differently from usual every time he encountered Choi Yu-na. The first time he had touched him, claiming to teach him about masturbation, was right after he had caught Yu-na when she almost fell down the stairs. When he left kiss marks on his neck, it was after sitting with Yu-na at the bar.
If Choi Yu-na was the trigger for Hayun’s actions, he didn’t want to provoke him by running into her unnecessarily.
His face in the mirror looked calmer than he expected. It was the result of carefully suppressing the tangled emotions of the past few days. At this level, he thought others wouldn’t suspect anything had happened when they saw him.
After reminding Haram to listen well to the housekeeper and tutors for another day, he left the mansion. As if it was natural, Hayun’s car was parked in front of the mansion.
“I’ll drive you.”
Hayun, standing in front of the car, spoke as usual. Yesterday and the day before, when Haram was around, they had to act normally without showing any signs. But now, Haram wasn’t watching.
“No need.”
He flatly refused and started walking. However, before he could take three steps, Hayun grabbed his arm. For a moment, his body instinctively shrank back. Even knowing that Hayun couldn’t do anything outside the mansion with servants coming and going, his body reacted first.
Seeing Dawoon flinch, Hayun let out a long sigh.
“Get in. You can’t take the subway in your current state.”
It was obvious that he would be crushed by people during rush hour. Although the aching all over his body had subsided a lot compared to initially, the inside of his buttocks still felt sore when touched. Even sitting in a chair wasn’t easy.
“Also think about the eyes watching.”
Hayun nodded towards the driver sitting in the car. If Dawoon, who usually accepted Hayun’s offers to drive him to school, were to stubbornly refuse today, it would seem strange. Dawoon frowned at the thought of whose fault that was.
“You’ll get wrinkles on that pretty face.”
Hayun smiled and rubbed the crease between Dawoon’s brows with his finger. It was so similar to before that it was scary. He couldn’t understand how Hayun could act so nonchalantly after what he had done.
“Grandfather isn’t the only scary person.”
Perhaps Hayun was even scarier than their grandfather. Maybe what he had done to Ms. Lim, Haram’s former tutor, and Choi Yu-na was closer to his true nature. The thought that a cold, demonic side might be hidden behind that smiling face sent chills down his spine.
“No matter what you say, just get in. I don’t like seeing you suffer.”
Those words sounded so sincere that it made him choke up. In reality, the one causing him the most pain was Jeong Hayun. Surely Hayun must know this too, yet he was acting so casually that Dawoon wondered if he himself had gone crazy, or if the past few days had just been a terrible nightmare.
