47.
#Did your brother do that?
“No. I’ll stop you.”
“I’ll dry it for you. I felt like doing it after a long time.”
After a long time. Those words made me close my mouth. When we were young, Hayun would always dry my hair. It was so natural that after washing, I’d run to Hayun instead of mother. This habitual behavior continued even after entering middle school. Even though I could dry it myself, Hayun would complain that I was abandoning him now that I’d grown up, so I let him do as he pleased.
Right after our parents passed away, there was a time when I didn’t care about anything other than looking after Haram, especially not taking care of myself. During that time, Hayun really took care of everything for Dawoon. He was also the one who stayed by Dawoon’s side every night when he couldn’t fall asleep.
‘You’re probably the only one who can boss around Hayun oppa like that. You’ve got guts. The heir of Haedo, no less.’
Just before becoming a third-year in middle school, a cousin I met at grandfather’s birthday gathering said mockingly. That’s when I realized I was relying too much on Hayun.
After that day, I started gradually refusing things Hayun offered to do. Although Hayun felt hurt, I thought it was necessary. I couldn’t keep Jeong Hayun as my caretaker forever. Using the excuse of having to look after Haram, I gradually reduced the time I spent with Hayun.
It had been almost four years since he last offered to dry my hair. Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t easily refuse.
“Okay.”
I finally nodded. Hayun seemed satisfied with that answer and lightly smiled, patting Dawoon’s shoulder.
“I’ll change clothes and be in my room.”
Hayun went to his room first. Dawoon stood in the hallway, looking back and forth between Haram’s and Hayun’s rooms before taking a deep breath.
What’s the difference? They’re both family, Haram and brother. It’s no different from me drying Haram’s hair.
Even though I tried to rationalize it that way, for some reason, Hayun’s door felt particularly large and heavy.
***
Knock knock.
After knocking on the door and waiting for a moment, I heard a voice from inside telling me to come in. When I opened the door and entered, I saw Hayun had changed into comfortable clothes.
“What about Haram?”
“He’s asleep. He didn’t even stir when I touched him.”
I stroked the sleeping child’s head while bringing over a sketchbook, but he didn’t move at all. He must have been in a deep sleep, as he didn’t even react when I lightly pinched his cheek.
“When he’s asleep, he’s just like you – someone could carry him away and he wouldn’t know.”
Hayun said with a gentle smile. His words once again confirmed that the way he looked at me was the same as how I looked at Haram.
It was indeed an unnecessary worry. Maybe I took Hayun’s actions too seriously when he meant nothing by them.
“Come here.”
Hayun, sitting on the bed, patted the spot next to him. He was holding a hair dryer in his hand. As I obediently approached him, he gestured with his eyes to the spot beside him again.
When I sat down as instructed, he turned on the hair dryer and gently ran his fingers through my hair, fluffing it up. The warm air from the dryer seeped between the strands of hair.
“Don’t just leave it because it feels warm. Dry it properly. You’ll catch a cold.”
I almost laughed at the light scolding. It was exactly the same, word for word, as what my mother used to say all the time when I was young. Perhaps mother had said the same thing to Hayun too.
After that, there was no more conversation. Dawoon also sat quietly, letting Hayun dry his hair without saying anything. After quite some time had passed, when I felt my head was thoroughly warm, the loud sound of the hair dryer stopped.
Thinking it was over, I tried to turn around, but then I felt something lightly brush my nape.
“The marks are all gone now.”
Hayun’s fingertips touched exactly where the band-aid had been. It wasn’t exactly ticklish, but my shoulders involuntarily tensed up.
“It would have been better if it had gone a little further.”
The moment that soft whisper registered in my brain, my body froze. Even though I had guessed it, Hayun was now directly confirming with his own words what I had been trying to ignore.
Did your brother do that?
Those short words wouldn’t come out. Dawoon bit his lower lip hard, unable to turn around.
“Take your hand away.”
I took a breath and gently pushed Hayun’s hand away. I wanted to pretend I didn’t know. I tried to act like I didn’t understand whatever he had said. I was about to say that I should go to bed now, but before I could even get up, Hayun grabbed my shoulder. This time, I reflexively turned my head.
“Have you done it alone since then?”
I blinked at Hayun’s question.
“Done what…?”
At my stupid question, Hayun’s gaze quietly lowered. When I realized where his gaze had stopped, I felt my face flush with heat. I forcefully pushed Hayun’s hand away and stood up.
“What are you saying!”
When I retorted angrily, Hayun looked up at me and smiled faintly. His expression seemed to say, “Why are you reacting so sensitively?”
At times like this when Hayun acted this way, I wondered if I was the strange one. The more calm he was, the more I felt like I wasn’t normal for being so sensitive.
“I guess not.”
He was certain even though I hadn’t answered.
“I told you not to keep it pent up.”
His following words made me feel choked up. It was uncomfortable to have this kind of conversation with Hayun.
“I’m leaving.”
Not wanting to talk any longer, I turned around. But before I could take a single step, Hayun grabbed my wrist.
“Let go…!”
Before I could even finish telling him to let go, I stumbled from the strong force. I was pulled so easily that I didn’t even have time to be surprised before I fell onto the bed with a thud. My eyes widened as I saw Hayun leaning over me.
“What are you doing?”
I was asking, but I felt like I could already guess what was about to happen. My eyes trembled as they took in Hayun’s face, hoping my guess was wrong.
“I wonder what I’m trying to do.”
Hayun slightly changed my question. When I frowned at his words, he cupped my cheek with one hand. The hot sensation on my cheek made it hard to breathe. So when I turned my head to avoid it, I saw the corners of his mouth curl up slightly.
“I wondered if you’d been on guard for a while.”
His hand slid down, touching the area where the kiss mark had been. The touch that brushed against my skin sent a chilling sensation up my spine.
“So it was really brother who did it?”
The words I had buried deep in my throat suddenly spilled out. I shouldn’t have asked. I immediately regretted it, but it was already too late. Hayun, who had been quietly looking down at Dawoon, slightly curled up the corners of his mouth.
“I’m glad you didn’t suspect it might have been someone else.”
Glad? Dawoon couldn’t believe his ears. He couldn’t understand what Hayun was thinking to say such a thing.
“If you were going to teach me, you should have done it when I was fully conscious.”
Something welled up inside me. The frustration of not understanding him gradually turned into a feeling of defiance. As I glared straight at Hayun while speaking, the smile disappeared from his face. He looked down at Dawoon with an expressionless face, seemingly lost in thought, before the corners of his eyes curved slightly.
“If I teach you, are you willing to learn?”
Dawoon’s eyebrows furrowed at the playful tone.
“Forget it, just move.”
I reached out to push Hayun away, but he immediately grabbed my wrist. Even though he didn’t seem to be using much force, I couldn’t pull my hand away no matter how hard I tried.
“Brother!”
“I told you before, didn’t I? It’s not good to keep things pent up.”
Before he could finish speaking, I felt a pressing sensation down below. Was it because I already knew the stimulation he was giving? Blood rushed downward in an instant.
“Don’t.”
I twisted my whole body, trying desperately to escape from under him. But it was a meaningless gesture. I tried pushing his shoulder with my other hand, but he didn’t budge at all. Meanwhile, Hayun lowered his head and buried his lips in the crook of Dawoon’s neck. The moment I felt his breath on my neck, my body stiffened.
The feeling of my skin being sucked was strange. The dizzying sensation even stopped my struggles to push him away. I wanted to cover my ears at the sound of his lips detaching from the skin they had been firmly latched onto. Even without looking, I could tell that a red mark had been left in the same place as before.
Just as I thought he was pulling away, his hot tongue licked the spot he had bitten. Hik, a moan escaped involuntarily. More startled by my own voice, I covered my mouth with one hand. At that sound, Hayun also stopped moving and raised himself to look down at Dawoon.
Tears welled up in Dawoon’s eyes, making them quiver. The fingertips covering his mouth were trembling slightly.
It was similar to what Hayun had imagined, what he had seen in his dreams someday. Swallowing a bitter smile, he kissed the back of Dawoon’s hand.
“It’s okay.”
What was okay? Even as he said it, a self-deprecating laugh escaped him. Still, he wanted to comfort him. Hayun raised his head and kissed Dawoon’s forehead. When he looked down, he could see his own face reflected in those trembling dark eyes. Even those black eyes, clouded with confusion, looked only lovely to him. He was disgusted with his own selfishness, but he had no intention of stopping.
“It’s not a big deal.”
At these added words, the tears that had been filling Dawoon’s eyes finally trickled down the corners. Hayun kissed the trail left by those tears, again repeating that it was okay.
While lowering one hand to pull down his pants, Dawoon didn’t offer any resistance. He just looked up at the ceiling, breathing heavily.
