# Chapter 3. How to See the Mole on the Back of the Neck
Yeonho’s palm cupped my entire cheek as if he was about to do something. Not content with just that, he slowly traced the curves of my ear with his fingertips. I couldn’t tell whether it was his touch or somewhere else that tickled. Yeonho was not only tall, but his hands were big too. It seemed like everything about him was annoyingly large. Though he was only holding my cheek, it felt like if he wanted to, he could knead me like dough without any effort.
Yet I didn’t have any strange thoughts because I was certain that Yeonho wasn’t gay, didn’t like me, and even if I answered that I had imagined kissing him, he might despise me but would never actually press his lips against mine.
The reason Yeonho was acting this way toward someone like me was just because he was bored—it was merely a passing whim, like last time.
“S-stop it…”
“Stop what?”
“Your hand…”
“Ah, I remember you said you’re very ticklish.”
That wasn’t the problem, but I quickly nodded. However, even though he himself had mentioned that I was ticklish, Yeonho didn’t remove his hand. I tried to remind him again, being specific.
“…I-It’s… ticklish.”
“There was a mole here.”
Yeonho casually ignored my words and moved his hand down to feel the back of my neck. That gave me more goosebumps than when he touched my ear. I lifted my hand from the wall and touched his elbow with my fingertips, but couldn’t grab it properly and just hovered around it. Meanwhile, Yeonho’s face came closer. He seemed to be looking for the location of the mole he mentioned on the back of my neck. I held my breath somehow as Yeonho’s face drew nearer. Perhaps because of that, my heart felt like it was about to burst.
“Found it.”
Yeonho’s voice came right next to my ear. With his scattered laughter, I finally grabbed his arm tightly.
“Seungwoo-ya, your heartbeat is so loud.”
It seems Yeonho heard my heart that was on the verge of exploding.
‘This… This can’t be helped. It’s because you’re too close. It’s all because of you…’
“Ah, what’s this, Yeonho was here!”
A welcome voice was heard from a little further away. It was people who would take Yeonho away. At the sound of someone calling “Hey, Yeonho!” he raised his head.
Only then did I let out the breath I’d been holding all at once. Despite not having done anything, I could barely swallow my panting breath due to my racing heart as I looked up at Yeonho. His gaze had already left me and was directed toward his friends. The conversation between the approaching kids and Yeonho was all about scolding him for not answering their calls.
“Do you know how many times we called you?”
“Yeah, it’s already almost 6 o’clock~”
They kept nagging about how they were supposed to go together today, and why he carried a phone if he wasn’t going to answer it. Even until the end of their nagging, Yeonho didn’t apologize.
‘…If he doesn’t answer the phone, couldn’t they just assume he’s busy and go without him?’
It’s not like Yeonho was obligated to answer their calls.
Once Yeonho moved away from me, I was able to think normally again, and as usual, I criticized his companions.
Yeonho doesn’t truly consider you friends. He just hangs out with you because it’s convenient since you do everything well for him. Even if it’s not you guys right now, there are plenty of people willing to be Yeonho’s doormats, so don’t bother him.
The guys who had seemed like lifelines now felt extremely annoying. I touched my cheek, ear, and nape where Yeonho had touched me, then left the place. Just as I had silently arrived late to school that morning, Yeonho didn’t stop me when I turned my back without a word. He might have seen me leave. Since my back was turned, I couldn’t tell where his gaze was or what expression he had, and the skin Yeonho had touched was so hot that I was too focused on that to check.
I don’t even remember how I got home. I tried everything to see the mole on the back of my neck in the bathroom mirror, then gave up.
‘If those guys hadn’t found Yeonho, what would he have done next? What would he have said?’
I was so bothered by it that I stayed up until dawn searching on my phone, asking stupid questions like “What does it mean when a classmate strokes your cheek and neck?”
***
I had to thank the heavens that today was Saturday. I was thinking about yesterday’s events until I fell asleep, and even in my dreams, Yeonho appeared. In the dream, I kissed Yeonho. It was too vivid for a dream.
Yeonho was as gentle as he was kind. With his large hand completely covering the back of my neck, he pulled me close and very gently sucked on my lips. By the time my dry lips had become moist, embarrassingly, the sounds of kissing spread in my ears.
In reality, I was so timid that I couldn’t even properly grab his arm, but in the dream, I was bold. Did I think it was just a dream anyway? In the dream, I hugged Yeonho’s neck and even stood on my tiptoes.
Because of our height difference, even with me doing that, Yeonho had to bend down a lot. The gentle kiss didn’t end there but extended a bit more. When I awkwardly licked his lips with my tongue, Yeonho laughed deeply. Yeonho, who had been watching to see how far I would go, finally put his tongue into my mouth first.
I didn’t know kissing could feel so good. The act of sharing each other’s saliva might seem dirty in some ways, but kissing Yeonho wasn’t like that.
Yeonho’s lips from the dream tormented me all weekend.
I was so startled whenever anyone in my family even mentioned the word “lips” that I later even got a cold. I dropped three cups, one of which was a glass cup my mom cherished. Of course, it shattered into pieces, and chaos ensued.
My older sister, who had come home after a long time, treated me like a patient, sat me on the living room sofa, covered me with a blanket, and even brought two cushions, saying I really should lie down, then made me lie down. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my sister, who came to me with a worried face saying, “Little one, if you have any worries, tell your sister everything,” that it was because I had dreamed of kissing a boy from my class.
Even as my worried family gathered around me one by one, chatting warmly, my mind was completely filled with thoughts of Yeonho, about Yeonho, and regarding Yeonho.
“Are you sure nothing’s wrong at school?”
Perhaps because I was thinking about Yeonho and couldn’t answer properly, my younger sister suddenly asked accusingly while flipping through TV channels. At my sister’s question, the eyes of all family members who had been having their own conversations turned to me.
“…Yeah, nothing’s wrong.”
“Then why have you been acting like this since yesterday?”
“What am I…”
“Don’t tell me you’re getting beaten up again for being awkward?”
Maybe because I once came home after being hit by seniors who were a year above me in middle school, my younger sister always raised her radar in that direction at the slightest thing.
Honestly, even then, it wasn’t just me who got hit; it was seniors who were firmly caught up in middle school syndrome who went around to first-year classes, calling out only the boys and hitting them in the name of maintaining discipline, so it wasn’t particularly because I acted awkwardly.
“It’s not that…”
“You talk so well at home, but at school, you don’t say a word. Try doing half of what you do at home. The teachers and kids would find you super cute.”
I was about to retort angrily at my sister’s words. I had no desire to act cute to be adored, and I do speak at least a bit. Just yesterday, I talked with Yeonho, with Yeonho…
Yeonho’s laughter that came to mind again prevented me from saying anything in response, and I pulled the blanket my older sister had brought me over my head.
I felt a tightness below my chest even though I hadn’t done anything. Yeonho could do this to me with just the sound of his laughter.
In the dark under the blanket, I alternately stroked my upper and lower lips with my hand, just as the Yeonho in my dream had done. It wasn’t thrilling or hot at all.
‘…Of course.’
Somehow, the action itself became too embarrassing, so I closed my eyes with all my might.
‘I don’t know if Yeonho did something wrong, or if I’m the strange one.’
In the end, I fell asleep without sorting out the thoughts spinning in my head. Fortunately, Yeonho didn’t appear in my dreams a second time.
Even after waking up, I overlaid images of Yeonho and myself onto the main characters kissing in the drama my sister was watching, and on my way back from the supermarket on an errand for my mom, I frantically fled when I saw a man and woman clinging to a wall, unable to separate.
After spending the weekend like that, until I left home to go to school the next day, I was deeply troubled by the question, “How do I face Yeonho?”
Even though Yeonho wouldn’t know that I had dreamed of kissing him anyway. Like a criminal with a guilty conscience, I made plans to prepare for any situation where I might be left alone with Yeonho or if he approached me to talk.
‘First, I’ll stall as much as possible in the morning before entering the classroom. And it would be good to tell the teacher that my eyesight has worsened, so I can move to the very front row. During breaks, I’ll pretend to be asleep so he can’t talk to me, and when the final homeroom ends, I’ll leave the classroom immediately without lingering.’
As far as plans go, this was all I could do. We’re in the same class anyway, so it’s not like we won’t encounter each other even if I try to avoid him.
And surprisingly, this plan was quite effective. For several days, Yeonho couldn’t approach me to talk. No, actually, Yeonho seemed indifferent.
On Monday, I didn’t realize it because I was trying to reduce the number of times I looked at Yeonho for fear of our eyes meeting, secretly glancing at him, but on Tuesday, even when I looked openly, situations where our eyes met didn’t occur. The only time Yeonho passed near me was when he used the back door of the classroom, and even when I was on errands for the teacher to the faculty office in the old building, like last Friday, I didn’t see him.
My heart, which had been pounding just at the sight of Yeonho because of the kiss in the dream, naturally cooled down. My head, which had been dreamy while creating hypotheticals with “maybe,” also quieted. It was a somewhat sad feeling. It was stifling, like the center of my chest was being constricted, and it also ached.
The more I looked at Yeonho’s face, the worse it got, until eventually, it became difficult to even look at his face. When I lay in bed at night trying to sleep, tears came automatically, and I no longer heard Yeonho’s laughter or his whispering-like voice.
I never thought I’d end up acting the same way as protagonists in dramas or movies who looked pathetic as they suffered after being rejected.
The desire to be special seemed to be bigger than I thought. It was so pathetic. Of course, he was a perfect being with nothing to regret, but I wasn’t like that.
I hated myself for trembling at just one glance, one word, one gesture from Yeonho.
If he knew I had such a dream and had such absurd fantasies, Yeonho would surely mock me.
No, if it’s him, he might even ignore it knowing.
There are already so many guys trying to catch Yeonho’s eye, so he might be tired of it too.
‘Was I such a fool with no learning effect?’
Once again, I had no choice but to realize how trivial and distant I was to Yeonho.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
