# Chapter 11. I Wish It Were All Real
I kissed Woo Yeonho. It was even the second time, and the place was actually outside. When Yeonho pressed his lips against mine, I froze in that moment and fell into deep confusion.
‘Does Yeonho normally kiss his friends like this too?’
I heard that in foreign countries, people kiss as a greeting. But this isn’t a foreign country, and Yeonho and I aren’t even friends, are we? Did he find my reaction amusing last time and wanted to tease me again? Even so, would he kiss me in the middle of the street where anyone could see just to tease me? What if someone saw us? Rumors might spread that Yeonho likes men. But that’s not true. But was he really just teasing me? This time he even licked… my lips several times with his tongue, as if tasting them…
‘No, no… why does he keep kissing me?’
I heard that in foreign countries, people kiss as a greeting. But this is Korea, and Yeonho and I aren’t even friends…
I didn’t even realize I was repeating what I had just thought and eventually gave up thinking altogether. Yeonho was right in front of me, and he kept touching me, so I couldn’t concentrate. My heart was beating too fast. Yeonho was doing no good for my possibly diseased heart. Rather, he was a villain causing harm. And soon, that villainous Yeonho’s hand stroked the nape of my neck.
“…Hik…”
It was so ticklish that I made a strange sound without realizing it. I shrank my neck like a turtle and defended against Yeonho’s hand so he couldn’t touch my nape. Without a mirror I couldn’t be sure, but I must have looked ridiculous to Yeonho.
“Your face looks like it’s about to explode, Seungwoo.”
After kissing me as he pleased, Yeonho said this with a face that was beyond calm—it was brazen. I felt indignant that to Yeonho, a mere kiss was something precious to me that I’d barely do even in dreams, something that made my heart nearly stop with longing. I needed to respond, but whenever I tried to speak, my throat would close up, and only after taking a moment to catch my breath could I slowly open my mouth.
“What if… what if someone saw…”
“It’s okay. Nobody saw us.”
“L-liar…”
“I’m not lying. Seungwoo, don’t you trust me?”
I don’t trust you! Yeonho kept laughing, giving nonsensical answers before I could even finish speaking. I wasn’t sure if I was talking to a pre-programmed computer or the living, breathing Yeonho. When I didn’t answer, Yeonho lowered his head again and belatedly asked.
“Can I do it again?”
Facing Yeonho who was now shamelessly asking after already doing whatever he wanted, I shook my head vigorously, risking a neck strain. Fortunately, Yeonho’s lips didn’t meet mine again, but his villainous hands that were bad for my heart remained attached to me, refusing to let go. Far from letting go, they stayed as if they had no intention of doing so, and their touch remained leisurely and comfortable.
With my perfect defense of my neck, his hand now tickled my ear as softly and persistently as if holding a feather. I wondered if he had what people commonly call a fetish. Everywhere Yeonho’s hands touched became unbearably ticklish, and after enduring and enduring, I finally squeezed out words in a voice that barely came out.
“S-stop it…”
Yeonho completely ignored my voice, which trembled so much that even I thought it sounded pitiful.
“Ah…”
Yeonho sighed in a voice so small it was barely audible. I was the one who wanted to do that, but he was the one sighing. Yeonho, who was now standing facing me, fiddled with my disheveled hair at the back instead of my turtle neck and muttered.
“Why are you so damn cute.”
His voice was so quiet that I don’t think anyone but me could have heard it.
‘What’s cute? I’m barely standing because of him…’
Feeling indignant, I rolled my eyes trying to find what he thought was cute. I lifted my turtle neck slightly and turned my head this way and that looking for something worthy, when I heard ticklish laughter.
“What are you looking for so intently?”
“…Nothing…”
Yeonho pinched both my cheeks and shook them with a bright smile on his face as he said.
“Are you this cute with other people too?”
He said this while making a face as if I were truly lovable.
“Ah…”
Before I could answer that, I suddenly thought how nice it would be if all of this—Yeonho’s face right now, his eyes looking at me, his gentle voice and pretty smile—were all real.
‘How wonderful would that be?’
No. The word ‘wonderful’ alone couldn’t adequately explain how full and overflowing my heart felt right now—no expression seemed sufficient.
How do people love each other like in dramas? What does that feel like? How do I make him like me? To make Yeonho see only me, to make this guy like me…
The spot just below my chest throbbed so painfully that I tightened my stomach and took a deep breath. It was absolutely impossible. I wasn’t pretty, I was a guy, and I wasn’t even particularly smart. Even if I were a woman, I don’t think Yeonho would care about me, so there’s no way he would like me as a male. No matter what I did, Yeonho would never, ever like me.
“Why are you about to cry again all of a sudden?”
Yeonho asked, hiding the smile from his face that had been laughing all along. The hands that had been pinching my cheeks now warmly cupped my face. I wasn’t crying and wasn’t trying to, but Yeonho was talking nonsense.
“Did you hate it that much? Are you anxious that someone might have seen?”
“…I’m not crying…”
My nose felt tingly, making my voice sound a bit strange. Somehow my throat felt a bit hoarse too, but I still wasn’t trying to cry. Yet Yeonho kept insisting.
“Seungwoo, your eyes are red right now.”
“No… T-this is just…”
“Were you very surprised?”
“…”
“I’m sorry.”
Yeonho apologized. I felt like I knew what the apology was for, but also didn’t.
‘For playing a prank to tease me? Or for not liking me?’
Either way, the miserable feeling was the same. Yeonho rubbed under my eyes with his thumb. It felt damp—had it started raining without me noticing?
Because of that, Yeonho’s face, which I saw after briefly closing and opening my eyes, looked awkward. The face that always had a beautiful smile now didn’t contain even a trace of a smile and just looked indifferent. It looked exactly like how he appeared when viewed from afar. Like the Yeonho who always hung around with others but remained distinctly separate.
‘…No. Rather than that, it’s a bit more… What kind of expression is it? It’s a face I’ve never seen before.’
So I got scared suddenly. I removed Yeonho’s hand as if scratching it off and rubbed my eyes roughly as I said.
“I… I’ll go home now…”
“Wait a moment, Seungwoo.”
“Y-you should go h-home quickly too.”
In the end, I ran away frantically, leaving Yeonho behind. I think I ran even faster than when I ran to the school gym today. When my legs started to feel heavy, I ran even faster fearing Yeonho might chase after me. I crossed the narrow street ignoring traffic signals, and in the alley, I almost collided with a bicycle that suddenly appeared. I sprinted the not-so-short distance at full speed as if running a 100-meter dash, and when I arrived home, my heart hurt like it was about to burst. Ignoring my mom’s small voice from the main bedroom asking if I had a good day, I locked my bedroom door before finally gasping for breath.
“Haa… Haa…”
Something like the aftereffects of running while enduring the difficulty hit me all at once, and I just slumped down with my back against the door. Burying my face between my arms seemed to calm me down a bit. I stayed like that until my metallic-sounding breaths settled down calmly.
When I looked up, I saw through the uncurtained window that it was completely dark outside. Only then did I think of Yeonho.
‘He must have been taken aback?’
I shouldn’t have left like that. I should have waited just a little longer, said goodbye, and then parted ways. Why did Yeonho have to do something like kiss me? Why did he have to act so affectionate? Why did he treat me like I was special?
It was all Yeonho’s fault. The fact that I couldn’t think of anything but Yeonho right now was all Yeonho’s fault.
I really didn’t feel like going to school tomorrow.
***
Even with my mood hitting rock bottom, I was still hungry. I tried not to give in when my older sister tempted me from the living room saying she had bought pizza, but somehow there was pizza in my hand and cool cola going into my mouth.
‘Whatever, what’s Yeonho anyway.’
Even without Yeonho specifically, there were many things that could raise my happiness index. Just filling my stomach with something delicious like now could make me as happy as eating meals with Yeonho and having nutritionally empty conversations.
‘…I wonder if Yeonho eats pizza? He didn’t eat hamburgers.’
He might not eat any of those kinds of foods at all.
‘That’s why he’s so tall and has such a good body…’
Without realizing it, I looked down at my own stomach. Hidden under clothes, it was a childish body without any muscle at all. I suddenly felt embarrassed thinking about how unfavorable the comparison would be if I stood next to Yeonho.
“Aren’t you going to eat more?”
“I’m done eating.”
“You didn’t even finish one slice? And you skipped dinner too.”
“…It doesn’t taste good.”
The eyes of my family members looking at me couldn’t have been wider.
Did I say something strange? Did I accidentally say something about Yeonho without knowing it? But I didn’t. I hadn’t even mentioned the ‘Woo’ in Woo Yeonho. My younger sister was tactless so she probably wouldn’t know, but did mom know?
“…Why are you looking at me like that?”
“No… it’s the first time I’ve seen you say something doesn’t taste good…”
“Is our son sick somewhere?!”
Finding myself suddenly treated like a patient, I gave up my remaining slice of pizza to dad and returned to my room. Without even turning on the light, I lay face down on the bed and rubbed my face all over the blanket. Mom had put on new bedding because the weather had gotten warmer, and the blanket had a faint smell of having been dried in the sun. That smell made me feel really comfortable. After blinking a few times, I just completely closed my eyes.
Were my eyelids always this heavy? I should apologize to Yeonho for suddenly leaving. Even though it was all his fault, I shouldn’t have left like that. Should I send a message? He might not answer a call. He might be angry. If I apologize at school tomorrow, will he accept it? What if Yeonho pretends not to know me?
‘…Ah, I don’t know. My head hurts and my stomach hurts.’
I probably got sick from eating all of Yeonho’s ice cream too. I decided to use my stomachache as an excuse to postpone apologizing to Yeonho until tomorrow.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
