It hadn’t even been two weeks since I regressed. I was still suffering from terrible nightmares due to that moment when I went berserk, and the wounds Joo Seolhyeon had given me remained unhealed, yet I was already thinking about taking responsibility for a future that hadn’t even arrived. Contracting with temporary guides to prevent going berserk, worrying that the changed future might affect my younger sibling, wanting to be happy in the midst of it all, but pushing people away for fear of getting hurt again and suffering because of it. I truly didn’t give myself a moment’s rest.
‘I suffered so foolishly.’
But these weren’t things I could immediately do anything about. And the future had already begun to change from what I knew. Even though it was already out of my hands, I was still trying to shoulder everything alone.
‘Unnecessarily.’
After meeting the 22-year-old Joo Seolhyeon, “I” had become a mess, and now I needed to prioritize myself.
‘I don’t have to endure anymore, and I don’t need to hide.’
Once my thoughts cleared, the answer was so simple that it was right in front of me.
I lifted my hanging arms and wrapped them around Yang Garam’s back as he held me. I could feel his back tense at my sudden touch.
I whispered sincerely to him, who had stayed quietly by my side without asking anything.
“Thank you, Garam.”
Now there was a guide who truly cared about me, telling me not to suffer alone anymore.
As long as they were here, the unhappy future would never come. I felt certain of that.
“For being by my side.”
It wasn’t just Yang Garam. There were also Do Wonjin and Jeong Seyeon. Their existence was crumbling the world of Joo Seolhyeon that I had built up over five years.
‘I can’t leave out Jeonghyun either.’
A life with many things to protect tends to have many attachments. I sincerely wanted to live my current life without regrets. To do that, it was time for me to approach those I had built walls against. They weren’t people I needed to keep at a distance, but precious connections that would become my solid fence.
And to do that, there was one relationship I needed to resolve.
‘Whether we’ll be fated or ill-fated in this life, I’ll find out soon enough.’
After finally detaching Yang Garam, who was clutching my waist and refusing to let go because he was moved by my words, I stood in front of Joo Seolhyeon’s door. Now that my mind was clear, I didn’t feel as nervous as before. I took a light deep breath and knocked on Joo Seolhyeon’s door.
“It’s Woo Jeongjae.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, the door opened immediately as if he had been waiting.
“Come in.”
He had told me to come to his room later, but I hadn’t expected Joo Seolhyeon to readily let me into his space. I hesitated for a moment, then walked past him as he stepped aside by the door and entered the room.
As I briefly looked around Joo Seolhyeon’s room, which was smaller than mine but larger than the rooms on the first floor, I heard the door close behind me with a thud.
“I didn’t ask you to come sightseeing. Why don’t you sit down?”
Though he didn’t have obsessive-compulsive disorder, he extremely disliked others touching his things. This level of reaction was relatively mild, so I nodded obediently and followed him, sitting across from him at the table. I was facing Joo Seolhyeon directly, but unlike before, my emotions toward him weren’t overwhelming me.
“What did you want to say?”
Since he said he had something to tell me, I planned to just listen and leave.
Moreover, there was no connection between Joo Seolhyeon and me now. I had casually thought he might talk about guiding me during missions, nothing more.
“Why do you dislike me?”
But his direct question caught me off guard, making me forget I was in front of Joo Seolhyeon.
“Isn’t this your first time seeing me?”
“That’s my line, Mr. Joo Seolhyeon. Don’t you think you disliked me first?”
After quickly regaining my composure, I asked incredulously, and Joo Seolhyeon rested his chin on his hand and looked at me crookedly.
“That’s true. But you have no reason to.”
For someone openly expressing dislike to my face, his expression was remarkably calm. He seemed to imply that while he might dislike me, I shouldn’t dislike him, and I swallowed the bitter taste rising in my throat before answering.
“By that logic, you have no right to speak either. We just met, so why do you dislike me?”
I was answering calmly, but my fingertips were growing colder and colder.
The question I asked him was one that had never left my mind thousands, tens of thousands of times during those five years.
Why did Joo Seolhyeon dislike me?
If I had confessed to him, asked him to like me, it wouldn’t feel this unfair. I had never been greedy for him. That is, I never expressed my feelings to him or asked him to like me. The only thing I ever wanted from him was one thing: even if he disliked me, please don’t leave. Despite suffering from severe guiding deficiency, the simple fact that he was my exclusive guide allowed me to endure those painful times.
Perhaps Joo Seolhyeon knew too. That as long as he didn’t terminate the exclusive guide contract, I would tacitly accept all his actions. That’s why he stayed by my side for five years, but it was Joo Seolhyeon who broke this implicit rule we had established.
The feelings I had barely managed to control began to stir again.
Strictly speaking, the Joo Seolhyeon in front of me wasn’t the one who had drained me for five years. Nevertheless, I wanted to hear his answer. The real reason for his hatred beyond dislike. It wouldn’t be absolution, but still a glimmer of hope.
“Do you need a reason to hate someone?”
I had been anxiously awaiting his answer, and when Joo Seolhyeon lowered his gaze and spoke dismissively, I mocked myself for having even momentary expectations. It was an answer that made a fool of me who had attributed all sorts of reasons on his behalf for five years. Emptiness swept through my chest, and the last thread holding me broke. It was the end of a futile one-sided love.
I was the one who needed a reason, not him.
If I had known he would answer so easily, I would have gathered the courage to ask at least once.
‘Well, what use is it now? It’s not like what happened can be undone.’
When I had nothing, his existence seemed significant, but after regressing, I had many things. My one and only sibling, guides I could trust and rely on. The frog in the well already knew that the palm-sized sky wasn’t the real sky.
“I’d like to give you the same answer.”
I returned the answer I received to his question. My unsettled emotions mixed into my tone, making it slightly sharp, but surprisingly, Joo Seolhyeon showed no reaction. Or perhaps he hadn’t expected my answer in the first place.
‘Of course. Someone like Joo Seolhyeon wouldn’t seriously listen to my answer.’
I swallowed a short sigh and opened my mouth to put a period on this meaningless conversation.
“If you’re done, I’ll be going now.”
“Wait.”
I was surprised at how calm my voice sounded, as if wondering if the words had really come from my mouth, but I was even more surprised when Joo Seolhyeon stopped me as I stood up.
For a moment, I almost stupidly asked him to repeat himself, unable to believe that a regretful sound had come from his mouth.
“I have something to say, so sit down.”
I looked down at his face without sitting down. His furrowed brow. His anxiously trembling eyes. Joo Seolhyeon was now responding to my every action.
‘Why?’
The him in my memory maintained the attitude of blatant disregard that he had shown at our first meeting. I tried to somehow reverse that indifference, but the more I tried, the further his heart drifted away. The terribly cold gaze whenever he looked at me later changed to undisguised contempt and disillusionment, and I had to unilaterally bear his endless hatred.
‘Come to think of it, it’s strange that he moved in right away since we’re living together.’
After signing the exclusive guide contract with him, I packed my bags the next day and moved into the house where I would live with him, but I couldn’t see Joo Seolhyeon’s face. Judging from the presence of his luggage, it seemed he had moved in too, but I couldn’t see his face the next day either. I could only infer that he was living with me based on the occasional changes in the positions of objects. And a week after the contract, when I almost went berserk during the first mission, I was finally able to properly see Joo Seolhyeon’s face.
Yet that same person had been at home from the first day of living together with the temporary guides, and had exchanged words with me. Now he had even called me to his room for a conversation. Things I hadn’t been able to think of because I became emotional whenever I saw Joo Seolhyeon began to appear as the spark died down and my vision cleared.
“I said sit down.”
Joo Seolhyeon uttered one more word to me who was still standing, and I realized that his words were clearly mixed with emotion. And for some reason, I felt like laughing.
‘Would you look at that?’
I had trembled and been hurt by his every word and glance, but the situation was taking a strange turn. I was extremely rational, while he was extremely emotional.
“Mr. Joo Seolhyeon.”
Rather than doing as he said, I leaned on the table and called his name. As Joo Seolhyeon raised his face, I tilted my head slightly and said,
“You’ve been speaking informally since earlier, but that’s not how you make a request.”
Sparks flew in Joo Seolhyeon’s eyes, but I didn’t stop there.
“As a person, I find that attitude very unpleasant. And from now on, if you have something to say, come directly to my room. Don’t order people around.”
It was a strange thing.
Even Joo Seolhyeon’s cold eyes filled with contempt had hurt me so much, yet now, seeing those eyes burning with indignation because of me no longer pained me.
‘No reason to dislike me? What an absolute asshole.’
I cursed inwardly while outwardly wearing a smile.
“I like smart people like you, Mr. Joo Seolhyeon. You understand what I mean, right?”
In other words, don’t actually think about coming to find me when I tell you to. I left those words behind and leisurely walked out of the room, leaving him there.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
