#049
Yechan hated Jiwoon. He hated him so much that tears poured out from his sorrow. With his fever exceeding 39 degrees, Yechan’s eyes continued to shed tears.
Yechan’s mother’s hands trembled as she looked at her son, who remained listless despite proper treatment and medication. And what the mother who had held Yechan’s hand and stayed by his side all night faced was Yechan, who continued to shed tears silently even after waking up.
“Yechan-ah. What’s really wrong with you? Did something happen?”
His mother gripped Yechan’s hand tightly. Finding his mother with a face full of worry, Yechan stared at her blankly. There was no expression on Yechan’s face.
“What’s wrong, Yechan-ah? Hm?”
“Mom.”
Yechan, who usually called her “mother,” was now calling for “mom” while sobbing as if he had returned to his childhood, and it broke her heart.
Yechan kept crying.
“Yechan-ah.”
“Mom.”
“Yes. Mom is right here, Yechan-ah.”
Yechan saw his mother cry for the first time in a very long while. The tears that had been flowing helplessly grew even more voluminous.
“I’m in pain.”
“What happened? To you.”
Acute lower respiratory tract infection. Malnutrition. The mother’s heart was devastated seeing her crying son.
What good is being a doctor if I can’t even properly take care of the one child I have? The mother had been greatly shocked by her son’s noticeably haggard face when she encountered Yechan, who had been brought by ambulance with a burning fever.
She thought he was doing well. Even when his academy class placement dropped a level, even when he lost weight, she believed it was just temporary stress. She had forgotten that all of this was because Yechan had always done well for her.
“Mom…”
“Yes, tell me. It’s okay.”
“…There’s someone who is my first, my first everything… but now that person is gone. What should I do?”
At the words spoken by Yechan with unfocused eyes, his mother couldn’t say anything for a while.
After a moment, tears welled up in his mother’s eyes. Everything she felt from Yechan’s eyes, expression, actions, and words was pointing to one single conclusion. Her heart crumbled completely.
“You… fell in love.”
Yechan stared at his mother blankly. Tears dripped from his mother’s eyes.
It must have been first love. And it would be his first heartbreak. It would be beautiful and precious yet painful for sure, and his mother felt hurt.
However, she barely managed to compose herself and answered extremely rationally. She was his mother. And she was an adult. She had to be able to show the way to a lost child.
“If that person isn’t there, there are two ways. Find them, or give up.”
The moment he heard those words, Yechan’s eyes sparkled. Seeing Yechan’s gaze, his mother wiped away her tears and smiled slightly, lifting the corners of her mouth.
“Yechan-ah. Mom is always on your side. Do whatever you want to do.”
His mother raised her hand and arranged Yechan’s sweat-soaked bangs. Soon, the mother who had wiped away Yechan’s tears patted him gently.
“First, eat well, rest well, and get better. Think about it after you recover. You know well that if you lose your health, everything becomes useless.”
“…Yes.”
The mother who had gotten up hugged the sitting Yechan’s head. It was her son she was hugging after such a long time. Without her knowing, Yechan had grown up so much.
“…It’s okay. It will be okay. Yechan-ah, it’s okay.”
Yechan cried silently for a long time in his mother’s arms. His mother only left after Yechan had fallen asleep.
Yechan, who woke up abruptly in the middle of the night, lay still without moving for a long time. His mother’s words wouldn’t leave his ears.
You fell in love. Yechan, who had been staring blankly into space, quietly picked up his phone. As with actions ingrained in his body, his fingers opened the message window with Jiwoon all too easily.
There was a birthday notification on the messenger. January 12th. Today was Lee Jiwoon’s birthday.
Me: Happy birthday.
Yechan added another message to the chat window that wouldn’t be read. Tears flowed down silently once again.
Yechan, who had put down his phone, looked up at the hazy hospital ceiling.
…So that’s what it was.
Yechan didn’t know love. Throughout Yechan’s life, all his needs had been met. And this was no exception for desires as well.
Like Jiwoon, Yechan’s life was easy. So easy that it was boring.
This was the same in relationships. He had never truly liked someone, nor had he ever had emotional exchanges. It was natural since he had neither the need nor the desire to do so.
And so, Seo Yechan didn’t know love.
Yechan clenched his fist so hard that his nails dug in. He was angry at himself. Like an idiot, I only realized it now.
Lee Jiwoon, who had now faintly disappeared, had been by his side for a long time. He had been where he looked, where his hands could reach. But only Yechan didn’t know that.
Terrible regret swept over Yechan. A sob burst from his mouth.
Jiwoon’s face smiling at him came to mind. He missed him to death. His breath was completely blocked. Yechan barely managed to breathe in.
The love he realized only after losing had already devoured Yechan. His entire world was Lee Jiwoon.
Love looked at him and giggled, saying he was ridiculous. Yechan writhed in flesh-cutting self-hatred, then soon shuddered at the terrible sense of helplessness.
Thought was consumed by emotion. He had no confidence in any of the methods his mother had mentioned. For the entire two days he was hospitalized, Seo Yechan cried silently for the longest time since he was born.
* * *
After being discharged, it was the weekend. His mother took time off and personally took care of Yechan from head to toe.
She didn’t ask anything. She just provided appropriate meals and treatment to Yechan with a kind and gentle attitude.
Yechan recovered slowly. He woke up, ate, and took medicine. Then, following his mother’s recommendation, he moved his body moderately.
Habit led Yechan. He familiarly opened the problem book placed on his desk and solved problems. The mathematical solutions he wrote down were exactly as Jiwoon had taught him.
“Are you okay? You ignored all our messages so we thought something happened!”
“Yechan-ah, you lost too much weight.”
Taehyun and Minho, who had been sending messages continuously while Yechan was hospitalized, poured out worried words as soon as they met Yechan on Monday morning. Then they looked at Yechan and kept sighing deeply.
Taehyun, who had been looking at Yechan’s chapped lips, took out a thermos from his bag. He poured out the contents and offered it. It was warm barley tea.
“Mom gave it to me. I said I wouldn’t take it and got smacked on the back… I’m glad I brought it.”
“Thanks.”
Yechan took the barley tea Taehyun offered. The steaming barley tea was savory.
Yechan tried to focus on the present. Of course, even while attending classes and studying, regret and longing continued to surge up from within him. Yechan was in pain but left it as it was.
During lunch time, Seungwoo, who had been looking at Yechan with concern, shared his sausage. At that, Yechan smiled a little. Somewhere at the table across from them, Jiwoon’s afterimage flickered.
“I didn’t see you so I asked the teacher. They said you were sick.”
“Yeah.”
It was the first time attending the academy in several days. Cha Yewon, who met him in the hallway, stopped Yechan.
“You lost a lot of weight. Your class placement too… are you really okay?”
“I’m okay.”
At Yechan’s obvious lie, Yewon felt anxious. Yechan was a reliable friend who had agreed to prepare for Korea University entrance exams together with her.
But that Yechan was wavering. Yewon, who sighed once, put both hands on her waist.
“I don’t know if this is my place to say, but if you keep being stubborn like this, I’ll also be at a loss. I’ll just say one thing. We don’t have time, Seo Yechan.”
Yewon felt sorry for Yechan. Was he very unwell? Was he under severe stress? But whatever the cause, the only conclusion was that they were exam candidates.
Yewon sincerely wanted to do well on the entrance exams together with Yechan. Although his personality was a bit lacking, in the exam battlefield full of competitiveness and sensitivity, Seo Yechan was at least a comrade who could provide some breathing room.
Yechan was sincere and tough but not evil. And Yewon quite liked that aspect of Yechan’s character. Of course, that was only as a friend – as a romantic partner, it was absolutely out of the question!
“I don’t know what your problem is, but solve it quickly. Don’t get eaten up by the problem in front of you, waste all your time, and end up not even being able to mark other problems and ruining your life.”
Yewon, who had narrowed her eyes fiercely, spat out subtle harsh words. Yechan, who had been listening calmly, asked.
“…Solve it?”
“Yes. You have to solve it. You can do it, right? There’s no problem in the world without an answer. Unless there are too many answers and you get confused!”
If there’s a problem, just solve it. Yechan thought of Jiwoon’s face, who had once said similar words.
Yewon patted Yechan’s shoulder, who remained silent, and continued speaking.
“Cheer up. You can do it. Let’s do well, okay? We’ve been living hard until now, haven’t we.”
Yechan, who had been looking at Yewon speaking seriously with sparkling eyes, quietly blinked. Cha Yewon was running toward her dream.
With full power, doing her best, Yewon was therefore admirable. She was a strong person.
“I’ll cheer you on. Let’s go to Korea University together, Seo Yechan.”
Yewon, who finished speaking, smiled brightly. In Yewon’s eyes, Yechan saw the same emotion he had seen in his mother’s eyes.
Yechan, who read the familiar trust in her pupils, finally chuckled. She’s not ordinary either. Having realized this anew, Yechan obediently answered.
“Okay.”
“Good, your eyes are back to normal. I’ll be watching you! Oh, break time is over! I’ll go now.”
Yewon, who had pointed at her eyes and Yechan alternately with her index and middle fingers, soon disappeared into the lecture room. If there’s a problem, just solve it. Jiwoon’s face flickered.
Yechan’s brain, who had entered his lecture room and sat down, finally began to work again. Thoughts filled the space that had been empty since the day after the Suneung, piling up neatly.
What’s the problem? Lee Jiwoon isn’t here.
Then what should I do?
His mother’s words came to mind. Find him, or give up.
And giving up was a word not even worth considering.
Yechan imagined Jiwoon’s path. He had to guess the most likely path to be realized as carefully as possible.
But there wasn’t enough information yet. Yechan, who had been mulling over his thoughts, closed his notebook and gauged the time. He could wait.
Yechan bit his lip and tried to focus on the academy lecture for now. To meet Jiwoon, he had to study for now.
From that day on, Yechan threw himself into studying from dawn until late at night. He forced himself to eat food that wouldn’t go down, and got up his unmoving body to exercise.
He had to find Lee Jiwoon.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
