#62
Taeseong collapsed onto his bed without even putting on a cover. It was the first time since he’d been old enough to wash himself that he’d lain on his bed without washing after going out. But right now, even knowing he was dirty, he didn’t have the energy to wash. If he could, Taeseong would have liked to throw his body into the washing machine along with the blankets.
He checked the time on his phone. The room was dim even though there was still plenty of time until sunset because the sky was overcast. The only consolation was that the weather wasn’t good for blind dates.
At the same time, Taeseong felt miserable about the fact that this was a consolation. Kim Bonoh was a hurricane that casually turned him into a wasteland. He wasn’t authoritarian, but he was ultimately a dictator in the sense that everything about Taeseong came to revolve around Bonoh.
What was it about Kim Bonoh that kept making him get swept away? He’d never paid attention to others or tried to win their favor, so why did he keep checking his outfit and expression in front of Kim Bonoh? Why did he feel like only he was being made a fool of, and why was his daily life being shaken up because of this one person? All those questions seemed like they would never be resolved.
He sensed movement outside the door. Every time there was a sound in the hallway, Taeseong hoped to open the door or for Bonoh to come in, but that hope had already been frustrated dozens of times. Taeseong kept his ears alert to the sounds but didn’t look toward the door.
“Joo Taeseong, I’m back. Why aren’t you even turning on the lights? Are you feeling a bit better?”
At that moment, Bonoh entered and flipped the switch that Taeseong hadn’t turned on. Due to the room suddenly becoming bright, Taeseong closed his eyes then opened them. Bonoh taking off his shoes came into Taeseong’s view. He was dressed differently than usual. Seeing him dressed up in a shirt and slacks, Taeseong crumbled once again.
“I went around all the nearby pharmacies, but only the last place I went to was open. That’s why I’m a bit late.”
Sometimes even difficult problems would be solved anticlimactically at a certain moment. Like a switch being turned on, the moment a small circuit connected, the answer would come to mind. When it clicked on, only then would you realize you’d been in a dark room. Because your vision was dark, you’d move around not knowing what filled your heart, bumping into sharp corners and getting needlessly angry.
The reality of it was trivial like a piece of Lego, yet also quite vicious. When you stepped on it without knowing, you’d feel tremendous pain, but when you noticed it, you might even think it was nothing special.
“What’s wrong, does it hurt a lot?”
Bonoh asked Taeseong, who was just staring silently. He knelt right beside the bed, matching Taeseong’s eye level.
“Kim Bonoh, I’m in pain.”
However, the problem was that it was a fragment. Simple and light moments like Lego pieces gathered and accumulated, becoming a very heavy and solid structure. That structure was so complex that neither the person involved nor the target noticed the emotion at all.
Moisture welled up in Taeseong’s eyes, then thick tears flowed down his temples. Bonoh was startled and tried to touch Taeseong’s forehead, then took out his phone, making a fuss about calling an ambulance. Taeseong wanted to tell him not to call, but sobs burst out so proper words wouldn’t come. In the end, he could only grab Bonoh’s hand and shake his head.
Once the tears started, like the emotion he’d become aware of, they gushed out unstoppably. At the same time, Taeseong realized that it wasn’t that Bonoh liked him, but that he had been liking Bonoh.
Bonoh had returned, but Taeseong still felt like he was left alone in a devastated place.
***
Bonoh put down the bag of potato chips. He’d deliberately crunched them loudly while eating, but Taeseong showed no reaction. It wasn’t that he’d broken the rule for Taeseong and himself. The marks that Taeseong had left last Friday were still faintly visible.
However, Bonoh couldn’t shake the impression that Taeseong had changed a bit since that day. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was different, but the person had become strangely withered. He hadn’t been full of life originally, but he hadn’t looked lacking in energy either.
The most tangible difference was that Taeseong, who used to be on edge worried about breaking rules himself, now didn’t seem to care. No, to be precise, he seemed to not have the leisure to care.
That time, Taeseong had even shed tears. When someone who seemed like they wouldn’t bleed even if stabbed suddenly burst into tears and sobbed, Bonoh was greatly flustered. Thinking it might be because he was sick, he fussed around, but seeing that Taeseong wouldn’t even touch the medicine he’d bought, Bonoh guessed there must be some other reason.
Taeseong looking listless was concerning to the point where he wished he’d at least get angry. To provoke anger, he’d even eaten potato chips for the first time in a while, but it was useless.
Bonoh glanced at Taeseong. The guy who used to never lie on his bed except when sleeping now lay on his bed whenever he had time. The habit of showering religiously before lying on the bed remained the same. Because of this, the bathroom moisture these days never had a chance to dry.
Taeseong was lying on the bed with his eyes closed, wearing headphones. What song was he listening to again? Even before, Taeseong had often worn headphones, but the aura he gave off was different. Even with his eyes closed the same way, unlike before when he seemed to be meditating, now he looked like he was enduring something difficult to handle.
Somehow, that appearance felt familiar. It was the look you could see from his noona when her favorite idol’s dating scandal broke, or from his hyung who stayed home even during military leave because his girlfriend had cheated on him. He looked like someone who’d been heartbroken.
Could it be that things didn’t go well with that person? Taeseong’s gloomy appearance was a bit heartbreaking, but the possibility that they might have fallen out gave Bonoh hope.
“Um, Joo Taeseong…”
“……”
Bonoh called out to Taeseong, but perhaps because of the headphones, he didn’t seem to hear. He didn’t consider that he might be deliberately ignoring him. Because of that, he approached Taeseong and gently tapped his shoulder.
“What.”
Taeseong was startled and took off his headphones. Bonoh had thought he was being careful with his tap, but perhaps it was sudden, as the headphones were roughly removed. Regretting his action due to the more extreme reaction than expected, Bonoh wondered if he should have just left him alone.
“No, I was going to ask if you’re not eating dinner. It seems like it’s time for you to eat…”
“I’m fine.”
Taeseong answered weakly and put his headphones back on. Then he fumbled around his pillow area. He seemed to be looking for his phone that was wirelessly connected to the headphones.
Even with the answer that he wouldn’t eat, Bonoh hesitated and dawdled. He looked like he wanted to ask “Really not eating?” but was wondering if it was okay to ask again. Would it be okay for someone with a weak stomach to skip meals? Bonoh watched Taeseong operating his phone.
-My heart feels like it’s going to tear apart.
At that moment, perhaps Taeseong had operated something wrong, as the song played from the phone instead of the headphones. Taeseong hurriedly turned off the song and looked at Bonoh. Their eyes met. Taeseong seemed to be checking if he’d heard the song.
“Did you hear it?”
“Huh, no?”
Bonoh lied without realizing it. But both of them knew that Bonoh had clearly heard the song Taeseong was trying to listen to.
My heart feels like it’s going to tear apart. Without you, I can’t swallow even a grain of rice.
Though it was just one verse, the next lyrics seemed to play automatically in Bonoh’s head. It was a breakup ballad that had dominated the streaming site charts about three years ago. Since it wasn’t by a well-known singer, there was talk about chart manipulation, but that controversy had actually made the song well-known to the public. The deeply emotional lyrics could feel tacky, but even now, when the weather turned chilly in autumn, it could often be heard in convenience stores or private cafes.
So Taeseong listens to songs like this too, he thought. It was a song impossible not to know. Bonoh had also set it as his ringtone when his ex-girlfriend had dumped him, and it was one of his favorite songs to sing at karaoke when he only sang breakup ballads.
So he really got dumped! With this certainty, Bonoh found it hard to suppress the smile creeping out. He didn’t know how it had happened, but if that was the reason for skipping meals, it was welcome. Bonoh stopped trying to ask again if he really wasn’t eating and backed away.
“Ha…”
Perhaps because he’d been too giddy, Taeseong sighed deeply. Bonoh flinched, expecting sharp words to fly, but Taeseong just turned over to face the wall.
Bonoh headed toward the entrance with a much lighter heart, taking only his wallet and phone. Even while wondering what to eat, he found it hard to suppress his humming. As he opened the door and walked down the hallway, a notification popped up on his phone. When he checked, it was a notification that someone had commented on Casafarmer’s answer.
-Excuse me. Don’t you have any other strategies besides that one?
There was another poor soul on the internet who couldn’t win love. Bonoh typed a response while walking toward the elevator.
-Hmm, questioner, how about you try confessing first?
The elevator happened to be on the 3rd floor, so the door opened as soon as he pressed the button. As he stepped in, the bright lighting inside the elevator poured down from above his head. In many ways, it was a pleasant day. Bonoh’s steps were light as if he might float away.
Bonoh’s floating mood crashed to the ground in just three days. He had just returned to the dorm after attending a major class. Taeseong, who was in the room, had the closet open and was putting clothes into a box. When Bonoh greeted him saying “I’m back,” Taeseong didn’t even look back.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
