#46
Having feelings for someone might be a good thing, but having that person be a roommate you live with in the same room was not good. The time spent together in the room was long, and Bonoh felt nervous for no reason at all.
The best Bonoh could do was not show it. When his body tensed up from being conscious of Taeseong, Bonoh would just leave the room. He would drink with friends and break curfew again, leading to sex with Taeseong. It was rather better to just do that. At least it resolved the sexual tension for the moment.
“Phew…”
Standing in front of the dormitory door, Bonoh caught his breath for a moment. Though he had deliberately been late while deceiving himself, he felt inexplicably restless on his way to the dormitory. Even without trying to run, his steps kept quickening and he was out of breath. But he didn’t want to be panting pathetically in front of Taeseong. He placed his hand on his heaving chest to calm himself when the door suddenly swung open.
“What are you doing, not coming in?”
It was Taeseong. He could hear sounds from beyond the door but since no one was coming in, Taeseong had opened the door to check.
“Oh, yeah. I should go in…”
The flustered Bonoh hurried about. Before Bonoh could go inside, Taeseong first grabbed Bonoh’s arm and pulled him in. Bonoh moved as Taeseong led him. The door closed behind him.
When their bodies collided, it was good because he couldn’t think of anything. That’s how two times of sex became three, and three became more than that. He didn’t think about the consequences. Sex with his ideal type, who was hard to meet twice in a lifetime, was amazing every time, and when this role-play ended, he would bury it as a memory. He decided to just let things flow as they were.
At first, it was like deliberately not checking the time even though he knew Taeseong’s curfew was approaching. Then he just blatantly came late without even the will to deceive himself, and he remembered doing it even for the reason of closing the door too hard. When breaking curfew became troublesome, Bonoh started not following other minor rules at all.
***
Bonoh looked at himself in the mirror. His mouth was covered with white foam, and he was staring at the mirror with vacant eyes while holding a toothbrush in his mouth. His swollen eyes from just waking up still had sleepiness in them, making him look more shabby than usual, even by his own assessment.
Before being conscious of Taeseong, he didn’t care about things like this. It was a natural state that could be seen when living in a dormitory room. Even living in the same room with a complete stranger as a roommate, how could you show only a neat appearance 24 hours a day? Most people except Joo Taeseong were like that.
But lately, Bonoh found himself evaluating himself in front of the mirror more often. Whether his hair looked more disheveled, whether his face was too swollen. When he discovered flaws, his mood would sink all day, and on days when he happened to look decent, he would feel elated for a moment.
If I were someone else, would I have liked me? Bonoh asked himself while brushing his teeth slowly. Though he said someone else, the only person he cared about was Taeseong.
Actually, Bonoh had thought that Taeseong might like him too. Even if it was disguised as corporal punishment, physical contact was still physical contact. No one would want to touch the body of someone they disliked. At least Bonoh wasn’t someone who could sleep with just anyone without any feelings. And he believed other people would be the same way.
Taeseong did seem far from being gay. Of course he wasn’t the stereotype portrayed in various media, and Bonoh couldn’t picture Taeseong dating men at all. It was even more so when he thought of Taeseong’s expression when he accidentally caught him watching gay porn. The disgusted expression that reflexively appeared on Taeseong’s face and his silent departure hit harder than openly showing dislike. If he had been shocked instead, it wouldn’t have stuck in his mind like this.
‘But…’
Even so, Bonoh thought of the word ‘but’ like someone trying to defend himself.
But Taeseong got excited looking at Bonoh. His erect penis was proof of that, and that was more certain than anything else. Bonoh had personally felt it multiple times. It was a clear phenomenon, not something invisible and uncertain like emotions.
‘Regardless of being gay or not, if he can physically get erect looking at a man’s body, isn’t there a possibility? I’ve never thought of myself as gay either.’
It was quite a plausible reason. When he thought there was a possibility, Bonoh’s heart suddenly beat rapidly. The vibration like a small drum beating started from his heart and spread throughout his body through his bloodstream. His fingertips tingled and he felt like he might sneeze. His heart felt light and swelled up as if someone had put a balloon in his solar plexus and blown air into it.
“Ptui.”
Feeling nauseous, Bonoh spat out the foam filling his mouth into the sink. Then he turned on the water to wash away the foam and rinsed his mouth. A fresh mint scent swirled in his mouth, and the remaining sleepiness seemed to disappear.
He shook off the water from his toothbrush and put it in the plastic cup on the sink. That cup was something Bonoh had brought when he entered the dormitory, originally intending to nicely place his roommate’s toothbrush alongside his own. However, not long after moving in, when he told Taeseong that he could put his toothbrush there too, he was flatly rejected.
The expression on Taeseong’s face when he said ‘Is breeding bacteria your hobby?’ was still vivid. He couldn’t put a toothbrush in a bathroom full of germs, and if water accumulated in the cup, mold might grow. On top of that, the toothbrushes might touch each other, so how could he put it there – he was so disgusted that Bonoh felt embarrassed.
The Taeseong of that time wouldn’t have known that later they would kiss and even do more than that. If only he could, Bonoh wanted to go back to that time and tell Taeseong that later you’ll be mixing tongues with me, so is that really a big deal? Then would Taeseong’s already pale skin turn blue? Imagining Taeseong turning deathly pale and snapping at him not to say such things made him laugh involuntarily.
“Hmm…”
Bonoh looked at his toothbrush with dissatisfied eyes. Still, it was disappointing to have only one toothbrush sitting alone in a space where two people lived together. He took out the toothbrush again and shook the cup in the air. Then he brought the cup close to his eyes and examined the bottom. There was no particular moisture or mold. There might be germs, but unless it’s a sterile room, there could be some germs.
Bonoh put down the cup and turned the faucet all the way to the right to turn on the water. The water wetting his hands was quite cold. He scooped up water with both hands and roughly splashed it on his face. The loud sound that middle-aged men make when washing their faces echoed.
He didn’t know how he did it, but Taeseong was quiet when washing his face. Even knowing that the sound of washing would be heard outside the bathroom door, if he didn’t do it this way, it didn’t feel refreshing.
“Whew…”
Bonoh raised his head and checked his face reflected in the mirror. His hair and t-shirt were soaked, but the swelling had definitely gone down compared to earlier.
“Oops.”
After wiping his face with a towel, Bonoh was about to open the bathroom door but stood in front of the mirror again. He swept up his bangs with his hand to tidy his hair. Then suddenly, Bonoh discovered that his reflection in the mirror looked quite tough.
He put one hand on the mirror and stood crookedly. The face that had looked shabby until just now looked like a macho man who would deliver gas tanks wearing just a tank top even in the middle of winter. The few strands of hair that had come down wet also contributed. Bonoh smiled while raising one eyebrow. He also bit his plump lower lip for no reason. And he said to the wonderful man beyond the mirror:
“Hey, straighten your shoulders, Kim Bonoh. You’re fucking attractive.”
Every time he spoke, the mirror fogged up with his breath. His face became blurry and then clear again. Oh, wait. Am I too sexy right now?
Bonoh pointlessly pretended to aim a finger gun at himself in the mirror. He whispered “bang” softly while flicking his wrist as if a bullet had been fired. Then he blew on the tip of his index finger as if there was real smoke. Yeah, a man’s pride was everything. If you lose your spirit, that’s the end. Bonoh took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door with determination.
Taeseong unconsciously turned around at the sound of the bathroom door opening. Bonoh’s bangs and t-shirt were completely soaked. If he hadn’t heard the loud washing sounds just before, he would have thought he had water dumped on him.
Bonoh hesitated, then headed to his bed while lightly shaking his wet bangs with his hand. Water droplets fell to the floor. Bonoh climbed onto his bed and leaned against the wall. The water droplets on the floor irritated Taeseong’s nerves. Taeseong looked back and forth between the wet floor and Bonoh.
Bonoh was holding his phone, but something was strange. Usually when Bonoh did something with his phone, he would hold it horizontally to watch game videos. When he held it vertically, he would type or scroll. But now he was just holding his phone and looking at the screen. He would sneak glances outside the screen and their eyes met.
What’s this? Why is he acting like that? He couldn’t pinpoint it exactly, but something was suspicious. It seemed like he was pretending to look at his phone while actually watching for reactions. Taeseong got up and moved. Then Bonoh bit his rolled lip. His face clearly showed signs of tension.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
