Chapter 112
I nodded hastily. I felt upset that my anxious and apologetic feelings didn’t seem to be expressed well outwardly.
“Yes, of course. I’m sorry. It’s really just for a company dinner. I know it might look strange…”
I lacked the ability to clearly explain the situation in a way that wouldn’t make my partner anxious, as I had never had to prove my innocence to a lover before.
Still, I hoped he would understand that I was doing my best.
“You didn’t tell me about it.”
“Right. I should have told you. But I thought the boss was going to take us to a restaurant or something at first… I didn’t think I needed to tell you.”
“…”
“And honestly, we weren’t in a situation where we could comfortably contact each other. Still, I’m sorry for not telling you in advance. I made a mistake.”
“I didn’t like that bastard boss from the beginning.”
“But… he’s not a bad person…”
“Are you taking his side in front of me now?”
Joo Kwon-oh muttered menacingly while chewing on an unlit cigarette filter.
Seeing him like this, I could understand why the boss kept calling Joo Kwon-oh a thug or gangster. Even though I wasn’t scared, I thought others might find this appearance much more threatening.
I shook my head vigorously.
“No one hit on you in there, right?”
“No. Nothing happened.”
I knew that even saying this wouldn’t be very trustworthy.
To Joo Kwon-oh’s eyes, this place would look like nothing but a gay bar. If it were me, and Joo Kwon-oh had been drinking in a place where men were hugging and sitting close to each other, my blood would boil.
Even if I came here unknowingly, it was my fault for coming to such a place while we weren’t broken up. I felt like I was burning up inside, feeling like I was constantly disappointing him.
Joo Kwon-oh tilted his head, standing askew as if lost in thought. His black eyes lingered on my face for a long time, as if trying to determine whether my words were true or not.
Eventually, he took the cigarette from between his fingers and let out a long sigh. Then he roughly ran his hand through his hair, still holding the cigarette.
“These days, I don’t know what you’re thinking. Sometimes I wonder if you’re just playing with me.”
“What do you mean…”
“Because I like you so much, I even have such exaggerated thoughts.”
“…”
I felt like I’d been hit on the back of the head.
Me, playing with Joo Kwon-oh? That’s nonsense.
I wanted to deny it, to say why he would think that, that it could never be true.
I like you this much… I can’t hide it, so I follow you with my eyes every day, transplant your every moment into my notebook, and steal glimpses of your daily life on SNS until I go to bed.
If anyone should be worried, it should be me. I couldn’t understand this situation where Joo Kwon-oh was saying such nonsensical things.
But looking back, it was ultimately me who made him think that way, so the guilt for my past mistakes hit me even harder at this moment. Moreover, being caught coming to this kind of bar today was enough to dampen Joo Kwon-oh’s mood from his perspective.
Compared to how consistently good Joo Kwon-oh had been to me, I felt sorry for seeming to do nothing but foolish things from start to finish. Everything. In front of him, all of me becomes inadequate.
I’m the one who’s lacking, and it should be my role to be anxious, not yours. It was frustrating and saddening to see Joo Kwon-oh act as if he didn’t know this obvious principle.
I swallowed dryly, feeling a heat rising inside my chest. A pressure came over me as if someone was gently pressing on my throat, making it difficult to speak.
“I… This is my first relationship… I’m clumsy. If that’s how you felt, I’m really sorry, Kwon-oh. But, still. What you’re thinking, it’s absolutely not like that.”
“Honestly… I’m not sure if you genuinely like me.”
“I, I like you! I like you, I’m liking you. No, beyond liking… I… I…”
“…”
“…love.”
My sentence faded away without finishing.
At the same time, the cigarette Joo Kwon-oh was holding fell to the ground. I hastily turned my head away as I saw it roll and touch my shoe.
“…”
“…”
My face felt hot as blood rushed to it. I felt like I might burst.
As soon as I uttered that word, my heart started pounding wildly. It was beating so hard that my whole body was resonating, making me dizzy.
“I… I think I love you.”
“…”
“No. Not ‘I think,’ I love you. Kwon-oh.”
Joo Kwon-oh was silent.
I resented my foolish nature that couldn’t express smooth eloquence even at such a serious moment.
If only I could fluently explain how much I still liked Joo Kwon-oh, and the process that led me to conclude that breaking up was the right thing to do for him. I was desperate, unable to fully reveal my inner thoughts.
Skipping all that and jumping straight to a love confession? Was I drunk? It was corny and ungraceful. I felt like an idiot.
“I’m saying I love you, Joo Kwon-oh.”
But those words kept spilling out of my mouth uncontrollably.
My eyes were so full of tears that my vision was blurry, so I couldn’t see what expression Joo Kwon-oh was making. I rubbed the tears away roughly with the back of my hand.
“How can you… say something like that in the back alley of a gay bar.”
“Then… where should I say it?”
“Well. I guess this suits it in its own way.”
“You still don’t believe me?”
I cautiously grabbed the hem of his clothes at his voice, which sounded somewhat dumbfounded yet still gruff.
“It’s all my fault… Please don’t be angry.”
“I’ll believe you if you give me a kiss.”
“…Huh?”
“You heard me.”
“…”
When he said to kiss him with such a serious face, it almost seemed like a threat at first glance. But to me, who was anxious about him not forgiving me, it sounded like a final chance.
After all, I would have been angry too if the situation was reversed.
But, is it okay to do this outside here…
While the entrance to the bar was quite bright with its sign, the parking lot area where Joo Kwon-oh and I were standing was dark with almost no street light. However, just because it was secluded and had few people around didn’t guarantee there were no eyes watching…
Ah, I don’t know.
I pushed away all the distracting thoughts that were clouding my mind again.
Instead of repeating useless worries, I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my lips firmly against Joo Kwon-oh’s.
“Ugh!”
“Aah!”
But instead of the expected ‘smooch!’ sound, there was a ‘clack!’ as our teeth collided.
We looked at each other with surprised expressions, each covering our lips with our hands.
Then, the pain I had experienced once before in the photo booth started to rise.
“Kwon-oh! Are you okay?”
“Jeong-ha, are you alright?”
“I’m, I’m fine. What about you? It must have hurt, I’m sorry.”
Ah, this is driving me crazy. The embarrassment is so intense that I can barely feel the pain.
I shuffled my feet, examining Joo Kwon-oh’s lips where a small amount of blood had formed. All sorts of self-deprecating thoughts were flying around in my head.
Unlike me, who didn’t know what to do, Joo Kwon-oh licked his slightly bleeding lower lip and smiled faintly. Then he wiped the blood from my lip with his thumb.
“It’s okay. Jeong-ha always seems to think that drawing blood is necessary for a kiss…”
“No. That’s not it, Kwon-oh. I couldn’t control my strength. Ah, why did I do that? Maybe it’s because of the alcohol.”
“I’m used to this kind of thing now.”
What kind of talk is that, like an abused husband? I wanted to tell Joo Kwon-oh to come to his senses.
But I stayed quiet, not wanting to disturb his satisfied expression, as if he had never been upset.
I unconsciously shrugged my shoulders at his gentle touch caressing my lips.
“You’re not bleeding, Jeong-ha. Fortunately, only I got hurt.”
“Ah… I’m sorry.”
“…”
“I didn’t do it on purpose. Really…”
“…”
“I’ll be careful next time.”
“…”
“Kwo-, Kwon-oh…?”
“Pfft.”
Joo Kwon-oh, who had been observing my teary expression, made a sound like air escaping.
Noticing the clear curve of his smile, I slightly opened my sore lips and looked up at him blankly.
A ticklish and soft feeling spread through my chest, as if new flesh was growing in a part that had been stiff. Without realizing it, the corners of my mouth twitched, following his smile.
With that one bright smile he spread, the awkwardness that had been firmly rooted between us flew away like it was washed away by the summer night air.
Our expressions, which had been tense since we met at the bar, completely relaxed.
The faint music coming from the distant speakers sounded like my heartbeat. Soft and overwhelming.
“What should I do? I already want to hear it again, Jeong-ha.”
Joo Kwon-oh placed his hand on my cheek and carefully wiped away the tears that had lightly pooled in the corners of my eyes.
He smelled of the sweet summer night, a faint scent of cigarettes, a hint of sweat, and the warm, fragrant scent that was uniquely Joo Kwon-oh’s.
“Say it again, what you said earlier.”
His voice with its solid resonance. I found it hard to control my trembling at this perfect recipe that I made up tonight.
