Chapter 104
“Joo Kwon-oh, are you going to the second round too?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s the occasion? You’ve been ditching us a lot lately. Did your girlfriend scold you?”
“Why do you care?”
“Hey hey, this place gives free highballs if we enter before 11 PM!”
“Oh, let’s go there!”
“Wait, let me smoke a cigarette first.”
I could see Joo Kwon-oh’s back as he lit a cigarette. Although I wasn’t close enough to hear his quiet voice clearly, I could at least tell that Joo Kwon-oh wasn’t in a depressed state like me.
Seeing him chatting with his friends felt unusually distant. It felt like looking at a movie screen. It was a similar sense of distance I felt from the passerby who smiled earlier on the street.
Because of this, I both wanted to see his face and didn’t want to see it.
After that, Joo Kwon-oh and his classmates continued chatting for a few more minutes, standing in a circle while smoking. Occasional coarse curses were exchanged, and other people passing by avoided their group.
It felt like I had gone back to the beginning of the semester. The scene I was seeing now overlapped with when I ran into them in front of the bar on the opening ceremony day.
While it was inevitable that Joo Kwon-oh wasn’t contacting me because he was angry due to my mistake, it was shocking to directly witness him casually hanging out with his friends. I felt indescribably sorrowful.
I thought he would at least be having similar worries as me. To think he wasn’t contacting me because he was busy having fun…
All my thoughts about how to apologize felt meaningless.
Come to think of it, there was always an inexplicable gap between the Joo Kwon-oh with his friends and the Joo Kwon-oh I knew.
Now I could somewhat understand where that gap came from. The Joo Kwon-oh among his friends was much freer and had a raw, unrefined feeling.
No matter how I looked at it, he seemed more comfortable there than by my side.
That’s why he might have chosen to meet with friends instead of contacting me in this complicated situation.
It was all my fault, so I couldn’t resent him.
We were only twenty-one years old. An age where we don’t need to refine and censor ourselves. We were still too young and awkward to be fixed in society’s certain frameworks and forms while being pointed at by people.
That’s why that place suited Joo Kwon-oh even more.
Once I acknowledged that, amusingly, my feet that had been stuck to the ground finally lifted.
I left that place, taking a different path like the passersby who had avoided Joo Kwon-oh’s group.
*
The next day.
I couldn’t fall asleep until dawn, so I only woke up around noon. When I checked my phone, there was a missed call from Joo Kwon-oh.
The call had come at nine in the morning.
I cleared the missed call notification and got up. My head hurt from crying on and off all night.
My muscles felt knotted all over, probably from the aftermath of moving non-stop without a break during yesterday’s part-time job.
After deliberating, I sent a KakaoTalk message to my boss.
[Me: Boss, is it okay if I take that day off we agreed on today?]
[Me: I’m not feeling well.. Sorry for telling you on the day of..]
After stretching and drinking water, I checked my phone again and there was a reply from the boss.
[Boss: Oh sure. Take a rest~]
[Me: Okay, see you tomorrow]
Being able to rest today made me feel a bit lighter.
Only then did I enter the KakaoTalk chat list and read the unread messages. Not only Joo Kwon-oh but also my mom had contacted me since morning.
The main content of mom’s KakaoTalk was asking when I would come home, along with her usual nagging.
[Me: I’ll come home today, see you later]
As soon as I sent the reply, I packed a simple bag. I put my phone charger, headphones, hat, card, and writing tools in the bag. I thought about packing clothes too but decided against it, figuring I could just wear any clothes lying around at home.
Then I headed straight for my family home. On the subway, I listened to music with AirPods Max for the first time in a while, in a dreamy mood as if half-dreaming.
After sitting blankly for a while, I soon arrived at my family home.
“Huh? It’s Ryu Jeong-ha.”
When I unlocked the door and entered, I couldn’t see mom and dad, but my sister was lying alone on the living room sofa watching TV.
Only momentarily surprised, my sister barely looked at me, whom she hadn’t seen in a long time, while scratching her stomach.
“Where’s mom?”
“In her room.”
“Okay.”
“It’s hard to see your face? What brings you home?”
“Mom told me to come.”
“Mom! Ryu Jeong-ha is here!”
As soon as my sister shouted, mom popped out of the main bedroom.
“You came early! I thought you’d come in the evening. Have you been well, my son?”
“Yeah.”
“Aiyoo. Let me see that expensive face. How long are you staying?”
“I don’t know. A day…? Or maybe two days?”
“Just that? Stay until classes start.”
Mom clicked her tongue, showing her disappointment at my words.
“I’m busy…”
“What are you so busy with?”
“Leave him alone, mom. He must be dating.”
My sister, who was fixated on the TV, suddenly chimed in.
“No, I’m not.”
I immediately denied it.
“Then what have you been doing as a college student if you’re not even dating?”
“What dating? Students just need to study well.”
As mom cut in, my sister pouted and sat up from lying on the sofa. Then she looked me up and down as if searching for something to bite into.
Knowing that mischievous look in her eyes well, I wanted to get to my room as quickly as possible.
“That’s a new shirt. Did you buy it?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“That’s unusual for you. It suits you well.”
“Just… it was on sale.”
“You must be dating.”
This time, my sister muttered almost with certainty, as if she had found new prey.
“…”
Suddenly, I thought about trying to casually admit to dating, just like my sister was lightly teasing.
That much shouldn’t be a problem, right? It’s not like I’m confessing to dating Joo Kwon-oh, just simply admitting that I’m dating someone.
But contrary to my will, my lips wouldn’t easily part. Just imagining admitting to having someone I’m dating made my mouth go dry and my stomach uncomfortable.
“What. Why are you looking at me like that?”
“…I told you, it’s not like that.”
In the end, the words I uttered were again a denial.
“Ey, seeing you hesitate like that, it must be true.”
“I said it’s not!”
“Why is he like that?”
I raised my voice, feeling guilty for no reason. Flustered, I hurriedly went into my room and closed the door.
Even though I hadn’t moved much, my breathing had already become rough.
“Haa…”
I felt embarrassed for reacting so seriously to what was just a casual joke.
And I felt pathetic for still not being able to be honest even in this situation.
Even if I admitted to dating someone, knowing my sister’s personality, she wouldn’t pry too deeply into it, so why can’t I even say such a simple thing honestly?
It’s not like I’m revealing my entire self, just exposing a very small part.
I really don’t think I can give Joo Kwon-oh what he wants. I must look endlessly frustrating in his eyes… And I’m frustrated with myself too. But what can I do if I can’t do it?
“Ah, I really hate this.”
Muttering to myself, I put down the bag I had been carrying on the floor. I thought coming home would make my distracting thoughts disappear a little. But I felt even more depressed instead.
“Jeong-ha, what about the part-time job you said you had this afternoon?”
Mom asked from outside the door.
“I’m not going today.”
“Then let’s go out for dinner when dad gets off work later. Dad said he’ll treat us.”
I replied okay and then flopped down on the bed. I guess I’ll just play with my phone until dad gets off work.
Just like at my apartment, I had nothing particular to do at home, so I browsed through social media apps.
Wondering if there was any new news, I first went to Joo Kwon-oh’s Instagram. But unlike before, the number of photos had decreased. Why?
At first, I thought it was my imagination, but looking closely, the number of following had also decreased by one.
…It’s creepy that I notice this. Because I’ve been stalking too deeply since the beginning of last semester, it’s become a habit to regularly check the number of accounts Joo Kwon-oh follows.
But if it’s someone he would delete photos of and even unfollow, could it be senior Lee Sung-rok?
As soon as that thought occurred to me, I remembered the photos of Joo Kwon-oh and senior Lee Sung-rok taken at department gatherings. I immediately checked for group photos in the feed.
As expected, some of the photos I had seen before were no longer visible. Did he delete all the ones taken with senior Lee Sung-rok? Lee Sung-rok was also gone from the following list.
Given Joo Kwon-oh’s personality, I didn’t think he would stay quiet after hearing that… but now that I knew their relationship had soured, I was worried.
What about the expo then? There must have been parts where he needed help from the senior.
This wasn’t the result I wanted… It was frustrating that I couldn’t directly ask what exactly happened.
What if senior Lee Sung-rok spreads strange rumors out of anger?
[Joo Kwon-oh: Jeong-ha where are you?]
Just then. A KakaoTalk message came from Joo Kwon-oh.
[Joo Kwon-oh: Home]
[Joo Kwon-oh: ?]
