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“Jang Yeonhu, why did you… when was it? Around the time right before I came back to Korea. You called saying you had questions about debt.”
“Ah. Now that I think about it, I asked you first. Yes. I remember.”
“Was that… about Eunseong?”
It was a question whose answer he already knew without having to ask, but he couldn’t help asking. Han Jaekyung tried to hide his voice that had dropped an octave from tension, and Jang Yeonhu burst into light laughter before speaking.
“Back then, I really had no idea Eunseong and I would end up like this. Life is truly unpredictable.”
To Jaekyung, those words felt like an accusation, as if saying: “Back then, I still liked you, why couldn’t you have been better?” It was due to deep-rooted inferiority that he himself wasn’t even aware of.
“He was a new intern… and whatever he did, he did it very diligently. That’s why he caught my eye from the beginning.”
His eyes looked new as he mentioned his first meeting with his lover, and his calm voice was filled with laughter. To Jaekyung, this Yeonhu who was tied to the same category as Choi Eunseong seemed like someone both deeply familiar and strangely foreign.
He continued his story carefully. About quickly becoming close with the intern student who helped a lot with the miscellaneous tasks of the project he was assigned to at the time, and even an episode about encountering persistent debt collectors when leaving work late one night with that intern.
Though he thought he’d faced them to the point of disgust. The Choi Eunseong he met through Yeonhu’s unfamiliar lips was someone with very new facets. More information poured out than had ever come directly from Eunseong’s own mouth.
A good-natured grandson raised by his grandmother after his parents divorced when he was young. A stubborn person who steadfastly paid back the enormous debt left by a father he hadn’t seen since his teenage years. A spirited young man whose dream was to graduate from university, get into a good company, and make his grandmother live in comfort.
He wasn’t a crude entity that could be lumped together under the single modifier of “Jang Yeonhu’s lover.” The will to plant his two feet firmly on the ground and somehow pioneer a new future was something that had once dazzlingly resided in Jaekyung too.
“…I didn’t know that. Eunseong has been through a lot.”
Jaekyung’s determination to become a shining fake ultimately lost its luster in front of Choi Eunseong’s bold voice declaring that he would never accept Jang Yeonhu’s help, no matter what. He had thought that as long as he shone, even if fake, it would be enough, but that was all a miscalculation. If there was a place to hide, he wanted to hide. If he could run away, he would gladly dash.
What was truly shameful was… that even if he could turn back time, he wasn’t confident whether he could make a different choice than now, whether he really could.
“I didn’t know at first either. Our Eunseong is quite bright and cheerful, you know. Maybe that’s why. Sometimes I feel a bit disappointed. Is it too greedy of me to want him to rely on me a little more?”
“…”
Yeonhu asked again as if expecting an answer, “Hm? Jaekyung, what do you think?” but Jaekyung remained silent. A natural silence filled the space between them. During that time, Jaekyung drank two more glasses of wine, using the now-cold steak as a snack. His stomach churned. No, maybe it was his heart churning, using the wine as an excuse.
Bzzt, bzzt.
“Is that Eunseong calling?”
“Yeah, sorry. I’ll be right back.”
At the well-timed vibration, Yeonhu awkwardly scratched his neck as he stood up. Had there ever been a call that Yeonhu couldn’t take in front of Jaekyung? That too was shocking, but with his already tattered mental state, he didn’t have the energy to react.
Tap, tap, tap. The sound of indoor slippers hitting the marble floor was monotonous. Yeonhu naturally opened the door to the bedroom that Jaekyung had used until recently, and soon began to soothe the other person in quiet, whisper-like tones. His gentle murmuring voice sounded pleasant. Not amusingly, even in moments like this.
-Did you arrive? No, I’m sorry about today, let me sort out my thoughts a little… let’s talk again next time.
The gray sweatshirt visible through the half-open door was one Yeonhu had bought hurriedly at the airport last year on his way to meet Jaekyung. He had gone on a business trip to a provincial area and came straight from Daegu Airport to board a plane. He couldn’t even get a direct flight ticket and had to go through five or six hours of transfer waiting… What had Jaekyung said to Yeonhu who showed up with an uncharacteristically disheveled appearance, grinning? The memory was faint. It was something about having to go to a law firm dinner that very evening without even having time to properly catch up, and that they would meet again next time.
Even then, Yeonhu never showed any sign of disappointment. Instead, he was busy comforting Jaekyung, who seemed somewhat sullen, saying he was sorry for coming so urgently.
-For now, since it’s late, don’t think about anything and get a good rest, okay?
After enjoying all the privileges, whenever even half a fragment of embarrassing words like “I like you” or “I love you” leaked out, Jaekyung would sharpen his edge and make a fuss. Because of this, Yeonhu had endured all those long years silently, never even getting to comfortably express his own feelings.
-Yes, I love you too. Sleep well.
He had long been deprived of the right to be jealous or to regret now. Yeonhu’s final voice, whispering love and smiling faintly, made Jaekyung realize that fact with devastating clarity.
“It’s already past ten. When did it get so late? Do you want to just stay over?”
“If the guest room is uncomfortable, I can give you the bedroom.” Yeonhu, who had finished his short call, asked with a composed attitude. Considering that Jaekyung usually used the main bedroom of this officetel and Yeonhu used the only guest room, it was quite a plausible offer. But just for today… with this state of mind, it seemed impossible to accept.
“No thanks. I can get home quickly by taxi.”
“Still…”
“What do you mean, still? Hey, Jang Yeonhu.”
“Why suddenly?”
Was it because he had his hair down, or because of the dressing gauze awkwardly stuck to his forehead? His face, looking back with round eyes, appeared as fresh as if he hadn’t changed much since the days he wore a school uniform.
Though he could never get back the Yeonhu from those days. Instead, he could preserve Yeonhu’s still boyish appearance.
If only Han Jaekyung would finally admit defeat and accept his position as a true “friend.”
“…Send Eunseong to our office next week.”
“Huh?”
Jaekyung spoke quickly with his head bowed low. The asparagus, messily scattered next to the couple of pieces of steak that remained, came clearly into view.
“He hates receiving money more than death, right? We have office assistant positions at our firm too.”
He didn’t want to see Yeonhu’s facial expression with his own eyes. What if he was smiling brightly? What if he hugged his shoulders saying that there’s no one but you? Although he had decided to accept stepping down from being an awkward villain to being a supporting character who was the protagonist’s close friend… it was still too much for today.
This was the Maginot Line that today’s Han Jaekyung could handle.
“Jaekyung, look at me.”
“I don’t know how useful it will be as experience when job hunting, but the salary should be about the same.”
“Han Jaekyung.”
“What.”
“…”
Jaekyung’s gaze remained fixed on the meat plate with blood residue. Because of this, Jaekyung…
“…”
“…”
…failed to see Yeonhu’s expression which had stiffened to an eerie degree. He couldn’t see it.
The silence that had been comfortable and natural just a few minutes ago had now turned into the exact opposite nature.
“Are you really okay with this? Will you… really be okay?”
The alien voice was so hard to believe as being from the same person who had just said, “Yes, I love you too. Sleep well.” So this is the distance now permitted to me. Han Jaekyung, who couldn’t quite grasp the context, took a deep breath and closed his eyes. His insides churned mercilessly. He wanted to think it was just the alcohol. There was nothing to be sad or regretful about.
“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
“…”
“I think I’m getting drunk. I’ll get going now. See you next time.”
“When next time?”
“I don’t know… just, just next time.”
Jaekyung left the officetel as if fleeing in a hurry. If he could just get through tonight, it would be the weekend, so he should probably visit his uncle’s shop for the first time in a while.
If he helped out frantically in the narrow hall of the shop filled with the smell of cooked oil, and scrubbed the grill until his wrist ached, his uncle would, as always, narrow his eyes and ask why his precious nephew wanted to help with such hard work. Jaekyung wanted to pretend not to know, bury his forehead in his uncle’s shoulder, which was a head taller than him, and say that everything was fine, that everything would pass as long as his uncle was there… He wanted to let time flow like that.
* * *
The next morning. What woke Han Jaekyung, who was deeply asleep as befitting a weekend, was the merciless sound of the doorbell. Try as he might to ignore it and continue sleeping, it was simply impossible. When he irritably flung open the front door, there stood a man with a shameless face, smiling broadly.
“Han Jaekyung. Wasn’t our appointment at ten thirty? I don’t even complain when you’re ten or twenty minutes late. But two hours is a bit much, isn’t it?”
“Why are you here?”
When exactly did they make plans to meet? On a weekend morning, or rather, a time already approaching noon. Han Jaekyung, holding his forehead, sharply questioned the person who had suddenly appeared and was spouting nonsense. The bright sunlight brought on unnecessary irritation.
“Anyway. Hurry up and change. We’re late.”
The other person dismissed such glares as trivial and pushed Jaekyung’s shoulders with both hands. It was closer to a demand than urging, suggesting that if he had time to glare, he should wash his face. Jaekyung, unconsciously moving as he was pushed, raised his voice once more.
“Hey, Moon Yeonu!”
He was someone with whom Jaekyung simply couldn’t keep his wits about him.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
