Chapter 98
He put the cigarette back between his lips and looked at Ji-won Kang. However, his eyes were narrowed, and his gaze was dreamy, as if drunk or imagining something else.
“Si-yul was originally…”
The words were muffled due to the cigarette between his teeth. When asked “What?”, Hyun-se fell silent for a moment. The gray ash grew long. Before it could fall on the table, Hyun-se took out a napkin and tapped the ash onto it.
“It’s something to see. Watching the CEO heartbroken over a breakup.”
“When did I ever.”
Despite his face clearly gaunt from heartache, he was still putting up a front. Rather than finding it annoying, Ji-won looked at him sympathetically, like a child unaware of his own feelings and trying to maintain his pride. The reason Si-yul left was clear to her as a third party, but it seemed Hyun-se still didn’t want to admit it.
“I sometimes wondered. Has the CEO ever truly loved someone with all his heart? Or will that day ever come?”
“I’ve dated, haven’t I?”
“You think that was dating? It was just playing house.”
Even if you say you’re dating, even if you spend time together, it’s hard to call it dating if emotions aren’t involved. She wondered what all those “relationships” Hyun-se had until now were. Though he called them dating, the emotions shared were as shallow as a brook.
Something you can let go of without regret anytime, without getting hurt, and just fill the empty space again.
“What’s the difference?”
Ji-won crossed her arms and looked at Hyun-se. Though she didn’t want to bring up past events, it seemed she had to spoon-feed him for him to understand even a little.
“When we broke up. Could you live without me?”
“Yes.”
Not even a moment’s hesitation. The time to feel hurt by that had long passed. Ji-won continued.
“And when you broke up with others?”
“Why wouldn’t I be able to live?”
“Then what about Si-yul?”
“Of course…”
“Can you live well without Kwon Si-yul?”
It seemed like he was about to answer “Yes.” But while his lips parted, no sound came out. It seemed stuck in his throat or on the tip of his tongue. He tried to spit it out several times, but just couldn’t.
“…Ah.”
He downed the remaining half of his drink and answered along with it. His voice lacked strength. Hyun-se fiddled with the glass, looking down at the empty cup. As if someone’s face was reflected in it.
“If you feel like you can’t live without him, think about it one more time.”
Hyun-se stared blankly. There was a question mark floating in his eyes.
“What that means.”
Even after showing him the answer sheet, if he couldn’t understand, it was because he was lacking. The counseling ends here. Ignoring the gaze that seemed to want to ask more questions, Ji-won put the bottle back in its place.
* * *
Sleep wouldn’t come. He stared blankly at the ceiling until dawn light filled the room, realizing morning had arrived. Days continued where he mechanically got up, went to work, worked, came home, and tried but failed to sleep.
Even drinking heavily didn’t make him drunk, just upset his stomach and brought hangovers. Exercise didn’t help either. He even got sleeping pills prescribed. Though he fell asleep like passing out, he felt groggy all day and got such severe headaches that he took them once and then shoved them in a drawer.
Memories surfaced everywhere he looked. There wasn’t a place Si-yul’s hands hadn’t touched or his feet hadn’t stepped.
Si-yul would lie on his stomach by the window, spreading out small puzzle pieces, swinging his legs as he tried to fit them together. When it didn’t go as he wanted, he would occasionally furrow his brow between his long, straight eyebrows. Biting his lower lip, he would twirl different pieces between his fingers before fitting them into gaps. And when pieces fit perfectly, he would smile brightly, his eyes crinkling up.
Hyun-se thought changing the furniture arrangement might help, but that had no effect either. He ordered new sofas and tables, but changed his mind a day later. He didn’t really want to replace them. He made excuses that they were still usable.
Thinking it might be better if he couldn’t see these things, he moved to a hotel. That was a somewhat better choice. He could sleep relatively well in the new space. But that didn’t last even two full days. He was back to square one. Even if he managed to fall into a light sleep, he would suddenly wake up feeling unusually cold. Realizing no one was leaning on his outstretched arm, his drowsiness would disappear in an instant.
He couldn’t sleep no matter what he tried. His nerves became increasingly frayed. He lashed out at things he would have laughed off before. People around him all remarked on how sensitive he had become. When they asked if he had always been this prickly, as if rehearsed, he often didn’t answer their calls. He only had curses to return.
Even to the youngest, Ji-hye Woo, he couldn’t speak kindly. He would ignore her calls, or if he answered, his first question would be why she was calling unnecessarily.
“Oppa, you’re acting strange.”
It was a day for gathering at the family home. Ji-hye approached carefully and pouted, grumbling.
He wanted to skip it, but feeling guilty about hurting Ji-hye’s feelings, he came despite the hassle. Before entering, he had suppressed his fluctuating mood with chain-smoking, but thinking about seeing the Woo sisters made him feel irritated again.
It was because he couldn’t sleep last night either. If he had known, he should have taken sleeping pills to force himself to sleep.
“Me?”
“Yeah. Is something going on these days?”
“There’s always something going on.”
He was about to drink his coffee but clicked his tongue and put the cup down. They must clearly see his sleep-deprived face, yet the hospitality was terrible. He rubbed his face, partly to hide his furrowed brow, then belatedly remembered that he had ordered this coffee himself.
“Are you sick somewhere?”
“No.”
“Then…”
“I didn’t sleep well yesterday, and I was restless when I talked to you too, so I’m not in a good state. I’m going to try to get some sleep. I’ll be fine then.”
He looked at Ji-hye, trying not to be rude. It was meant to be a rather gentle tone, but Ji-hye didn’t seem to hear it that way, as dissatisfaction clouded her eyes. He didn’t have the patience to soothe her. He leaned back on the backrest and closed his eyes. Of course, sleep didn’t come.
He opened his eyes at the sound of footsteps entering the living room. It was Gi-bbeum Woo. She said she had sent her noisy children and husband to Hawaii where her in-laws were.
While he could tolerate Ji-hye, seeing Gi-bbeum’s face suddenly made him want to hit something. He wished there was a punching bag in front of him. Or at least someone to beat up.
“Did something happen to you?”
“What happened.”
“Something happened, you bastard.”
“Fuck…”
He usually doesn’t swear in front of his sisters. Ji-hye flinched, her eyes widening as she looked at him. Regardless, Hyun-se just pressed hard on his throbbing eyelids.
“Don’t bother me. Just stay quiet and leave.”
“What’s this? Are you in rut?”
He stared silently. If he could, he wanted to break that neck. It was killing intent he hadn’t felt in a very long time. It was fortunate that everyone else here was beta; if even one person had sensed his aura, they would have collapsed on the spot, trembling. Even as a beta, the sensitive Ji-hye sensed Hyun-se’s cold demeanor and grabbed her sister’s arm.
“Don’t fight. Dad will be here soon.”
Gi-bbeum, who had been about to flare up, took a step back. Hyun-se also had no intention of causing trouble at the family home. It would only prolong the time for nagging.
Soon after, the patriarch appeared with a fake cough. Secretary Yoon had said he had cold symptoms, but his complexion looked at least more vigorous than Hyun-se’s. If he was going to be sick, he should have come dramatically in a wheelchair with an IV in his arm. Seeing him look healthier than himself made Hyun-se feel bitter.
“Why is the atmosphere like this? And you, why does your face look like that?”
He just had to comment, pointing at him. Hyun-se tried to smile as usual, but the corners of his mouth wouldn’t rise, pressed down by his facial muscles. To hide this awkward expression that was neither a smile nor expressionless, he pretended to drink his coffee.
“I’m not feeling well.”
“Young man not taking care of himself.”
He clicks his tongue disapprovingly. Hyun-se lowered his head, pretending not to hear. He focused all his energy on suppressing the sharp feeling that kept trying to rise.
“Well, I heard from Minister Kim. You’re going to have the ceremony this year, right? Why should I hear such good news from him? It would be better if you reported to me immediately yourself. Living away from home has made you lose your mind.”
“…”
“Seo-hee, she’s not just because of Minister Kim, but she’s really a good and virtuous girl. These days kids are selfishly refusing to have children, but Seo-hee, that child admirably says she’ll have a baby right after marriage. When a child comes, even if you stray, it’s the existence of a mother that brings you back.”
At those words, Gi-bbeum tightly clenched her hand resting on her thigh. Her expression remained calm. Though he saw this right in front of him, Hyun-se just kept his eyes lowered.
“If you just keep her in check well, that child will take care of the Yanghaedong officetel on her own. Everyone has a flaw or two, after all.”
As the lecture continued, Hyun-se thought of other things. If he didn’t, he felt like he might jump up and leave right away, even if the patriarch hit him on the back of the head with a golf club. Things to finish today, issues to resolve this week, leaving here to return to the hotel, imagining lying on the bed and closing his eyes, and…
Kwon Si-yul.
