Chapter 96
The door closed. The sound of the elevator arriving crept through the door crack, and soon the heavy mechanical sound grew more distant. Wondering if he might come back up, if he might hear knocking on the door or the sound of the keypad being pressed, Hyun-se stood there blankly waiting.
Time passed, but there was no sign of anyone returning. Somehow his neck felt stiff, and he slowly lowered his head. He noticed the new shoes. Si-yul had knelt down and put them on him personally, calling it a gift. Perhaps because they were new, even just standing still, his instep and ankles throbbed unbearably.
He took off the shoes and slumped down on the sofa. He sank his body into the backrest. His eyeballs felt dry, so he closed his eyelids. The light painfully beat down on them.
Damn it… He cursed, raising his arm to cover his eyes. In the pitch-black curtain, Si-yul’s back flickered. He had always been small, but today he looked even smaller. His head, shoulders, even his nape and back. It seemed like if he grasped him in his hand, he would crumble like a sandcastle built on waves.
‘This is the last time. Don’t go.’
What expression did Si-yul turn back with at those words? It was a resolute look. There was determination in his eyes to sever this relationship no matter what.
How many times had he caught him? Confined him, chased after him, ignored his tear-filled pleas to let him go, and like a malicious stalker, watched and received reports on his every move. He could do the same thing again. If he hadn’t seen those eyes. Even if he held him, it felt like he would wither away or break his small bird-like neck and die. How could he do that? There was no justification left to hold onto him.
‘I’m leaving.’
A voice devoid of lingering feelings or affection. A self-deprecating laugh escaped. Finding something amusing, Hyun-se’s shoulders shook as he giggled for a while, then let out a quiet “Ha…” as he caught his breath.
Had he ever been this obsessed with someone before?
Looking back, it was madness. What great emotion could he have felt for an orphan, a kid who used to sell drugs? He must have gone crazy. He needed to come to his senses. He had to bury those bewitched days in the past and return to reality.
From the start, it wasn’t that serious. It was light enough to play around for a while and discard when bored. There’s a saying about fleeting relationships for a reason. In fact, he had never felt troubled when breaking up with people he dated before. Si-yul shouldn’t be any different from them.
It’s over.
The other let go, and he withdrew his hand too.
That’s all there is to it.
He lowered his arm and looked up at the ceiling. As he felt in his pocket, his hand grasped a cigarette pack. He took one out and put it in his mouth. When Si-yul was staying, he consciously didn’t smoke. Perhaps because of that, the cigarette pack, though opened for quite some time, was still heavy.
“…I’m tired.”
He lit it and took a deep drag. After soaking his lungs with smoke, he slowly exhaled. Although it was the cigarette he always smoked, the smell spreading through the house felt unfamiliar, like traces left by someone else.
Nothing had changed. The emptiness was an emotion one would feel even after removing a potted plant that had been in the house. The next day was fine. Except for not being able to sleep due to the awkwardness of the eerily quiet house. He opened his eyes in the morning, stared blankly at the empty space beside him for a moment, then got up.
After washing, he went to the kitchen and closed the refrigerator he had opened out of habit. There was no reason to make breakfast anymore. He headed to the dressing room, put on his clothes, and paused while choosing a tie. Feeling as if someone was watching from behind, he turned his head.
‘Can I choose your tie for you?’
The illusion of him sitting on the long chair, swinging his legs and looking at him, briefly flashed by. He grabbed any tie while shaking off the lingering image in his mind. He raised his shirt collar and started to tie the tie. But he couldn’t finish it. It felt like hands with long fingers and particularly white skin were resting on the tie.
“…”
He roughly hung the tie on the hanger and left the room. He picked up his car keys and made it to the entrance. As he opened the shoe cabinet, those shoes he had carelessly left on the floor caught his eye. Not wanting to touch them, he had left them there, with one flipped over and the other standing crookedly.
He quickly averted his gaze and took out different shoes. As he put them on and stepped out, just like in the dressing room, he heard a voice from behind that shouldn’t be there.
It can’t be.
He knew that. Yet his head turned towards it automatically.
‘Have a good day. Drive safely.’
With toast crumbs on the side of his lips, wearing loose pajamas, rubbing his eyes still heavy with sleep, he used to greet him. Finding it adorable, he would wrap his arms around his waist and…
His eyelids throbbed at the consecutive memories. He pressed his fingers hard against the bridge of his nose to drive away the headache and looked straight ahead. He opened the front door and went outside. Ignoring the invisible force that kept pulling him back.
The silence of the house remained the same even after returning from work. Neither the sound of the second hand, nor the occasional mechanical noise, nor the distant sounds could break the strange quietude.
The stillness that was once familiar now felt irritating. He searched for the remote and pressed the power button. As the TV turned on, the light from the screen and the sound of advertisements filled every corner of the dim house.
Guests on an unknown program burst into loud laughter. Though that was equally displeasing, it was better than hearing no sound at all. Leaving the sound on, he went into the bathroom. Even after washing, the tedious variety show was still not over. Thinking the news might be better, he changed the channel.
He should dry his hair.
It’s just annoying unless someone else does it for him. His hand, which had been rubbing his hair with a towel, slowly stopped. Such daily routines weren’t bothersome before.
Feeling stubborn, he got up. He picked up the hair dryer, but that was as far as he got. He didn’t want to turn it on. It wasn’t his job. He should lower his head, and someone else should gently run their hands through his hair and dry it for him.
‘I’m not going to like you anymore, hyung.’
Who.
Si-yul not liking me. How should I have reacted to those words? Should I at least bow my head and thank him for liking me until now? Can human emotions be folded so easily? If you decide not to do it from today, does that mean your feelings for me are cut in half and thrown away like garbage from that day?
Is all of that easier than breathing for Si-yul?
There was a cracking sound of something breaking, and he looked down. The handle part of the hair dryer in his grip had a deep crack. The sharp edge had scratched his palm, leaving a long wound. Blood pooled there in a round shape before trickling down.
“Ha…”
He felt most pathetic for recalling Si-yul over such a passing incident. He was nothing short of an idiot. He put down the hair dryer and headed to the sink. He turned on the water and held his injured palm under it. The diluted blood was sucked into the drain.
After a simple treatment, he entered the bedroom. He deliberately organized tomorrow’s tasks in his mind as he lay on the bed. Though he was clearly tired, he couldn’t fall asleep at all, as if he had suddenly developed lifelong insomnia.
Was this place always this spacious?
The table, stand, bed, the simple room was the same as always, yet it felt empty like a vacant room. He tossed and turned, then lay on his side. There was a pillow that had lost its owner. He meant to remove it, but left it there with the excuse of being busy with work. He raised his body to throw it away now, pulling the pillow.
That’s when he discovered it. A tiny trace. A single thin strand of hair lay quietly on top of it. It was straight black hair without any bends.
Si-yul’s hair was particularly thick. Though it only covered his ears in length, it took a long time under warm air to dry. As if it had never been dyed, it was smooth in texture and its color was like the darkest, highest night sky. In contrast, his ears and forehead below were as white as the snow he saw at the island villa, making his already youthful face look even younger.
When their eyes met while drying his hair, he would smile brightly until his tear moles faded, and emit a rich fragrance like wisteria flowers hanging heavily in May. Rubbing his cheek against his palm, smiling as if he couldn’t be happier—
Even though he had done that.
He wanted to throw the pillow away. No, he wanted to remove it from his sight completely. But Hyun-se just held the pillow, endlessly staring at the strand of hair that had fallen on it.
He clenched his fist until the recently clotted wound reopened, then slowly reached out to pick up the hair.
This mere strand of hair, he could blow it away like dust.
Hyun-se couldn’t do anything, just holding the thread-like hair in his hand. Unable to throw it away, unable to fully embrace it.
