Chapter 82
Waking up startled from nightmares became more frequent. Similar dreams continued like sequels. In one dream, Kwon Yuwon appeared dead, and in another, Si-yul watched Hyun-se’s wedding as an uninvited guest.
When Si-yul woke up gasping, Hyun-se would gently caress any part of him he could reach and kindly ask what dream he had. Each time, Si-yul’s insides would churn. The Hyun-se from his dreams, walking hand in hand with someone else and receiving everyone’s blessings, overlapped with the real Hyun-se. Even his embrace became hateful, and Si-yul often pushed him away forcefully.
“Why, why did you do that?”
He would throw tantrums mixed with resentment, lying that Hyun-se had hit him in the dream, that he had slapped his cheek like on the first day. Clutching Hyun-se’s clothes and shedding tears, he often cried out like he was having a fit, saying he really hated him.
He didn’t reveal that Hyun-se had abandoned him in a cold, dark place and disappeared. He had already been rejected when he desperately asked Hyun-se not to marry. Knowing how firm that decision was, he knew being honest would only be treated as childish whining.
“It’s just a dream.”
Each time, Hyun-se would tirelessly hold Si-yul tight and comfort him. Even while buried in Hyun-se’s arms, Si-yul felt cold. The chill that cut through his flesh in the dream seemed to follow him into reality, tormenting him.
Whether due to restless sleep from endless nightmares or his loss of appetite, Si-yul withered like a plant deprived of sunlight. His once rosy white skin took on a sickly pale hue, and his wrists grew thinner, bones protruding. His clothes became even looser, and if he forgot his belt, his pants would slip down to barely cling to his hips.
“Why have you lost so much weight?”
“I’m on a diet. I gained too much weight from all the health tonics you’ve been feeding me.”
While his emotions were only erratic at night, Si-yul became surprisingly calm when morning came. He could even pretend to be normal.
Even when Si-yul joked, Hyun-se didn’t laugh back. The worry and concern in Hyun-se’s hands caressing Si-yul’s cheeks and in his gaze were unmistakable. Si-yul forced a smile. For a moment, unsure if he was really smiling, he touched his lips. Feeling the corners turned up, he was reassured.
“I’m really not sick anywhere. It’s just winter, so I don’t have much appetite.”
Upon hearing this, Hyun-se immediately hired a helper. Someone famous for their cooking skills. He had tried to hire one before, but Si-yul had opposed it then. He had felt uncomfortable having someone else in the house when he was alone, and argued there was no need to call someone when he was eating the boxed meals well.
But this time, Si-yul didn’t object. He had no opinion on whatever Hyun-se did. He would just nod, or say “do as you like” as if it wasn’t his business, and quietly step back.
On the surface, Si-yul smiled, reacted, and chatted at length to keep conversations going, but inside he was quiet. It was like a dark forest where the blizzard had stopped but snowflakes continued to swirl.
Si-yul watched himself looking at Hyun-se as if watching a stranger in a movie. When alone, the water rose to just below his neck. If he didn’t lift his head, it felt like even his nose would be submerged. His hands, feet, legs, and body already felt powerless, as if soaked in water.
Si-yul was slowly sinking. Into the dark, cold water, like the place he had sat in his dream.
They had gone out to eat a few times, but it was mostly for dinner. It was rare for them to go out during the day. Si-yul looked at the scenery passing by outside the car window.
On the lunchtime streets, office workers in coats and padded jackets gathered in small groups, hurrying past with coffee in hand. Though he couldn’t know how they felt about returning to work, Si-yul watched them with slightly envious eyes. At least the people with employee badges around their necks earned money by their own hands and had a place to return to.
A place to return to.
He rubbed his face with both hands. He had another nightmare without fail this morning. Though he should be used to it by now, having experienced it so often, perhaps because it was a dream, he was slow to adapt. He woke up drenched in cold sweat.
It was dawn, not yet light. Worried about waking Hyun-se lying next to him, he quietly went to the living room. Even after quenching his parched throat, he didn’t feel like returning to the bedroom, so he sat quietly on a kitchen chair. Even with his head resting on the table and eyes closed, sleep didn’t come easily.
As he aimlessly followed the movement of the second hand with his eyes, he sensed a presence behind him. Hyun-se was there, watching him, though Si-yul didn’t know when he had arrived.
“I came out quietly so I wouldn’t wake you.”
As Si-yul smiled awkwardly, Hyun-se came over in one stride and hugged him. Si-yul’s cheek pressed against Hyun-se’s chest, warmer than usual after sleep.
“Why are you up?”
“Just woke up thirsty.”
“Another nightmare?”
“…”
“What nightmares are you having so often? Should we change your sleeping arrangements?”
A large hand suddenly touched his forehead. It brushed back his hair and rubbed his cheeks and earlobes. Si-yul’s eyes flickered drowsily at the gentle touch. Suddenly, sleepiness washed over him. But fearing the nightmare would continue, he forced his eyes open.
Hyun-se picked Si-yul up in his arms like a child. Si-yul let his body go limp, leaning against the firm chest as they returned to the bedroom.
The blanket came up to his neck. Hyun-se stretched out his arm as a pillow and patted Si-yul’s chest as if putting a child to sleep. In that embrace, Si-yul kept his eyes closed. Until Hyun-se’s breathing deepened. Despite the soft bed, Hyun-se’s comforting scent, and the soothing touch, sleep didn’t come.
“We’ve arrived.”
The security guard’s voice woke Si-yul, who had been half-dozing. Si-yul rubbed his eyes and got out of the car. Following the guard’s guidance, he staggered onto the elevator.
The elevator numbers rose quickly. Without stopping in between, it shot up and stopped at a high floor. Si-yul walked down the corridor mechanically. He didn’t notice the color of the walls or what was hanging on them.
Finally entering the office, an employee busy working at the desk stood up. Seeing the security guard behind Si-yul, they said “Ah” and guided him, saying they were waiting.
Si-yul had no idea where this was or why he had come. No, he wasn’t interested. Only when the door opened and he saw the scene inside did light slowly return to his unfocused eyes.
Unsure if what he was seeing was real, or if the vile nightmare had moved to reality to torment him in a different way, he rubbed his eyes hard. Only after blinking several times did he see the figures sitting on the sofa.
Hyun-se stood up first. But Si-yul’s gaze was fixed on the person who sprang up right in front of Hyun-se.
His face had become gaunt, showing how much he had suffered while out of Si-yul’s sight. His eyes had become even sharper and fiercer, and the clothes he wore hung loosely as if about to fall off. Even the wrists visible under his sleeves had protruding bones that looked like they would bruise at the slightest bump.
His hair was longer too. Though he had tied it back carelessly as if it was cumbersome, he still had a dazzlingly handsome appearance. Si-yul’s chin trembled at the strong scent of oranges wafting over.
“You…”
His voice shook too. His eyeballs burned hot, and tears fell without restraint. Seeing this, Kwon Yuwon rushed over and hugged Si-yul tightly.
It was a suffocating embrace. Si-yul hugged Yuwon back just as fiercely. His cheeks were quickly soaked. He tried to hold back the rising sobs, but soon buried his face in Yuwon’s shoulder and shook with muffled cries.
“You, what happened to you? Did that bastard not feed you? Why have you lost so much weight?”
Yuwon fired questions like bullets, lifting Si-yul’s face smeared with tears and snot. He pressed Si-yul’s cheeks flat with both palms, then pinched and pulled them like rice cakes with his index finger and thumb, bumped their foreheads together, then moved his head back to squint and examine every detail. He scrutinized Si-yul closely, like inspecting a kitten that had run away and just returned home.
Though the word “bastard” bothered him, Si-yul was busy looking at Yuwon too. He wanted to ask why Yuwon had lost so much weight, what he had been doing all this time, but he couldn’t say a word as he was sniffling with tears and snot running down his face.
When he opened his mouth, only hiccuping sobs burst out repeatedly. In the past, Yuwon might have scolded him for crying like a girl, but given how long they had been apart, even Yuwon’s eyes were as red as Si-yul’s.
“I told you. You lose weight so easily if you skip a few meals, so I said to eat three proper meals a day. What is this, you’re nothing but bones. Hey, didn’t you feed him?”
Yuwon glared fiercely at Hyun-se. Si-yul shook his head vigorously. He wanted to explain about the health tonics, boxed meals, and even the housekeeper that had been provided abundantly, but these damn tears were the problem. Instead of words, Si-yul rubbed his wet eyes roughly against Yuwon’s shoulder.
Unable to watch any longer, Hyun-se strode over and separated the two who were stuck together. He pulled Si-yul towards him and took out a handkerchief to carefully wipe his wet face. Park Hae-jung, who had been sitting on the sofa watching for a chance to intervene, turned away as if not wanting to see such a sight.
