Chapter 109
“What?”
Si-yul’s heart pounded heavily. Breaking off the engagement. That word he had been waiting for and longing to hear came from Hyun-se’s mouth. He wasn’t asking because he had misheard. It was out of surprise.
“So…”
“Why?”
Si-yul was truly okay with things as they were. He didn’t want to tear down the wall he had painstakingly built over a long time. If that wall crumbled, he would be the one getting hurt. He didn’t like repeating the cycle of hope and disappointment. It had been a painful experience.
“You don’t have to… break off the engagement. Not anymore.”
He meant it. His feelings for Hyun-se were something he could keep to himself. Occasionally hearing news about Hyun-se as if by chance and secretly being happy about it – that was the line Si-yul should stay behind.
“No. I’m going to do it.”
“…”
“I’m going to do it and come back to you.”
The spoon stirring the rice soup stopped abruptly. Don’t be fooled. Don’t believe it. He would be the one getting hurt again if he did.
“But… if you say you’re getting married again later…”
He didn’t think he could endure going through the same thing twice. How hard had he struggled to live after leaving Hyun-se’s house? Erasing, ignoring, avoiding the name, scent, and presence that kept coming to mind. Yet still being captivated, wishing to meet even in dreams.
If Hyun-se abandoned him one more time, Si-yul’s already minimal sense of self-worth might fall to the ground, becoming less than dust trampled by others.
Then he would truly want to die. He would want to disappear completely, without a shred of attachment to life.
His eyes felt hot. He had cried so much at dawn and didn’t want to shed more tears. If he cried here, he’d undoubtedly be labeled a crybaby. He held back, shoving the now-cold rice soup into his mouth.
“That won’t happen.”
The answer was firm. Si-yul swallowed the food in his mouth and looked up blankly. The whites of Hyun-se’s eyes, usually spotless, were slightly reddened. They seemed moist, but not quite to the point of tears falling.
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you’re the only person I want to marry, Kwon Si-yul.”
He said it calmly, bringing a cup of water to his lips. Just like when he had asked, “Should we sleep together?” by the river once.
“I’ll wait until you accept me. Thanks to someone, I’m good at waiting now.”
That voice, that sentence, instantly demolished the wall Si-yul had worked so hard to build. It had been a wall full of cracks and gaps from the start. A precarious wall that would collapse if just poked with a finger, and Hyun-se had broken through it all too easily.
You knock me down and build me up again, then knock me down with just a gesture…
Si-yul hung his head low. His expression was surely contorted beyond his control. He felt like he might burst into tears or laughter. Si-yul had no idea what name to give to this surging emotion.
Was it anger?
No, he soon realized. It was euphoria. His cheeks and forehead were hot, and his ears felt like they might burn off. He spread his hands wide, covering his face as much as possible.
“Hyung, you’re really too much.”
All he could do was complain resentfully. Hyun-se was truly an expert at lifting Si-yul to great heights, dropping him to the ground, and then lifting him up again.
How could he be so foolish?
He hadn’t learned anything despite all he’d been through. In front of Hyun-se, all the standards and resolutions he had set crumbled like hastily stacked straw. The threats he had heard were scary, the wounds he had received were painful, and the mental anguish he had endured was still vivid in his mind and heart.
Nevertheless, he liked Hyun-se. There was nothing better than this, no matter how hard he looked. In his insignificant life where he had nothing particular he wanted to have or do, this was the one thing he craved most.
“I know.”
Hyun-se gently took Si-yul’s hands and removed them from his face. Through the gap, Si-yul saw Hyun-se smiling mischievously like a young boy. It was an incredibly shameless smile.
Then, as now, Si-yul fell for it completely. He was someone who couldn’t help but fall for it.
Leaving the restaurant, Si-yul stared blankly at Hyun-se’s back. In fact, Si-yul had planned to say goodbye to Hyun-se after breakfast.
“…”
That had been his resolve until coming here. But now his thoughts had completely changed. Living without seeing this person for the rest of his life was too cruel. Hadn’t misfortune already consumed much of his life since birth? He wanted to keep Hyun-se as his one piece of good fortune.
To do that, he needed to be confident in front of Hyun-se. Having made his decision, Si-yul took out an envelope he had secretly brought along. He had shoved it in a corner and hadn’t looked at it since that day.
“Hyung. I’m returning this to you.”
As he handed over the envelope, Hyun-se looked at him quizzically. After opening it, his expression immediately hardened.
“What is this?”
“That… someone who doesn’t look like you gave it to me. But I don’t want to accept it.”
The fierce threat to devastate every place and person Si-yul would encounter still frightened him. But he mustered his courage. The reality of not being able to see Hyun-se was more terrifying than the threat of ruining his life. Difficult times might come in the future, but he felt like he was dying right now, so he’d think about that after surviving.
“It was given to me to stop seeing you… but I just can’t do that.”
Hyun-se’s face turned grim as he looked down at the envelope. Si-yul flinched. The scent that brushed against his skin was sharp like a spear tip. Though not visible to the naked eye, it seemed as if dark heat haze was shimmering beyond Hyun-se’s shoulders.
The overwhelming scent made Si-yul’s head spin and his stomach churn. Acidic liquid rose in his throat, and he covered his mouth with a groan. When he managed to call out “Hyung,” the fragmented scent finally softened. But it hadn’t completely dissipated. It still bristled sharply, as if difficult to conceal.
The envelope in Hyun-se’s hand crumpled instantly. He exhaled a long breath as if exhaling cigarette smoke, running his hand through his hair.
“When?”
“A few days ago.”
Lost in thought for a moment, Hyun-se suddenly seemed to realize something and turned sharply to look at Si-yul. Then he grabbed both of Si-yul’s shoulders and scrutinized him from face to body. Confused by the sudden intensity, Si-yul looked at him bewilderedly. This time, Hyun-se grabbed the hem of Si-yul’s top and lifted it up.
Even in a deserted alley, one never knows when someone might pass by. Si-yul hurriedly tried to pull it down, but Hyun-se’s hand gripping the fabric was firm. His gaze was directed at Si-yul’s abdomen, where bruises were still fading. A grinding sound came from his clenched teeth. The muscles under his jaw tensed, creating a visible line.
Above all, the fierce scent that had been barely suppressed rose again as if to saturate the entire surroundings. Si-yul’s face turned pale. Only after he grabbed Hyun-se’s hand, his cheeks puffed as if about to vomit, did the intensity subside.
“Where, where were you hit?”
Was it his imagination, or did the end of Hyun-se’s voice tremble slightly? Si-yul hesitated whether to reveal it. As he bit his lip and hesitated, Hyun-se silently urged him on. Feeling like Hyun-se would uncover everything no matter how much he tried to hide it, Si-yul reluctantly opened his mouth.
“My face and stomach…”
He traced those areas with his hand. The memory of that time made him squeeze his eyes shut. Back then, he had been scared and angry, but now, with time passed, it was okay. It was all in the past. The burst wounds had scabbed over, fallen off, and new skin had grown. Only faint bruises remained.
“It doesn’t hurt at all now. Don’t worry.”
He added reassuringly, but Hyun-se’s expression only darkened further. Si-yul tilted his head to meet Hyun-se’s eyes and smiled brightly.
“Really, I’m fine—”
Before he could finish speaking, Hyun-se embraced him tightly. Si-yul’s cheek was pressed against Hyun-se’s firm chest. With one arm around Si-yul’s waist and the other hand cradling the back of his head, Hyun-se pulled him into his embrace. The hug was so tight that Si-yul’s breath was cut off.
“I’m sorry.”
“…”
“I’m sorry.”
Si-yul had raised his hands to push Hyun-se away, but he hesitated at the low voice whispering next to his ear.
Si-yul changed the course of his hands and slowly embraced Hyun-se’s waist. His breath was still constricted, but he didn’t want to miss the steady heartbeat pounding against his eardrum. In the gentle scent that seemed like it would block the cool wind, in the warmth that melted his body, Si-yul wanted to stay for a long time. For a very long time to come.
* * *
Seo-hee calmly sat down in the cafe chair. It was quite far from the company. Her “fiancé,” who usually communicated via text or left everything to the wedding planner if even that was too bothersome, had called her out saying he had something important to discuss.
When she suggested doing it via text, he insisted it had to be face-to-face because it was important. She adamantly refused his offer to come near her workplace and set the appointment as far away as possible.
