Love Me More

Chapter 107

The streetlight seeped into Si-yul’s eyes. They swelled, filled with moisture, then wetted his eyelashes and rolled down. They had just stopped, but Hyun-se ruined it all. Tears flowed steadily as if his tear ducts were broken.

He cleared his choked throat with a “Why.”

“Why, why are you saying this now? Why at this point? Why?”

Once again, Hyun-se was stabbing him repeatedly, using affection as a weapon. This is why Si-yul couldn’t reduce his affection by even a single spoonful. No matter how much he struggled to distance himself, the mountain of his feelings only swelled, never diminishing.

He wanted to hug him. At the same time, he wanted to push him away. Unable to do either, Si-yul collapsed on the spot.

Why don’t you love me more?

Love me enough that you wouldn’t even think about marriage.

I could love you so much more.

If only you did that, I wouldn’t let go of your hand until the moment I died.

Unable to utter any of the words piled up inside, Si-yul just cried. He didn’t want to show such a pathetic sight, but his eyes wouldn’t dry. That single phrase, “I love you,” had burst open the floodgates beneath his eyes.

Now he understood. That sentence was the one thing he had been desperately longing for all this time.

“I really hate you, hyung.”

Unable to voice other resentments or coldly reject him, Si-yul just threw a tantrum, like on the first day Hyun-se had confined him. He didn’t return the words of love. That was the extent to which Si-yul could maintain his pride.

Hyun-se knelt down and sat facing him. He reached out his hand very carefully, like a child who had done something wrong. Si-yul turned his head sharply, refusing. Hyun-se, his fingers curling in the air, tried to meet Si-yul’s gaze.

“I’ve never experienced this before, so I don’t know what to do. What should I do next? Senior Kwon Si-yul, please tell me.”

Just as he had called him senior in bed before, Hyun-se coaxed Si-yul as if trying to soften the atmosphere. His desperate voice indeed sounded like a child asking for the correct answer.

He shouldn’t give in here. Recalling all the hardships he had endured, Si-yul clenched his fists. He bit his lip painfully and struggled to steady his wavering heart.

But.

He glanced up at Hyun-se. The other was anxiously watching Si-yul’s lips, waiting for what he would say. His steady gaze seemed to pierce through Si-yul’s tightly concealed inner thoughts.

Usually, he always smiled with composure. Wasn’t it unfair for him to look at Si-yul like a puppy drenched in the rain?

Wiggling his toes, wet from the rain splashes, Si-yul muttered in a tiny voice, “For now…” He couldn’t keep Hyun-se kneeling on the cold floor forever.

“Come in.”

* * *

“Let me stay the night.”

Hyun-se brazenly demanded. Si-yul refused, of course. He had offered shelter until the rain stopped, not an invitation to spend the night. It felt awkward to spend the night together in a relationship that was now hard to define. When Si-yul shook his head, Hyun-se added with a smile:

“I won’t do anything.”

How many times had he said that and then tormented him all night? Even as Si-yul looked at him with disbelief, Hyun-se had already stepped into the room. His head almost touched the ceiling. His crown did touch the bulging light fixture.

It wouldn’t be impossible to drive him out, but looking outside, it was still raining steadily. Si-yul sighed deeply. He wasn’t heartless enough to send away someone who had come drenched.

Just one day should be fine, right?

Just one night.

Letting him stay didn’t mean Si-yul had completely accepted Hyun-se. The wounds he had received were still too vivid, not even scabbed over, to erase everything over a single phrase.

There was no spare toothbrush at home. Water was needed too. Tap water was fine for him, but he couldn’t offer the same to Hyun-se. As Si-yul put on his coat to go out briefly, Hyun-se suddenly grabbed the hem of his clothes, as if Si-yul might leave him behind.

“Where are you going?”

“To buy a toothbrush. I don’t have one for you.”

“I’ll go.”

“Then let’s go together.”

There was only one umbrella. Si-yul looked alternately at Hyun-se’s broad shoulders and the umbrella. He couldn’t let the already wet person get wetter, so he offered it to Hyun-se.

Yet as they walked in the rain, the umbrella was constantly tilted towards Si-yul. Si-yul kept glancing at the other’s shoulders, which were getting soaked a darker shade. Even when he insisted he was fine and pushed the umbrella handle towards Hyun-se, the other shook his head.

“I’m already soaked anyway, so it doesn’t matter.”

The walk to the convenience store felt both long and short. Unlike earlier when it had been unstable and turbulent, Hyun-se’s scent was now calm and settled. That subtle fragrance mixed with the thick mist left by the rain, seeping into Si-yul’s skin like moisture.

At the convenience store, they put a new razor and toothbrush in the basket. Si-yul glanced at Hyun-se’s back and, figuring his underwear must be soaked too, picked up new underwear as well. Aside from the discomfort of giving his own to the other, the size wouldn’t fit anyway. Would even one foot fit past the calf?

As Si-yul laid out the items at the counter, Hyun-se put down the bottled water and drinks he had been holding. Si-yul lowered his eyes. It was the yogurt drink he often drank.

“Hyung, you don’t drink that.”

“I do now.”

“Didn’t you dislike sweet things?”

“…That’s true.”

Hyun-se looked down at the drink and chuckled. Si-yul’s gaze lingered on the corners of his mouth, which lifted easily.

“I must have gotten addicted in the meantime.”

As if to prove it, Hyun-se opened the drink as soon as they left the store. He drank it coolly but still frowned. Even though he made excuses about the strong carbonation, he couldn’t fool Si-yul. That was the expression of someone forcing down something they disliked.

“See? You don’t like it.”

“Hahaha—” Si-yul finally burst out laughing. He couldn’t help but laugh at Hyun-se, who had insisted on taking a sip despite disliking it and was now furrowing his brow.

How long did he laugh, holding his stomach? Tears even formed in his eyes. Feeling a sharp gaze on his cheek, he wiped away his tears and turned his head. Hyun-se was quietly looking down at him.

He had seen his smiling face countless times, but this time was a bit different. It was gentler, sweeter, and the eyes visible through his narrow eye-smile seemed capable of melting a person. Even his enveloping scent was closer to sweet honey than a winter forest.

“Ahem,” Si-yul cleared his throat and suppressed his laughter. His ears were burning. He pulled up his hood to cover them.

“Give it here. I’ll drink it.”

Hyun-se willingly handed over the drink. Si-yul deliberately gulped it down. It had been a while since he’d had this drink. The taste hadn’t changed a bit from the first time to now. It was still sweet.

Perhaps because they had shared a good laugh at the convenience store, being alone with Hyun-se in the small room wasn’t as awkward as at first. Si-yul was watching the muted TV when he heard the bathroom door open and turned his head.

Hyun-se came out after washing. Seeing his wet hair, Si-yul suddenly wanted to grab a hair dryer and dry it for him. Every time he did that, Hyun-se would narrow his eyes and smile contentedly, like a cat basking in sunlight on the floor.

But he couldn’t use a hair dryer at this late hour in the inn. People would bang on the walls complaining about the noise, or sometimes even come directly to point fingers and curse. Though he kept pretending to forget, they weren’t on those terms anymore. To Hyun-se, who was looking at him as if expecting something, Si-yul shook his head.

“Just dry it with a towel. We can’t use a hair dryer here.”

Hyun-se rubbed his wet hair with a towel, his touch tinged with disappointment. It would dry quickly anyway, given how short it was.

Meanwhile, Si-yul busily laid out the bedding. He had tried to get more from the innkeeper, but they were out. With only two blankets available, he gave the fluffy one to Hyun-se as a mat. He placed his own blanket about a pillow’s distance away from Hyun-se.

Despite buying new underwear, it didn’t fit Hyun-se. With no other choice, Si-yul found a pair of baggy pants that were too big for him and had been tucked away in a corner, and handed them over. Even these clung to Hyun-se’s thighs when he put them on.

Si-yul tried his best not to look in that direction. But the firm legs and the inevitable outline of Hyun-se’s lower body kept tempting him.

Taking advantage of a moment when Hyun-se turned away, Si-yul shook his head and pinched his own thigh hard. The stinging pain snapped him back to his senses.