Chapter 105
“…Who are you to me?”
The unexpected response made Hyun-se, who had been looking elsewhere, turn his head. From the same distance as before, Si-yul glared at Hyun-se with clenched fists. His eyes were cold.
“Who are you to me? We’re nothing to each other now.”
“Kwon Si-yul.”
He called the name like a sigh. Si-yul tried to brush past him. His strides were wide and quick. Hyun-se grabbed him to stop him from leaving. Si-yul coldly shook him off.
“What do you want from me?”
There was so much. Too much. Not knowing where to start, Hyun-se kept his lips tightly sealed as he struggled to organize his chaotic thoughts.
He suddenly recalled the broken hair dryer and a single strand of black, fine hair stuck to the pillow, the afterimages that didn’t leave his sight even when he moved from home to hotels. All the foolish actions of picking up and putting down his phone dozens of times wanting to hear Si-yul’s voice, rereading their text messages until he memorized them, and almost getting up to grab his car keys.
He couldn’t bring himself to reveal these symptoms to Si-yul. This was a phenomenon that had never occurred when someone left his side, not even when it was his mother.
Si-yul had taken something from him. He had stolen and extorted it. But Hyun-se still didn’t know what it was.
Waiting for Hyun-se, who stood like a statue, to speak, Si-yul let out a bitter laugh. “Ha…” Deep disappointment clouded his crumpled eyes.
“You confuse me every time you do this. No matter what I say, you’re going to get married anyway, aren’t you? If you’re going to abandon me in the end, why do you keep shaking me up like this? Stop playing with me. Please, just stop.”
Had he ever played with Si-yul? Had he ever thought of abandoning him?
The beginning was certainly interest. Let’s play with this young, immature kid who has no one to help him. Let’s pretend to be a saint and offer some help. When did those feelings change?
When he opened his eyes one morning, when sunlight fell on Si-yul’s cheek, when he smiled brightly at him, when he called him “hyung” for the first time, when he gently cuddled up and boldly hugged back, when he kept trying to pull away and get off his feet, worried about hurting them.
At every single moment, without exception.
“I’ve sorted everything out now. I don’t… like you anymore. Not at all.”
But now Si-yul was saying there was no longer any tie between them. The same lips that had confessed love now declared they didn’t like him.
“I won’t see you anymore. I won’t move either. Don’t contact me ever again.”
He couldn’t give any answer. Si-yul no longer belonged to him. The day he opened the door and left, the day he put shoes on Hyun-se’s feet, Si-yul had stepped out of the fence Hyun-se had built.
The fact he had only recognized intellectually now reached his heart. He could no longer make any demands of Si-yul.
Hyun-se and Si-yul were not “we,” but “I” and “you.”
“I’m going.”
Si-yul’s eyes were red. He didn’t shed tears. Yet his face looked like he was crying. Hyun-se wanted to hug him, but Si-yul passed by indifferently. Hyun-se couldn’t bring himself to look back. He couldn’t grab him. He couldn’t hold onto him.
Even after the sound of footsteps faded away, Hyun-se stood there blankly.
Outside the alley was noisy. But around Hyun-se, who remained in the gap between buildings, it was strangely quiet. Though he urged himself to leave, saying it was all over, he couldn’t take a single step, as if tree roots were tangled around his ankles.
Noise and neon lights from the main street seeped into the alley, but didn’t reach where Hyun-se stood. Remaining in the darkness, Hyun-se endlessly stared at the place Si-yul had left, as if the other might return, take his hand, and pull him into the light.
It was only much later that he realized this was a vain delusion. Hyun-se took out a cigarette pack from his pocket. He had desperately wanted to smoke since being with Si-yul. As he took out a cigarette and put it between his lips, he noticed his fingers holding the cigarette were trembling slightly. It wasn’t because of the cold. “Fuck,” he cursed, clenching his fist.
Si-yul had left. He had known it was over, but it hadn’t been this clear. His stomach churned as if he might vomit. Even deeply inhaling the smoke to calm himself was useless.
He tried to attribute it to lack of sleep, dealing with numerous tasks, the alcohol he drank earlier going bad – various superficial reasons, but he knew the truth. It was Si-yul who was scratching his insides with sharp claws.
He had arrogantly thought that since the other left first, he could just let go. It’s not like he hadn’t experienced breakups before. He believed that as time passed, the emptiness would disappear and he could go on as usual. That too was an illusion. What had been possible with others was impossible when it came to Si-yul.
He didn’t want to let go. He didn’t want it to end.
This miserable feeling was a first for him. It felt as if he had been endlessly falling into an abyss, and then shattered upon hitting the ground at Si-yul’s words of not liking him. The pain seemed to pierce through his chest bone and crush his heart along with it. The void Si-yul left was too large. It wasn’t a size that could be filled.
Si-yul was a weed. A common weed that somehow caught his eye.
As weeds often do, Si-yul had, without anyone noticing, sent dense roots deep into him. Though he hadn’t watered it, it absorbed sunlight on its own and grew vigorously. He was a dandelion, a violet, a wild rose. Blooming wildly and profusely, he filled the field with his scent.
And yet.
After making flowers bloom abundantly in his snow-covered field at will, Si-yul flew away like a butterfly. This couldn’t be. He was the one who had been abandoned.
“…Ah.”
At the sudden realization, Hyun-se lifted his head. As he lowered his trembling hand, the cigarette butt with only the filter remaining fell to the ground.
This was punishment. Punishment for realizing far too late that it was love.
* * *
Si-yul looked up at the building with his mouth agape. The white exterior walls with blue lighting seemed to be modeled after some Mediterranean city. The cars lined up in the parking lot and the attire of the people entering were all elegant and luxurious.
He had thought the company dinner would be at a meat restaurant like last time, but this was completely different. If he had known, he would have dressed up a bit more neatly. He regretted coming in just a shabby hoodie and a faded coat.
Si-yul rubbed his head and pulled at his clothes, trying to smooth out the wrinkles. But that didn’t make him any more similar to the others. Feeling self-conscious about his shabby appearance, he put his hands in his pockets and fiddled with his phone.
Should he call and say something came up and he can’t make it? It’s not too late.
As if seeing through Si-yul’s hesitation, the phone in his hand vibrated. Startled, he took it out to see Tae-joo’s name on the screen. When he answered, Tae-joo cheerfully called out “Hyung!” over the noisy background.
“Where are you?”
“Ah, I’ve arrived. I’m in front of the main entrance.”
“Really? Wait just a moment. I’ll come out right away.”
It was fortunate, as he felt awkward about going through that atmosphere alone. Soon after, Tae-joo came running out. Catching his breath, he bent over with his hands on his knees in front of Si-yul.
“Did you wait long? It’s still cold out, I should have come out earlier. Let’s go in quickly, hyung.”
“Are the others here already?”
“Yes. Everyone came early.”
It seemed he was the last to arrive. He hurried his steps, following Tae-joo’s urging. They passed through corridors and stairs decorated with paintings and sculptures, reaching the third floor.
The entire third floor was in a room format. As they opened the door and entered, Hye-na was the first to spot Si-yul and raised her hand high. Her voice was full of joy as she called out.
“Wow, I thought I’d forget your face.”
“Have you been well?”
“Of course! We should keep in touch more.”
Not just Hye-na, but the bartender and chef also surrounded Si-yul, asking after his well-being. The warm conversation flowing was just like when he used to work at the bar. Si-yul’s tense expression gradually softened.
However, this gathering wasn’t completely comfortable for him. Every time Tae-joo spoke to him, he unconsciously looked for similarities with Hyun-se. Reasons why he shouldn’t have come here in the first place kept popping up, making his seat feel like a bed of thorns.
Though he desperately wanted to leave, Ji-won kept busy making bomb shots like in the old days and passing drinks to Si-yul. Hye-na, excited to meet after a long time, chattered endlessly about pent-up stories. With Tae-joo sitting beside him to prevent him from leaving and joining the conversation, it was impossible to interrupt and leave.
I should say I’m leaving now.
As he sipped his drink, looking for the right moment to speak up, suddenly a thick arm draped over his shoulder.
