#5
That day, I had a dream. I was endlessly falling in the pitch-black darkness where not a single light was visible. It was more like descending than falling. My body was slowly, softly flowing downward. Only after blinking slowly did I realize that this place was the deep sea.
Even as I sank into the dark sea, I felt more longing than fear. The water enveloping my whole body reminded me of the small embrace that held me during the day.
Suddenly, I felt something catch on my finger, and when I looked up, I saw a thin chain. As I gently unclenched my fist, a butterfly-shaped pendant sparkled even in the darkness. Seeing that warm and clear light, I didn’t feel like I would get lost in this vast sea. So, I closed my eyes with relief.
When I woke up in the morning, I unconsciously opened my palm. It seemed like I had been clenching my fist all night, as there were marks on my hand. It felt like I had been holding something, but nothing remained in my hand. I couldn’t remember what it was, but the lingering feeling of being submerged in the deep sea was vivid.
As I clenched and unclenched my fist, I thought. Nam Seonwoo is like the sea. The gentle sea feels like it’s being held in the hand as you clench your fist, but in reality, nothing remains in your hand. As deep as its depth is unfathomable, the sea that crumbles helplessly as you stir it with your hand seemed cozy and at the same time like a mirage.
I didn’t want to lose Nam Seonwoo. I didn’t want to rush in like a child, but the more I watched Nam Seonwoo, who had been in the hospital room all vacation, the more anxious I became, as if he would disappear like sea foam at any moment.
As time passed quickly with my impatience, the day before school started arrived.
Even during the closing ceremony, my heart had been in a hurry at the thought of not being able to see Nam Seonwoo in the classroom starting tomorrow. Now, tomorrow was the start of the new semester, and from tomorrow, I could see him in the classroom from morning till late at night. But my anxious heart did not subside. Now, just being in the same space was not enough. The physical distance alone was not enough to fill.
Moreover, time would flow quickly again as if the vacation had passed. Then, what if we graduate? If we can’t even see each other in the classroom? Just imagining it made me restless. The moment I realized my desire to get closer, I couldn’t delay any longer.
I sat on the swing and waited for Nam Seonwoo. As I practiced the words I had chosen all night in my mouth, Nam Seonwoo walked over.
“Why did you call me out?”
As soon as I heard his sullen voice, a weak smile came out. The words I had practiced many times were already erased from my mind. Nam Seonwoo, who sat on the swing next to me, drew on the sand with the sole of his foot. As I looked at his fidgeting feet, I asked if he knew that ‘Manito’ also meant lover.
“So what?”
The tip of Nam Seonwoo’s ear turned beautifully red. But Nam Seonwoo looked angry again.
“What do you want to do with me?”
I wanted to be someone who could touch his reddened ear. I wanted to stay inside Nam Seonwoo, not just by his side. I wanted to be with Nam Seonwoo, who said that being with someone for a long time was not a good thing, for a long, very long time. I was different from the guy who made Nam Seonwoo think like that.
“So, let’s do Manito again.”
Silence flowed. The creaking sound of the swing stopped, and the wind filled the empty space. Nam Seonwoo bit his lip for a long time with his head lowered. The red light of the sunset was transferred as it was onto his paper-like cheek. As I thought that the red color suited him well, Nam Seonwoo lifted his head.
“Why should I?”
His face looked like he was about to cry. At that moment, a voice echoed in my ears.
‘Just like him.’
Just… just like him. I couldn’t understand why I felt déjà vu from those words I had never heard before. But the voice continued to echo in my ears as if telling me to answer like that. So, I said it as it was. Just… just like him.
“Even if we start dating right away because we like each other, it’s a relationship that ends when we break up, which is what you want to do now.”
Nam Seonwoo showed neither the affirmation of understanding nor the negation of dislike, but anxiety. Seeing him think of the end before even starting made something hot surge and rise. That feeling, resembling frustration, was not directed at Nam Seonwoo. What kind of love did he have? What did the guy he met before do to make Nam Seonwoo show such a frightened look?
“Do we have to break up?”
I had only known Nam Seonwoo for a few months, but I had lived long enough to know that there would be no one ‘like’ Nam Seonwoo and that he was unique. I could swear.
“I’m confident that I won’t break up.”
“…What are you so confident about? You’re only nineteen.”
With all the time of nineteen.
As long as Nam Seonwoo didn’t leave me, there was no way we would break up. All I had to do was make sure he didn’t get tired of me, and I was confident in that.
Nam Seonwoo bit his lip again. As I stared at his moving lips, a sigh-like answer soon flowed out of those lips.
“Okay.”
Nam Seonwoo, who had turned his head away, had his ears and even his cheeks flushed, so I stood in front of him.
Even as I blocked the light of the setting sun, Nam Seonwoo was red. His bright red face sending a sulky gaze was so pretty it was maddening. I wanted to hug him right away, but I couldn’t act like a child, so I just crumpled the swing chain in my hand.
“Then, can I hold your hand?”
“No.”
Since he was making a fuss over just holding hands, it seemed like he preferred to take things slowly. I wondered how his bright red face would change if I told him what I had been thinking, but I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would do it directly later.
“See you tomorrow.”
Only after greeting did I realize. This greeting of ‘see you tomorrow’ was the word I had always wanted to say to Nam Seonwoo. So, I nagged at Nam Seonwoo, who was passing by without answering.
“Why don’t you answer?”
“Because it’s obvious. Why, aren’t we going to see each other tomorrow?”
Actually, I just wanted to see his reddened face one more time.
Anyway, Nam Seonwoo’s sharp words also meant ‘see you tomorrow.’ And that tomorrow, no matter when it was, meant that we could exchange this greeting every day from now on.
I felt like laughing, but I held it in because I was afraid of what Nam Seonwoo might say. But when I saw his back running away with his arms and legs swinging in the same direction, I couldn’t help but burst into laughter.
Cute.
It seemed like Nam Seonwoo couldn’t hear the laughter with his reddened ears, and he disappeared while running away.
* * *
The moment was long, and the day was short.
When I made eye contact with Nam Seonwoo, the scene of his long eyelashes covering his eyes and then rising seemed to flow in slow motion, and when we held hands and walked under the turned-off streetlights, it felt like we were staying in that moment like a stretched videotape. But then, the day was over. It felt like my sense of time was broken.
I didn’t like Park Gyuhyeon butting in during that short time, but there was a good point.
Nam Seonwoo didn’t laugh much when we were alone. Instead, his face turned beautifully red, but I also wanted to hear his refreshing laughter from before. Park Gyuhyeon was useful in that regard. At some incomprehensible puns, Nam Seonwoo burst into laughter. The laughter that bloomed like a flower bud was pleasant to hear, and when I laughed along, Park Gyuhyeon would prepare more puns with shining eyes. I didn’t know why he did that to me, though.
Park Gyuhyeon had one more use. Following Park Gyuhyeon, who called him by his name as if they were close, Nam Seonwoo also called me ‘Jihan.’ Just by removing one letter from the front, my mood was good all day. It was like I had heard what I had wanted to hear for a long time.
There were many things I wanted to do with Nam Seonwoo. There were many places I wanted to take him and things I wanted to feed him, but I couldn’t interfere with his studies, so all I could do was go to the school store or study together in the library.
At first, I studied for the scholarship in front of me, but my greed grew. Every time Nam Seonwoo sent me a proud gaze, I wanted to do better. I wanted to go to the medical school that he aimed for. After dropping Nam Seonwoo off at home, I came in and studied until dawn. Strangely, when I solved past exam questions, it felt familiar as if I had solved them before, so I dared to imagine. A future where we attended the same campus.
During that time, I found a field I wanted to study for the first time. I wanted to make sure Nam Seonwoo didn’t collapse anymore. In the distant future, I wanted him to laugh it off even if he got hit by a shuttlecock.
As I held the sleeping Nam Seonwoo in my arms, I resolved. To become a useful person to Nam Seonwoo and to be with him in his future as well.
“Kang Jihan.”
But then.
“Let’s break up.”
Why was Nam Seonwoo saying such things?
Nam Seonwoo, who would turn red even as he recoiled at the sight of a bouquet, was someone I had imagined, but I had never imagined Nam Seonwoo saying let’s break up.
“Honestly, your reaction right now… is a bit excessive. I don’t understand why you’re like this when we haven’t even been together for that long.”
There wasn’t a single reason that made sense. The reasons Nam Seonwoo gave for the breakup were all strange. But I couldn’t forcibly stop Nam Seonwoo as he left like that. Nam Seonwoo didn’t like acting like a child. If I held him back now, he would surely throw a tantrum, unable to control his emotions. He would cling to me, saying not to break up, that we wouldn’t break up. Like a child.
If I found my faults and asked for forgiveness, his mind might change. If I said I would do better in the future, he might think about it again. Nam Seonwoo was kind, after all.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
