#4
Suddenly, I thought I knew where the sweetness I felt from the ice cream came from. I sucked it in softly like melting ice cream, but what spread in my mouth at that moment was not sweetness but the taste of iron.
As I spat out the blood gathered at the corner of my mouth, I laughed. His punch was harder than I thought. But it felt good.
“Hit me one more time.”
Seeing Nam Seonwoo like this, pouring out raw emotions, was better than seeing him invade my bed and dreams. The fact that such a huge emotion was entirely directed at me was incredibly satisfying.
“Let me hit you one more time.”
Only after kissing his desperately pretty face again did I realize that my heart was pounding at a crazy speed. I knew why I felt an unknown emotion whenever I saw Nam Seonwoo, and the answer to that question was crystal clear.
As I pressed down his struggling body with force, this time Nam Seonwoo bit his lip. The moment I caught Nam Seonwoo, who lost his balance and fell, the heat flared up where our bodies touched. Even though Nam Seonwoo’s body was soaked in the cold rain, it was hot.
When I came to my senses, Nam Seonwoo was on top of me, pounding his fist down.
Nam Seonwoo kept getting angry. At first, I was glad about that, but as the strength of his fist gradually weakened and his clenched jaw trembled, my mood became strange. Maybe it was because the raindrops kept flowing down his white cheeks. For some reason, it seemed like Nam Seonwoo wasn’t angry but crying.
“Do you like me or something?”
That was no longer a question. Nam Seonwoo was stating it. You shouldn’t like me.
“Then why not?”
You’ve dated a guy before, too. And you said you broke up with that guy. So why can’t I like you?
When I retorted in frustration, Nam Seonwoo sighed. I didn’t like his voice, which had calmed down as if his poured-out emotions had been exhausted. Nor did I like the way he looked at me like a child.
“I don’t know why I have to go through this to confirm that you’re a homo bastard, but okay. Let’s say I’ve confirmed that. So what are you going to do now?”
But as always, Nam Seonwoo was right. Annoyingly so.
“I don’t know.”
I knew it was wrong to kiss someone just because I liked them, like an idiot. But it was Nam Seonwoo. Because it was Nam Seonwoo, it seemed okay, and it seemed like it should be that way. Not because it was easy knowing that Nam Seonwoo had dated a man before, but just because it was literally Nam Seonwoo.
He knew that the basis was weak. If it were an object, I could just hold it in my hand, but I didn’t know what to do when I felt like ‘I want to have’ a person. So I asked.
“What should I do?”
What should I do to you? How should I make you sit beside me, looking at me, chattering and laughing? This time, too, Nam Seonwoo gave me the answer. Kindly.
“You shouldn’t force your feelings on someone, whether the person you like is a man or a woman.”
It wasn’t a word telling me to get lost because I was disgusting. That was enough. But Nam Seonwoo, lost in other thoughts along with those words, was making a strange expression he sometimes made. The smile that felt bittersweet evoked a similar emotion to when I saw Nam Seonwoo’s back. I felt anxious and frustrated. So when I asked why he was smiling like that, Nam Seonwoo vaguely answered.
“Someone came to mind.”
I thought I knew why I wanted to erase that expression right away. The guy who came to mind in this situation was obvious. It must be his ex-boyfriend. Did that guy also approach him recklessly? That’s why Nam Seonwoo says words closer to advice than contempt to the guy who recklessly approaches him. The subtle maturity felt in the blank, that distance, didn’t sit well with me. Hiding my rising anger, I asked.
“Do you still like that person?”
“Are you crazy?”
Nam Seonwoo made a face as if he had heard some crazy talk. It didn’t matter whether that was a lie or the truth. Whatever kind of love Nam Seonwoo had with whatever guy, it was already over, and now I was the one next to Nam Seonwoo. We were in a relationship where we had no choice but to meet in the same classroom at the same time every day. For now.
“See you tomorrow.”
Even though tomorrow was the start of vacation, Nam Seonwoo had a soft spot. It was clear that he was hesitating whether to help me up or not. So tomorrow, he would meet me after all. Even if he built a higher wall than before, it didn’t matter. Walls could be torn down.
As expected, Nam Seonwoo came to the playground. With an umbrella in one hand.
As soon as I heard the hurried footsteps, I was sure it was Nam Seonwoo. The reason I could be sure was that my heart was beating loudly in sync with those footsteps.
Nam Seonwoo said with a face as if he had made a big decision. He said he could be friends but not lovers. I couldn’t help but smile. Nam Seonwoo was too kind. The decision he made with that serious face was to give me the side of a ‘friend.’ Even to a guy who likes him.
“So you’ll be friends even with a homo bastard?”
Since the guy he dated before also started as friends, it didn’t matter. I just had to make Nam Seonwoo like me.
When I asked what he likes, Nam Seonwoo listed things I had never heard before, except for the condition that ‘he must be tall.’ He said he should be good at understanding, gentle in expression, cute, and affectionate.
Half of them seemed impossible, but I could try to be good at understanding and expressing myself. I didn’t know what it meant to have good relationships, but I thought it would work if I treated Park Gyuhyeon, who was close, well.
“Ah, I didn’t tell you the important thing. I like older men. I don’t like guys who can’t control their feelings and just jump in with their bodies.”
…Isn’t it enough to look like an older man? At least I’m taller than Nam Seonwoo.
So as soon as I got home, I searched hard. How to not look like a kid, or how to gain favor. The most common and effective method was food. They said it was good to feed often and a lot, so I tried cooking for the first time in my life.
But Nam Seonwoo’s face wasn’t good after eating the rice balls, and to turn his dirt-colored face back, I decided to go for ready-made products. After leaving Nam Seonwoo in the Han River so he couldn’t run away, I went to the convenience store. There were no peaches, but I swept up everything with peaches drawn on them.
When I came back, Nam Seonwoo was asleep. As I quietly looked at his long eyelashes casting shadows under his eyes, his clear forehead wrinkled. When I held his trembling fingers, his groaning face softened.
As I fiddled with his soft hand, Nam Seonwoo soon opened his eyes. When he asked what I was doing, words slipped out of my mouth without thinking.
“I thought it would make my little brother feel better if I did this.”
Little brother. That was the title my mother gave to the ‘real’ son of my biological father. He wasn’t a real brother, nor did we see each other often, but the word just came out. I wondered if he, who often came to our house, would ask, ‘Did you have a little brother?’ when he heard the word ‘little brother.’
“…You don’t ask if I have a little brother.”
It was comfortable that Nam Seonwoo didn’t ask about family matters. It had been just a few days ago, but now it was the opposite. I wanted him to be curious and ask.
“I don’t know if it’s okay to ask.”
As I thought, Nam Seonwoo had deliberately not asked. I could see Nam Seonwoo, who had been careful not to cross the line, hesitating in front of the line. It seemed like he was crossing that line for the first time, and the fact that this first time was now felt good.
So my mouth moved on its own. Even as I spoke, the thought ‘I didn’t have to say this far’ crossed my mind, but when I saw Nam Seonwoo quietly listening, the words flowed out without hesitation. As if I had been waiting for someone to ask.
I had never told anyone about my biological father. The hatred for my biological father, the silence that was implicitly forced, the anger at the time when I had to hide like a criminal was like a constant. I had always barely swallowed it at the end of my throat, not knowing when it would burst.
But strangely, at the moment I spoke it out loud, I felt the weight lighten. The emotion, which slowly subsided like a small hole in a precariously swollen balloon, felt like someone else’s, so it seemed like nothing much.
“I understand how you feel, but you have to receive what you should.”
When I told all my stories, Nam Seonwoo didn’t give any awkward comfort or sympathy.
“Having a job that makes a lot of money would be good. But it’s annoying if the reason is because of such a bastard.”
Suddenly, I remembered the words my mother had told me since I was young. The saying ‘Don’t let hatred consume you’ sounded like something a philosopher on the other side of the world would say and didn’t resonate with me at all. But the words that came out in Nam Seonwoo’s voice surprisingly pierced my heart, not my ears.
The words to be good to my mother seemed like they were telling me to live a life of love rather than hatred, so I felt wronged. They tell me to love but say not to like myself. I glared at the irresponsible Nam Seonwoo and just fiddled with the peach jelly instead of him.
There was no way to not like Nam Seonwoo. That was sure not to come up no matter where I searched.
Far from not liking, my heart only grew bigger and heavier. On the day my mother collapsed, the day I was swept away by confusing anger while realizing the reality I had forgotten for a moment, Nam Seonwoo gave me confidence. The confidence that it wouldn’t work without Nam Seonwoo.
Blocking the front when the nurse told me to call my family. The chest that hugged me tightly, saying it would be okay. The hand patting my back and the voice that reassured me but trembled slightly. Nam Seonwoo brought a sense of stability just by existing.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
