#3
Desperately trying to push Nam Seonwoo into the bathroom, I came out to see the bed I had tidied up in the morning. Seeing the white bedding reminded me of his body earlier, and I realized I wasn’t in my right mind. I decided not to let Nam Seonwoo sleep in my bed today, so I immediately brought a chair from the living room. If there were two chairs, he would sit on the chair instead of the bed, I thought.
Perhaps because he kept fussing about caterpillars, I had the illusion of a caterpillar crawling around my chest. Roughly scratching over my T-shirt only turned my chest bright red, but the tickling sensation remained.
Nam Seonwoo had gone home, but the things he left behind lingered in the room again this time. This time, it wasn’t a scent but his voice. I didn’t know why solving one English problem was so memorable, but the conversation from that time when he scolded me kept coming to mind. And the conversation that followed.
The question about whether his long-time lover was a man came out so thoughtlessly. But the moment a look of panic spread across his usually composed face, I instinctively knew. It was indeed a man.
I didn’t find it disgusting that he had dated a man. He looked good with women, but I could also easily imagine him standing side by side with a man. More than that, I was curious.
‘No, it wasn’t. Meeting one person for so long.’
Who had he been with for so long?
With a high probability… it seemed like an older person. Nam Seonwoo, who treated a grown third-year high school student like a child, didn’t seem like he would date someone of the same age. Since he said his ideal type was someone tall, he might have been tall too.
How tall would someone have to be for Nam Seonwoo to feel ‘tall’? Taller than me? But if they had been together for a long time, did they start as friends and then confess? Who confessed? Nam Seonwoo? What did he say? And what do people usually do when they date?
The moment I realized how far my thoughts, spreading like paint, had gone, I was so absurd that I couldn’t believe myself. What was even more unbelievable was the afterimage that suddenly came to mind after that thought. The white figure in the shower booth and the touch of the nape that made my fingers curl just by lightly touching it. As the image came to mind again, I sat up straight.
My gaze, wandering in the air, moved to the clock hanging on the wall. It seemed like I had been lying down for a moment, but it was already late at night. I had to sleep to do the homework Nam Seonwoo gave me at school.
As I lay down again and covered my face with the blanket, the lingering hallucinations in my vision seemed to scatter. I consciously closed my eyes and blocked my thoughts. Trying to force myself to sleep, I counted sheep, something I had never done before, and the voice of Nam Seonwoo, which had been lingering by the bed, gradually faded away.
But the invasion continued even in my dreams.
Nam Seonwoo was sitting in the room just as I had seen him during the day. When he whined, ‘Why can’t I lie on the bed?’ I said, ‘Don’t lie down in the clothes you wore outside,’ and he seemed to understand as he took off his school uniform shirt. Then, he got on the bed and asked if he should take off the T-shirt inside as well.
When I didn’t answer, Nam Seonwoo drew an incomprehensible smile and started taking off his clothes one by one. Each time a piece of clothing fell to the floor, the faint soap scent grew stronger. And then…
The bewilderment I felt when I opened my eyes was beyond words. As I blankly stared at the sheet, the pure white afterimage that had been floating around all night suddenly invaded. I got up abruptly with a dry wash and started laundering the bedding. I thought it was fortunate that no one was home.
Then, I immediately went out and rode my bike. After cooling my head for about two hours, I was able to go to school.
That day, I had no intention of calling Nam Seonwoo home. Unless I was crazy, there was no way I would let him into my room. But Nam Seonwoo followed me home as if it were natural after school and whined to let him lie on the bed. Fearlessly.
To stop the scenes playing arbitrarily in my head, I turned the air conditioner on high, and Nam Seonwoo sniffled. Then, the face that had been crying with sniffles came to mind, and I couldn’t concentrate on my studies at all. Nam Seonwoo’s words thanking me for helping him study during the exam period were not relatable at all that day.
Moreover, Nam Seonwoo was licking ice cream with an oblivious face. Every time he moved his lips, the long ice cream went into his mouth, and his cheeks full of peach fuzz bulged out and then went back in repeatedly.
Damn it, even the ice cream…
As I barely lifted my gaze, I saw his lowered eyes and the long eyelashes covering them. I already knew that he had long eyelashes for a man. But I couldn’t take my eyes off the fluttering every time he blinked.
“What, do you want a bite?”
As I glared at his pale face, thinking of just chasing him away, Nam Seonwoo suddenly offered me what he had been licking. The ice cream, melted as much as his small mouth had held, was something I wouldn’t normally touch. I had ordered a whole box because Nam Seonwoo ate it so well, but I had tried a bite and thrown it away immediately.
But the ice cream Nam Seonwoo gave me tasted different from what I knew. Unlike before, when I couldn’t taste anything, the sweet taste filling my mouth made me frown involuntarily.
“Isn’t it delicious? It looks like an acorn, but there’s no other ice cream like this when you eat it.”
Saying that, Nam Seonwoo licked his hand. The bright red tongue lightly brushed his lower lip and disappeared, and then I saw his Adam’s apple moving below. So, I took another bite of the ice cream I wasn’t interested in.
As the cold entered my mouth, it seemed like the useless thoughts were settling down. The sticky sweetness remaining in my mouth was no longer felt in the parts where Nam Seonwoo’s mouth didn’t touch, but I mechanically continued to bite and swallow.
“…Hey, stop eating.”
Then, a brown liquid dropped onto the white forearm. As I quietly watched it flowing down, leaving a transparent trail, a thought suddenly crossed my mind. Didn’t he lick what had fallen on the back of his hand earlier? So, wouldn’t it be okay to lick that too?
Of course, I didn’t actually do such a thing. To chase away the stupid thought, I turned the air conditioner on high. Even if Nam Seonwoo sniffled, there was nothing I could do. I thought I should wash my face with cold water, so I gave Nam Seonwoo a tissue and went into the bathroom. But when I came out of the room, Nam Seonwoo had already gone home without a word.
Even after leaving a missed call and sending a text, the phone remained silent until the next morning. That wasn’t unusual. Nam Seonwoo was the type to find replying troublesome, so there were many times when he would ignore a text even after reading it. But the way Nam Seonwoo acted at school the next day was clearly meaningful.
He was avoiding me.
As soon as the bell rang, Nam Seonwoo left his seat and disappeared somewhere every break time. And that wasn’t all. Whenever our eyes met, he quickly averted his gaze, and after that, he rarely looked my way.
Until the final bell rang, I stared at the empty seat and thought. Did he notice? What kind of imagination did he have about me? I tried to recall if I had acted suspiciously, but nothing came to mind. Above all, if Nam Seonwoo knew about it, he wouldn’t avoid me like this but would have scolded me fiercely.
So why?
Starting tomorrow, it was vacation. Even without any reason, the day I could meet him in the classroom was over today. Thinking that I couldn’t let it end like this, I grabbed Nam Seonwoo, who was trying to escape as soon as the homeroom period ended. As expected, Nam Seonwoo didn’t even make eye contact, and his cold voice made me feel a wall beyond just avoidance.
Nam Seonwoo always had a wall. I wasn’t unaware of that. His ability to draw the line was rather desirable, and the moderate indifference that came from it was comfortable. But now, it was annoyingly unpleasant.
“I waited for you. It was you who didn’t say anything.”
I was angry that he didn’t make eye contact until the end. The back of his head, turning away as if he had said everything he wanted to say, and the sight of him walking away without looking back even once, left an afterimage in my retina, and something welled up inside me.
In my mind, I knew. I knew that talking now wouldn’t be good. So, it would be better to have some time apart first. But for some reason, it seemed like I couldn’t let Nam Seonwoo go like that. The rain outside poured like a heavy downpour, and the fog seemed to blur everything, and Nam Seonwoo walking into it seemed like he would disappear at any moment.
There was no time to think about the reason for the abnormal anxiety. I threw away Nam Seonwoo’s umbrella, and only then did he turn around.
“How have you lived suppressing this temper until now?”
I flinched for a moment at the bitter smile I was seeing for the first time, but it was better than not making eye contact like before. Nam Seonwoo continued to get angry. The unfamiliar expression and voice were clearly pouring out anger, but I felt an inexplicable longing. Just seeing him angry made me feel so content.
Why did I feel this way only towards Nam Seonwoo? To find the answer, I stared at him, but his drenched appearance was as transparent, moist, and pretty as it was in the bathroom a few days ago. Before I could define the unfamiliar emotion, my body moved on its own.
“What are you doing, what are you doing, why…”
Nam Seonwoo, who had been white, turned red. It wasn’t the pinkish hue on the elbow exposed under the school uniform, but his face, which had turned as red as a ripe persimmon, seemed like it would burst at any moment.
What filled Nam Seonwoo’s eyes was not contempt. The moistened pupils rather seemed to say, ‘Do it one more time.’ I knew it was a crazy thought, but the moment I saw his light-colored pupils trembling finely, I was sure. Nam Seonwoo’s trembling, the confusion-laden agitation, ignited the fire.
I knew that delicate skin turned red with force, but I couldn’t stop the strength from entering my hand. The nape that fit in one hand had peach fuzz standing on end, tickling my palm. The dense and moist sensation, similar to the lips, pulled the nape and lips even closer.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
