#95
“…”
Kang Jihan, unable to answer as if guilty of something, looked cautious even in that moment, as if carefully choosing his words. Seeing his still serious face, Nam Seonwoo finally smiled and said:
“So I’ll let you off just this once.”
“…Huh?”
“If you act stupid one more time, you’ll get nothing then. Understand?”
As if belatedly realizing the meaning, the face that had been so grave suddenly turned foolish. Yet his eyes were still moving busily as if trying to grasp the intention, suggesting that this Kang Jihan had learned something after all. Nam Seonwoo grabbed Kang Jihan’s collar just as he had done on that rainy sports field and asked distinctly:
“I said, do you understand?”
Only then did Kang Jihan nod. As if stamping it before Nam Seonwoo could take back his words, he answered aloud again.
“Yes.”
“Just try saying nonsense like ‘we never broke up’ later. I’ll report you to the police immediately for being a crazy stalker. Got it?”
“Yes. I got it.”
“If you understand, then answer me. What will you do if something similar happens again? Are you going to jump in front of a motorcycle again?”
“…”
When the answer didn’t readily follow, Nam Seonwoo let out a hollow laugh. Though he’d become a bit foolish, Kang Jihan was still Kang Jihan. Kang Jihan who was terribly incapable of lying.
To the guy who was checking his expression, seemingly unable to come up with a better ‘correct answer,’ Nam Seonwoo decided to personally present another option.
“Don’t do it. I’ll be careful too.”
If it was truly difficult to fix his careless driving habits, he could just ride in Kang Jihan’s car that he offered. There was no need to refuse someone who volunteered to be his transportation, and above all, there was no reason to maintain useless pride anymore.
“…Yes.”
“Is ‘yes’ the only word you know how to say?”
Kang Jihan hesitated. He seemed to have plenty to say, but having properly learned something called ‘reading the room,’ Kang Jihan appeared to be using that function.
“You don’t hate me anymore?”
The words he had carefully selected after a long time were such a foolish question. But Nam Seonwoo soon realized that the query sounded familiar. It was their last conversation before the accident.
‘Do you hate me that much?’
‘Yes.’
Nam Seonwoo felt truly thankful that Kang Jihan was alive and well. If he had lost Kang Jihan after that conversation, he probably wouldn’t have been able to bear the guilt.
‘And… me too.’
He was glad to be alive. To think that after all this time, he would see Kang Jihan acting like an anxious puppy. Nam Seonwoo bit the inside of his lip hard and barely managed to pull down the corners of his mouth that kept trying to curl up.
He had just resolved not to maintain non-existent pride moments ago, but somehow, he didn’t want to answer too easily.
“I hate you less now.”
When he said that spitefully, Kang Jihan’s expression was worth seeing. His face, which looked as if confronted with a difficult problem, was just like seeing the high school Kang Jihan.
“Does that… mean you hate me, or like me?”
“That depends on what you do.”
Unlike before when he would give the answer directly, Nam Seonwoo only threw an ambiguous hint this time. With an attitude suggesting Kang Jihan should now find the correct answer on his own, Kang Jihan nodded without protest. And he answered with a confident voice.
“Then I’ll make you like me.”
…Well, well.
His expression, which seemed confident, was a bit annoying, but Nam Seonwoo decided to acknowledge it now. That when it came to Kang Jihan, he became defenseless. With the laughter that finally escaped lingering on his lips, Nam Seonwoo responded.
“Try it, then.”
As soon as he finished speaking, the bed shook. As if frustrated that he wanted to get up right away but couldn’t, Kang Jihan contorted his face. When Nam Seonwoo hit his shoulder telling him to stay still, Kang Jihan finally calmed down, but he ended up having to hug Nam Seonwoo with just one arm again. He mumbled against Nam Seonwoo’s chest.
“…Thank you.”
“For what? I haven’t said I’d do anything with you yet.”
“Still. We’re at least friends now, right? Me.”
Who would be hugging like this with just a friend? Nam Seonwoo scoffed internally. But in fact, this was a result that Nam Seonwoo had brought upon himself. After all, he had kept pushing Kang Jihan away with words like “classmate” and “sex friend.”
“Are you… seeing anyone now?”
And at a terrible timing, he had also been seen entering the house with Kim Minhwan. Feeling somewhat guilty, he didn’t answer, and the force squeezing his waist strengthened.
‘Is he really an idiot?’
This was too much even for him. It made Nam Seonwoo doubt whether he had properly understood everything said so far. Generally, saying “I’ll give you one more chance” to someone you’ve broken up with means you want to date again, doesn’t it? He knew the guy was terrible with language, but he didn’t know he was this bad at understanding.
“How could I be?”
In high school, no matter how much he said he hated him, Kang Jihan had an uncanny ability to know his true feelings, but now it was a mystery why he had become such a nerd.
“What about Kim Minhwan?”
“Why are you so concerned about Kim Minhwan anyway?”
“He’s the type you like.”
Nam Seonwoo put his hand on his forehead. It was that ideal type talk again. Thinking that if he didn’t correct it now, Kang Jihan would keep mentioning this ideal type for the rest of his life, Nam Seonwoo decided to confess his long-standing lie.
“I don’t have a type I like.”
He never had an ideal type to begin with. Because Kang Jihan was his ideal type. Even the condition “I like tall people” that he had told Park Gyuhyeon was said with Kang Jihan in mind from the start.
“If I had to pick… first, someone with dimples when they smile, who seems cold but is soft with me, who worries and meddles to the point of being annoying, but is still stupidly diligent—that’s the type I like.”
As Nam Seonwoo listed each trait while staring directly at the man in front of him, he added with an “ah.” It was because he remembered the note on the guy’s phone.
“And it’s even better if they’re the same age.”
Looking like an older person, was it? That wasn’t funny at all.
“Do you understand now?”
Instead of answering, Kang Jihan bit his teeth hard. Seeing his bloodshot eyes, he finally seemed to understand. Kang Jihan moved his lips as if to say something. …It was good that he’d learned to read the room, but it was getting frustrating seeing him act like this when he hadn’t before.
“I like you, you idiot.”
When he raised his lowered arms and wrapped them around Kang Jihan’s neck, a film of water formed in his reddened eyes. Looking at those eyes that seemed about to overflow at any moment, Nam Seonwoo was reminded of a day when there was heavy snow.
“So be my Secret Santa again.”
Of course, unlike then, now Kang Jihan was smiling.
At the crisp, clear dimples, a smile also spread across Nam Seonwoo’s lips. In high school, they were dimples he seemed to have seen often enough to feel extravagant, but now they felt like he was seeing them after a long time. When he unconsciously poked the dimple, the mark deepened.
“I should be thankful for being born like this.”
“Yeah, man. Without this, you’d be nothing.”
“You know what?”
“What.”
“This is the first time you’ve said you like me.”
Nam Seonwoo closed his mouth. This time, it wasn’t because he felt guilty or anything. It was simply because he couldn’t take his eyes off the face in front of him. The tears that had been precariously hanging formed a transparent line as they fell, wetting the lips that formed a large curve. When his gaze traveled back up along the tear track, their eyes met. The black pupils narrowed.
“This feels really good.”
“…If it feels good, why are you crying?”
It was a scene he had never seen before, combining this life and the previous one. And it would probably be the first and last time. Because he would never make Kang Jihan cry again.
As he awkwardly wiped away the tears from his eyes, Kang Jihan tilted his face toward the fingertips. Then, wrinkling his nose, he smiled playfully.
“The Secret Santa of Hyunsa High School is you.”
“No, it’s not. You’re my Secret Santa.”
“You also got me in the draw, right?”
“I told you I didn’t.”
It seemed that Kang Jihan didn’t know the ‘general’ definition of Secret Santa. Originally, a Secret Santa wasn’t fun if you revealed it. Since he hadn’t done anything for his Secret Santa Kang Jihan anyway, Nam Seonwoo calmly denied it.
“You’re lying.”
But Kang Jihan didn’t seem to think so.
“You were there when I opened my eyes, you said what I wanted to hear, where else can I find such a nice Secret Santa besides you?”
“…”
“We got each other this time. Unlike in high school.”
It was as Kang Jihan said. Nam Seonwoo, who was supposed to have been Kang Jihan’s Secret Santa, rejected the predetermined connection and became someone else’s Secret Santa, and Kang Jihan, unlike in his previous life, had drawn a note with Nam Seonwoo’s name. And now they had drawn notes with each other’s names. As if their hearts were directed at each other.
So at the thought that the Secret Santa notes seemed to represent the direction of their hearts, Nam Seonwoo smiled blandly.
“Throw away that note. Why do you carry it around anyway?”
“Because you’re my destined partner. It makes me feel good.”
“Even so, why keep it in your wallet of all places? It’s not like it’s a condom.”
“…”
“…”
Feeling the atmosphere suddenly turn awkward, Nam Seonwoo gently unwound his arms. Then he naturally changed the subject.
“They said you could eat something after four hours. Is your stomach okay? I bought some porridge in advance because the shop might close.”
“…”
“The one with abalone. Is that okay?”
Kang Jihan was silent. Thinking he might still be stuck on the word “condom,” Nam Seonwoo was about to say something when he noticed Kang Jihan’s expression and stopped.
The corners of his mouth, which had been forming a cool curve, were now stiff. Though they were facing each other, Kang Jihan’s gaze seemed to be elsewhere. His face, which was gradually shadowed as if erasing the earlier freshness, looked just like…
“Kang Jihan?”
He looked terrified.
