#94
‘Why on earth do you carry this around?’
Whether it was because of this ridiculous emoticon, or just because of Kang Jihan’s sentiment in keeping it preciously in his wallet, the note seemed to still have life in it despite being stained with blood.
Nam Seonwoo wiped his seemingly malfunctioning eyes once more. It was because of the phone’s wallpaper that had come to mind. Just as he was about to glare accusingly at Kang Jihan, he heard movement from the bed. Nam Seonwoo turned his head abruptly and watched him with bated breath.
Kang Jihan furrowed his brow, likely uncomfortable with his arm in a cast. Was he still not awake? Just as Nam Seonwoo thought this, Kang Jihan suddenly stopped moving and bolted upright.
“Hey, if you get up so suddenly…!”
Kang Jihan turned his head sharply in response to that voice. It was almost before the “Hey” had even left Nam Seonwoo’s mouth. So startled was Nam Seonwoo that he hiccupped.
“…”
As if whatever was before his eyes might disappear the moment he blinked, Kang Jihan stared at Nam Seonwoo without blinking once. Under that penetrating gaze, another “hic” sound echoed through the room.
Nam Seonwoo covered his mouth. He needed to stop this hiccupping first. Just as he was about to turn toward the refrigerator to get some water, he heard a clattering noise behind him.
“…What, what are you doing?!”
That crazy Kang Jihan was trying to get out of bed. It was fortunate that he couldn’t, with one arm and leg in that condition. Nam Seonwoo shouted in alarm.
“Are you crazy? Can’t you just lie still… If you need something, just say it!”
Though Kang Jihan frowned at his body that wouldn’t move as he wanted, he didn’t take his eyes off Nam Seonwoo for even a moment. His lips moved dazedly.
“…You.”
His voice was properly locked up. But that didn’t seem to be why he couldn’t continue. Kang Jihan slowly, very slowly, stretched out his hand.
Nam Seonwoo silently stared at the hand extended in the air. For some reason, it seemed like he was asking him to come over. His hesitant steps moved toward the bed. The hiccups had already stopped.
As the distance closed, Kang Jihan’s expression became strange. It was an expression Nam Seonwoo had never seen before in all those long years with Kang Jihan. Moreover, up close, his eyes were bloodshot. As Nam Seonwoo hesitated at this unfamiliar feeling, Kang Jihan suddenly extended his arm and pulled him into an embrace.
“Hey…!”
Even with just one arm, Nam Seonwoo’s body was pulled in helplessly. When Nam Seonwoo reflexively stiffened, the arm around his waist tightened as if disliking that reaction. He instinctively tried to push Kang Jihan away, but then felt trembling that made his hands stop in mid-air.
…Kang Jihan was trembling. Nam Seonwoo looked down in bewilderment at the man who had buried his face against his chest.
“Seonwoo… Nam Seonwoo.”
Like a fool who knew nothing else to say, he kept murmuring only his name. The trembling was fully conveyed through the fingertips that traced his back and waist, as if confirming the form before him.
Like someone who had just awakened from a long dream, Kang Jihan’s voice was hazy. But what was clearly contained within it was relief. Nam Seonwoo bit his lower lip hard. Looking at him, it was Seonwoo himself who was injured, yet seeing this reaction as soon as he woke up made his eyes burn.
“I’m sorry.”
It was an apology with no clear reason. Nam Seonwoo wondered if he wasn’t fully awake yet, but the hand gripping his back was too strong for that. Kang Jihan mumbled something. It sounded like he was saying “don’t go,” or perhaps begging. As Nam Seonwoo kept his mouth shut at these incomprehensible words, moisture gathered on the trembling against his chest.
“I’m sorry…”
Was it because he had his face buried against his chest? As if infected by that damp trembling, something hot welled up from beneath Nam Seonwoo’s chest.
“…Do you even know what you’re sorry for? Do you know that yet you did it?”
The doctor said if the point of impact had been just a little different, it could have been very dangerous. Of course, the doctor meant that it was fortunate it hadn’t happened that way, but hearing it had made his heart sink.
“What if something really terrible had happened when you threw yourself like that? Are you stupid? Does your brain not work? How can someone who wants to be a doctor treat their body like that?”
The more he spoke, the more he remembered the end that Kang Jihan had chosen in his previous life, and Nam Seonwoo’s voice began to catch with emotion.
“How can you be a doctor when you don’t even value your own life!”
The last part was almost a scream. But Nam Seonwoo knew this resentment wouldn’t reach Kang Jihan. He wouldn’t remember anyway.
As Nam Seonwoo crumpled the innocent hospital gown in his anger that had nowhere to go, Kang Jihan raised his head with a somewhat dazed expression. He silently received the transparent teardrops falling onto his face, then carefully wiped Nam Seonwoo’s eyes.
Nam Seonwoo, overcome with emotion, brushed his hand away and snapped.
“Get off. I really hate you!”
It was all Kang Jihan’s fault. Because of his strange behavior as soon as he woke up, emotions that came rushing in like a late-breaking dam made Nam Seonwoo’s voice shake terribly.
He must not have wanted to admit it.
The idea that Kang Jihan had taken his own life was something he couldn’t comprehend. So even after returning to the hospital room, he tried not to think about it. Unconsciously repeating to himself that even a mother wouldn’t know everything.
When solemn mourning was reflected on her face, which had been like a calm lake throughout, it felt like being hit on the back of the head with a hammer, but he continued to deny it. A part of his heart kept avoiding it, saying it couldn’t be true, that Kang Jihan wouldn’t do that.
But Kang Jihan had done it again this time. As if it didn’t matter if he died, he had thrown himself on the motorcycle without a moment’s hesitation. Someone with no memories, who wouldn’t know about their fifteen years together, had done such a thing. So he could no longer deny Kang Jihan’s suicide.
“…Did you think I would be grateful for that?”
Emotions that had been unaccepted and neglected until now suddenly raised their heads. The mass of emotions that poured out all at once, haphazardly, was too overwhelming to define one by one.
It just hurt too much. Sometimes it felt like a heavy stone sinking to the bottom, and at the same time, something hot like a ball of fire rose up to his throat. Unable to bear the pain, he clawed at his chest, and Kang Jihan grabbed his hand. His touch moved the fist as if saying to hit him instead, and finally Nam Seonwoo burst into tears.
“You bastard. Do you think I’ll forgive you for doing that? You… you really…”
“…I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
He wouldn’t even know what he was sorry for. He would probably never know in his lifetime, yet it was foolish to keep uttering the same words with a face that looked like he would atone for it his entire life. It was so foolish that it made him feel suffocated and angry.
Perhaps the reason for Kang Jihan’s apology was in that context. For intervening in an accident again despite being told not to meddle in his affairs. He must be sorry for just that. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have such a confused-looking face.
The anger being poured out now wasn’t just because of today’s accident, so Kang Jihan couldn’t help but be somewhat confused. He understood this logically. But once the floodgates of emotion had burst open, reason could no longer contain it.
“This is the worst. It’s not like you’re protesting with your life, that kind of thing… it’s really the worst! What on earth, what on earth were you thinking…”
He wanted to demand why he had thrown away his life, why he had done such a thing when no one would even know about it, but Kang Jihan couldn’t answer. Because the Kang Jihan who had those memories didn’t exist anymore.
Their gazes interlocked. Kang Jihan, though looking somewhat bewildered, didn’t take his eyes off Nam Seonwoo for even a moment. That gaze was so transparent and yet so intense that the sound of choked sobs became even more sorrowful.
A fist clenched with all his might rose in the air, then weakly rested on Kang Jihan’s chest. While these touches that could hardly be called punches continued, Kang Jihan silently received all the resentment and tears, taking in Nam Seonwoo with his eyes.
“I won’t do it again.”
Even though he surely hadn’t understood half of it, Kang Jihan looked solemn, like someone who had understood all its meaning.
“I won’t do things you don’t like. Never again.”
“…”
“This time I can really do better. So…”
Nam Seonwoo drew in a trembling breath. Whether he had been angry, upset, or just so frustrated he felt like going crazy, the emotion that had been impossible to define clearly became more distinct after he had poured it all out.
“Can’t you… like me again, just once more?”
Ridiculously, the emotion that remained at the end was relief. He could only think how fortunate it was that Kang Jihan was alive like this. Because he was alive, Nam Seonwoo could get angry at him, blame him.
And the reason for this relief was…
“…No, I can’t.”
Probably because he still liked Kang Jihan.
Seeing Kang Jihan noticeably flinch, he couldn’t help but laugh, which seemed to confirm it. Looking down at the increasingly serious face, Nam Seonwoo said reproachfully:
“What’s so pretty about you that I should like you? I don’t want to.”
Perhaps the memory of Kang Jihan’s final choice was something he would have to bear alone for his entire life. Even if that hadn’t been Kang Jihan’s intention, Nam Seonwoo knew that given his personality, he had no choice. But he also knew very well that it wouldn’t take the form of guilt.
“I’ll like you if you do something worthy of liking. You’re still as ignorant as before, so what exactly am I supposed to like about you?”
Kang Jihan’s death wasn’t the end of it. It had led to this very moment. To this moment of understanding Kang Jihan, forgiving him, and loving him again.
If all of this was a process toward reaching the true ending, as Baek Heeyeon had said, there was no reason to be buried in the past. Now it was time to move forward.
