#85
“…What are you doing?”
Kang Jihan didn’t answer. Still focused on the road ahead, he kept his hands on the steering wheel. Nam Seonwoo manually unlocked the door. Just as he was about to push it open, it locked again with a “click.”
This was followed by about three more rounds of the same struggle. But between Kang Jihan, who only needed to press a button, and Nam Seonwoo, who had to push the heavy door with both hands, the winner was obvious.
Finally, Nam Seonwoo put his hands down. Not wanting to ask what this nonsense was about, he just glared at Kang Jihan, who soon spoke up.
“Cute, gentle, and expressive.”
Each time he finished a sentence, his finger tapped the steering wheel. Nam Seonwoo’s gaze followed his fingertips. It didn’t take long to understand what Kang Jihan was talking about.
“You said you didn’t like young guys.”
“…”
“He’s younger than you.”
He was still dwelling on their earlier conversation. So “he” must refer to Kim Minhwan. According to Park Gyuhyeon’s baseless speculation, Kim Minhwan was the only classmate who was also tall.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Will you unlock the door?”
“Do you prefer younger guys now?”
Nam Seonwoo was speechless. If, as Park Gyuhyeon said, Kim Minhwan liked Nam Seonwoo, there was no reason to suddenly bring up Nam Seonwoo’s ideal type. After all, it was Kim Minhwan who liked Nam Seonwoo, not the other way around. Besides…
‘When did I even say that?’
It was the “false” ideal type he had rattled off when rejecting nineteen-year-old Kang Jihan’s confession. Even Nam Seonwoo couldn’t remember exactly what criteria he had mentioned, yet Kang Jihan was reciting them as if memorizing a formula. Come to think of it, he had done the same at the group meeting.
‘Do you like him?’
While wondering why Kang Jihan was particularly conscious of Kim Minhwan, a sudden thought crossed his mind. And as if to strengthen that “maybe,” Kang Jihan muttered:
“So it’s about personality, not age.”
Certain scenes came together like puzzle pieces. Nam Seonwoo, who had listed a kind and expressive person as his ideal type; the note on the phone box that read “Feelings are meant to be expressed”; and Kang Jihan, who had become so talkative that Nam Seonwoo complained about his chatter.
This led to an absurd conclusion. That the difference in Kang Jihan in this life compared to the previous one was because of that fake ideal type… an absurd conclusion indeed.
Of course, it couldn’t be just because of that reason, but just the thought that it might have influenced him made Nam Seonwoo feel very strange.
“…Open the door.”
“Why aren’t you answering?”
“I said I have no reason to answer you.”
“Does that guy like you?”
Kang Jihan showed no intention of turning off the engine. The seat was still warm. But Kang Jihan’s voice grew increasingly cold.
“You said you were wondering how to reject him. Did you waver because someone who fits your ideal type confessed to you?”
“Hey. Kang Jihan.”
“You did the same to me.”
Nam Seonwoo shot him a sharp look as if to ask what he meant. But he couldn’t help flinching at Kang Jihan’s face.
“I kept telling you I liked you, and you eventually accepted me.”
He thought Kang Jihan was making another absurd argument. But right now, Kang Jihan seemed a little…
“Will you do the same this time?”
Anxious.
“You said you had no intention of having a relationship.”
Nam Seonwoo’s gaze shifted to the hands gripping the steering wheel. Veins were protruding on the back of his hands. Kang Jihan, who had ignored all talk about fuck buddies or whatever until now, was suddenly acting strange. Like someone who felt threatened. Hiding his confusion, Nam Seonwoo replied:
“Didn’t you say you wouldn’t care if I did get into a relationship?”
When Nam Seonwoo threw back the words Kang Jihan had said in front of the bar, Kang Jihan’s brow furrowed slightly.
“You said I could do whatever I wanted because we’d break up eventually. Is this how you act when you ‘don’t care’?”
He seemed to remember it clearly too. Well, after slapping him so hard, and multiple times at that, there was no way he wouldn’t have sobered up. That dimly lit scene naturally came to mind. Nam Seonwoo felt increasingly nauseated as he recalled Kang Jihan’s face when he’d asked if it felt good to do it once, and when he’d told him to have sex and get out.
But Kang Jihan’s face now looked even more unsettled than it had then.
“…I.”
Kang Jihan stopped there and closed his mouth. His Adam’s apple bobbed significantly. When he spoke again after swallowing what seemed like a strained voice, his tone was even lower.
“If I did something wrong, please tell me.”
Nam Seonwoo gave him a look of incomprehension. It was genuinely incomprehensible, and he feared that if he opened his mouth, the nauseating tremor would be evident in his voice.
“Because I did something wrong, you’re like this…”
Kang Jihan swallowed the rest of his words and scrunched up his face. Looking at that expression, Nam Seonwoo could guess what he was trying to say even without hearing it.
You’ve changed like this, that’s probably what he meant to say. Nam Seonwoo smiled bitterly.
It was a complete misdiagnosis. To think that Nam Seonwoo had changed because of wounds inflicted by Kang Jihan. “This” Kang Jihan had never hurt Nam Seonwoo. And Nam Seonwoo, too, had never changed.
Kang Jihan couldn’t understand this gap. Unless they shared the impossible situation of traveling back fifteen years and the truth that Nam Seonwoo’s death would repeat itself, mutual understanding was impossible.
Nausea rose from that distant gap. It was suffocating, but he had to speak. Nam Seonwoo sensed that now was the perfect timing for a proper rejection.
Just then, his phone vibrated. Despite the sound, their gazes remained fixed on each other. But as the vibrations continued, Nam Seonwoo finally checked his phone.
[BbakGyu: Hey the homeroom teacher went on a business trip]
[BbakGyu: The timing is really– Should we have called ahead?]
[BbakGyu: Did you make up?]
[BbakGyu: If you did, don’t come to the teachers’ office, go straight to the store]
“I’m sorry.”
At these words, with a meaning he couldn’t understand, Nam Seonwoo quietly raised his gaze.
“Is it because I was annoying before the college entrance exam? Or because I tactlessly talked about dormitories?”
“…”
“I’ve been thinking about it, but I’m too stupid to figure it out. So could you please tell me?”
Had Kang Jihan always been looking for his own mistakes like this? As he watched him offering apologies he didn’t need to give for wrongs that didn’t exist, Nam Seonwoo was reminded of Kang Jihan on the summer closing ceremony day. The situation was similar to when he had made that strange comment about letting him lie on the bed.
“There’s nothing like that.”
Neither then nor now had Kang Jihan done anything wrong.
The blame for a breakup never falls on just one side. After realizing that his own indifference, though different in form, couldn’t solely be blamed on Kang Jihan’s indifference, Nam Seonwoo came to understand this very well.
Not only that, just as Kang Jihan happened to overhear “that” phone call at his mother’s funeral, their breakup was a conclusion reached through countless intertwined coincidences and variables.
So when they finally reached the end of the relationship, there was nothing more foolish than blaming the other person or oneself. That’s what he wanted to convey. Nam Seonwoo looked straight into those black eyes and said:
“My feelings just ran out.”
“…”
“If there’s anything you should be sorry for, it’s that attitude of not respecting the other person’s wishes at all.”
This time, he could tell the rejection had truly landed. Those deep, unfathomable dark eyes trembled slightly. Kang Jihan stared at Nam Seonwoo’s face for a long time, as if trying to find something. Nam Seonwoo looked back at him without avoiding his gaze.
Under the silence that felt like time had stopped, the vibration sound rang quietly, as if being cautious.
[BbakGyu: You still haven’t made up?;]
In a way, they had. The knot in this tightly bound relationship seemed to have finally loosened a bit. But as Park Gyuhyeon suggested, Nam Seonwoo wasn’t in the mood to play dress-up in uniforms together. He felt more tired from these brief tens of minutes with Kang Jihan than from playing with Kim Minhwan for an entire hour.
He wanted to go home. With the homeroom teacher gone, he planned to just catch a taxi and go home, so he broke the long silence.
“I’ll say this one last time, unlock the door.”
Kang Jihan seemed to sense this.
He hesitated a bit. It seemed like he wanted to say something but kept his mouth firmly shut, conscious of what Nam Seonwoo had said. Yet still not unlocking the door, he finally offered his own compromise after a while.
“I’ll drive you home.”
It was a quiet, cautious proposal.
* * *
The car stopped in front of Nam Seonwoo’s officetel.
There had been no conversation during the journey. In the car with no radio playing, the only warmth came from the seats against their backs and buttocks.
“I’m going.”
Nam Seonwoo opened the car door. Unlike before, it wasn’t locked, so he could step on the ground without any hindrance. Kang Jihan remained quiet even as Nam Seonwoo closed the door again.
The car didn’t leave even after dropping Nam Seonwoo off. But Nam Seonwoo turned away immediately. Fortunately, he didn’t hear Kang Jihan’s voice from behind as he entered the building.
While waiting for the elevator, he belatedly realized he had left Park Gyuhyeon behind again. Although it could be considered revenge for arranging this uncomfortable situation, Nam Seonwoo knew that Park Gyuhyeon had good intentions. So he decided to at least leave him a message.
As he was kindly typing a message telling him to take the bus home, his phone screen suddenly changed and vibrated.
